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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I Am a Recovering Addict.

Dearest Reader,

As soon as I hit the South African airport "O. R. Tambo" from Zurich, I called a cab immediately and headed to a rehab centre which I choose not to name. My bags were already packed so it was an easy move there, logistically, but I didn't expect what I found when I got there. Yeah, I am clean from my drugs of choice, but Fucking Hell, I am still experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the drugs and my brain is finding it hard to function as I am restless and overwhelmed by everything. The worst is over, though, so I am grateful.

I warned you guys that I would get hooked on the prescription drugs that I was taking and it didn't take long. My drugs of choice were Optiates and Benzodiazepines, and although it sounds less glamourous than cocaine, or heroin, prescription drugs are VERY dangerous.  My drugs of choice and alcohol are the only drugs that when coming off them can:

  • kill you, 
  • cause seizures and 
  • the only drugs that give you excruciating pain if you don't take them when dependant on them. 

Fortunately, I don't drink, but potato vs. potahto. Narcotics are narcotics. Anyways...

So, for the first week I was being detoxed. Have you seen those movies with heroin addicts coming off drugs, with the puking, shaking, fevers, shits and rocking at a corner of a room because the body wanting its fix is kicking their asses? Well, that was me. I was crying, praying, experiencing body pains from the 7th dimension of hell, and rocking myself to sleep. I was vomitting, with a runny tummy and shaking everyday, praying that I do not have a seizure, especially because I saw an inmate (that's what we called ourselves in rehab) having one from alcohol. I was scared shitless. I am still scared shitless to be honest.

Q: What am I scared of?

A: I am scared of experiencing that horror again, therefore, I am scared of using again, because if I relapse, I am going to have to go back and experience those horrid feelings again.

I booked myself in in early October. I could feel my life spiralling down. When I noticed that the minute I didn't pop a pill (or two, or three, or four) for more than 6 hours,  and that I started having jitters, flu-like symptoms, and fevers, panic attacks and an upset tummy, I knew what this was, dependency. ADDICTION!

When I saw these things happening to me if I did not pop some pills, and getting relief as soon as I popped a pill, I knew I was in trouble. So, I called the rehab, paid the 50 grands, went to Switzerland, knowing that I am going to come back to clean myself. I don't need to be a street addict to know that the road I was heading was to hell, although it would have made a better story. I know my body, I don't kid myself. When shit's up, shit is up, and fanny wagging about it only prolongs the pain and suffering for you and those who love you.

When I got there, they confiscated my phone and all my electronics, and I was shut off from the earth for a month. A month! Without my phone? How the hell was I to survive? Well, I did because here I am, fine and functioning, and being away from my phone didn't kill me. Oh, this also meant, "No music!" and I wasn't even allowed to bring my guitar. I felt so sorry for myself. I was crying everyday, at least twice a day from withdrawal pains, missing my loved ones, and counting the days I still had to spend there, suffering.

I have never cried and laughed so much in my life. Rehab was like boot camp slash therapy slash spiritual retreat slash nuthouse. Waking up early in the morning was a shock to my system. I woke up at 6AM and slept at 23PM. 17 hour days for a month. I fell asleep in lectures, and group sessions, and one time, my chair almost toppled over, but I was saved by a friend who caught me before I hit the ground. I also walked into a glass sliding door, while walking at full speed, ricocheted on the door and stumbled backwards and went on my knees, confused and dazed. Then I tasted blood. I had hit my top lip on the door. I rushed to the nurses, and my lip grew three times its size and I looked like a duck for three days. On my farewell, it was still not forgotten.

I unhinged the sliding door from the impact, left a face print from it, and bit my lip inside. That's how hard I hit the glass sliding door. I remember thinking, "For Fucksakes! I have never run into a door before, and the minute I am taken off drugs, I run into doors? Jesus, why are you testing me? What am I supposed to learn here, other than proving that my skull is hard?"

Oh, and don't mention the manual labour. Something that my friend called reverse employment, where we pay 50 grands to clean floors, wash dishes and clean toilets. But, that was okay, despite it being tedious. My nails looked like I was digging graves from washing dishes, and I couldn't do anything about it because my nail polish remover was also confiscated because some people drink it or sniff it. I was like, "Really?" but I didn't argue. I kept it moving. I had 60 pages of writing to do, 60 pages of consequences of doing drugs.

