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Monday, September 7, 2015

Why "Catfish: The TV Show" is Important.

Hey,

I'm watching Catfish from the Swiss MTV channel and I am not only amazed by the amount of people who create virtual realities for themselves in order to deceive people but I am also entertained! What fascinates me the most is that as much as these Catfishes are twisted liars, I actually not only understand them, I also relate in some degree. More than that, I envy these Catfishes, because I often get days when I just want my life to be something else other than what it is.

What I do find incredible about this show is how intrinsically educational it is in a non-pretentious way. Not only is the show educational for creating awareness about the importance of internet safety, but the show exhibits very complex layers that teach us about the intricacies of human nature, especially the nature of people who are afraid, whether it be fear of rejection, fear of judgment or fear of the truth.

What is  a Catfish?

"A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not, using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!orI was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish." - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=catfish

Lies offer temporary freedom from having to deal with the unshakable, inevitable truth of who we are and what we feel about who we are. Lies, although not the best tool for dealing with life's challenges, can be used as brief relief from a painful reality, as a conduit to escape the harshness of our lives, to escape judgment, rejection and to help us assimilate in spaces that we have always desired to occupy but couldn't.

As much as I understand and even envy people who choose to be Catfishes, I detest people who lie. Not all lies get me into a fit of rage, though. The most disgusting lies, lies that make me loose respect for humans, are lies pertaining to feelings, which happens to not be the lies that occur much on Catfish: The TV Show. Catfishes are usually very honest in their communications about how the feel for the people they speak to, and maybe that is why I don't judge them as harshly. 
Season 1 episode that made me cry

The second most detestable lies are lies pertaining to thoughts. People who do not share their thoughts freely make me uncomfortable. I am not saying that people should speak their thoughts without filters. I am saying that when you do share your opinion, or when you disapprove of something, you should not behave as if you think the opposite, or as if you agree with it in order to appear more likeable. These are the people who watch abuse and not get involved even if their hearts tell them to intervene. These are people who do not say what they are thinking to run away from the responsibility of doing the helpful (right) thing.

The liar I dislike the least is, although I hate them all, are those who lie about their bodies, their bank balances, their education background, or even those who lie about knowing people they have never met. Basically, this last category of liar is harmless as long as they keep their feelings and thoughts honest. This is why I can not fully be angry with these people. They seem to be temporarily confidence deficient, and usually, with a good intervention, they start getting their acts together.

Unfortunately, there are Catfishes out there who are liars in all these above categories, and those are monsters, as far as I am concerned, because they get so far from themselves that they lose compassion and their humanity. These are the types that kill people, psychopaths... Humans that feel no remorse for any hurtful act they do.

Most of the people on Catfish: The TV Show, are just... They are just trying to find a connection with people, to feel as if they belong to someone, and before they know it, they find themselves losing control of the situation and being unable to stop due to the incredible momentum their fake pictures have created. Worst of all, the Catfishes get addicted to the energy of the attention they get and literally can not quit anymore without feeling a deep sense of emptiness and loss.

Being a person who has had a very tough life, I understand the need to escape very well. Unfortunately, I have never found pretending to be someone else as a viable solution to solving my problems because I do not like drama. I understand these Catfishes and often want to comfort them, wishing of assisting them because often, they themselves don't even know how to articulate why they do what they do, and I watch helplessly because I know that I can give these souls break-throughs that could assist them in regaining control over their lives. I really do wish that I could assist these lost Catfishes because I understand them more than they seem to understand themselves, and due to this, watching Catfish: The TV Show becomes such an emotional experience for me.

I care about people, and feel the most worth when I can unleash the power that is dormant within a human. I really do find joy out of people finding their joy. I find power in making others powerful. This is basically because I get love from loving others.
The hosts of Catfish: The Tv Show, looking very GQ.

What I also find charming about this show are the hosts of Catfish, Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. Firstly, I have to commend Nev for being a very vulnerable human, which immediately makes others vulnerable around him. He has a great gift of opening people up because he is open. Max, though, is my favourite, simply because he is more like me. Max is less adorable than the dreamer Nev but Max is realistic, under control and compassionate.

