Wednesday, September 25, 2013

If You cannot Resist Misery, Let it Deny You.

Just because I can, I post a pic of myself.
Hey there,

You can't get something that you think you do not deserve. If by some luck you get it, you will not hold onto it. Also, you can not demand the best, if you are not the best, because when you get the best, you will not be able to handle the best. Another thing that we should all be aware of is that, if you settle for lesser than you desire, you will get lesser than what you desire. This is not rocket science. Why people don't get this through their skulls, is a mystery that I can't even explain, even though I have also been through it. It's as if, once you understand something, and it clicks, you just don't understand how you could have done differently.

I know it is easy to accuse people of being idiots, but the truth is that, people who hold onto problems for a long time, or people who repeat the same experiences, merely don't know how to do differently, even though theoretically, they know what needs to be done. Hence, if you tell someone who doesn't know how to love themselves to love themselves, you are speaking to an empty room. Above annoying them, because we all know that we have to love ourselves, most people who are stuck in a dark place, a rut, or into a destructive pattern are merely not yet sure that they even want to let go of darkness, although this is on a subconscious level because what relatively sane person would choose darkness with eyes wide open?

There are people having relationships with abusive partners who stay because they have not got it through their heads that they deserve better. You get people being in relationships with people that they are ashamed of speaking about because, again, they have just not yet got it through their heads that they deserve to be with people who they are proud of.

Again, a picture of me because I am vain, I think.
Now, even if you know that you deserve better, it takes more than thinking it to get it. You have to be better than "that" to get better than "that". You can't be saying, "I deserve to be happy" and then turning around and doing things that make you unhappy. So, while being stuck in a rut, you go through it, until you say, "ENOUGH is ENOUGH!" get rid of the bad energy or leave the bad energy behind, and act as a person who deserves better.

When you clean up house, and clear your life of things and people who enable your behavior of accepting less than what you deserve, only then can you probably start getting what you deserve.

For me to begin getting better, although these people and things comforted me, I had to get rid of or leave behind the people and things that enabled me to remain in my rut. I did it with psychotic fervor and fanaticism. If I even smelled a person try to drag me back to the rut, even when I was drawn to them through vulnerability, I would retaliate violently so that even if my strength wouldn't allow me to leave, their energy and distaste towards me would help me keep away from them because they would not want me too. If I couldn't leave a dark place, or a dark person, or a dark time, I would act in such an awful manner that the place, person or time would spit me out.

Sometimes we do not have the strength to say "no", or the strength to run, so, we have to make people refuse us, or deny us, in order to maintain our path towards our goals and towards our desires. This means that you have to have the resolve of an insane person to make sure that when you can not say no, people say no for you. That's how much you should fight for what you desire. You must fight for it so hard that your ego is shattered and fight so hard that you are ready to be rejected, hated or feared... All in order to get what you deserve. Then, when even the world doesn't allow you to be unhappy, you will be happy.

Me again!! Oh my word! I am so self-indulgent, innit? 
Humans have weaknesses. We get tempted to hurt ourselves. We go off the wagon. We get distracted. In those moments, to make sure that you do not go back to the mediocre life of unhappiness, make sure that misery doesn't like you too.

Therefore, I discovered that it is just not enough to not desire to be happy. You also need unhappy things to not desire you. Otherwise, when one's strength is down and one is vulnerable, misery will invite you in because misery loves company. Let unhappiness, and those who enable it dislike you too. This way, you have double protection to not slide back into something you obviously don't want for yourself, due to just a weak moment.

On that note, goodnight.

I am going to relax now, and think about November. November... I wonder what I will be writing about then. It sure will be interesting, for better or for worse.