Again, I said, "Look, yeah. I was not driving drunk, being promiscuous and killing people on Benzos and Opiates. I was chilling in my room, sleeping and being calm. How on Earth am I supposed to have 60 consequences of using drugs from such a chill drug?" Then to top it all off, they made me some glorified addict prefect for four days, and I had to assign duties to people, snitch on people, and just plain be a dick. Being already popular at the rehab with my addicts, the four days went on, I didn't snitch on anyone, because snitches get stitches. Fuck! Some of these people will get you on the outside and make your life a living hell, like I am going to make some people's lives a living hell since I am out. So, snitching on peers is not my thing. Never have been. So, no snitching was done. I didn't see anything to report. I was too busy with myself to care what others did, to be honest.

Gosh, there is so much more, but I will save that for the book.

For now, that was my month at rehab.

Ciao

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

When you're sitting there...

...please realise that I am not bound by the rules and laws of man; of fear, shame, guilt, obligation, or whatever else you bow down to. It is only real laws that I can not break, those that I obey by design, those that govern my totality. 

So, when you're sitting there, judging, musing, wondering, trying to fathom the machinations of my world, remember, I am a different type of slave. 

I'm the type of slave that knows that she is a slave. 

Who is my Master?

My mind, my desires, and my capabilities are my masters. The operative word is: "MY!" 


Inana governs Inana

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Nuva Ring: My Experience With It So Far...

Hey,

Current Mood
Have you ever fainted before? Or have you ever not eaten for a long time? Do you know that feeling of nausea, headache, weakness, light-headedness and barely being able to walk, having people rush to you with sugar water, type of feeling? Add cramps to the equation. Yes, mind-numbing cramps as if you're on the worst day of your period. Well, imagine that feeling happening every single day, every single hour, every single minute, for 28 days. That's been my reality. The only thing I can do without effort is pray for God to take me now! Oh, and swear! Yes, I have been cursing like a sailor, just to get by, and don't mention it because I will swear at you. :)

Within the first week, I was ready to take it out (NuvaRing), and die another way, because it seemed like using the ring to prevent me from dying of anemia was just not worth the effort, because I would rather die the anemia way, than die from writhing from pain and nausea. Thank you! I was speaking to the gynecologist on email almost daily, going to her offices every two days, because I live at a walking distance from her offices at Sandton Medi-Clinic, so I used my visits to her as exercise and a way to let off steam. She is the best gynecologist in town, Dr Moodley, so her visits aren't cheap either. She only takes cash, and you claim from the medical aid yourself.
Current Mood

Side note: The medical aid is messing with me. I want my money!!! I have sent all my cash payments to them, and they have not paid me. Lord, why???

Okay, moving on...

Basically, she said, what I knew, and that is, the first three months are not fun, especially to a person like me who is averse to birth control, generally. So, I remember her looking at me, appealing to my sensibilities and saying that I give it three months. I remember looking at her thinking, "This lady thinks I am sensible right now?" because in the greater scheme of things, 3 months is not a long time, but Lord, it is an eternity when you're nauseous!

Mind you, I am not having bed rest during this time, even though I do try. No, life is going on as usual, and bills need to be paid, mama's gotta eat, and the show must go on. So, everywhere I go, I am a facade of tranquility and joy. Inside, I am crying, "God, if you could just take me now, I would really appreciate it."

But, alas, I am not a stranger to pressure, so somehow, I managed to have things to laugh about during these last 28 days. And, why are nausea pills so expensive?  This pill is called Zofran, and it has helped me have some moments of having no nausea, but damn! At 50 bucks a pill? Twice a day? No, no, no... But, what can I do? What can I do when no one will get me marijuana? What am I to do when I do manage to get the number of a dealer and he says he's too busy to deliver the grass? Yes, that actually happened, and it became abundantly clear that the Universe doesn't want me taking weed. When a dealer doesn't give a damn about paper, you know that the universe is conspiring against you.
Current Mood

Other medications I am paying for are for the cramps, Myprodol, Buscopan, Adcodol, 2 each, every morning, every midday and every night. No, I am not in any way shape or form high from these pills, unfortunately. I have been dealing with strong painkillers since I was a young one, so these wonderful pills that take people to cloud nine do absolutely nothing for me, except for taking the pain away. Basically, they do what they are meant to do, not get me high! Again, the universe conspiring against me being high! Why? Ugh!

