Saturday, January 29, 2011
I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night -and as Joan Rivers is bashing people’s outfits on Fashion Police in the background- I am wondering what an attractive, young thing like me is doing indoors when I should be painting the town red somewhere and kissing unsuspecting young men because these youngens seem to think I’m their age. Score! Anyway, I should be out somewhere looking at a tall, dark and handsome stranger across the room, who I engage with only to forget about him the next day. DO you get my drift?
Actually, I know when this whole Hermit thing of mine started because I wasn’t always like this, believe it or not. As a matter of fact, I was so wild and out of control that my mother literally prayed daily for me to repent, bless her heart. During those days, my idea of fun was meeting new people, getting tipsy and being outrageous. I started becoming a Hermit when I started my music career, 4 years and 9 months ago in 2006 when I quit my job and realized that partying had to take a backseat, and serious industriousness had to be adopted. I stopped being social and carefree when I started my “own business” and I haven’t been frivolous ever since. Sad, but true.
I remember one day thinking and deciding that I am not allowed to reward myself with trips, partying, fun and even laughter if I have not achieved my objectives. Little did I know that my goals would take this many years to reach. I became darker and more somber as I racked my brain as to how I was going to be successful in this new venture that I had embarked upon; more introspective and self-involved and thus more of a loner than I have ever been in my entire life.
The thing is, I am very single-minded in my focus when I set out to do something. I get obsessed with it, whatever the object of my desires is, and I learned to never take my eye off something until I achieve it, and it has been this way since 2007. Every day of my life, I think over and over on how I can create more opportunities for myself to move one step closer to having the career I desire. I never rest. It is all I think about, and everything I do is toward my goal being reached.
I’m mostly single throughout my life, and I’m not even mingling either. Relationships are distracting because men tend to compete with my guitar and my mind, for attention or something. I don’t know what it is, but I require more space than most people are willing to give me, and that has served me well, but no man is an island. The truth is: companionship is a requirement to being human, so I need to make changes there because my own company, although the best I have ever come across thus far, is not enough. Men usually drain me and come between me and my career, so my strong resolve will not allow that. I am always just making music, trying to get my music out there somehow and wondering what my next move should be. I have trained my mind so well and I think I have created a monster because my mind is all about work, i.e. updating these blogs, all about doing something musical to update on these blogs, all about making money in order to sustain my career, etc. Unlike other women, I can’t multi-task.
Since mid 2009 I decided to try and teach myself to relax again. I came to realize that I had lost balance in my lifestyle. I had forgotten how to relax and just be young and have fun. The truth is that I have never been young really. I was one of those children who freaked people out and made people uncomfortable because I spoke and acted like an adult. My aura and vibe has always possessed depth which didn’t fit my chronological age. In fact, it would seem that my other lesson in life is to learn to be young.
I dreamt about being possessed by Innana, which changed my entire outlook on life and gave me a little more power to be less limited. I won’t go into what the dream was about since this blog is already getting too long, but this Goddess told me that she is the Goddess of pleasure and Divine Feminine power, and that I was restricting this side of my personality. After the dream, it was as if she lingered within me, as if I could tune into her frequency of existence and get reminded of the meaning of pleasure and femininity.
So, as the ever conscious person I am, as the forever transformative person that I am; I decided last year to work on balance. I have BEEN wild and careless and carefree; I have also been serious, disciplined and limited, but, I need to find a wizened balance. I don’t wish to be a party animal and I doubt I can ever be one because I am just too gentle for such. That personality was also not true to who I am, just as this Hermit personality isn’t true to who I am either. It is like the Mars archetype which is impulsive vs. Saturn archetype which is limiting, and what I have to be is Jupiter and Venus, who is gregarious yet wise and feminine and sexy respectively. I do have natal Jupiter conjunct Ascendant and I have natal Venus sextile Ascendant, after all. I need to embody all of my facets and not neglect anything for the ultimate balance.
I am like a Debutante, trying to gradually introduce herself back into society after years of disappearing into the mystical nothingness of the 12th House (I have a full 12th house). Also, although I am against instant gratification, it doesn’t mean that I can’t be part of the normal world and socialize a bit, does it? I know that I said I would celebrate when I have received my desires, but that was before I learned that you have to be in a state of GRATITUDE derived from feeling that you have already received what you desire to receive what you desire in 3D.
