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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Thanks To The One Who Spiked My Water!

"I AM. whatever you say, I AM. And if I wasn't, then I wouldn't say I AM."
Dearest Reader,

The world didn't end. Or did it? What is an end? Is it not the beginning of something new? If that is true, then, my life has been ending with every moment of consciousness, especially in the year 2012. For a very tumultuous year, I must say that I came out on top. I am in disbelief at how much joy I have in my life. I am brimming with energy, happiness, love and laughter. So, did the world end? Mine did. My dark, anguished, taciturn and broody life ended. My world did end. I died. I then got a glorious Resurrection into this moment. I died and I feel alive. That, my dears, is what death is. It is change.

I feel quite strange. Not in a bad way, but in a new way. I feel dislocated from what the world used to be, as if I am watching life and people in it, from a new, more distant perspective. I find myself saying things like, "They are still stuck in that pattern of thinking." or wondering "Why didn't they leave the old paradigm?" because I obviously am not living that life anymore. I feel strange because I am privy to seeing that people around me have not realized that the world is different.

Maybe the world isn't different. Maybe it is just my world that is different. I don't know. All I know is that I don't care. I am indifferent about those who are in the old world. I can merely visit or observe their world as an angel would, if I am called by their higher selves. The fact though is that I am no longer part of their reality, and neither are they part of mine, apart from these small moments when they call me with their hearts.

This all sounds quite strange, but let me tell you that, in one year, my life changed and I am sure that my deepest desires are manifesting. They are manifesting faster than ever. The time frame between dreaming, fantasizing, wishing and desire has significantly decreased. Now, I am not saying that I am a magician. All I am saying is that, my dreams are coming true. Things I don't like are disappearing. My reality is shaping up to be according to what I like. I am experiencing things I dislike very seldom. This is not normal according to the life I was used to. This is definitely a new world for me. Coincidentally, it is happening during the year 2012. But is it a coincidence?

I don't care whether it is a coincidence, to be honest. All I care about is the now. The NOW is delicious. It is beautiful. It is exactly as I have always wished to feel. It is exactly how I dreamed happiness would feel. If you have been reading my blog, you will see the journey of getting here. It was filled with ups and downs, uncertainties and anguish. Now, I am just sitting back, saying, "Thanks! Thank You! Life is Good. God is Great! Praise be to the One Infinite Creator."

Age of The Twinflame!
I don't have to understand how this is happening. I understand the that even though I have certainly left the 3D world I am used to, I am in a world that is still bound by Universal Laws. I can clearly see the Law Of Confusion at work. I can clearly see the effects of the Law Of Attraction. I am still bound by many Laws that bind 3D entities, but the shackles are looser. Yes. It is far more easier to be happy than ever before. It is far more fluid to be in the state of mind that I am occupying.

I have more love in me than ever in my life. The love is so vast that it can not help but want to multiply and expand within me and towards others. I also feel more in trance than ever before. Before, I would go in and out of trance state. Now I am in it almost constantly. I have no desire to be unhappy. I have no desire to be afraid. And just that alone makes me unafraid and happy. Just like that.

I think I figured something out. I am not sure what I figured out. Maybe years of meditation, seeking and working on spiritual growth have paid off? I don't know, man.  I am even laughing while I type this because it reminds me of Neo in The Matrix. It's like I am out of The Matrix, but I am no fully aware that I am. So, I am floundering a bit, but happily so. No, a better example is that it feels like I am in "What Dreams May Come." or "Sixth Sense" and I am dead but I am not completely convinced.

Hey, what if I am dead?

What if they are having a funeral for me. Or what if they had a funeral for me already. I mean... I haven't seen my family in a while, and I miss them, and I am not completely sure why I am not visiting them. I speak to my mom on the phone, but what if I am dead to them? What if the interactions I have with them are them dreaming of me?

LMAO!!!

Okay, I have an overactive imagination. It is just how I am.

Anyway, I have been observing humans from my room. I haven't left the house in over a week. I have seen some people. People have visited me, but I have not gone out there. What if I am in some spiritual holding room, getting ready to realize that I have died? What if my bedroom is not my bedroom, but a familiar mind construct that I am sitting in before I cross over?

Hahhahahaha!

A New Earth! Reality is, it's not this colorful. ;-)
Anyway, another thing is that I am totally besotted with my sweetheart. Maybe that's what I am feeling. I feel like I have died and gone to heaven. Also... My body is awfully great! Like, what the hell is going on? My body is changing right before my eyes in record time. I am looking good. Pimples are gone. And, another thing is that, I am even more intolerant of food i general. I can only eat fruit, potatoes and water. Anything else doesn't stay down. It is as if everything that is typical of Earth as I know it is rejecting me. Or I am rejecting it?

Anyway, I am having a good time. I don't even know what day it is. I feel high. I feel happy. I am grateful and glad and I can name the things that make me so, but the truth is that, I am just grateful and not for any particular reason.

What is happening?

Hahahahaha

All I do is swoon and laugh all day. Occasionally, I will see people from the old world and give them love, but that's just about it.My friend Ntokozo was right. I do sound highly stoned. Problem is, I don't smoke weed, or take recreational drugs, no that I haven't tried them. It is just that, I learned a long time ago to feel high, high and dry. High on life.

Okay,

Later.

XOXOXO

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

What A Shitty Day

Dearest Reader,

I woke up about seven hours ago. I woke up feeling like crap. I had a very intense and severe headache. I had a migraine. Sure, if you have ever had a migraine, you know how this story is going to go. But, let me break it down for you, anyway. All I can say now is that, I am glad to be alive because I felt that I was surely dying. What helped was vomiting. Can you believe it? I am sitting here thinking, "Why the hell didn't I vomit earlier?"

Yeah, I vomited about twenty minutes ago, and for the first time today, I felt that there was a God. Before that, I was in hell. I have acute rhinitis, which is a sinus thing. So, because I am an optimistic control freak, I decided to not have painkillers around because "I don't need medicine. The One Infinite Creator will save me from pain."

Well, he didn't! Or at least not today. I have cried all day due to the pain. I have called people left, right and center to either take me to hospital or bring me medicine, and NOTHING! That's also why I was crying. I was feeling sorry for myself at being alone and far away from my family. I wailed! I wept! While I was crying, I am speaking to my guides, God, Jesus, my ancestors or any entity that happened to be walking by me, to help me and make the pain go away. Then, I got an idea and called my friend Kovin to bring me some medication because going to hospital would be a waste of money since I know what is wrong with me. God bless him, he came through, five hours later, but better late than never.

Then, I took the pills. One for my upset stomach, one for sinus problems and one for pain. This happened forty minutes ago. I chilled for a while and then something went awfully wrong. I felt worse than ever. I wasn't sure what my tummy wanted and above all these gastric problems, my migraine was still giving me gang signs, saying "I'm still here bitch."