The problem now is, I have never taken painkillers so much. Before, I would take them during my period, and be without for three weeks until my next period, but since the Nuva Ring, I'm popping pills like candy. They have codeine, so if I am not already addicted to it, I am going to be. Great. Just great! Addiction is just what I need right now, what with life being so trouble free, and all. *rolls eyes*

Another expensive pill I am taking is called Nexium, because with all this ibuprofen my epigastric system is a hot mess. I literally drink bicarbonate of soda, every day too now. Half a teaspoon in 250mls of water, just to get the acidity down. The moral of the story is that the NuvaRing has ruined my life. I had to laugh at such melodrama, but it is true.

Oh, I have not gained weight on the NuvaRing. Maybe it is because I am actually conscious of that side effect and keeping an eye on things, I don't know, nor do I care, really. I also think that I have not lost weight either, so...
Universe's Current Mood

My single release has been pushed back, or is likely to be pushed back, but guess what? It had nothing to do with my troubles, so I am quite chuffed. It was due to other factors that had nothing to do with me, and why am I happy about this? Well, because I knew it. I am an astrologer, and I know things. I knew last year that I would release my single in August, or that August will be the time when it will be better received. Another reason I am relieved is because it gives me time to get through the worst of these NuvaRing side effects, meaning that I may actually also enjoy one of the most important milestones in my life.

Then, by September, I will be fit enough, or better than now, to celebrate my birthday in Europe, and have the will to celebrate. There is nothing as useless as something worth celebrating being uncelebrated because you are feeling like shit.

Oh, I might die of a blood clot, due to the Nuva Ring. Fortunately, whenever I hear the word "blood-clot" all I can do is think of my Jamaican brothers and sisters overseas and howl with laughter, so I don't actually care. Seriously, I never care about dying. The Lord can take me anytime. I am ready. So, bloodclot, schmlut-clot. *shrugs* I can not be arsed.

God, I am taking so much codeine. It just dawned on me. Next, it's morphine. Next, I am an addict, shooting drugs on my feet to hide track marks! I don't like being addicted, hey. I like being in control. So, this codeine had better not be a gateway drug.

Anyway, let me go make myself some eggs. I have to eat lots of protein, according to Dr Moodley, so I am eating eggs like they are running out. And, I don't like eggs. Vegetarian (almost vegan), I detest eggs. But, hey, we're doing this to have a healthy body so that I can mother a child well, and not die of anemia.
My Mood: Ribery. Universe's Mood: Guy in Yellow. 

Okay, later. I will put pictures later, if I feel like it. I have readings to do, scripts to read, songs to write and hopefully more reality, tv VH1 juicy stuff, to watch.

Ciao.


Monday, June 2, 2014

Oh, One More Thing...

... For someone who doesn't ingest many calories, I have often wondered why I am so... voluptuous all of a sudden. It happened overnight, but in 3 stages over a few years. In 2008, I gained. Then I plateaued, and couldn't take the weight off no matter how much I tried. In 2012, I gained weight again, and plateaued, couldn't lose it still. Then, in 2014, I gained more weight, and I think I am gaining and losing it alternating between weeks. From B Cup breasts (2008), I went to C (2011) and now I am firmly at DD (2013), wondering what the heck is happening to my body. With each growth sprout, my hips became wider too. I thought it was aging, but no, it was hormones, caused by my uterus as discussed in the previous blog post. Don't mention the pimples. Just don't mention them.

I eat so well, that I don't even have an inkling of bad cholesterol, or anything that may be caused by an unhealthy lifestyle because I do my yoga too. That's a bummer. I should have just been unhealthy, then maybe I could understand better why all of this is happening. In fact, stop what you're doing, go have whatever you want, because you will get sick anyway.

Well, I got my test results back last week, and I have insulin resistance. No one knows what causes it, especially in a case of someone like me who watches what they eat, but it is linked to women with reproductive problems like me. Also, it is a forewarning for Type 2 diabetes, heart disease and other things which when I was reading about them, had my head spinning.