I am woman enough to admit that I was wrong. I was wrong to think that I have to be obsessed about it to the extent of not living my life, to achieve what I desire. I have learned that I have to be in a state of having received what I desire in order to receive my desires in this reality. I have received my desires in other dimensions, but because I am not taking them by being thankful for them, I am not realizing that my desires are right in front of me.
First on the list on my gregarious yet wise path is to laugh a lot, flirt a lot, dance a lot, and love a lot. I am glad to say that I am doing this as we speak and I love it. Also, I have brought back that child-like wonder and child-like naughtiness into my life recently and I love that too. I am channeling Jupiter now and it is awesome. I have spent the 20s trying to get to know myself and it has not been easy, but it has been useful. I know myself better these days because of this, even though I have not learned everything, and I am very empowered by having explored my psyche because imagine doing all of this later in my life. I would rather do it while I am young, don’t you think?
I am an intense person who has an all or nothing stance on life. That is why I move from one extreme to another. I have a Scorpio Ascendant, with Jupiter conjunct it. Then, I have Mars in Scorpio too. So, I am very, VERY intense and the concept of balance is strange to me. I would rather go in the YIN side of the spectrum instead of the YANG, if I had to choose, but now I seek a balance. So, wish me luck! I can’t wait to play! I have been in darkness to learn about myself and now I am going toward the light to make my full-circle journey. Awesomeness!!
Thank you for reading,
Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You,
Love, Peace and Power!!
Posted by Inana at 10:41 PM
Monday, January 24, 2011
Well, it has been a long time since I have delved into this particular vibration of writing because I have been concentrating on celebrating life for the past few months even though I have experienced set backs like everyone else. The thing is, I do not become “contemplative” when I am in a good mood, or when I am feeling revitalized and rejuvenated. You see, I wrote more in this frequency when I was sleep deprived and tormented. Fortunately, today I am both so I have more to say than “I’m happy”.
For the last few days I have been sleeping a maximum of 5 hrs of awful sleep accompanied by nightmares and so forth. So, I am in a perfect state to write long speeches. Don’t ask me why. All I know is that when I am in full, good and refreshed spirits, I have no time for writing. All I want to do when feeling my best is to experience life than to write about it.
When I am in good form, I prefer to live in the NOW than to speak about living in the NOW. I usually spend my time with friends, laughing and catching up, calling and texting and meeting people for lunch, and connecting to the SOURCE and sending out prayers of gratitude to the Universe. Yes, boring, but that’s my idea of fun. I usually create less songs but I do play and perform the songs that I have already written a bit. During high energy times, I share that creativity with others. Therefore, there is no time wasted and I am glad for it, because to be honest, I hate being stagnant, so there is always something to do. During low energy times, I zone out, become a loner and open myself up to creative energy. So, I have come to take advantage of the good and the not so good times by using both times to get something done. I can’t afford down time. Believe it or not, I am not always heavy and dark as I have presented myself to you in the last few years.
I have been reading Dr. Samuel Sagan’s books lately, namely, “Atlantean Secrets” and “Awakening the Third Eye” and also reading some excerpts from his book on possession. As strange or as dramatic as I may sound, I think I am possessed. It is that or I have very distinct separate personalities. There is a part of me that is somber, insightful and wise who speaks with great care, purpose and concern. To be honest, this part of me is very preachy and I get annoyed with it sometimes as it goes on and on. Then, there is a part of me that is just juvenile in a pleasant way. This part of me doesn’t take her self seriously, laughs a lot and basically lives La Vida Loca! I switch from one personality to the other depending on how much I’ve slept, what I have eaten and so on. Or, I have bipolar disorder, although being the hypochondriac that I am, I had already got myself tested some time back to make sure, and I wasn’t.
The light-hearted part of me doesn’t particularly want to write anything, whether it be songs, lyrics, blogs or emails. The light-hearted side of me likes to listen to other people’s music, likes to chat to people instead of writing to people and to just have fun. The heavy-hearted self likes to write, make new music, philosophize and dwell on the horrific state of the world. Obviously, I like the light-hearted self better, and I think I was the light-hearted self first, but when the heavy-hearted self came along, I was able to calm her down via writing and music. You see – the heavy hearted self thinks of poverty, sickness and the degeneration of the Earth and cries about it, while the light-hearted self thinks of the beauty, the hope and the reasons to celebrate being alive.