Then, I went to the loo, looked at the toilet, put the seat up and vomited. I blew some major chunks. Then after that, I drank lots of water, and went back to the loo, and now I was in control. I was going to induce this second bit of vomiting. I did. I hurled, yeah. And by the grace of the Almighty, I don't know how I lived with such a lot of bile in me. The puke was bitter, and since I had not eaten since last might, there were no real chunks. There was just dark, green liquid, yo! It was bitter, it was menacing and I am sure that it was pure evil, a lovely gift from Santa... I mean Satan.

Anyway, right after that, even though my head still hurts, I opened my eyes and the PC for the first time today and Googled "vomiting bile" and yeah... It is migraine related, caused by sinus problems and so I decided to write this blog, just to say that I made it through the valley of the shadow of death.

Okay, although I am celebrating being okay, it is a bit too premature because my eyes still hurt and the computer screen is too bright. But, I feel so much better regardless of the pain that still lingers. I can even watch some tv now. *sigh* And, you should see me. I look like a refugee. My lips are dry, my eyes and my face is in need of nutrition and peace. I gave Kovin a fright when he came to deliver the pills. He has never seen me looking so ghastly.

I learned something very valuable during my drinking days, and that is: "You always feel better after vomiting." This big piece of wisdom was reiterated today. And, even though the Calvary was late to my rescue, I am very thankful now to be feeling better. I paid for a lot of sins today. I paid for ignoring my food allergies and eating chocolates like there was no tomorrow, for eating products with flour and milk as if I am not gluten and lactose intolerant. I suppose I rather deserve this shitty day, and now I am going to be even more vigilant about what I put in my body.

I swear, it feels like I have returned from the lowest level of existence  It was so bad that I didn't even tweet all day. Now, that's bad. I made sure I didn't call my mom because I didn't want to worry her and besides, she is far away and couldn't have helped. I was also close to calling her to say good-bye because I was sure that this was the end for me. I had written my goodbye messages for twitter, Facebook and here before my supposed death.

I don't like pain. It reduces me to tears. It also makes me delirious. I was saying to myself, "Oh great! Now you want to take me, just as I have found happiness on earth, You bastard, Universe, piece of shit! I beg you for years to take me and NADA, and today, you want to yank me from Earth? Screw YOU!" Yeah, I speak to the Universe, and the Creator as if we are the closest friends ever. That's when I said, "I can't die now. I still have love to give!" and that's when I asked for help from the Universe. Look, the Universe created me as a moody, temperamental person, so She didn't mind that I was asking Her for help right after I swore at her. And, guess what? I got help. I puked. Yay!

Shit! *closes eyes for a second*

I'm tired now and my eyes are sore.

Later.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!

P.S. Yeah, Jesus Christ Consciousness was summoned. My mama indoctrinated me well, and I am thankful for it.

P.P.S. I forgot my Facebook password, so I think I will just leave it like that. Random, I know.

Monday, December 24, 2012

I Am Whipped! And I Like It!

Dearest Reader,

Picture this:

He runs whenever he can, and he also cycles long distances. In other words, he has a nice body. He is a nerd, but that is because he is very computer savvy. As a matter of fact, he is writing a thesis on computer codes, and zeros and ones... I have no idea what he really does. He loves music and is very much intrenched in the local music scene, hanging out and working with bands. He loves hip hop and has seen Method Man, Jay Z and other rappers live. He is into A Tribe Called Quest, and he has a very good sense of style. I would name the high end fashion brands he supports, but I don't remember them even after Googling them, because it was the first time hearing of them from him. But still... He doesn't wear anything branded visibly because he is classy. He is the type to wear rusty-red pants and a black shirt and a blazer. Yes, he has a very developed sense of style, and he is not trying to impress anyone.

Did I mention how intelligent he is? Yeah, we can speak for hours about this and that, but more importantly, we can speak for hours sharing wisdom and knowledge. Yes, you have read my blog for a long time, and it is clear that I am a know-it-all, but this guy can tell me things I didn't know, and give me a fresh perspective on time and space. He is wise. He is calm, but he has edge that says, "don't fuck with me". We are talking about a man who is very masculine but very in touch with his feminine side.

Have you pictured it yet? Is it highly sexy yet? No? Okay, I'll go on.

On top of all of his wonderful glory, he finds me attractive. He even finds my ugly side attractive. Well, I don't allow many people to my vulnerable place because other people have abused it, and this very morning he wrote me this text:

" I'm not going to abuse or misuse your vulnerability."

I think I fell for him right there! I mean, do you even know of a guy who can spell the word vulnerability and use it naturally in a sentence because that is his natural way of speaking? NO! Unless the guy is a writer, guys don't speak like this! 

Oh, how I swooned! I swooned and I prayed in thanks to the One Infinite Creator, to my Ancestors, to my guides and to Jesus Christ, for bringing me such joy and perfection. He is not phased by me. He does not compete with me. He is not perplexed by my extremist, theatrics

Instead, what does he do? 

Instead he tells me that I am beautiful. He tells me that I am sexy. He tells me how attractive I am, and when I hint at wanting to lose weight, he says, "Noooooo!" LOL! Oh, to be desired and accepted for my imperfections is such a gift. I can not take any of this for granted. I can't even dare think that it is common because I have been through all the douches and frogs who didn't turn into princes after they were kissed. 

He knows things about me that no one does. He has seen things that no one has from me. I feel safe doing so because I don't fear judgment or rejection. He has me so calm, that even when I freak out about this and that, he just has to say a few words and I am back to normal. What a gentle soul, but don't let that fool you. He is a red and hot-blooded man and looks it. 

What a joy to experience this. No matter what happens, whether this lasts or not. I have been honored by its experience. I feel like I have won the lottery, and I feel like I have won a prize for being most beautiful, most lovely, most intelligent, most everything. I really adore this man. I can't explain it more than this. The only thing left is to write a song inspired by him. I only write songs for people who touch me deeply about issues and topics that move me. His song will have a feel of Shania Twain's "From This Moment" I suspect. That's how epic this man is.

All I know is that, I had to write about him, even though I want to keep him to myself. I have written about less worthy men before, and here comes someone who leaves them eating dust and I don't speak about him? Besides, when I snap out of this dream, I want to be able to read back to remind myself that this was real and not a dream. I am happy, and not just because of him but because he and many other aspects of my life have just come together in harmony. Even if the world were to be in turmoil around me, I would always have a reason to smile because of him, my family and my other worldly blessings.

I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

The most cynical, most dark, and most pessimistic person I knew (me in the past) has grown out of the darkness and I am being rewarded for it. I mean, I am even thinking of having his babies! Don't worry! I am not in a rush to have kids, but I would have his kids without fear, without doubt and without hesitation. That, my dears, is uncharacteristic of me because babies scare the shit out of me generally. But, with him, my fears are banished.

Thank you!

I feel alive.

I am very grateful for the love in my life.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.   