Question: What does this mean, other than that my life is fucked?

Answer: It means that above all the other crap I am going through, I have to be chubby through it, until my body eases back to its normal state, or get type 2 diabetes, get obese and die.

Solution: Fortunately, there is a solution. I need to up my protein intake, decrease my carbs, keep on being relatively active, and with the NuvaRing, I should be balancing my hormones and seeing some recognisable changes in three months or so.

In the meantime: I have to deal with migraines, nausea, cramps, hot flashes, fatigue, lack of patience with the human race as they think I have time to deal with their issues while I have my own to deal with, and... drink pills that alleviate the above mentioned symptoms.

During this time, the worst time of the beginning of my road to wellness, I am gearing up to release my 1st single. I will write a separate blog for that. But, can you imagine feeling the way I feel and having to have studio sessions, photoshoots, meetings, music lessons, learning lines, and being positive? I bet you can not unless you have been through it because there is nothing positive when you have a continuous migraine for days (12 days so far), coupled with constant nausea. I wake up feeling sick, I go to sleep feeling sick. It just doesn't stop.

*sigh*

Now, I have to go buy eggs... I seldom eat eggs, because my diet is almost vegan, but if I need to increase protein levels, it is the only protein I think packs proper punch because eating legumes daily has not been successful. So, I need to turn it up a notch.

Anyway, that's all.

May no one ever tell me that my life is easy. Through it all, I pick myself up every morning and act like I am the healthiest person on earth, never complaining (okay, I complain a little), but I get my ish done, and keep it moving.

Okay, later y'all.

Inana


Friday, May 16, 2014

EduBlog: My Roller Coaster Ride With Women's Health

Dear Reader,

I am now no longer an aspiring artist who has time to sit around and heal from the body's ailments. I am now a recording artist who needs to be on top of her game, healthy and filled with energy so that I can do my job, not just for your enjoyment, but most importantly, for mine.

A uterus - from which you hail.
Every month, since my first period, I am bedridden, from excruciating pain. In order to alleviate the pain, I take pain killers that knock me out, and I still end up in bed, not functioning. But, before my period, I am also in agony, cramping, retaining water, craving, and feeling irritable. So, in general, from when my cycle begins (first day of my period) to when I start ovulating, I am in pain, discomfort and short of tearing my hair out. In fact, the physical pain of menstruation is better than the upheaval of PMDD.

I have been to hospital so often in my life, having blood transfusions, iron transfusions, anxiety attacks, and other inexplicable things, merely because of my hormones, my uterus and my cervix. Basically, my womb hates me. Regardless of not having any STDs/STIs, I am in constant battle to go through most days of my life because my womb is not normal. I am a healthy person who eats healthily, doesn't drink, the works, but still, I am in hospital because my womb is not okay.

Do you know the female anatomy, or all you know is sticking things in it?
I have been looking for solutions all my life and NONE have worked. The birth control pill hates me, so I tried that and got off it after 24 months, so I did give it a chance. I really did. I went on anti-anxiety medication and went on them for 3 years, and got off them because they hated me too. The point is, I have tried everything possible in my life to make me a normally functioning person, by taking all precautions and trying out all the solutions and nothing has worked. In fact, things that I have tried have made me worse.

So, what is the last and ultimate solution?

*moment of silence*

Answer: The only thing that can ever give me peace, allow me to function normally and live a better quality of life is a Hysterectomy and hormone therapy, thereafter. 

*pauses and thinks*

Adenomyosis
Okay, I have recovered from the gravity of this whole thing. What is the whole thing? Well, I have a thing called Adenomyosis and that's not all. I also have a Cervical Fibroid, a fat tumor (not malignant but troublesome) on the left side of my cervix, so, it is party time every month because of these two trouble makers.

It is why I lose so much blood and have anemia, it is why I have Hormonal Armageddon in my body, from gaining weight without doing anything, to losing it, and  becoming stick thin without lifting a finger, to acne, hair texture changing every 3 years from loose curls to tighter and rougher hair. It goes as far as being so hairy, if I look closely at my face, I see a tiny, fine stache and side burns.