The truth is, (and many might not want to listen) it doesn't matter who made the mistake at the end of the day, the damage has been done. The victim and the perpetrator has to accept and move on from "the" situation, yes, both need to heal. The best way to heal is to forgive those who have hurt you, or to forgive yourself, or both. How you forgive those who hurt you is by getting closure, preferably with the person who hurt you at hand for when you have questions that haunt you, such as, "Why me?"

Catfish: The TV Show allows for victims to move on, and gives the perpetrators the priceless opportunity to overcome their demons by seeing the results of their handy-work. As they say, hurt people hurt people.
Me Catfishing you because I have gained 10 kgs since this pic was taken

We all have situations where we have been hurt, or hurt others. The only thing that helps a hurt heart is the truth. Catfish gives people the opportunity to choose differently in order to change their lives. This is why I love this show. It is doing the good fight, healing people, without being spiritually self-righteous.

I was tempted to go deeper into the minds of Catfishes but this blog was to highlight the show more than my views on the human mind, so I hope watching the show also gets you contemplative and compassionate for people. Humans are lonely and afraid, and their struggle is so real that they choose to abandon logic, just to feel loved. They choose to abandon themselves, just to feel loved.

XO


Saturday, September 5, 2015

Feeling Strange.

What am I feeling?

I am having strange emotions.

As usual, whenever I do not sleep before 3 am, my emotions become intensified, and I either get greatly inspired to make wonderful art, or like now, I get bombarded by a cacophony of echoes from an abyss filled with humanoid shadows that whirl around each other in my head, like an agitated body of water.

Some of these shadows look familiar. They belong to people I once knew, some belong to people I know now, and others belong to me, as different parts of myself. My Self is seeping into other people, and their forms are seeping into mine. As interesting as that may sound, the reality is that this vantage point, which allows me to see me entangled intimately with multitudes of souls, is quite disorienting. One could say that it is torturous.

I feel no sense of time, or right and wrong as I type this. What is right has lost its meaning and all I feel is what I desire. I feel disconnected to the duality of life at this moment, but because I think I live in a dual world, I feel obligated to act in a dual nature, but not from what I am feeling right now, but merely from distant memories of the duality I once lived.

Upon closer inspection, I feel as if my world and reality has changed, but I refuse to see it, or fear to see it. I feel like my fears are misplaced. My fear of hurt and disappointment, of rejection and pain feel inauthentic, therefore, I am not in line with my reality. For this reason, I am experiencing a spiritual whiplash, and I guess that, what I am feeling is just me, trying to get myself realigned again.

I don't know. I really don't know.

Actually, I am not sure what the hell I have just typed, but I will post it, because I don't care whether it makes me seem crazy, pretentious, or foolish. I was merely trying to write to express my state of mind, rather than sit with a tumultuous mind, not deal with it, only to have it exacerbated to worser levels.

Now, I shall attempt to sleep. I have a pavlova to make in a few hours, and I have my future brothers-in-law with whom to hang, and probably play Mario Kart. What I do find interesting is that, as I was typing these words, it fells like someone else was typing them.

Fare Thee Well, My Friends.

Monday, August 31, 2015

I Make Myself Sick!

Hey There,

It's Sunday... No, it is Monday morning. I have a migraine and I am not sure what to do with myself, but I am pretty sure that staring at a computer screen is not the solution, but here I am, online, combing through Facebook and regretting the time I am spending going through people's pictures. You will find yourself on 2012 pictures on a person you aren't really that fascinated with, someone with whom you aren't even friends, and like a terrible car crash from which you can not peel your gaze, you just keep on looking, and looking, and clicking and clicking. It's a strange compulsion, this thing, of looking at pictures of strangers. I am not sure what fix it gives, but hours can be spend on just clicking from one picture to another. Then, when you reevaluate what you have accomplished during such time, you come to the pathetic realisation that you have not benefited at all from this incredibly time consuming exercise. Ugh!

