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Friday, March 25, 2011

More Money More Problems?

Dear Reader,

*This blog is just me pouring my heart out, like when Mariah Carey was having a melt-down (how dramatic) and I shan't be concerned with creativity and writing style. I'm just letting it out here because... it's my blog and I can vent if I want to!!!)

I will NOT advertise this post. Those who see it, will see it because their soul wanted them to see it. This is a personal one, as usual. LOL

I am not sure whether you are aware that I am a singer, song-writer and a guitarist. That is my chosen field of expertise. That is the area which I have chosen to spend all my energy upon. The writing and everything else is what I do while I wait to get my ultimate break. This blog is about my journey to the top, or at least, it is about my journey as I TRY to reach the summit. 

This journey has not been easy at all. In fact, it is the toughest thing I have had to do. I have had to sacrifice so much so as not to lose track of what I want to achieve. Fortunately, I am a lucky girl. I have many people who are helping me reach my goal, who believe in what I have to offer and who are doing their best to get me where I desire to be. The problem is that, these things take time and I sometimes find myself losing it a bit, where I am not sure whether I am coming or going. 

I am not famous, but I not completely unknown. Of course, I am relatively unknown but the word is growing, people are talking, the pot is brewing. This place of unknown-dom, and the eve of my about to be known-dom, is messing me up a little, but I will get the hang of it. I am just struggling because I know what's about to happen in my life, and I know that it could also not happen at all and that I could just disappear into obscurity. The point is, for the last few years, I went on knocking on each and every door, hoping someone would open but no one did until recently. I'm still in the same place economically, I'm still in the same place physically, but NOW, unlike before where I was grappling at straws trying to make something happen, the body that is my career is finally pregnant, and it is about to give birth to a lovechild (my art).

This is a tricky area to be because it is like being in purgatory, and I find myself not fitting in anywhere. I don't fit in with the established people in the industry because these people are playing a totally different ball game than I am, and I don't fit in with the unknowns because they too are on their own missions which are nothing like the life that I am living. I am in limbo and I don't like it.

Hmmm... For example... When I approach an established artist with my wide-eyed wonder and innocence, I get greeted by distrust and a bit of scorn. Of course, this is natural because "who the F*** am I" to these people, really? Nobody! To them, they don't know nor do they care whether I will be the biggest thing to hit the industry because at the level I am at, well... a lot of people either fail or go forth, but basically there are a lot of people like me who "could" be the biggest thing to hit the industry, so to speak. The established people don't care about your potential. To them, you are a nobody or an unknown or worse, a groupie. Then there are the unknowns who don't want to be known because they do jobs which do not require the public, who view me in similar disdain, but instead of being a groupie to them, I am that wanna-be person who "isn't even famous" who sings and plays the guitar. To the "normal" person who goes to work from 9 to 5, I am a bit of a fluke who is almost famous, or worse, I am a wannabe musician who makes less money than they are at the moment, in their corporate jobs, a fool! I dunno... my point is that I don't belong anywhere these days. 

*yeah, this blog is not comfortable to read or to write*

I thought I was done with being doubted when I was being doubted by my peers as a nobody who was dreaming a big dream. Now I am being doubted by fellow big dreamers who see me as some opportunist when I am in their surrounding, just because I am not yet in the magazines like them? I bet if I started to name drop to show them who I am working with, they would change their tune, but why should I? And what would that do for me? Does being judged ever end? What's fucked up is that I have a long memory, and I have this mental list of people who have failed to recognize my potential who I shall chastise when my time comes, but what shit is that? Now, I am thinking of revenge that I am going to bestow on people just because they didn't believe in me? That's not right!! I don't like that at all! I don't want to feel this way. But, I can't lie. When I am sitting in the dark at night, I fantasize about these people on my list (fast forward from now) as they are treating me as if they have never met me, smiling and reaching out for me because I am all of a sudden worthy. THEN... I withdraw my hand and remind them exactly where and when they acted as if I was scum under their shoes. Then I tell them to fuck off! *LOL* I have had this fantasy for a long time. Anyone who rejects me gets to play a cameo and be the person who gets told off. Sigh! Jealousy makes you nasty, doesn't it? :)

Now, due to all those dynamics, I find myself being weirded out by how I am also changing. I am finding myself to be cynical and resentful. I'm fantasizing about treating people badly, I mean... come on! This is not me! Also, I am testing people, and seeing if people give me the time of day to add them on my list, and if they don't then this tells me that they join the HIT LIST for when I descend upon them. So, it is like I am recruiting for the list now! What on earth is going on with me? So much darkness and vengeance. o_O

I just want to make music. I can't deal with all this crap. I really can't. The solution is that I must STOP dealing with this crap, and I guess I need to isolate myself even more? I don't know. I guess, I better talk to those who have been through this and ask them how they managed to get through this limbo, and how they got over resenting everyone around them. I don't want to hate people. I love people generally, but to go to a party, and be introduced to someone "famous", introduced as someone who is up and coming, and to get a stiff upper lip is NOT treating me well, and that person deserves to be destroyed! :) Like, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU treating me like I am below you and sh*t? There is a new era, and I might just be its leader, so be nice. *LOL* 

The operative word there is "MIGHT". I might be someone to these people and I might not. I guess, let me not worry about snobbish people, and stiff upper lipped people, and let me not worry about being recognized. This is NOT about me, is it? It is about my music! I guess, I am learning a lot of humility through this whole stint of my journey. I never anticipated any of this. I have confidence and I carry myself in such an assured way because I know what I have in store, but people are probably wondering what it is that I am confident about since they haven't seen anything. Actually, I don't know. All I know is that, I am tempted to NEVER make any more friends from now on, and keep those that I have now, but if I do that, what's the point of living? 

