Birthdays, The Celebration of Innocence Lost.

Hey there,

All I have got to say, with a slight smile on my face is that a lot humans are liars and delusional. They can't see themselves honestly, and therefore, they can't see others clearly. Humans claim to want to be treated with respect, honesty and with decency, but when they get treated that way, the scoff at it, reacting to it as if it is a personal assault. 

Well, this is the bottom line. 

I don't get treated badly much because I do not stand for feeling bad. I don't even treat myself badly a lot, let alone letting other human beings treat me badly. 

If you're feeling alone, as if the world has turned its back on you, feeling sorry for yourself and being horrible to other people, and feeling entitled to hurt others, I can only say that, enjoy the torture until you learn otherwise. When you wake up to feeling compassion for other human beings, you will suffer the pains they feel, and suffer the pains you contributed to make them feel. And, what is unfortunate is that, waking up to compassion is INEVITABLE. It happens to all of us! We all eventually wake up to the insensitive ways, unintentional hurts and damage that we have caused unto others, and let me tell you, you will spend the rest of your life feeling ashamed of having hurt other people. Rather wake up now than later, because the sooner you wake up, the less hurt you would have caused. 

I think of many people I hurt in life with remorse and apologetic compassion. I don't beat myself over it everyday, but I went through that period. Then I learnt to forgive myself and set myself free. But, I forgive, and never forget. So, everyone I have made feel small, hurt or negative is always in my heart as a reminder to never do it again.

For those who still enjoy hurting others and themselves... enjoy elongating the duration of your misery, because you like it, you have just not admitted it yet. When you dislike your misery, and have had enough of it, you will CRY OUT for help, and fight to leave it behind. You will fight to fix your screwed up vision of seeing good people as bad and bad people as good. You will do whatever it takes to fix things, including yourself as soon as possible, instead of revelling in the filth of your own demise. 

When that day occurs, and you have learnt to be kind to yourself enough to accept kindness and human nurturing and love from the source, I will rejoice for you. Before that, I will gladly let a destructive person hit rock bottom because seriously, until someone admits and embrace how fucked up they are, and how worthy they are of better, whatever you tell them will fall on deaf ears.

As compassionate as I am, not because I was born an angel but because I was baptised through fire to feel compassion for other beings, I went through a period where I felt it was my responsibility to assist, if I see a problem. Slowly, and surely, I am learning detachment, and although it is not easy, I do have the ability to sit back and watch as someone kills themselves, or as someone hurts. It is not easy, but I can do it. 

My biggest lesson is that, as much as humans hurt, it is imposing on their free will, and arrogant to offer assistance when they have not asked for it. Seeing pain in another person's eyes is not a right to help. You can offer to help, but that is ethically as much as one should go. Otherwise, you're just being bossy. I must learn to let people cut themselves, drown themselves, and cry alone if they choose to ignore my outstretched hand offering to pull them out of their darkness.

Once one has experienced darkness, it is impossible not to see it in the eyes of others. It is also not easy to have profound spiritual experiences which open me up to others as an empath, and not do anything when I see pain. As much as I would like to assist others, I must assist myself in learning detachment. I am always that girl who speaks to strangers as if I have known them forever because it feels like I have known them forever. I am that girl who will ask, "What's wrong?" because I can see something is wrong, while the person is smiling. BUT, I have to stop that because quite frankly, people's pains are dragging me down to feeling their pain. Before I learn to be detached, I must let people cry and hurt on their own.

In fact, I have my own reasons to cry and feel alone about. Let me deal with myself, fill my heart with more love so that it overflows, instead of giving emotional whores my energy and letting psychic vampires suck me dry from their passive-aggression. 

Let me deal with being a great girlfriend to my man. Let me deal with being a great daughter to my mom. Let me deal with being the Goddess that I have been working towards being. That is what's important to me. All the other people in pain can get out of it the way I did. We all can fix ourselves and get our houses in order with time. I did it. So can you. And I didn't have help. I just had the prayers of my mom. The rest was up to me. 

With that said,

Have a lovely day.

My birthday weekend was interesting, emotionally draining and it reminded me of the dark child I used to be who felt that I was stuck in perpetual heartbreak, perpetual tears and perpetual curses. When I was a child, I felt that I couldn't get a break from the hardships of life. My birthday took me back there. It always does. It is why I don't celebrate it. But, friends insisted that I celebrate, and boy, did the scars reopen as I was transported back to when I was a child. 

Today, I sit here reminded that I am not that person anymore. I must just not let triggers get me down. I am not the helpless child who did not know how to get out of darkness. It was truly strange. I literally regressed. And, now, as I crave a cigarette, I am realizing that years of asking "Why was I born if I was born into such hell," had a huge effect on how I view birthdays. I don't like them. And, I must respect that my birthdays are not like other people's. As they celebrate life, mine only remind me of death and destruction. 

Next year, I will do what I did last year, and stay home, alone and just act as if my birthday is just any other day. This is for my sanity. I don't mean to be selfish to my friends. It is really for my sanity. You see, a week before my birthday is the day I got gang raped. When my birthday came, I was no longer a child with wide-eyed wonder. When my birthday came, I was in the darkest place of my life. To celebrate my birthday triggers that week of being raped as well. So, I spazz out in September. I glitch. I lose my mind, cry and lose myself - only if I celebrate my birthday.

If I do not celebrate my birthday, I usually manage to go through the week unscathed and balanced. 

I need to go buy a nicotine patch.
I need to remind myself that I am channeling a younger part of me.
I am no longer the messy child I once was.
Without judging that child, I will say goodbye to her this week.
She is no longer able to be here, and I must not make fertile ground for her to exist here.




Clinton Jones said…
Damn, another solid piece. Cant say I'm surprised. You have found your stride so keep strutting. So much of what you said hit me in my core too, like a bitch slap back to reality.

Ps. Inana? Do tell.
Inana said…
Hey Clint. We will catch up on the phone or on G chat and I will tell you all about it. Miss you, buddy.

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