When hormones are imbalanced, eating right, eating little, and even exercise won't do anything for your body. Your body will do what it likes and tough if you don't like it. You will get pimples (although now they aren't as bad as when I had Hyperpituitarism but I still feel nausea EVERY SINGLE DAY, get headaches everyday, and feel bloated for most of my life, because my hormones are going La Vida Loca.

Still, with all this strain, I still manage to have some life. But BOY, it is not easy. I am trying out another thing now called a NuvaRing for a minimum of 3 months from June, to see if that decreases bleeding at least, so I don't have to deal with anemia on top of everything else.

Lastly, I have to have kids in the next few years. Only then can the doctors allow me to remove my uterus at such a young age. Otherwise, the specialists recommend that I just live with it until I have kids, then I can remove my uterus and live happily ever after because that is just about the ONLY option I have.

A friend of ours had the same problem as I have, and unlike her, she is married and was trying to have kids. She finally gave birth 2 months ago, but it was not an easy pregnancy, nor an easy birth. In fact, the results of having the problems I have is having difficult pregnancies, miscarriages, giving birth to premature children. I can just forget about a natural birth, or water births and all those romantic things. It is C-Sections for me all the way.
I have the one at the bottom right.

In the meantime, I have to live with this battleground that is my body, until I have children. In the meantime, I will just do some yoga, boxing and eat well as usual, to not give my body any more reasons to act out. What's in my hands, I will take care of. My body, on the other hand can do what it wishes because to remove the fibroid in my cervix would definitely make me infertile, so the doctors don't even want to touch my cervix. All they are doing now is trying to manage the symptoms until I have children, and only then can they get rid of the problem.

Otherwise, my eggs and fertility are one of the best. It is just my cervix and endometrium that's not wonderful. I don't even have any signs of Cancer (probably due to a healthier lifestyle).

A Normal Uterus - The one you wanna occupy
Anyway, to the men out there, give us ladies a break. A normal woman is going through cycles of hormonal changes that keep her busy and overwhelmed. Others have women's health problems that are debilitating to their daily lives, not allowing them to have the time or energy you have, so give us a break, please. Women are dealing with so much. If it is not their uterus, it is their breasts, tumors from both places plague our lives, literally making us on guard or in pain or physically and mentally drained half the time. Give us a break, we are dealing with backaches, headaches, tender breasts, cramps in our wombs and bleeding from our wombs, EVERY MONTH for a week minimum. Don't forget that when we ovulate it sometimes feels just like we are on our period, except we are not bleeding and we have more testosterone.

I beg of you...

Be gentle to us women folk. Unlike you, our most worry is not getting a hard on. It is so much more. Our bodies are human life carriers, and our bodies are always (every month) preparing us to carry life. This is a huge mechanical and biological endeavour.

Okay, let me go drink more painkillers. Cheers.
Inana

Monday, March 31, 2014

Happy Even When I am Not Supposed To Be.

Hey There,

Things are moving quite along in the music front. Pre-Production stage of recording is not a joke. It is the hardest as far as I have experienced. This is something that music makers aren't aware of. The business behind the glossy product, the hard work before the sweet sounds. There is so much that needs to be done before a song is even sent to a producer. There are so many people involved in the conveyor belt of song making, and we are not even at the part where we deal about image, marketing strategies and all that stuff that PR execs have made so popular through reality shows and magazines.

What I can say with great joy is that the music that is being birthed is quite spectacular. I am so happy with it, and that, my dear souls, is only because I have a record label that concentrates on me, not a record label that sees me as a number, but one that sees me as an artist and as a commodity, one which can be moulded, refined and presented to the world with all parties involved feeling pride and accomplishment.

It seems like I am talking before the eggs hatch, but I know when I know, and I know that the writing of songs that has gone on is one that will be remembered. Basically, it will not be the product that lacks lustre if things do not go as planned. And, because I am working with a dedicated team of professional with a single vision, I have no doubts that all delegates will perform their stations with flying colours.

All I am waiting for now is to tick that part of the list that says, "Hear My Song On Radio". In fact, I am more excited about radio than I am with music videos because I am self-conscious and reserved. In fact, if I had the boldness of Daft Punk, I would wear a mask and hide my face and just let it be about the music, but there is more to that. Or be like the Gorillaz and be an animated character. That would be easier, but I have more to do about myself as a human, and it involves me showing my face. My face needs to be seen, not for vanity's sake, but for a purpose bigger than me.