Friday, September 20, 2013

Insomnia is Back With Vengeance

Hey Guys,

To begin with, I have serious issues. It's dark and cold and I am sitting outside with a cup of tea and my laptop writing this blog, instead of sleeping like normal, sane people. Alright, alright, I have never claimed to be sane, In fact, I embrace my insanity, but on a serious note, I am hearing voices, like mumbling of people talking, and it is not in my head. I swear it isn't. It feels like the walls are thin, or my hearing has gone Super Sayan, and my bedroom is closing in on me, like it is too small, or too close to the noise, or something. 

Anyway, so I am sitting outside, where two days ago there was an intruder, with my gadgets, about to drink tea and probe my mind about what is causing all this restlessness, especially since I had a massage a few hours ago. 

It's like... It's like I need to go away. Away from what? Leaving is a solution as it gives a person a breath of fresh air, but if these mumbling voices are in my head, then I will find them wherever I end up. So, after tossing and turning, I finally relented and decided to not try to sleep. That is actually lesson number one for insomniacs, i.e. Don't be in bed when you are not tired or sleepy. Only go to bed to sleep because the bed should be programmed as a place of rest and sleep, not a place for doing astrology charts, playing Tetris and Scrabble. 

So as not to disturb anyone, I decided to go outside where my restless footsteps and jittery hands cannot be heard, and listen to the birds as the sun rises. And, by the looks of it, the sun is not about to rise anytime soon. Lord. 

I tried putting my earplugs on today and all they did was irritate me instead of giving me the peace and quiet they usually provide. I mean, you should see me right now. I am the quintessential crazy person, wearing warm clothes and freezing my beautiful and soft black ass, instead of being languid in my awesome queen sized bed. And, let me tell ya. I have a very comfortable bed, a beautifully smelling room and a practical neat set up that would zen out anyone else, but me. 

I have too many thoughts plaguing me, that's why. The thoughts are not horrible or anything that should be stressful. My thoughts are merely obsessive. They keep on going round and round in my head, and I seem to not have an ample outlet for these thoughts. That is why I am writing. So, I will deem this month as a month of temporary insanity. Deal with the lists in my head, the unresolved problems that I seem to find no derivative of, and embrace the present moment by letting go of the weirdest stress I have ever had. 

I am telling you now, if you knew me, you would know that the only thing I truly ever stress about is money. The only thing that is money related that could be stressful is that I am no longer just earning money for myself anymore. I have recently grown up and I have dependants now, so maybe that's what's worrying me. I thought it was under control but I suppose, parting with large sums of money is not a comfortable feeling. I am the youngest at home. If anything, I get money. The thought of being responsible for paying my mother's mortgage has freaked me out senseless. She is retiring at the end of the month. So, I am taking over now. So, I can only assume that this is the root of my unrest. I fear that it is hard enough for me to look after myself, so how much harder is it going to be paying a mortgage when I don't even have a house.

While that is going on, I feel guilty for the fact that I am traveling again to Europe, living lavishly when I should stay put and just pay off my mother's house. This time I am going to be in Europe for two months, and I can't for the life of me make sense of how I can do leisure trips while I should be hustling hard. I just thought of ACE HOODS's song Hustle Hard. Yeah, mama need a house, and baby needs some shoes - the baby being my nephew. Thank God I do not have children. I now understand how it feels to be a breadwinner. It is not easy. 

Therefore, I am presented with the fact that I have to sacrifice my life's freedoms as my mom did when I was born. Also, I have to make sacrifices of the heart because the guilt is killing me. I feel guilty that i had the massage today knowing that the money could have gone to more urgent matters, even though it was a present and I did not pay for the massage this time. 

I have a nagging feeling that I will not book this ticket. Actually, it is a no brainer. I don't even know why I am even debating the matter. I mean... For the first time in my life, my mom said that it is no longer one man for himself, because that is how I lived before. I didn't need to help with bills because I am not living at home. But, when your mom says, in the near future, if I don't contribute more, she can lose her house... Well, that freaked me the fuck out. I didn't even know that the bond was still in play. I thought she was just working for her food and Dstv. 