I am sitting here, looking at myself with that, "what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you" look because a migraine does not give me carte blanche to waste my life when I actually have plenty to do with my time. I need to be up and running by 07:30 today, and this needs for my hair to look decent, but am I fixing my hair? No. I am looking at strange people's pics on Facebook instead, and doing some weird CSI work as I put two and two together about the people I do know on Facebook. You see, this is how it happens...

You're innocently accepting a friend request, when suddenly, something catches your eye on your Facebook page. You see someone you know and click on their picture. From there, it all goes downhill as you see people who are tagged in the picture, and through general nosiness, you click on the tagged people. Then, the rabbit hole goes on and on until you figure out stories about people that aren't yours to know but quite freely available to know about. Sadly, just because things are freely available doesn't mean that they should be consumed.

Two hours later, I know people's cousins, lovers, ex-lovers, and babies who I have never met, who form a pretty interesting puzzle which I happened to put together unintentionally. Then, I sit back, nod, and blink, knowing useless crap about people I do not know. Two hours down the drain, I'm up at 1 AM in the morning having benefited nothing from this energy expenditure because deducing things from random pictures does take some mental effort.

Ugh! I have a Terry Goodkind book waiting for me to read, songs to finish, things to write, an 8 AM appointment, the post to fetch, hair to do, shopping and cleaning to do, but there I was, a little while ago, wasting my time on Facebook. I make myself sick. At least Twitter is funny and educational. Facebook is just... Ugh.

Good night.


Saturday, August 15, 2015

Doing Whatever The Fuck I Desire!

Dearest Reader,

It's been a long time since I bothered to write, and it was mainly because I was still trying to figure things out. That's until I got comfortable with not having things figured out, then I calmed down and became myself again. I don't know why I bother trying to define things when words are now no longer sufficient, when DOING and BEING is more important.

I've been catching up on years of reading by finishing The Belgariad, a David Eddings series of five books, that I started upon two months ago. I have also been writing music through Logic Pro X, which is new for me since I traditionally write music with my guitar, the old fashioned way. I'm on the sixth track with the goal of writing at least ten songs. This has been loads of fun and frustrating as I fumbled through the application, and swearing at the computer when songs disappeared. It was my fault, of course, for not saving immediately after opening a project, but this has been a lesson learnt.

I'm getting married in October, so I am quite excited about the bling that is going to manifest in my life in a few weeks, a wedding band with diamonds! Did I mention that diamonds are my favourite things? No? Well, they are. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I look forward to the symbolic union of two people. Yes, I am looking forward to that too. *ahem*

I have also embarked on a new journey of trading. Yes, trading in the stock market. It's too early to tell how well that is going to go, but I have a good feeling. I hope this does not get interrupted by getting a job, which seems frighteningly probable right now. A sales job in Zürich would be a great distraction because I love making money, and when I work with commission being dangled in front of me, I get into a selling frenzy and surpass sales targets just so that I can count the zeros. This is just how I have always been. But, if I get the job, I will gladly take it and make money because I didn't specify to the universe how I desire abundance. I just told the universe to make it happen.

I have also been obsessing about Rob Dougan, about his music, that is. I would obsess about him, but he is a ghost, and there is virtually nothing about him on the Internet. His music is my inspiration lately, and it is mainly why I stopped looking down upon making music digitally because he does it, and it sounds great and natural. Basically, the goal is to make music like him one day. Common to my modus operandi, I ended up chatting to him and he seems like a very sweet man. I respect him very much. Why this is my M.O. is because if I desire to speak to a person, I end up speaking to them. I don't force issues, but, it seems that I attract people who end up drawn to me sufficiently enough to at least talk to me briefly. Now, I must desire to speak to Jesus, so that he can come back to fix his people.

Oh, and one strange phenomenon that I have been experiencing is broodiness. I have been finding things incredibly cute, especially the young of humans. I have found a way to appease this urge by watching cat videos on the internet, so hopefully, I will not be procreating anytime soon, although it would be a great service to bear mankind another with similar genome as I.