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Truth About Outdated Habits and Teachings

Don't be afraid of Love. It will never lead you astray!
Dearest Reader,

In a world where we have been programmed and indoctrinated to believe that skepticism, fear, guilt, obligation and doubt are useful thought patterns and emotions, it goes without saying why we find difficulty in being happy, peaceful and powerful beings who are in control of their destinies, because all these emotions that we have been taught to feel go against everything that is good about life.

We have been taught that if things are good, they are too good to be true. We have been taught that if we are not afraid, we are heading in the wrong direction. We have been taught that hard work is better than smart work. We have been taught that if things are not painful or challenging, they are not real or long lasting.

Personally, I think that there is some truth in what we have been taught but there is a big lie too in what we have been taught. You see, they don't tell us that the reason why good, long lasting relationships have a degree of difficulty is because life is cyclical and energy ebbs and flows. This means that, in a long term, healthy relationship, there will be times of euphoria which wane over time to be replaced by times of difficulty. The difficulties, just like the happiness are temporary, and both come and go. So, if you are unhappy all the time in your personal relationship, it doesn't mean that it is healthy, because it is not changing. So, to think that this is a good thing is to lie to yourself. But, to have periods of unhappiness in a happy relationship is very natural. This is because life is ever changing, and these changes are everlasting. These changes are part of your growth and part of your relationship's growth.

For a new cycle to be birthed, some labour pains will be experienced. For strength to be attained, the precursor is pain. For longevity to be attained, some changes need to be experienced.

Therefore, good things are not too good to be true. Good things merely don't last. Good things get interrupted by life dramas and the goodness may seem to have left, but it always returns. So, just be patient through the tough times and meditate on the new goodness that awaits you around the corner. Fear is not a prerequisite to happiness, but fear makes us aware of the downside of our actions and therefore, it is useful. Fear is only useful if it doesn't stop us from going after our dreams, desires and happiness. So, if you are not afraid of being in love, if you are not afraid of taking risks, and if you are not afraid of rejection and disappointment, but are aware that the opposite of your desires might happen, and you go ahead and do it anyway, then you are acting healthily. That is why they say that without fear we are being foolish, because fear shows us where not to go. If you know where not to go without fear, you don't need to be afraid.

Lastly, we have been taught that working hard, and suffering through situations is how we get what we desire. This is not true. The truth is, things that come without a challenge are not satisfying, and they are not easy to honour and protect. That is all. We don't need to work hard to get what we desire. But, we may have to work hard to keep what we have attained. That is why we have been taught to honour hard work. If you can attain and keep the things you attain without working hard for them, then you don't have to work hard for them. Fear is to protect us, not to prevent us from acting. So, if there is a war, fear is your armour which protects you from possible danger, it is not what makes us not go to war. When fear prevents us from going to the proverbial war, it no longer serves us. Also, fear is temporary. If it lasts longer than a day, it is no longer healthy fear which protects you from possible danger.
This is so me! LOL!

The point to this post is this:

We have been taught many things without knowing why the teachings are valid. This has lead us astray because we go through unnecessary pain when we can enjoy our ride towards success and happiness. We don't have to be afraid, we don't have to work hard, and we don't have to be unhappy to get what we desire. We merely have to be grateful for the things we desire and for the things we attain to keep them. What is the easiest way to learn gratitude? It is through knowing the pain, loss and difficulty of losing what we desire. The fact is, many people have learned to be grateful. So, they don't need to take the long route to get their desires. They no longer have to hesitate to go for what they desire because they have learned how to honour and respect their desires.

So, contextualize and make practical the things you desire, whether it is love, peace and/.or power. Once you have done that, you will see that acting through what you have been taught or through habit, might no longer be necessary because you know better now. You know better than to be afraid, guilty, obligated, doubtful or hard on yourself. You know better to embrace a good thing when it comes into your life, and you know better to welcome gifts, blessings and love into your life without delay or without pushing it away. You are grown up to appreciate goodness instead of fear the good things. You are good enough to have good things and be in a good space of mind. You deserve happiness without bending over backwards for it because you have learned to appreciate, respect, honour and enjoy love, peace and power.

Thanks for reading

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.
Lover, Loved and Winner.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Read: The Current Times. Fear Not!

Dearest Reader,

It is not that I am in a state of emotional turmoil that I write this blog. I am actually quite good in mind, body and spirit. I can't say the same for many others though during this time. You see, the beginning of the harvest is literally a few days from now. What is the harvest, you ask? Well, the harvest is when each individual human harvests themselves from all limitless possibilities, and actually chooses to reap the aspect of their being that is most who they are. It is a time when I AM becomes alive, and as humans, we become who we choose to be from the many array of possibilities. It is a time when we choose to be happy and be happy, or when we choose to be depressed and be depressed.

This transition occurs in varying ways, many of which are quite tumultuous, especially if you're holding on to a aspect of yourself that you no longer wish to manifest in your current reality. For example, if you still hold on to being an honest person but your deep desire is to be a dishonest person, or visa versa, you will have a bit of physiological manifestations that might be a bit confusing. Another cause of unrest will be putting yourself in situations that you no longer desire, situations that you subconsciously choose to be in due to addiction to such undesirable energy, or due to indoctrination and habit.

Your deepest desires are fighting to come forth, with or without your conscious choosing, and it might not be pretty, but please don't panic. It is just like labour pains before birth, any change comes with discomfort, and the birth of a new life comes with pain in most cases. The pain is fleeting and it is going to be a pain that you will be grateful to have gone through, so hold fast hope, and be aware that it will pass.

Symptoms that I am observing from those around me, from myself and from stories I am hearing are as follows:

  • Women's cycles are changing and are becoming in unison with other women, so don't panic and think something is wrong when your cycles jumps a few weeks. 
  • People are experiencing a lot of anxiety attacks, especially men. This is obvious because women cry all the time, so we generally have less anxiety than men, so what men have been bottling up all these years, ages and centuries is now coming out to the surface. Let us nurture our men kind and support them through this period.
  • People are falling in love, or being deeply infatuated with each other. This is a good tool to raise your energy to the required frequency. Don't fight it. Let it be. Don't judge the feelings, and don't repress the feelings you have, even if you're in love with a dog. LOL! Just feel the love. There is no need to have sex from feeling love, so that means you don't have to resort to bestiality if you're in love with your dog.
  • People are giddy, laughing and just in a state of euphoria. This is the flavour of the new person that is trying to come out. Let the euphoria take over. Don't fight anything.
  • People are more sexually aroused, especially men. This is just pent up energies trying to come through and release themselves. Do what you gotta do, as long as no one is hurt through the process.
  • Old friends are coming together. People who grew up with you, as well as your family, are part of your soul family. The coming together of people from your childhood is a way of offering support to one another. Let it be.
  • People are remembering things about their past that they had forgotten. This is also part of the cleansing of self. By remembering the past, you acknowledge it, and therefore, you can choose to let go of its hold upon you.
  • People are binge drinking because they are suddenly more stressed than usual, so they are partying more, probably taking more drugs and just trying to do what they can to cope. Rather not drink and take drugs at this stage, but if it is all you can do to cope, go ahead. Nothing is ever a train smash.
  • People are having nightmares, waking up in cold sweats and just general discomfort of unusual sleep. This is also natural. Your dreams are your subconscious allowing you to see it. Dreams allow us to tap into the memories that are present in our cells, our cellular memories, where we get to actually travel through time and remember the sins and actions of our heritage biologically. We get to visit our evolutionary road.
There are more symptoms and a lot of them are causing confusion. The trick is to not take anything seriously these days that passes through you. Just let it be. Enjoy it, if it is pleasurable. Those that aren't comfortable should also not be treated seriously. Just tell yourself that this is a passing phase and it is part of the cleansing.

