My Heart


My heart, not the organ that resides in my body, but the essence of who I am, my soul... It belongs to me always. It may be given but only temporary, and if it is given, it has to be given and nurtured by the person who it is given to continuously, in order to feel as if it is whole. Evetually it always comes back to me, and to the one who created it. In fact, my heart is so complex that, it doesn't belong to me at all. It is a tool with which I can learn, grow and evolve through connecting with others. Not to connect for my pleasure or for my benefit, but for the purpose of those above who know why they gave it me to be its guardian.

My heart is big. It can love infinite things and love things that are infinitely out of my reach, for my heart is not bound by the laws of physics or morality or even need. It just does what it does because it knows more than I do, and it merely uses me to get its way.

Some seek love, others seek money; some seek fame and recognition. The heart decides what I seek, not me. The heart is ungovernable, free and tumultuous. It knows no restriction and it has no shame, fear, guilt. It is certainly not obligated to me, for I am its tool, its slave, its means to an end, and nothing more.

I surrendered to it a long time ago, after realizing that, the heart wants what it wants, regardless of who it hurts, without me knowing how it could possibly receive what it desires. It has no master but its self.

My heart is not my heart alone. My heart is everyone's heart. It pulls your strings like a puppet, and it always gets its way. Life is probably all about satisfying its every whim, through me and through those who are slaves to it as I am. It is primal, simple, powerful and it is a law unto itself, that we mere mortals can not fathom how helpless we are against it.

For that matter, I suspect that I do not have a heart. I was created for the heart. I am its legs, brain and hands, its nose, ears and mouth, so that it may just get what it wants. I suspect that the heart always gets what it wants, because if I fail to give it what it desires, it will use any of the billion people on earth to do its bidding.

I had to lose you.
I am a slave to my heart. I wish it could set me free and let me choose what I desire to make me content, but, what if my heart only does what I most need, and that its apparent selfishness is actually its pure altruism towards a lowly soul? What if I don't understand my heart and its plans?

I suppose, time will tell and enlighten me as to why I feel like I am not serving my heart as well as I should because I feel as though there is still so much that it desires that I can not give, even though I have tried my best, broke my back, shattered my pride and cried in frustration to get it what it wants.

I feel as though I have failed my heart.


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