Other than that, I have been 90% joyful, with PMS stealing my joy on other days. Of course, I have been philosophical, as usual, thinking about the state of humanity now, and in the future, but trying my damnedest not to think too much about it because my mind is strong, and I manifest things that go through it very well, and with the propensity of my mind being dark, I can't impose such onto the world. So, I have to think in a gregariously childlike way, in order to save the world from being flattened by a meteor.

The bottomline is that, I have been doing anything that my heart desires and let me tell you, all the baptisms of fire from yesterday were poetically worth the pleasure of today. I am not stressed, I am healing, I am hopeful, and I am happy, even though a bit chubby. Look, this coming from me, is incredible, and I am very grateful even though I rebuke the fat that lingers on my body, and pray each day that angels may melt it, since I seem unable to do anything about it. In fact, I philosophise by saying that, if I were to have a bomb body on top of everything else that is bomb in my life, I would cease being able to relate to humans as my life would be too perfect. So, my fat, serves Earth. LOL!

I have also been watching more films than usual, and I am not sure whether it is me, or what, but films these days are tremendously mediocre. I have not watched one film this year that I can say blew my mind away the way "The Matrix" once did years ago. I suspect that I am jaded, because movie storylines today are so predictable that the only thing that I can appreciate is a directors skills, and sometimes, the thespian's acting.

My birthday is also coming up soon, in early September, which I would like to spend hiking, because on my birthdays, as the years have progressed, I have had the intense desire to spend them in nature, preferably in very high altitudes with someone I love. Then, what I do when I reach the top is assume the lotus position and meditate. Yes, I am still a hippy, but now I am crazier, because now I have run out of fucks to disperse amongst the human race, resulting in "Doing Whatever The Fuck I Want!"

Yeah...

Fare Thee Well, You Infuriating Humans!
I Still Hate You, even though I would do anything for your well being.

XO

Here's a song I wrote a few days ago. It is not polished but I've already arranged for a friend of mine to add his producer magic on it before I lace the vocals, also in case I let someone else do the vocals.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Reassess, Realign, Remember.

Dearest Reader (if there are any of you left)

My body is aching from the ambitious Sport's Thai massage I had earlier today. The pain is a low humming that can be easily unfelt but not easy to ignore, so I have taken some painkillers to ease the discomfort. So, I am sitting in bed, contemplating the bitter-sweetness of my bravery, of having the excruciating massage, but also of how I have unapolegetically lived my life thus far. The voices of ghosts of laughs and cries past are comforting and bruising me simultaniously. One thing is for sure, I have been expanding my energy and thoughts on things that do not matter to me for the last year or two, and today I finally said, "Enough is enough!" and that's when I deactivated my Twitter account to just get some peace in order to regroup, gather my strength, and get ready for the next stint of my life. For the last two years, I was living in the end of an old era, and sleeping upon the beginning of a new one. Now, it is time to wake up, and start living life the way I remember, on my own terms.

For what I do not know, I have to trust what my instincts tell me, and commit to it, with faith and hope. This is what I am doing right now. For a while, I felt that I did not belong to certain spaces, and although I had fun, I always walked away drained, which told me that I could not be there anymore. When things or people drain us, it is important for us to retreat from such influences, because what drains you, if you are not careful, may kill you, or worse, might make you lose yourself. It is clear that I can not multitask when it comes to expanding my energy. I have to concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, I need to spend my energy making foundations for my new life. Things that once fed me now kill me, so to speak, therefore I have to adapt accordingly. Writing, and making music have always fed my soul, therefore, I need to go back to those basics, and learn to walk once again. 

In my old life, I lacked resources for making my dreams come true. In this new life, I have the resources, but I seem to lack discipline to get anything done because I get immersed into virtual realities online and although I never did get worked up and frazzled by much online, the fact that the internet became such intoxicating entertainment, where I was always watching drama as if stuck onto a tv screen, wasted my time. Life is infinite, but my recollection of life is finite, therefore, intrinsically, I have to treat it as if I am running out of time, even though I am not.