The main thing to do presently is to remain calm, try to laugh as much as you can. Eradicate negativity consciously and don't depress yourself by being around people, places or situations that depress you. Try to be in calm, quiet situations where you are not pushed emotionally because even good intense feelings are not quite healthy.

I hope you are not judging yourself. Do what makes you feel good and calm, therefore, pray if that is how you get comfort, give thanks for your blessings if that is what makes you smile. Sing, hug someone, or sleep - but do what you must to treat your being with respect and gentleness at this time because you are a god, and you are about to rise like the pheonix from the ashes, again!

Adonai

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.

P.S. I think I channeled this info. Not sure.  I wrote it in less than 5 minutes.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Block, Delete, Report As Spam!

Dearest Reader,

After the great progress that I have been making in aligning my actions with my desires, I have realized a few things, and the most important of these realizations is that there are people who have no business being in my life. Therefore, some time back, I did myself the favor of deleting people's numbers who's energy drained mine instead of building it. There are a few people who I need to remove from from life permanently, people who just make me roll my eyes whenever I hear from them, or people who drain and annoy me every time their name pops up on my messages.

I hope that in 3 months time, I could have tied all loose strings with these people because with some there is unfinished business. Then, I can get rid of some people forever. They serve no purpose. They just take my energy, abuse my vulnerability and also annoy the fuck out of me, and so, since I am in charge of my life, I have to ask myself why I speak to these people.

The problem with the past is that we hold on to it. We let people exist in our lives today due to past glories. The truth is, someone could have served a purpose then, and now they could have turned toxic. But, I am a loyal person, and it is tough for me to let go of people, especially if they had been helpful or kind to me before.

I really feel a new era of my life beginning. You would think that this new era comes with new people, but no! This new era is featuring a lot of the friends I grew up with, friends who have been loyal to me during my darkest hours, and people who just liked me for the fact that I was born, not due to anything else that I have ever done. Those are the people who are coming back into my life. I am happy about this. Those who had me in their lives conditionally seem to be going out of fashion. I am glad. So, with that, let me carry on deleting people's numbers and blocking people.

I really desire a joyful, simple life with love and respect being the flavor of each day. If love and respect do not feature in my relationships, they now feel uncomfortable, and I am glad. So, if I don't reply, if you can't through to me, if I am just silent - I'll call you, don't call me. And when I call, if you don't want to respond because of this decision I am making, I will take full responsibility for it. I am not afraid of losing people who make my life less than lovely. If that is considered burning bridges, than so be it.

I have never been afraid to burn bridges if burning bridges means that I am happier. I need to be true to myself. I need to be loving to myself. Having people who disrespect me and mistreat me, people who talk to me not when they desire to speak to me but people who speak to me when they desire something from me... I am killing those relationships as of now.

I am tired. I am not angry. I am just tired. I am tired of people lowering my energy. That is all.

V

Mutual, Grown and Sexy!

Dearest Reader,

When my feelings are stable, peaceful and joyful, I don't write much. That is my current position. When I am happy, I can't be bothered with writing, singing or even doing work. All I want to do is enjoy the feelings I have, and drown in them.

I will not analyze happiness. I only only analyze discontent. That is why I never have much to say when I am glad. Like now... I am just enjoying the ride, enjoying the relief of smiling when I wake up and smiling when I fall asleep.

I wrote this for one particular reason. I desired to put it out into the world and the universe in thanks. I am thankful that I am done with the darkness. I am thankful for the fun I am having now. I am grateful for the beauty I am now feeling, and all of this is because I was able to grow from the darkness. I couldn't care less about anything when I am happy. The world could go up in smoke around me and I would be smiling like a goofy idiot.

I am thankful to the source of this smile on my face. I feel very blessed because at the centre of my frustrations, I had forgotten how good it feels to be free.I am free. I am love. I am truth. I am peace. I am power. I am joy. All I do is think of what could be with a faith that can move mountains because unlike before, my joy is not so raw that it pains me. No. This joy is gentle yet deep. This happiness is fitting yet bold.

I thank the source of my joy. I don't care how long the joy lasts. I am just thankful that it happened. Rather that is happened for a short while than never at all.

Veronnica Wolpendz

Love, Peace and Power.

There is nothing as sweet as mutual attraction and admiration. :-)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Love Makes A Comeback

Venusian balance
Dearest Reader,

Wow! I have been in the worst rut of my life these past few years, especially these last few months. Fortunately, the stars and gods are on my side, and they hurled me out of the pit of nothingness and landed me right on familiar, exotic and beautiful ground.

Yes, I am not dating anymore by choice. I am not interested in the drama of men and their issues, but it doesn't mean that I can't admire, marvel and daydream, does it? I think it's all I can do, to be honest. I don't mind either. I find it quite refreshing and quite free.

The object of my affections is someone I have known since I was a kid. This makes me happy because it means that I am instantly relaxed about it. To top it all off, he is very similar to me. We share memories, friends and experiences. It is perfect except for a few challenges which I won't dwell on quite yet.

I will leave it right there. In the next blog, I hope to update you on work related things. For now though, I am going to go to sleep. I will have him as the last thought before I pass out and I hope he shall be the first thing I think of when I wake up because his mental image is nothing short of total pleasure and excitement.

To those who I once desired. It is over. A new dude is on my mind, and I like it because he is actually a good guy who respects me as I do him. It could be a brief and passing phase, but all I know is that I shall enjoy these new feelings with gusto and vitality, as I always do.

Good night.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Lover and Loved.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Why I Don't Watch Sad Movies!

Dearest Reader,

So, I watched Mystic River for the first time today and I blew a gasket on twitter, ranting about how abuse and past trauma's are no reason to be an abuser too. *rolls eyes* I hate this part of my personality. I am sick and tired of it. It bores me so much! I am so sick and tired of preaching and being self-righteous just because I didn't become like my abusers as well as not being a victim of my circumstance. I mean, big deal, right? I am sure there are plenty of people who have overcome their tough past. The problem is, when I get that trigger, like experiencing injustice or seeing a movie which shows such things, I just lose it.

I don't lose it violently. I don't lose it physically, but my blood starts pumping fast, my head starts feeling as if it is about to spin. Basically, I become angry, and now although calm, I am suffering for the anger by having indigestion. Great! I hate having an upset tummy. It says a lot though. It means that I was very angry because I don't or can't show anger on my face, or by the the tone of my voice, but I feel it in symptoms that follow, like having a headache, having an upset tummy and sometimes by having a panic attack.