I am not sure which of these parts is the real me. Maybe they are both me. Either way, I prefer the happy one than the morose one. The morose one is just so heavy, and she usually comes out when my spirit is heavy also. So, I am possessed, as Samuel Sagan M.D. says, or that’s just who I am, a person with two extremely polar personalities. And, yes, this does confuse people a lot because if you like me for one of the personalities, and you happen to experience the other, you will totally start disliking me thereafter. I don’t know how many times I have heard the words, “I want your bubbly self back” or noticing people thinking I am a sham because instead of speaking about the insanity of the world and how to deal with it, I would rather laugh about the ridiculousness of the world. My true friends and loved ones accept the heavy part of me because it gives good advice but they all love the lighter side of me. Fortunately, they love me so they accept me as I am. Anyway, it is the way it is because I must have invited this polarity into my life, so I am not complaining or anything. I was just explaining myself.
Even now, my tone is quite light-hearted so I better sleep one of these days because what’s next will be me preaching (to myself) through this blog, which personally gets on my nerves because I feel so dirty and self-righteous afterwards. Right now I want to carry on being bubbly, silly and unpredictable and non-judgmental. Being weird and bubbly makes me laugh and I love laughing. So, let me end the blog right there and try to sleep.
I’m sorry, but if there are errors and typos, it is not a sign of neglect and disrespect toward you. It is a sign of me being tired. I also notice that I repeated myself a bit in this blog, but hey… I am tired and my mind is going round and round in circles.
All the best,
Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You, as always!
Posted by Inana at 10:46 AM
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I hope you have had a good start to the New Year. God knows, my year ended with a flop last year, filled with intrigue, betrayal and villains. Well, I am happy to announce that I don’t stay in a bad place for too long. I am resilient, generally positive and very determined to live my dreams; therefore self-pity, depression and negativity are usually without a leg to stand on in my life. Yes, I remind myself of the Phoenix who rises from the ashes after being burned (by duplicitous managers).
That is why I chose this blog’s picture to be of a representation of the mythical Phoenix, with a woman incorporated there because you can’t get this woman down. Yep, I am quite the fighter. I don’t fight against people, but I fight against negativity and darkness; I fight against internal demons that try to convince me to give up, to feel sorry for myself, to take out my pain on others, etc. Well, I have won this round. I don’t wish anyone badly. In fact, I wish everyone the best; “everyone” being you, you double crossing… *breath… 10… 9… 8… 7… 1… Sigh* You are forgiven, but it doesn’t mean that we can be friends.
Actually, the truth is that I have nothing substantial to write about, other than to share with you that I am quite happy and strong. Out of disappointment have come lots of blessings and I am kind of grateful that everything happened they way it did because had it not, I wouldn’t be feeling this good.
All shall be revealed later. I am not being intentionally mysterious. I am just keeping my cards close to my chest because I have a big mouth and tend to celebrate before papers are signed. Then, things fall through and I come here on this blog all heartbroken and wounded. Well, there shall be none of that this time. All you should know is that I am writing more songs, singing everyday and furthering my career quite steadily. Of course, I’d prefer world-wide fame overnight than a gradual road to the summit, but hey… that's just me. The Universe has other plans for me and I am happy with it because it would seem that the Universe knows more of what is good and necessary for me than I do.
In the meantime, I have been looking at sacrificing virgins to the Devil, to see if that might get me what I desire. *LOL* I happened on a film called 'Jennifer’s Body' the other day and I have been joking to everyone that they had better not be virgins because I WILL sacrifice them to the devil to further my career. To the fanatical Christians, this is called “joking”, just in case you missed it. Next thing, I get big success and everyone is accusing me of being the Illuminati. So, I am joking, ok?
Anyway, have a lovely day, people. I surely am.
Yeah, I hope you haven’t been looking forward to an update because it must surely be a disappointment to have waited this long, for THIS.
Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You to Death!
Posted by Inana at 10:57 PM