M biological mother who raised me was never rich. It is my other mother that didn't raise me that's living large. So, affiliation with money means nothing at this point. The fact is, my mom that raised me just put a spanner in the works that I fear I will not handle. 

I just got signed to a record label. I just got started with my other careers on tv and stuff. I am not yet fully standing to feel secure enough that I can handle such a responsibility. So, my head is filled with all sorts of ways without ends of how I can support a household other than mine. 

I am so freaked out about it, I am near tears just writing about it. I can handle my own life, and just enough to afford the comforts that I have now. Now I wonder if I can do this too. 

Then this thought comes into my head, "If my mom dies, then the house will be paid off via insurance." So, I have gone as far as thinking of insurance money and losing my mother to be free of this quandary. Except, I don't want my mom to die. As I once said, if my mom dies, I am committing suicide because I will have no family after that. I would be an orphan and although I have my nephew, I have been away from home for so long that I barely know him. I am just a voice on the phone to him, and he is a voice of gibberish on the phone for me. 

Then it gets worse... Then it gets more convoluted. then I think "What if my sister died?" but that is fucked up too because she has a child now. The thought of her death insurance would have been better to contemplate if she did not have a son.

I feel like I did in my teens when I used to be the adult at home. Leaving home was healthy for me because it allowed me to experience childhood for the first time. Now, it feels like I am back to being the adult again. 

My life of leisure is finished! Gone! I need a job now. This job will not add any income to my life. It will solely be for breadwinner responsibilities. I have been applying for jobs, normal ones, and not this freelance thing that I have been doing for the last decade or so. I need something stable now. For some reason, even though I knew this day would come, I never thought that it would come so early. 

It's comfortable being a lady of leisure who traveled to where work came, who sat at home and blethered on Twitter because I only had me to look after. 

And also, this business of telling me things after they happen or when the shit hits the fan at home must stop. I never know anything in time because I am always being spared the worry seeing as I have had a tough life and all. My mom went to hospital and no one told me. Here I was, having a jolly time, going to hypnotherapists to deal with my trauma issues, and being zen, when my mom was in hospital, and no one told me that she was near death., because I am so fragile and need to be protected from such things, what with my own anxiety problems and trying to get my career off the ground. So, when my mom called me a few weeks ago while I was on holiday saying TO ME that my faculties are needed, I knew this was serious. And I wouldn't be surprised if it is worse than I was told. Maybe she retired 4 years ago and the retirement money ran out. I don't know. No one tells me these things. All I know is that, they are right. When I get told things of a serious nature about home, I get really out of it, as I am now.

So, Miss signed artist, Miss voice-over artist, and Miss "I need a massage regularly to keep me from stress" is now looking for work to feed and look after my mom. I feel overwhelmed and afraid because my line of work has no regular income. It suited me fine being a vagabond. Now, I have to settle down and make more money in a stable manner. 

I have even thought of selling drugs. The unfortunate thing is that, I don't know any drug lords. My mother's expenses are quadruple mine. How am I going to do this?

I have been up all night, applying for jobs, who all find me suspicious because I have not worked full time for a decade. I am over-qualified for most that can hire me and not experienced enough for those I am qualified for. I really am grateful that I didn't sit on my laurels these past few years and got myself qualified to be a facilitator for workshops and such. If I didn't have that as my current source of income, I don't know where I would have started. 

Now it just means that, I get another job, above trying to record an album and being an artiste. 

The guilt though... 

It is killing me.

If I knew this day would come this early, I would have been more serious about making lots more money because I need to make tons of money now to pay for a house and make sure that my mom's lifestyle remains the same. 

The last time I was this stressed was when I had to temporarily leave university to look after my mother when she had to have major surgery a decade ago. She had to stop working, she couldn't walk or bathe herself, so I left school to be the adult. Then she healed, then I had to get my education in dribs and drabs until I had some qualifications because like then, I had to do the right thing. Family first. 