This is why I don't watch upsetting movies. People are genuinely surprised when I say that I only watch comedies, chick-flicks, science-fiction and fantasy films. I will dabble in some thrillers, but I don't mess with horror, dramas and stories that have to do with racism, slavery and so on. If I am going to watch a movie, it must inspire awe, wonder or fluffy girly feelings, or else I can't be bothered. Why am I watching movies about murders, rapes, molestations, racism and general hardship when I have lived it? Yes, so please, I will not be watching Amistad, Cry The Beloved Country, and all that stuff. If I knew that Mystic River was going to fuck me over like this, I wouldn't have watched it. The movie was good, but I hate it.

Now, I am sitting here, after midnight, just having gulped a shitload of antacid, contemplating taking a headache pill and wondering when I will calm down before I can be peaceful and sleep.

You see, these painful movies just trigger all the pain I have ever felt, from small hurts to big hurts. I start remembering every dickhead I have ever come across, and I start rehashing the past which shouldn't be affecting my present. Then, I end up here, drained as fuck, wondering why I watched that dreaded movie, and wishing someone can deliver some comfort food like ice-cream. But wait, with being lactose intolerant and with having an upset tummy from being over emotional, I realize that even ice-cream wouldn't help the situation.

The worst thing about thinking about my past is the danger of going into a pity party about it. I detest feeling sorry for myself. I really do. I was beginning to, then I decided to stop that nonsense. My music is a huge trigger of pain. The fact that I have not achieved my objectives concerning my music is the only thing that makes me unhappy. It is something I think about daily. It is something that eats at my soul. So, when I feel sorry for myself, I always end up at my music, whining about "not being given a chance" and complaining about those who stand in my way asking too much of me because I can't have sex with people for money or my career because of my relationship with sex. Then, I bitch and moan, saying, "Why can't I just be judged on merit alone?" and "Why do they close doors for you if you won't fuck them?" or "I might never be successful in music because I only desire to have sex for pleasure and/or love because sex was cheapened in my life through abuse and rape for me to choose to cheapen it by doing it for business."

Then, I cry.

Fuck!

I wish I was one of those people who can have meaningless sex, or have sex when I don't want to. I would be far.

See... I don't want to think this way. It is victim mentality. My only hope is to fall in love with someone in the music industry so that I can have sex with him while he opens doors for me. Otherwise, I will be grumbling about this for quite some time.

In the meantime, I will do work that doesn't require for me to whore myself.

Who would have thought that being successful in music one has to be a prostitute? I didn't know this going into the music industry. I was truly naive. I had no idea. If I knew, I would have tried to love something else other than music. But, it is a choice that I made to not succumb to the pressure of being a whore for my craft. I can do anything else, just not sex. I can probably slit the throat of a cuddly animal before I have sex for money or music.

That's when I call myself an idiot for being idealistic.

Then I reprimand myself for calling myself names.

Then I cry.

Then I sleep and hope for a better new day.

All this from watching a sad movie. So, I avoid them like the plague. Sad movies are a bad trigger for my demons, especially if the sadness comes from rape, war, murder, poverty, abuse of any sort, etc.

Sad movies trigger a pity party and take my power away. I don't like feeling powerless and defeated. I don't like feeling at the mercy of my past or circumstance. I don't like feeling that I am being picked on, bullied and trated unfairly because I ask, "Why are people always treating me badly?" and then I open up a can of worms where I do a mental chronological inventory of how I was cheated out of happiness in my life.

Watching sad movies are for people who have no sadness in their lives. It makes me wonder when the struggle will stop of if it ever will for me. It makes me wonder why I am not drinking and taking drugs. It makes me wonder why I am alive if this is what my life has to offer? And, I can't! I just can not! I like and prefer smiling, laughing and being in high and good spirits. Watching sad movies is intentionally depressing myself, which is problematic and twisted.

So, now, I am going to take a paracetamol, lie back in bed and hope I fall asleep because I am tired of being a hot mess today. Tomorrow I will wake up better. I am sure. I need a break from this reality so sleep would be good, but with insomnia, I am not holding my breath.

Ciao

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!
Woe, Alone and Weird!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A Just God, Saturn.

The planet Saturn
Dearest Reader,

These days I must be such a darling for astrology lovers because I am blogging about it a lot. I apologize to those I have sidelined because of this. I am just like that. I have many interests and they are not necessarily from the same part of town. I would also like to apologize about the lack of pictures. They refuse to load. :(

Transiting Saturn is entering my 1st house and today it is exact conjunct my Ascendant, which means that I am a Scorpio Rising gal (with Pluto Rising too, by the way), and many fear Saturn because it ruins people's lives apparently, but I love Saturn. I have not always loved it because when one first learns about astrology, all one hears are horror stories of how Saturn did them wrong, but in my experience, Saturn is not bad. Saturn is a corrector of wrongs, and a guide into what benefits us, and so, yes, Saturn can be quite depressing if you have been going the "wrong" direction.

"You're redefining your image right now, and your social world is changing. Don't worry if it seems that you have fewer friends, or if you feel alone with those who remain. The times they are a changin'. "

 If you fear change, if you fear being alone, if you fear the unknown and if you fear hard work and thankless work, I can see how you can complain about Saturn, but if like me, all you've ever known is being alone, living in uncertainty, working hard and not getting instant gratification, this can be quite an ordinary time.

I like this Saturn transit for one main reason: it improves things for the better. Even though it may happen in an uncomfortable way, the situation and one's circumstances do change for the better in the long run. Saturn is about the bigger picture, and so changes that occur contribute to this. If health problems come up because of Saturn, it is so you can change you bad habits, and do right by your body. If break ups occur, it is so that you can work on yourself to be a stronger human being. I like Saturn because he is weak in my chart. I am very scatterbrained, I am easily bored and I can't keep my mind on one thing for too long before I space out, or see something else that interests me. So, Saturn in my first and conjunct my Ascendant means that I now have the ability to not only start things as seen in the past, but I now can finish what I started.

I have many things that I have started in my life that have not come into fruition, from work, to career, to relationships and to mental space. Now, I can make things happen, thanks to Saturn. I may not get rewarded for these things now, but I will now have completed works to show. I may not have the recognition I think I deserve but now I will have material to show why I deserve to be recognized. This is a beautiful transit if you allow it to be. I am not just excited about finishing things that I have started, but I am excited for the day that I can say that my hard work paid off.
Saturn, The God Who Reaps Our Harvest

Saturn gives us satisfaction for what we have achieved. That is why, things that Saturn rewards us with last. Saturn gives us rewards because we deserve them by showing commitment, by limiting our pleasures to get what we desire and by being disciplined, even to the extent of losing friends, in order to achieve what we desire. Those types of achievements last because they are a result of blood, sweat and tears, and that is the only reward I desire, i.e. one that lasts; not fly by night rewards.