The purpose is: You can do it your way, as Old Blue Eyes once sang. You can dream it, and systematically achieve it with patience and staying true to yourself, without any casualties along the way. I can testify that, I am not the easiest person to understand but that doesn't mean that I can not be understood. By clarifying that the music I make is not from me but that it comes through me, it makes things easier to understand because it becomes less about the self and more about the art and the people that I am making it for. This then eradicates needless drama, ego and confusion. So, by showing my face, I just want people to see that a basic, run of the mill woman like me, can make her dreams come true, if she pleases. By staying on the path, and not straying from the initial calling of one's passion, one might live to see the day when one's dreams come true.



This applies to everyone. There are no special people with better gifts than others. I am not the best singer, nor am I the best song-writer or best guitarist. But, I had a dream, or purpose, or goal, and with patience, hard work and discipline, I am able to be here today, feeling like a Goddess, having the freedom to do what most think is impossible, and having the honor to do what I enjoy as my career and job. With a little help from one person who believes in you, after you believe in yourself more than everyone else, you can find yourself living your dream.

Now, remember that we are at pre production stage, and already I feel that my dreams have come true, and I am overflowing with gratitude, joy and pure pleasure. No matter what happens, no one can ever take this priceless feeling from me. I feel accomplished already and no one knows who I am. I feel like I have won, and I have not yet entered the race. I feel like I have overcome and I have not even had the songs come out.

I am thankful. I am humbled. I am indebted to the ones who have given me the gift to manifest the thoughts that have hounded and haunted me almost all my life. I already feel validated. Imagine that. Imagine that. Well, I don't have to imagine it. I am now living it. I am reeling from the excitement and love I feel from living the life I was supposed to live. Maybe this is the very feeling that I was born to feel, and I might die tomorrow. If so, then goodbye. I died happy. If I live another day, I will carry on just on this wavelength and frequency of joy and gratitude, and take nothing for granted.

Lord, knows... I take nothing for granted. I have experienced the opposite of this, and so I know that what I have is nothing but godliness and love showing off through me. I just want to spread the good vibes and hug people. I want to make others feel the way I feel. That's how I know it is true, because this feeling wants to multiply itself, and not in me but through others.

Anyway, let me end here. The cat has come into my bedroom, and he is such an attention whore that, she will soon sit on my keyboard, and stop this blogging nonsense.

So, good night.

Inana

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Loyalty, Love and Contentment.


I will not leave my home for you. I will not turn my back on the man who was there when you weren't. I will not cause pain to the man who comforted, protected, and made me feel safe when the world was unkind. He became my rock, my sword and my shield when I was bruised, battered and unsure that I will ever smile again. Why would I leave my home for you?

Instead, I invite you to my home with open arms, warmth and kindness. I never want to leave this place, or lose the feelings it gives me. I don't have to leave my home to have communion with you. Come into my home, where I feel safe, loved and strong, and let us be friends again. Maybe then, I could leave my home and visit yours some day because it too might feel like home for me too.


Saturday, February 22, 2014

My Heart

Heartbreak


My heart, not the organ that resides in my body, but the essence of who I am, my soul... It belongs to me always. It may be given but only temporary, and if it is given, it has to be given and nurtured by the person who it is given to continuously, in order to feel as if it is whole. Evetually it always comes back to me, and to the one who created it. In fact, my heart is so complex that, it doesn't belong to me at all. It is a tool with which I can learn, grow and evolve through connecting with others. Not to connect for my pleasure or for my benefit, but for the purpose of those above who know why they gave it me to be its guardian.

My heart is big. It can love infinite things and love things that are infinitely out of my reach, for my heart is not bound by the laws of physics or morality or even need. It just does what it does because it knows more than I do, and it merely uses me to get its way.

Some seek love, others seek money; some seek fame and recognition. The heart decides what I seek, not me. The heart is ungovernable, free and tumultuous. It knows no restriction and it has no shame, fear, guilt. It is certainly not obligated to me, for I am its tool, its slave, its means to an end, and nothing more.