I had just started feeling strong in the world and now I am back to square one with responsibilities that caught me by surprise. Now, I wish I hadn't left my secure corporate job for the artist life because I would have been sorted. I would have had a house by now, and a lot of disposable income if I had not followed y dreams. But, then I probably would have died of drugs and alcohol, so who knows if I did the right thing.

I just started getting on my feet as an artist. Now I am flat on my back again. 

Maybe I am panicked. Maybe it won't be as hard as I imagine. I am capable and I am not afraid of hard work. I just don't know yet whether I can juggle the life I chose with the family I have right now. 

This is when I start getting sad and ask why my father had to get shot because he would have taken care of my mom. This is when I get guilty because I feel that I was selfish for trying to not to be an office drone. Now I feel defeated, but maybe when it sinks in I will regain my resilience and just make more money. I just never quite needed to make as much money as I need to make now. That doesn't mean I can't do it.

I just have to do what i always do, which is, start from the bottom up again. It's like I inherited a family overnight. My current contributions to my family are no longer sufficient. I need to get cutthroat again. I can't live the life of "as long as I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy and a massage, hair and nails done anymore. Now, I have to to be the same but with more work done.

My hippy days are over. 

I feel so forlorn because even call centre jobs are not hiring me. Although it is still early days, I feel like I am losing. I found out a month ago about this. So, there is still time, I guess. I dunno. I don't like not having enough money and suddenly I literally have expenses i never imagined. 

I know guys. I am complaining but I am still comfortable. I live alright, but with the added responsibilities, the comfort zone just ended. Am I spoilt? People are living in shacks and I am concerned about maintaining a lifestyle. I know it is not as urgent as being poor. The house can still be sold. I can still move back home. I can eat less. I can still use taxis and not cabs. I can still wear one outfit everyday and I can still scrub toilets.  I can still use an old t-shirt instead of tampons. It's not that bad, but it just got real.   

Maybe I will go teach English in a foreign country.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Birthdays, The Celebration of Innocence Lost.

Hey there,

All I have got to say, with a slight smile on my face is that a lot humans are liars and delusional. They can't see themselves honestly, and therefore, they can't see others clearly. Humans claim to want to be treated with respect, honesty and with decency, but when they get treated that way, the scoff at it, reacting to it as if it is a personal assault. 

Well, this is the bottom line. 

I don't get treated badly much because I do not stand for feeling bad. I don't even treat myself badly a lot, let alone letting other human beings treat me badly. 

If you're feeling alone, as if the world has turned its back on you, feeling sorry for yourself and being horrible to other people, and feeling entitled to hurt others, I can only say that, enjoy the torture until you learn otherwise. When you wake up to feeling compassion for other human beings, you will suffer the pains they feel, and suffer the pains you contributed to make them feel. And, what is unfortunate is that, waking up to compassion is INEVITABLE. It happens to all of us! We all eventually wake up to the insensitive ways, unintentional hurts and damage that we have caused unto others, and let me tell you, you will spend the rest of your life feeling ashamed of having hurt other people. Rather wake up now than later, because the sooner you wake up, the less hurt you would have caused. 

I think of many people I hurt in life with remorse and apologetic compassion. I don't beat myself over it everyday, but I went through that period. Then I learnt to forgive myself and set myself free. But, I forgive, and never forget. So, everyone I have made feel small, hurt or negative is always in my heart as a reminder to never do it again.

For those who still enjoy hurting others and themselves... enjoy elongating the duration of your misery, because you like it, you have just not admitted it yet. When you dislike your misery, and have had enough of it, you will CRY OUT for help, and fight to leave it behind. You will fight to fix your screwed up vision of seeing good people as bad and bad people as good. You will do whatever it takes to fix things, including yourself as soon as possible, instead of revelling in the filth of your own demise. 