"Relocating is perhaps the most common [result]. The dissolution of old friendships and the formation of new ones also occurs. A change in employment or the start of a new interest may develop. You may decide to seriously pursue an area that you have always had an interest in, but never seriously pursued."

 One of the things that I have been desiring intensely is to have a hot body, hot enough to have on magazine covers. The desire for such is half vanity and half health reasons. I treasure being healthy, and I also treasure aging at a healthy rate. I have had no discipline whatsoever to workout, until recently. I now have a personal trainer who teaches me boxing and I also do a lot of physical work through swimming and power walking when I am not training. I know that with this transit, I shall achieve my desired body image. I just know. Even as I type this, my body is a bit sore from working out, and now, I feel guilty if a day goes by without some sort of physical exercise. This is what I have dreamt of for some time, and now it is coming to pass.

Secondly, I have recently entered the acting world, and so having a banging body is work now. It is work I don't mind doing. It is work that will take a few months to see bare results, and it is work that might take even longer to make profitable.

I am also half way through my autobiography. This I am going to complete with pleasure. I think I have collected enough drama now to sit in the house and write. After that, the book SHALL be published because Saturn rewards hard, useful work.

Saturn Glyph
There are other things that are in the pipeworks that require me to knuckle down and get down and dirty to get the fulfillment I crave. Last, but certainly not least, for years now I have been thinking about moving to Europe. The time is ripe for a fresh, new start. Going to Europe would not just be a lovely change of scenery, but it would also be a very strategic move to make for my music.

Therefore, as you can see, transiting Saturn is on the money. All the changes that are occurring in my life are being supported by Saturnine energy. It is a dull time for people with no vision, but for a visionary like me, it is an exciting time to be alive. I will see myself change right before my eyes. I will see my plans starting to take form and manifest into reality. The element of reality that has been missing in my life has finally come. I welcome it with thanks and joy.

"Your inspirations and original ideas take concrete form now. This is a very positive time when the opportunity to do the things that you love presents itself. You feel freed from restrictions and obstacles, and your creative abilities are very strong."


 I have been waiting for the harvest for a long time now. I have been even looking for the right mate to have when I start having the things I dream of become reality. I have been shopping in my mind for a very long time, doing the anti-Saturn thing, and putting myself out there, taking risks and being totally erratic because I knew that this time is coming. Now, as I type this, I know who is in my life and I know who isn't. During Saturn's run in my 12th house, I made it a point to make such things clear to me. I am also quite clear about who my friends are, who my enemies are, who my supporters are and who my naysayers are. I have put many people through a lot of difficulty trying to achieve this. I have been disappointed to see many people leave my life through my time of pruning, but it was necessary because I knew that this day was coming.

If you know what it means to be a Scorpio AC, Mars, Jupiter, Ceres and Eros, you will understand that I was being deliberately reckless, speculative, daring and transparent about who I am so that those who don't belong with me can leave, and those who have a natural affinity with me could remain. I have read my chart for years to come, until 2017 to be exact, and yes, transiting Saturn in Scorpio, in my 1st house has been awaited since 2007. It's like Christmas for me. A tough Christmas.

"Almost any endeavor, whether it be writing, art, music, science, etc., benefits from this astrological influence. You can make great strides in the development of technique. You have excellent control and discipline, without being too rigid; for example, musicians can give brilliant performances under this astrological influence."


So, to conclude, I will say the following: Never underestimate the power of desire. Never underestimate the power of affirmations. Never underestimate the power of the mind. Plant seeds (Mars), listen to your desires (Venus), take risks (Jupiter) and be bold (Sun) about what you desire because you just might get it. Saturn is what they are describing when they say "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it." because Saturn gives you your deepest desires, and our deepest desires are not very glamorous or easy to attain. Being really happy takes a lot of humility, which is not easy to come by as a human. Power comes with lots of responsibilities which are not easy to fulfill. Peace comes with a lot of sacrifices which are not easy to make. We all wish to be happy, but when happiness presents itself to us, we don't take it because we didn't understand that it was such serious business to be happy. This is what Saturn means. This is what Saturn gives. He gives you exactly what you desire, and he doesn't care whether it is fun getting it. All he cares about is that you be very pleased once you reach the acme and summit of your dreams by destroying all the bad habits, thoughts, and relationships that kept you away from your Nirvana.

Saturn is that teacher that you hated because they were hard on you, but is now the teacher you are most thankful to because you gained a valuable skill through being pushed. Those who know me will tell you that I have a thirst and an insatiable desire to learn and understand things that I do not know. I am pleased attain skills that make me a better human being, by making me wiser. Who, better than Saturn, can give my life meaning and practicality? No one but Saturn. 

Thank You,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!

More On Saturn Tranists 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dearest Reader,

I am having trouble sleeping. My throat is sore. I am very tired. If I am tired, I should sleep, right? Well, insomnia doesn't work like that. Insomnia is a mind game, and if the mind has more will over your desire to sleep, you will remain awake, thinking, obsessing, revisiting issues, places and people. You will spend it worrying about life in general. You can go from thinking of a lost opportunity for love, to a lost opportunity for work. The thoughts just whoosh about in the mind, giving me no rest, and making me jittery instead of restful.

Today, I had a lovely day overall. In fact, it was a physically demanding day. I had an intense workout session with my personal trainer and did boxing and circuit. I did everything from jabbing, uppercuts to left hooks. Then I did push ups, sit ups, crunches and even planking. It was grueling, but as soon as the hour was over, and after I cooled down, I felt the angst return again. Therefore, I jumped into the pool. I swam laps while also making sure that I am exercising my upper body. By the time I had had enough of swimming, it was 2 hours later. My finger tips were wrinkled and I was shivering a bit.

Still, the physical exercise was not enough. I needed to do more. I thought of taking a walk, but I thought that maybe I was overworking myself, so after taking a shower, I spent another hour playing the guitar, which put me under some trance. But, soon, my fingers couldn't take the metallic strings, and so I had to give up playing the guitar against my desires. I needed more. I needed something else to occupy me physically because I am literally tired of thinking. I have had it with thinking and doing calculations of this and that.

Therefore, I went to work. I opened up my PC, and read my emails for the first time today. I sent emails, responded to some and deleted a whole lot of them. The point is, nothing is giving me that place of peace and rest right now. I am hormonal and the pressure is mounting, not decreasing, so the angst, antsy and restless behavior is going to persist for a few days.

During all of this, I managed to make dinner, remove my nail polish, and think about doing the washing.

I hate this feeling.

Being incredibly tired but not tired enough to pass out is not fun. I know what's encouraging this thought. I have too much stimuli of my senses. The tv is on. The PC is on. My eyes are opened. My ears are not plugged. So, after I post this, I am going to get myself some fruit because I hungry again. Then I am going to switch off most of my senses and hope to God that I sleep. I am not entirely sleep deprived. The last time I slept, the duration of the slumber was 4 hours of interrupted sleep, which is better than no sleep.