I surrendered to it a long time ago, after realizing that, the heart wants what it wants, regardless of who it hurts, without me knowing how it could possibly receive what it desires. It has no master but its self.

My heart is not my heart alone. My heart is everyone's heart. It pulls your strings like a puppet, and it always gets its way. Life is probably all about satisfying its every whim, through me and through those who are slaves to it as I am. It is primal, simple, powerful and it is a law unto itself, that we mere mortals can not fathom how helpless we are against it.

For that matter, I suspect that I do not have a heart. I was created for the heart. I am its legs, brain and hands, its nose, ears and mouth, so that it may just get what it wants. I suspect that the heart always gets what it wants, because if I fail to give it what it desires, it will use any of the billion people on earth to do its bidding.

I had to lose you.
I am a slave to my heart. I wish it could set me free and let me choose what I desire to make me content, but, what if my heart only does what I most need, and that its apparent selfishness is actually its pure altruism towards a lowly soul? What if I don't understand my heart and its plans?

I suppose, time will tell and enlighten me as to why I feel like I am not serving my heart as well as I should because I feel as though there is still so much that it desires that I can not give, even though I have tried my best, broke my back, shattered my pride and cried in frustration to get it what it wants.

I feel as though I have failed my heart.



Thursday, February 6, 2014

Confusion: I Am Not Caring, I Have A Savior Complex.

Hey,

So, it is Mercury Retrograde. It is a time to think, more than it is a time of acting. When "acting", it should be in preparation, like pre.production, not the time of debuts. More than all of this, it is a time of great confusion. You don't make decisions during Mercury Retrograde because when Mercury goes direct, you WILL reconsider, regret or just change your mind. This is why Mercury Retrograde is a headache, amongst other things.

Although confusion is seen as something negative, I find that being confused is useful. It lets me consider or reconsider aspects of my inner life and things of the outer world. In a state of confusion, I am torn by two or more forces, making me lack direction or lack desire for certain things as I move back and forth, left and right, trying to find balance.

Now, here I am, probably confused, but having had an epiphany within my confusion. The discovery is that, I have a Savior Complex, which is something I have always known, but a few minutes ago, I realized how deep this Savior Complex really is. In fact, I suspect that I am delusional right now because I have been wrong about something I thought I knew for sure. Since I was wrong, then it means that, everything I thought had been a fancy of my imagination, and therefore, it means that I have yet another issue to deal with.

Firstly, to be wrong is not something I am used to because my instincts are never wrong. Everytime I go against my instincts, I always find myself in hot water, and regret having not listened to my inner voice. So, here I was, listening to my inner voice, completely convinced that a certain friendship needed to be nurtured because I felt it deeply, consistently and definitely.

After much effort on my part, without my actions doing any good, I gave up on this friendship because it felt tired of trying to nurture it without any support, encouragement, appreciation or any good. I failed. I thought I would be useful to a person but I ended up useless and ineffective. Basically, my heart, mind and body lied to me this time. I was not needed. I was not wanted. I was nothing. This then forced me to make a decision to let go of this friendship I had hoped for, a friendship that I knew existed beyond any doubt until a few days ago. It forced me to quite painfully say, "I have to go. You're on your own. I wish I could have been of service. If I could have been of service, I feel awful for turning my back on you. I just don't have the strength anymore to keep it afloat on my own." The longer we hold something, the heavier it gets, TJ said, so it is time that makes things heavier, and the weakening of our arms as they hold the weight that makes things heavy, and I had been holding this thing for too long, and my muscles could not take it anymore, so I dropped it. I dropped it and I don't know if it survived the fall, cracked or broke completely. I just know that, it wasn't in my hands anymore. I was not holding on to it. I was no longer carrying it.

Then, I got to thinking. Now, here comes the Savior Complex.

Who asked me to befriend this person? My instincts? Or was it my arrogance? What made me think that I needed to hold something until I could not handle its weight anymore? Who asked me? Well, I think my ego did. That is the sad part. That is the sad epiphany I had.

I think my ego made me think that I was needed, made me think that I was useful, and made me think that I could be of service, just so I can save someone from feeling alone, or feeling misunderstood. I think that the reason that my efforts came to naught is because I was motivated by selfishness, self-importance and the desire to "save a human", because if I was inspired by true love and compassion, I would have been useful. Instead, my efforts were a waste of time and energy. This is the only way I can make sense of this.