At age 45, for example, I want to be concentrating on my future kids, if I ever have kids, not trying to make sense of who I am and why I am here, therefore, I need to find myself with urgency. I was watching a movie, and there was a line which struck a chord. It said, "There are two great moments in our lives, when we are born and when we find out why we are born." and unfortunately, I have not yet found my purpose, although I have an idea what it is. Although knowing one's purpose is great, it is executing one's purpose that matters most, that gives us peace and satisfaction. I have not yet found that satisfaction, and due to this, I have to align myself with my desire, otherwise I will never get it. That is why I am removing all distrations from my life that aren't part of my priorities.

Most importantly, I have to relearn how to hold a thought for more than 140 characters in writing. It's not really about self-discovery as much as it is about remebrance of true self. For my sanity and self-improvement, I really hope I never return to twitter under the circumstances I was in. I can never invest my energy this way. It seems foolish now, but it was once useful and quite enjoyable. If I ever return, someone will be tweeting for me. I invest more emotions on people than they invest in me. Although this is natural for me, there comes a point when I feel like I am left empty with no one to replenish me. I believe in mutual exchanges and Twitter was not a mutually driven arena.

I will always be here though. Having a blog, since 2007, was the best thing I ever did for myself. Itßs not surprising that I have not written anything of substance in ere for a while. That is about to change.

So, see you later.

Cheers!
Inana 

Friday, April 24, 2015

Depression from Being Milky and Fatty

Dearest Reader,

As a person who has always been grateful for not watching my waist, although I was never thin, I was never overweight either. Then, this year happened and I am not only uncomfortably overweight but I am also lactating, and my breasts have grown to an E Cup.

Last week, after many months of being chronically fatigued, having migraines and nausea all the time, I protested to the doctors until they heard me, and I did blood tests, an MRI, some scan that requires one to attach nodes on the sculp, and some psychological tests too , and the results came back. I have an under active thyroid, called hypothyroidism. But, like an infomercial, that's not all. I also found that I have high levels of prolactin, this being the cause of my breasts producing milk right now even though I am not pregnant. Lastly, my iron storage cells are at a severely low level, meaning that I am anemic. All of this on top of my previously discussed gynealocology problems.

I have had it.

Now, we know what this is doing to my body, but what is it doing to my thoughts? Well... My self-esteem has been knocked very hard. I don't feel beautiful even though my fiancé obviously finds me gorgeous. I don't know what he is seeing that I am not seeing, but I am grateful to be loved for who I am and not what I am, because not only does it prove that I am soon to be married to the best person I could ever marry, but he takes off such a huge load off my shoulders.

My partner still finds me attractive even after I am no longer like the woman he fell initially fell in love with.

Still, if I don't feel good about myself, no amount of words from him could ever make me feel differently from how I currently feel. I am experiencing a body image shock because I have gained nearly 20kgs in under 6 months. Unfortunately, I have also adopted unhealthy habits since the drastic weight gain begun, which is affecting my moods and my energy levels. That is, I do not eat all day, and I only eat one meal only because I can not sleep on an empty stomach. This has resulted in even more energy loss, more bad moods, and huge loss of concentration. I know I am smarter than this, but I don't want to help my thyroid destroy my body as I know it.

After the tests, I was given medication to fix the thyroid and the prolactin levels and I have been on the treatment for 4 days now. Although the medication will likely help me, my reality is that my body is foreign to me, and I feel so depressed when I discover that yet another item of clothing does not fit,

Yes, I am depressed due to all of this. I try to keep a positive spirit for as much as I can but it is not easy. The truth is that I hate that I have lost control of my body. All I do is starve and drink coffee all day, taking in less than 1400 calories. I dread the day when I will go buy new and bigger bras. Due to all of these influences in my life, I don't feel sexy. Maybe I will get used to it after Improcess and accept that my hormones are off wack. I just hope that it all gets fixed or else... Or else what? Or else nothing, really.

There are only two options in life: accept or change. Will this new treatment help me to change or will I need to accept my new body?

Truth be told, I suffer with so many of these non-fatal ailments. It pisses me off. I figure that the universe is trying to make me understand even more that I am not my body. I did not realize how vain I was until now. My body is a huge part of me though, the third component to the Holy Triad, therefore, it matters. If only I felt good, I would accept my new body easier, but I am not feeling great. I feel claustrophobic and heavy, I feel like I am being constricted from being light and fluid. I feel stiff, clumsier and just out of control. It pains me to feel this way, but I will be fine.