I hope I can fall asleep now and wake up in 12 hours, but that won't happen. The cleaning lady will make a racket, waking me up prematurely with the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Alternatively, someone will call me at 8am because they wouldn't be aware that I just fell asleep. I am going to try though to fill my stomach so that I can have that sleepiness that one gets from eating, and hope that this feeling, plus the anti-histamines that I have taken do some magic and let me go to sleep.

Earth is holding me hostage and I am fed up. I desire to go to the astral now and rejuvenate like normal people. I would like to have some dreams that are fun to have. I would like to wake up refreshed like normal  people instead of the zombie I look like right now.

But enough complaining. Let me post and prepare for sleep.

Thank You for reading.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Winner, Renowned!


 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Astrology For Lovers: Part 1

Dearest Reader,

After all my crushes, relationships and partnerships come to an end, I always do a postmortem astrology reading about what could have been, or what was responsible for the end, through relationship charts such as Synastry charts and Composite charts as seen below. It helps fill the void when I have nothing to hold on to. I actually read charts to fall asleep. It's not that they are boring. I guess it is because they are therapeutic and slightly tedious, with all the detail needed to read one.

Below is our Composite Interpretation, Me and Mr. La Douche..

Please Note: Anything about astrology tells us of possibilities, not absolutes. For example, these aspects were never given a chance to manifest because the situation never came for them to come about. Also, some people are more mature than the astrological chart, therefore they bypass the negative energies and handle them with love, tolerance and understanding. Truth be told, relationships with harder aspects have survived and flourished because the people involved were committed to make it work. What astrology does is just tell you possible things that might come up and need addressing.

The interpretations below are taken from Astro.com using their Astro Click Partner free tool. You can go there too and play around with it.

Sun Conjunct Ascendant  
The conjunction of the composite Sun and the Ascendant signifies a relationship that is likely to have a considerable impact on its surroundings. It may be that you are simply a striking pair of people who impress others easily without making any special effort to do so. But it may also be that the two of you are trying to make an impact on those around you for reasons of your own. You are not likely to bow to social pressures. The most important point about this relationship is that it will have considerable integrity. You will be true to yourselves, and that will certainly help to win you the admiration of others.

Moon Conjunct Mars  
The conjunction of composite Moon and composite Mars indicates that you arouse very strong feelings in each other, but by itself it does not indicate whether they are good or bad feelings. In a love relationship, for example, this aspect indicates that you will have a very strong emotional involvement. The relationship will probably stir up both positive and negative emotions in both of you.

If your relationship is basically good, you will simply experience a heightened emotional involvement, although with a greater tendency to quarrel. But if your relationship is not otherwise very sound, it will be destroyed by the fighting that this aspect produces. One of the strong points of this aspect is that in a sexual relationship it creates a good deal of sexual energy.


Mercury Conjunct Ascendant  
The conjunction of composite Mercury and Ascendant signifies a relationship in which communication and shared ideas are very important. Fortunately, you are not likely to fall into rigid patterns of behavior in this relationship. The two of you will seek as many varied experiences as possible, but you will tend not to go into any of them very deeply. Shallowness is the most negative characteristic of Mercury. Although you may cover a lot of ground in your experiences together, you often only skim the surface Do not let superficiality deprive the two of you of deep emotional experiences together.


Venus Square Uranus  
With the square of Venus and Uranus in the composite chart, you can confidently expect the unexpected. A relationship can flare up and then die with incredible speed. Indeed, if you are looking for a quiet, reliable, long-term association, this is probably not it.

A relationship with this aspect is destroyed usually because one of the people tries to hold on to something within it. This makes the other person feel trapped and rebellious about the restrictions.
Often a relationship like this has something very unusual about it and may even fly in the face of social convention. Many extramarital affairs have this aspect or a similar one. In a way, the relationship lives because of this forbidden quality. If you break off your old relationships in favor of one such as this, you will discover that making it legitimate has taken away the "zing" of unconventionality. The two of you lose interest in each other, and the affair dies.

In its own terms, a relationship with this aspect is usually successful in one way or another. But if you want it to be long-lasting, you must operate from a very unstructured and open position with a minimum of restrictions.

Venus Sextile Pluto  
Venus sextile Pluto in the composite chart is an intensely transforming aspect, but it works in an undemanding way. The basic significance of this aspect is that your relationship will change the ways you think about the world, as well as changing your personal objectives. You both will be changed by the relationship, but you may not be aware of the process as it is happening. The only thing you will notice is that your feelings will have a depth that is not often found in a relationship.

Even a friendship with this aspect will have a greater sense of emotional involvement than usual.
In a sexual relationship the qualities of this aspect become especially evident. The whole relationship, and particularly the physical part of it, becomes a way of transcending the ordinariness of life.
Do not treat this relationship lightly, but do not be afraid of it either. It can be particularly rewarding.

Venus Sextile Saturn  
Venus sextile Saturn in a composite chart will have a certain restraining effect upon a relationship, ranging from a lasting sense of distance between you to a restrained but otherwise very affectionate bond. A love relationship with this aspect may be more durable than most, but both of you would approach it with a sense of duty as well as enjoyment. If this is a marriage, this aspect might make you stay together for the sake of the children or some such reason, when other couples would have split up. If there is affection between you, it is quiet and without fanfare; in fact, you may not show it overtly at all. In a business or professional relationship this aspect favors such endeavors as commercial art and practical design work of all types.

Venus Trine Neptune  
The trine of composite Venus and Neptune indicates a highly idealized relationship. If this a love affair, it is a very romantic one; if it is a friendship, you probably idealize each other's attributes. This relationship may also stimulate great creativity in one of you, enabling you to write poetry or music.

Venus and Neptune together mean the beautiful illusion. In a trine, however, the word "ideal" might be more appropriate than "illusion." Even so, you must try to stay in touch with the everyday world. Like many other configurations of Neptune, this aspect is often characterized by a platonic relationship. If there is physical sex, it is highly idealized.Your relationship should actually be quite beautiful and pleasant, but in order for it to exist successfully in the material world, you cannot spend all your time in the ideal world of your dreams.

Mars Square Uranus  
A personal relationship with this aspect is most likely to be successful if you have few expectations for it. With the square of Mars and Uranus in your composite chart, the two of you are especially impatient of objectives that "must" be attained. This relationship will take its own course.

This is not an especially good aspect if you hope to establish some type of permanent bond. Nor is it very good for a business relationship, for example, in which there are definite objectives to be gained. Such a relationship is not impossible, but you must allow a great deal of room for the unexpected and for sudden change. Almost certainly there is something here that goes against social convention. If that fact restricts either of you, it will be even more difficult. On the positive side, one thing is certain. If you are looking for a stimulating relationship that will bring something new into your world, this is it. Just give yourselves room to move. 

I love doing this when a relationship ends, just to look at what could have been had circumstances agreed.

Yours Dreamily,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Lover, Loved!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Rage: An Eye For An Eye?