When that day occurs, and you have learnt to be kind to yourself enough to accept kindness and human nurturing and love from the source, I will rejoice for you. Before that, I will gladly let a destructive person hit rock bottom because seriously, until someone admits and embrace how fucked up they are, and how worthy they are of better, whatever you tell them will fall on deaf ears.

As compassionate as I am, not because I was born an angel but because I was baptised through fire to feel compassion for other beings, I went through a period where I felt it was my responsibility to assist, if I see a problem. Slowly, and surely, I am learning detachment, and although it is not easy, I do have the ability to sit back and watch as someone kills themselves, or as someone hurts. It is not easy, but I can do it. 

My biggest lesson is that, as much as humans hurt, it is imposing on their free will, and arrogant to offer assistance when they have not asked for it. Seeing pain in another person's eyes is not a right to help. You can offer to help, but that is ethically as much as one should go. Otherwise, you're just being bossy. I must learn to let people cut themselves, drown themselves, and cry alone if they choose to ignore my outstretched hand offering to pull them out of their darkness.

Once one has experienced darkness, it is impossible not to see it in the eyes of others. It is also not easy to have profound spiritual experiences which open me up to others as an empath, and not do anything when I see pain. As much as I would like to assist others, I must assist myself in learning detachment. I am always that girl who speaks to strangers as if I have known them forever because it feels like I have known them forever. I am that girl who will ask, "What's wrong?" because I can see something is wrong, while the person is smiling. BUT, I have to stop that because quite frankly, people's pains are dragging me down to feeling their pain. Before I learn to be detached, I must let people cry and hurt on their own.

In fact, I have my own reasons to cry and feel alone about. Let me deal with myself, fill my heart with more love so that it overflows, instead of giving emotional whores my energy and letting psychic vampires suck me dry from their passive-aggression. 

Let me deal with being a great girlfriend to my man. Let me deal with being a great daughter to my mom. Let me deal with being the Goddess that I have been working towards being. That is what's important to me. All the other people in pain can get out of it the way I did. We all can fix ourselves and get our houses in order with time. I did it. So can you. And I didn't have help. I just had the prayers of my mom. The rest was up to me. 

With that said,

Have a lovely day.

My birthday weekend was interesting, emotionally draining and it reminded me of the dark child I used to be who felt that I was stuck in perpetual heartbreak, perpetual tears and perpetual curses. When I was a child, I felt that I couldn't get a break from the hardships of life. My birthday took me back there. It always does. It is why I don't celebrate it. But, friends insisted that I celebrate, and boy, did the scars reopen as I was transported back to when I was a child. 

Today, I sit here reminded that I am not that person anymore. I must just not let triggers get me down. I am not the helpless child who did not know how to get out of darkness. It was truly strange. I literally regressed. And, now, as I crave a cigarette, I am realizing that years of asking "Why was I born if I was born into such hell," had a huge effect on how I view birthdays. I don't like them. And, I must respect that my birthdays are not like other people's. As they celebrate life, mine only remind me of death and destruction. 

Next year, I will do what I did last year, and stay home, alone and just act as if my birthday is just any other day. This is for my sanity. I don't mean to be selfish to my friends. It is really for my sanity. You see, a week before my birthday is the day I got gang raped. When my birthday came, I was no longer a child with wide-eyed wonder. When my birthday came, I was in the darkest place of my life. To celebrate my birthday triggers that week of being raped as well. So, I spazz out in September. I glitch. I lose my mind, cry and lose myself - only if I celebrate my birthday.

If I do not celebrate my birthday, I usually manage to go through the week unscathed and balanced. 

I need to go buy a nicotine patch.
I need to remind myself that I am channeling a younger part of me.
I am no longer the messy child I once was.
Without judging that child, I will say goodbye to her this week.
She is no longer able to be here, and I must not make fertile ground for her to exist here.



