Showing posts from 2015

Why "Catfish: The TV Show" is Important.


I'm watching Catfish from the Swiss MTV channel and I am not only amazed by the amount of people who create virtual realities for themselves in order to deceive people but I am also entertained! What fascinates me the most is that as much as these Catfishes are twisted liars, I actually not only understand them, I also relate in some degree. More than that, I envy these Catfishes, because I often get days when I just want my life to be something else other than what it is.

What I do find incredible about this show is how intrinsically educational it is in a non-pretentious way. Not only is the show educational for creating awareness about the importance of internet safety, but the show exhibits very complex layers that teach us about the intricacies of human nature, especially the nature of people who are afraid, whether it be fear of rejection, fear of judgment or fear of the truth.

What is  a Catfish?

"A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not, usi…

Feeling Strange.

What am I feeling?

I am having strange emotions.

As usual, whenever I do not sleep before 3 am, my emotions become intensified, and I either get greatly inspired to make wonderful art, or like now, I get bombarded by a cacophony of echoes from an abyss filled with humanoid shadows that whirl around each other in my head, like an agitated body of water.

Some of these shadows look familiar. They belong to people I once knew, some belong to people I know now, and others belong to me, as different parts of myself. My Self is seeping into other people, and their forms are seeping into mine. As interesting as that may sound, the reality is that this vantage point, which allows me to see me entangled intimately with multitudes of souls, is quite disorienting. One could say that it is torturous.

I feel no sense of time, or right and wrong as I type this. What is right has lost its meaning and all I feel is what I desire. I feel disconnected to the duality of life at this moment, but because …

I Make Myself Sick!

Hey There,

It's Sunday... No, it is Monday morning. I have a migraine and I am not sure what to do with myself, but I am pretty sure that staring at a computer screen is not the solution, but here I am, online, combing through Facebook and regretting the time I am spending going through people's pictures. You will find yourself on 2012 pictures on a person you aren't really that fascinated with, someone with whom you aren't even friends, and like a terrible car crash from which you can not peel your gaze, you just keep on looking, and looking, and clicking and clicking. It's a strange compulsion, this thing, of looking at pictures of strangers. I am not sure what fix it gives, but hours can be spend on just clicking from one picture to another. Then, when you reevaluate what you have accomplished during such time, you come to the pathetic realisation that you have not benefited at all from this incredibly time consuming exercise. Ugh!

I am sitting here, looking at…

Doing Whatever The Fuck I Desire!

Dearest Reader,

It's been a long time since I bothered to write, and it was mainly because I was still trying to figure things out. That's until I got comfortable with not having things figured out, then I calmed down and became myself again. I don't know why I bother trying to define things when words are now no longer sufficient, when DOING and BEING is more important.

I've been catching up on years of reading by finishing The Belgariad, a David Eddings series of five books, that I started upon two months ago. I have also been writing music through Logic Pro X, which is new for me since I traditionally write music with my guitar, the old fashioned way. I'm on the sixth track with the goal of writing at least ten songs. This has been loads of fun and frustrating as I fumbled through the application, and swearing at the computer when songs disappeared. It was my fault, of course, for not saving immediately after opening a project, but this has been a lesson learnt…

Reassess, Realign, Remember.

Dearest Reader (if there are any of you left)

My body is aching from the ambitious Sport's Thai massage I had earlier today. The pain is a low humming that can be easily unfelt but not easy to ignore, so I have taken some painkillers to ease the discomfort. So, I am sitting in bed, contemplating the bitter-sweetness of my bravery, of having the excruciating massage, but also of how I have unapolegetically lived my life thus far. The voices of ghosts of laughs and cries past are comforting and bruising me simultaniously. One thing is for sure, I have been expanding my energy and thoughts on things that do not matter to me for the last year or two, and today I finally said, "Enough is enough!" and that's when I deactivated my Twitter account to just get some peace in order to regroup, gather my strength, and get ready for the next stint of my life. For the last two years, I was living in the end of an old era, and sleeping upon the beginning of a new one. Now, it is t…

Depression from Being Milky and Fatty

Dearest Reader,

As a person who has always been grateful for not watching my waist, although I was never thin, I was never overweight either. Then, this year happened and I am not only uncomfortably overweight but I am also lactating, and my breasts have grown to an E Cup.

Last week, after many months of being chronically fatigued, having migraines and nausea all the time, I protested to the doctors until they heard me, and I did blood tests, an MRI, some scan that requires one to attach nodes on the sculp, and some psychological tests too , and the results came back. I have an under active thyroid, called hypothyroidism. But, like an infomercial, that's not all. I also found that I have high levels of prolactin, this being the cause of my breasts producing milk right now even though I am not pregnant. Lastly, my iron storage cells are at a severely low level, meaning that I am anemic. All of this on top of my previously discussed gynealocology problems.

I have had it.

Now, we k…


Dearest Reader,

I am freezing my ass off as I write this, partly because I am not wearing socks and I am not wearing a warm top, other than a tiny blanket covering me. I am not used to wearing too many items of clothing at once, being an African, so Europe is not treating me as well as it should. Trust me, Europe is only pretty in pictures or in small doses. Living here is something else.

Yes, I have moved to Switzerland, and I am engaged. Yes, a lot has changed. I remember typing my blog, thinking bleakly about just about everything, from being sleep deprived, sex deprived, and such. Those days I was searching for life to be how I wish it to be, taking actions to make things happen so that I may be happy. Now, I am relatively happy but I lack sunshine and ocean. Oh well, we win some, we lose some.

My artistic and music career is non-existent here in Switzerland. I don't know where these people who I see carrying guitar cases play because I have not come across any live music sce…

A Slump.

Dearest Reader,

I am now engaged, soon to be married and I no longer live in South Africa. I am now living in Switzerland with my fiancé. On paper, life is good, better than it's ever been. The question that gnaws at me constantly though, is why I feel like I am dying inside?

I have not picked up my guitar in almost 5 months. In these 5 months, I have kicked my addiction to benzos, but at the same time, I have been sleeping at night like normal people. Could this novel sense of normalcy be killing my soul? Is my brain adjusting to having no narcotics, thus taking the spark out of my life? Being up in the early morning today, like old times, has made me feel alive again. I have not been up at this time by choice, for a very long time. I had missed this. I wonder if I have lost this. If it wasn't for the Grammy's, I'd be sleeping...

So, so, much has changed. I have gained weight, which is the side effect, although temporary, of quitting drugs because I am eating more, w…