Dearest Reader,

Rage.
I am a student of life. I don't go about thinking I know it all because I don't. I have so much to learn, even though I have gained a sizable amount of understanding thus far on my life journey. I learn most by observing myself than I do by observing others, although I do observe others too. From my study of the self, I have learned that I am the most damaged, most beautiful and most godly being that I have ever had the chance to get close to. Due to this knowing of myself, I have come to recognize the same in others, and my life thus far has been about sharing that with others, and being sensitive to that fact in others. All I truly desire in life is to show people what I have seen and that they can see it too. This has not been easy because many do not desire to see what I have seen. They just claim to, but when given the chance to see it, they never take that chance.

I am my biggest critic. I am my biggest observer, developer and biggest supporter of self. I know that if I don't look after myself, no one will. I am constantly watching my thoughts, and I don't push them away through distractions by filling my days with too many unnecessary activities like avoiding to be on my own by partying a lot, having sex with multiple partners, and being always occupied by things that won't be there when I die. I spend most of my time with myself because I think I am the biggest achievement. I am my biggest project. I am my most important task.

I have come to learn that through experience. I know my capabilities and I certainly know what I can or can not do. I know what is within my power and what isn't. I know that I am in a place where constant thought monitoring is NOT an option, where my actions reflect on who I am, where my desires tell me where I am mentally or spiritually. Right now, my desires tell me that, the more I get taken for granted, the more I am not heard, the more I am disrespected, the more I am mistreated, I am going to explode! And, to be honest, the explosion is probably a good thing for me. So, I see no reason why I shouldn't just go on blast and lose it!

When I was younger, I behaved as if I hated myself. I attracted situations and things that hurt me, and basically, I would like to steer away from such today. I do steer clear of abusive people, abusive substances or abusive environment most times, but sometimes I fail. I really have developed an appreciation for myself. I don't like putting myself through bad experiences anymore. All I really desire is to be filled with love, joy and gladness. Therefore, knowing my actions were once countering my desires before made me very self aware now, so that when I do such again, I can quickly and swiftly change my trajectory and go back to LOVE.

Astrology speaks the truth!
For the last few months, I have been attracting a bunch of people that made my life something I didn't want it to be. Attracting and befriending a pair of working girls (prostitutes) who came with the guise of goodness then who later turned out to be awfully selfish and inconsiderate. Then, I developed feelings for a man who was also awfully rude, ill-mannered and unapologetically disrespectful. Then I am dealing with another who is disrespecting me by trying to make me his other woman. All these things piss me off. Then, because of the two ladies of the night, I got painted with the same brush as they and got myself misrepresented. And, as for the guy, I also got misrepresented there being sworn at in public amongst other things. Okay, people are rude. It is not about me, right? I don't know! Maybe I have something about me which says, "treat me like shit and take advantage of my friendliness because I am an idiot".

What makes me unhappy is that, if I could, I would like to have these people in my life because they seem like fun, save for the fact that they mistreated me. In all cases, I have given these people a chance to make amends for the wrongs that I feel were bestowed upon me. In each case, the people involved didn't want to make amends and acknowledge how they affected me. I never give up on people on first attempt, so trust me when I say, that I have tried to see them differently. They refused to be seen as anything but selfish, hateful and disrespectful people, and so, it is clear that we are on different sides of the fence.

The issue is not them only, though. The bigger issue is that, if given a chance, and these people humble themselves and admit or acknowledge how they have affected me, I would welcome them back in my life with open arms. This is a problem because it means that I am the type of woman, it seems, who can take a lot of beatings. I allow abuse on myself it seems.

I am also caught in a cross roads because, since these people have shown such blatant disregard for me, I suppose that I can do the same, right? I can just hurt them as much as they have hurt me, and teach them that being vulnerable around certain people can reap very unpleasant circumstances, as they have showed me, right? I can betray their trust too, right? I know I am being manipulative now, that I am threatening these people to make amends with me or else I will hurt them. I am basically forcing them to make things right now because they can't or won't do it on their own. I am now exerting my will on them, in a way. Yes, this is how low I have stooped! Those girls have children and I could hurt them as much as they hurt me by just simply showing the world who they are without their pseudonyms to their families and friends. Or I could just tell the world exactly how much this man treated me by speaking about it to everyone who is willing to listen. I am totally capable of it all. The only thing stopping me is that I desire amends more than war.

That's hurt. It makes people very manipulative, vengeful and cruel. It is not a good color on me but what gives people the right to just treat me badly and not make it right? Why must I be the one who is the bigger person? Why must I keep their dignity in tact to the world when they didn't to my dignity? It is not fair. And, I tried my best to make peace in order to tame my rage. It didn't work. So, now I have decided to go internally. I have decided to just stop dating completely. I have stopped the whole sex game too and I am being celibate. I have decided to not make new friends too. I am going internal to get my inner ninja ready or calm. It is clear though that I need silence. I need to think. I need to be able to be accountable for whatever I do next.

People don't understand how rare it is to be allowed in my private place. Then they abuse it. Then I get mad. Then I give them a chance to make things right. Then they refuse it. Then I am left asking myself what I should do. An eye for an eye? Turn the other cheek? I have learnt to let go of an issue without having the person who "caused" it, fix it. It would seem as if I am as vengeful as some claim.

When I am about to explode, or when I am about to make people feel my wrath, I usually take a time out and retreat. I don't want to do something I will regret. But, after my retreat, I hope I don't feel like settling the score because I feel very wronged, and ignored still. And one thing about me is that, I WILL BE HEARD! Words are my domain. I am tired of being in this position, asking myself why I put myself in such a position as to feel this way. I am also tired of people taking advantage of the fact that "She wouldn't do that?" even though they did it to me. I am quite pissed still, even more now since I even humbled myself to make sure that I don't hurt them, and still, NO REMORSE! Okay... They think I am trying to make peace to benefit me. How wrong they are. Sure, making peace means I stop being angry, but they probably have more to gain with having a happy me than I.
Well...

And, yes, when I offer an olive branch and it is not taken. That's a declaration of war in my books, so without going into a war that I might lose, I shall retreat and think things through. These people don't deserve to have their dignity in tact when they tore mine apart. I don't let people get away with walking all over me and treating me badly, and it is not personal. Unless the person is remorseful, I will wash my hands of anything that I shall do next. The fact that I am warning them in this blog means I still care. If I was evil, I would surprise them with an assault, but I really don't want to go there.

I am tired of people treating me unfairly, badly, disrespectfully and thinking it is okay. It is NOT! Absolve yourself now or await for whatever carnage I shall unleash on you ALL! Maybe I needed this to snap so that I can just make everyone pay for disrespecting me. And when I feel like doing something, I do it, so imagine how hard it is for me to hold myself back. For what? Why am I holding myself back? These people don't give a shit about me. So, why should I? In essence, if anything is coming, they deserve it all.

Your pride will be your downfall, you people. Just humble yourself and all this goes away. 

V