Wednesday, September 4, 2013

To Live in Truth is To Live in Love.

beauty is your birthright. Fight for it.
Hey there,

I thought I was a self saboteur, but it would seem as if I am over that phase. I am aware of people I speak to, and people I meet, who are constantly doing and acting in a way that is opposite to what they desire to be. I can say that, I was once this way, but then from a year ago, I stopped suddenly hating myself so much as to deprive myself of the happiness that I desired to have.

It started with changing small habits, like honesty and being truthful, not just with myself but with others. I made a pact with myself that, I shall never deprive myself truth, because truth is love. By not depriving myself of truth about myself to myself, truth about myself to others, truth about others to myself and truth about others to others, I began to walk a road less travelled but one that allowed me to stop being horrible to myself and others, and practice tough love with myself and others.

From that moment on, I started to give more compliments to others, appreciating good things about myself and seeing more beauty in life. I started being present, and I also began to have less regrets and more achievements. I was evolving with the world, Mother Earth, as she too was unable to hold in fear that comes with dishonesty, lack of transparency and games that humans play with one another.

Through my self-inflicted truth serum, I started attracting things of the same nature as what I desire to be, and begun to reject things that took me away from my desire. Truth became a harvesting tool in my life which separated those who chose to walk with me in truth. Those who didn't walk with me in truth were soon dispelled from my life. These people literally disappeared and I have never seen them since.
Love is your birthright. Fight for it!

And, here is my truth:

The truth is that, I detest discord and fear. I detest having my heart in a place of uncertainty, and I can't stand insecurity, indecisiveness, indirectness and indignity. I can not handle the energy of duplicity. I just get drained when I do these things. So, I speak when I wish, and when I am not speaking it is because I do not wish to. I don't remember wanting to speak to someone and desiring to say something and being confronted by the fear of doing so. I do not fear things I avoid, I merely do not desire things that I avoid.

Unfortunately, not all of us realize that depriving ourselves of truth and living in lies, deceit, and all sorts of duplicitous worlds, is a form of saying, "I hate myself. I am not good enough for love, because love is truth." When we begin to understand the magnitude of being straight forward without the intention of being hurtful, but in the spirit of love and truth, we will understand that truth sets us free from the shackles of self-hate, self-destruction and low self-esteem.

When you speak the truth, and tell someone your truth, it comes from a place of pure power and confidence. When we speak lies, it comes from a place of fear, cowardice and self-loathing. When you have to restrict yourself from saying something nice in fear of being misconstrued as a loser, you are actually just declaring to yourself and the universe that you are not good enough to love and be loved. That is the bottom line. When you have to lie about how you feel, you are telling all of creation that you are not good enough to be who you are. When you live your lies, remember that, you are declaring that you can not be loved if you are truthful.

Isn't that sad?

Isn't that lonely?

Isn't that sacrilegious?

Truth and Freedom are your birthright. Fight for them!!
You are a beautiful human being who does not need to hide who they are. This is regardless of imperfections, struggles and weaknesses that you may perceive yourself to have. This is why I am honest. This is why I have faith that you will take my candour for what it is. If you choose to take it for cruelty or as a reason for you to feel good about yourself, so be it. I take people puffing themselves up due to my actions as charity. They can have the good feeling I gave them. I don't care because I also feel good. If you take my truth as cruelty, I also don't take it seriously. It is a favour I am doing you to show you that, you don't think that much of yourself if you think I would just hurt you for no reason.

I can hurt you intentionally, but I am only capable of doing such if I am hurt. Otherwise I am always trying to spread good vibes, evolution and freedom. I wish more people came on board with me. I am lucky though to have a partner who is as candid as I am. If we are hurt, happy, needy, distant or loving towards one another, we take it at face value. We do not pretend to be hurt, or pretend not to care about each other, or pretend to be happy when we are not about each other. We speak our truth, and carry on loving ourselves. What overflows from loving ourselves, we give to the other.

So, truth is the first step to being free of pain. I learnt this the hard way. To the plebs that are still being duplicitous, enjoy your journey, and taking the long route there. Eventually you will get there. We all do.