Yesterday, I thought of just telling people that I am pregnant because this way, people wouldn't judge me on my new weight. Body shaming is real, and I am shaming myself over something I can not control.

Let me have a little cry now and sleep.

Inana. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Switzerland.

Brrrrr...
Dearest Reader,

I am freezing my ass off as I write this, partly because I am not wearing socks and I am not wearing a warm top, other than a tiny blanket covering me. I am not used to wearing too many items of clothing at once, being an African, so Europe is not treating me as well as it should. Trust me, Europe is only pretty in pictures or in small doses. Living here is something else.


Yes, I have moved to Switzerland, and I am engaged. Yes, a lot has changed. I remember typing my blog, thinking bleakly about just about everything, from being sleep deprived, sex deprived, and such. Those days I was searching for life to be how I wish it to be, taking actions to make things happen so that I may be happy. Now, I am relatively happy but I lack sunshine and ocean. Oh well, we win some, we lose some.

Walking to the psychologist.
My artistic and music career is non-existent here in Switzerland. I don't know where these people who I see carrying guitar cases play because I have not come across any live music scene here. I have not even come across any theater or acting scene either. I have no agent here, so as you know, no agent, no work. So, I am a glorified stay-at-home person, who goes to gym three times a week, goes to German classes four times a week,  sees a psychologist once a week and goes to the grocery store twice a week.

I walk everywhere, which is fun. In South Africa, one has to drive everywhere because everything is so spread out, but here, I walk to all my commitments, except when we visit my future in-laws, in which case we take a bus or we drive there because it is close but not close enough for walking. Well, not close enough for me to walk there.

They have Spar here but it's not the same.
In all honesty, life is boring here compared to the fast paced life of Johannesburg, even though I was never in the Johannesburg fast lane. Another aspect that takes some getting used to is having no friends that I can just go and visit. Thank god for modern technology because we message each other, but it is not the same as sitting with a friend and exchanging energy in close proximity. It is just not the same.

The idea of having my family thousands of miles away is also a bit unnerving. Although I had not lived at home for years, while I was in South Africa they were an hour away. Now... well, they almost feel dead to me, except I still get messages from them from the grave, which is depressing. It's like my family is gone. I don't know how to explain this, but yeah, I feel a bit disconnected from them, which is something I had never felt before.

The window to my favorite coffee shop.
The highlight though, of being here, is the pleasure, honor and joy of being with my fiance, everyday, because his presence is so comforting and calming. Not only is he funny and intelligent, he is sexy as well. He is my best friend, to be honest, and I am just so much better as a person because he is in my life. Life is therefore good in that regard.

I guess, these changes take some getting used to, also, this is a change that generations before us went through, therefore part of the human condition, to leave the nest to create one's own. This is a good thing. Change is always good, but it is never easy. Change might be exciting, necessary and enriching but it is never easy. As one who thrives in such circumstances, I am confident that I will settle in nicely here and let Switzerland be my home soon, but for now, I feel like a stranger in a new place, which is exactly what I am. So, this is all natural.

Oh, there is so much more going on for me right now, but I will save it for another day. What is important today is that I am grateful for how life has turned out even though I have sacrificed a lot. I have weighed my options regarding what I want and what I need, and I think that regarding the latter, I have done exceptionally well. I need love, peace and power. I need to live a life that makes me grateful to be alive, not scared to die (or hoping to die). Slowly, but surely, I see my life being drained of fear, and love replacing it, and it is wonderful.

The town's church. I doubt people go, though.
As for friends... Look, South Africans are the best friends I can ever have. South Africans and maybe people from the Dominican Republic, or Brazil, you know, people with spice and that confidence that I have not quite seen here. In the Swiss people's defense, I have not met that many people in the last four weeks here so I am probably wrong about them. Maybe the Swiss are hiding that girlfriend that I could have stomach-hurting laughs with. To be honest though, the Swiss seem to be depressed. I am somber lately, but I seem like a friggen carnival with disco lights compared to them. Again, I might be judging them too harshly, but... Tjerrr...