My boyfriend is different in a sense that, I do not have the need to make him feel less lonely, or to make him feel that he has someone who understands him. He is refreshing in this way because he doesn't put pressure on me to be of service to him. I am not pressured to be or do anything with my boyfriend, and I must admit that this is the only time in my life that I have not had the need to be strong, defensive, worried, or having to hold him up. My hands are free with my boyfriend to dance, clap and play games. I don't feel any heaviness. I don't feel as though I have some huge purpose to be with him other than to experience the moments we share. I don't feel like I owe him anything. I don't feel like I should check up on him. I just do because I feel like it, not because there is a nagging feeling that makes me do so.

In other words, I do not have a Savior complex with him. I have also realized that, every relationship before my boyfriend had me being the Savior, the strong one, the one who is always worried, and the one who is always holding this rock that no one asked me to hold.

Ugh... I am not making sense. Or am I? I don't know today.

All I know is that, I am self-righteous enough to dedicate my time to people who didn't ask me to, because I thought they could get something from me that is not easily found, that is, LOVE, but love IS readily available, so who did I think I was, choosing myself as a vessel of love for these humans who didn't ask me to? Do you know who I was? I was the friggen Messiah, hoping to save people who seemed damaged as if they wanted or needed me to, just because I knew that I could be of service.

Well, having a skill doesn't mean my skills are needed.

My time was not needed or wanted. My time wasn't needed or wanted. I gave it all away though. And you know why? Because I am self-righteous. I am arrogant. I am so up my own arse so as to think that me, a lowly soul, can make a difference in people's lives. So, I need to get over myself, and make a difference in my life, and leave other people's lives alone. When I am wanted I will be called directly and clearly, just as my boyfriend right now called me and said, "Be my woman, and let me be your man. Be my friend, and let me make your life less stressful by being a friend to you too. Be the person who I can talk to, and let me bring peace to you."

Okay, I am confused. I don't know if I care for people or whether I am only caring so that I can be their Messiah. In fact, I think I must just not have male friends, I should not speak to exes, and I must not reach out unless called, but I fear that I am always reaching out where I feel lack of ease, hoping to bring peace and relief. But, the truth might be that, people like their displeasure and they don't want to get out of it, and I am disturbing their misery by coming to help when no one asked me too. People like their lives without me, even though I think my contribution to their lives might be positive.

All I know is that, with my boyfriend right now, I don't have to be anything, and I can be anything.

Fuck it! This blog ends. It is going nowhere.

P.S. My boyfriend says I am one of the kindest people he knows, so I don't know... 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Hello 2014!

Hey there,

It is a New Year, but to me, it is just another year. It is just like any other year. Nothing has changed. My heart still seeks the same things. My mind still thirsts for knowledge. My body still needs to be a good temple. So, 2014 is not the beginning of anything. It is just a continuation of the mundane. The only true beginning was when I was born. The rest has just been a journey of trying to find peace, love and power in a world filled with unrest, fear and weakness.

Fortunately, I do improve on my quests. I do learn how to navigate Earth better than previously. I do learn from the past, on an endeavour to enjoy, preserve and appreciate the present moment. All there is is NOW, so years, days and weeks do not matter to me. Calendars have changed in the past, and years changed in duration according to who the ruler of the world was. So, I don't care for "New Year". It doesn't give me a fresh start. I get a fresh start in every moment I live, by changing my perspective and reaffirming my desires (or turning my back on my desires).

Besides, as far as I am concerned, years start on Equinoxes, months start on the New Moon, and days start when the sun rises, not according to numbers, but according to events of our Earth relative to the Sun's position in our solar system (and even our galaxy). New Year's Day is not an event, unless it occurs on a New or Full Moon. That's my opinion. Although I feel this way, I can not say that I do not understand those who feel differently, and get a sense of renewal on the 1st of January. To those people, I do wish them a good year ahead, and I hope they maintain their motivation to change their lives.

Okay, enough of that. Below is my first audio-visual recording of me speaking, not singing. This to me is an event because it is something I have never done before.

Cheerio