Anyway, let me get something warm to wear, and do my German homework. Ugh. I'm so over German classes. Like, damn... They are such a buzz kill. It would be great if there was some type of energy in the classes but the classes are always dead!

Let me stop complaining. I am very happy and grateful to be here, with someone I love, and I am honored to have the chance to start afresh somewhere else. I just wish that there were more South Africans around!

Monday, February 9, 2015

A Slump.

Dearest Reader,

I am now engaged, soon to be married and I no longer live in South Africa. I am now living in Switzerland with my fiancé. On paper, life is good, better than it's ever been. The question that gnaws at me constantly though, is why I feel like I am dying inside?

I have not picked up my guitar in almost 5 months. In these 5 months, I have kicked my addiction to benzos, but at the same time, I have been sleeping at night like normal people. Could this novel sense of normalcy be killing my soul? Is my brain adjusting to having no narcotics, thus taking the spark out of my life? Being up in the early morning today, like old times, has made me feel alive again. I have not been up at this time by choice, for a very long time. I had missed this. I wonder if I have lost this. If it wasn't for the Grammy's, I'd be sleeping...

So, so, much has changed. I have gained weight, which is the side effect, although temporary, of quitting drugs because I am eating more, with a slightly slower metabolism then before. I can't say that I hate my life, not yet, anyway, but I am unlike myself as I know myself to be. I have not suffered any panic attacks which was the reason I went on drugs to begin with. This is a huge victory for my mental health, but the sun is not shining yet currently, literally and figuratively because Switzerland has miserable weather conditions during this time of year. I am not exactly depressed either, but I find myself uninspired. So, how am I going to fix myself?

As I watched the celebrities fill the red carpet at the Grammy's earlier, it came to a point where I had to admit to myself that my big dreams of making music, for me and for others, could just be a pipe dream. It came to pass that the reality of the situation right now is that I am living in a foreign country where I have no grasp of the local language to even hustle to be in the entertainment industry because I can not communicate with anyone effectively except with my fiancé and his family. I know no one here who could collaborate with me to do what I believe I was designed to do, which is make music. I am forlorn.

Therefore, as I sit here, I find myself useless, purposeless and lost. I have no identity, it feels, and the only thing I can be sure about is that at some point of the day, I have to eat, shit and sleep. That's my life right now and it is quite frightening. The reality is that there is a higher probability of me being a housewife than the probability of being a musician. The way this looks, it means I am going to kill myself because being a housewife can not fill my soul. Being a housewife would be fine if being a musician was not part of my physical and moral fibre, but music is all I know and all I ever want to know.

Yes, although I have been found by the most beautiful of loves of my life, I am now lost from the greatest love of all, myself. The fact that I can not remedy the situation currently, is slowly eating me inside. This has rendered me into a zombie of sorts. I think I have shut myself off from feeling the pain and fear of this new reality that I have stopped feeling anything at all. I have never felt so bland in my life. Even the thought of myself renders me into a coma, from pure boredom from the thoughts that run through my head these days.

I have not laughed from the belly since going to rehab. I have not played the guitar since before going to rehab. I have not had the curiosity or ambition that made me who I am, or that made me who I think I am, or who I choose to be. Needless to say, this is a highly confusing time for me, but due to some calmness I feel deeply within, I am not panicked by any of this. I am just observing it with detachment, hoping it goes away.

But, will it go away? Will I ever go back to my "normal" self?

Apparently, this is normal amongst people who quit drugs. They feel lost and unable to maneuver themselves once sober, and this period of being lost is one of the reasons that many relapse because it is by far the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever felt, apart from physical pain caused by drug withdrawal.

Anyway, I digress. The point was that, Imhave lost the core of who I am. I am trying to find it. Strangely, I only feel like myself when I listen to my song "Always", but when the song ends, I revert back to this grey area of existence that I have been treading these last few months.

What is going to happen to me? Has my destiny changed? Was music a pipe dream and not a reality? Am I gonna feel like a zombie for the rest of my life?