I'll cross that bridge in a few months. For now, let me just get back to writing songs and forget the rest. I'll stew on this some other time.

Let me sleep. Let me let go of my bitterness and sleep. *LOL* 

To a new day! 

Ciao!

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. Due to developments of my career, I shall be shortening my name to something more marketable. I will announce it here as to what the name will be. I might keep the blog as it is for those in the know, sort of like for the veterans who know my original name, but we will see. But, yes... I am gonna have a stage name. I have already chosen one, so it is a matter of time until I share it with you. 

Thanks.

P.S.S. I might not even have a blog in this form for long. But we will see. 

<3

Saturday, March 19, 2011

WE ARE ONE!

Dear Reader,

Gaea!  So beautiful!
The Earth is going through some changes. I am speaking about the Earth in its entirety. Yes, Gaia is changing but its people are also changing. You see... whenever there is a global event, always look within to see what this macro-event is mirroring that is going on inside of you, in you micro-world. In other words, what manifest physically is a result of what has occurred internally. What manifest physically on a global scale is a result of the collective consciousness. What manifests physically in our immediate world is a result of our individual consciousness. We all contribute to the collective consciousness. Always remember this, and so, during such times when the world is going through disasters, when old structures are being broken down, when death occurs, when the hidden is uncovered; look within and ask yourself what disaster you have experienced, what old structures broke down within you, what has died in your life and what truth have you just uncovered. The fact is, my dear readers: WE ARE ONE!! Half the earth can not go hungry without YOU feeling empty too, and their stomachs being empty can manifest in another form of emptiness in YOU (mind, soul, etc). Half the earth can not die without YOU dying too. With every death the world experiences, we change and our old selves die. What happens to your brother and sisters IS most definitely happening to YOU. The only difference is the degree in which it is happening and also how well you are masking it (denial). 

When you see me, remember that what you see is your other self.
Nothing happens on Earth that we don't feel. Just because you have come to disconnect yourself mentally from your brethren doesn't mean that you are actually disconnected. Just because you have convinced yourself that you aren't hurting, that you don't feel alone, that you are not afraid, doesn't mean that it is true. You will see the truth sooner or later. You can't lie to yourself for long. 

For a long time, Africa has been suffering from hunger and disease, with mass deaths and genocides from wars while the world was drinking their wines, and getting their cheddar, convincing itself that all is fine; but wondering why they were losing loved ones from diseases and violence even in the most prosperous of countries. This is because WE ARE ONE! If a pauper is crying, know that a king cries also. it might be for different reasons. The Universe just manifests the situation; it doesn't care about the cause. While others long for water, you could be longing for love. We all feel the same things because WE ARE ONE. How it is orchestrated that we feel these things is up to each of us. 

The Universe spoke, and you didn't listen.
My friends, the Universe will always present you with another opportunity if you lost one. For example, if you "lose" something, you will find another that serves the lost thing's purpose. The Universe is filled with everlasting abundance. Therefore, if Africa's strife wasn't enough for you to wake up and smell the roses, and if other disasters that followed weren't enough to wake you the F*** up, then the Universe will just give you more opportunities until you get it. Get it?

You may ask yourself what it is that we are suppose to "get" and understand that the Universe is trying to show us, and that is simple. It is that WE ARE ONE! I am YOU. YOU are ME. Even the term "WE" is not correct because it suggests separation. The correct way to say "WE ARE ONE" is "I AM", but due to our primitive understanding of who we really are, and due to this primitive thing called language, I shall use the term "We Are One" to demonstrate my point, even if the term is contradictory. You see... "WE" implies a plural. A plural is many things. For many things to be, there must be separation of those things, otherwise there wouldn't be a plural but a singular entity. Anyway, I am losing my thought string here. The fact is "WE" can not be "ONE". "I" is "ONE" but for the purposes of getting my point across, we will go with "WE ARE ONE". 

I AM. YOU AM. Get it? 
Ubuntu!

I know, we live in a relative realm mixed with a touch of absolute knowledge, so we are at a point as humanity where we are a little confused because we have been programmed to believe what we see. When I speak to people, I speak to them as if I am speaking to my other self, i.e. my annoying self, my happy self, my boring self. I view every human I meet as my other personalities, not as different people. This might explain why I speak with such familiarity with people. Sorry, if I have made you uncomfortable with this, but at least you know why now. So, if I say something to another, I try by all means for it to be what I think is best for me in another body (my other self).

Since we see the other person in front of us, and they don't look like us, we tell ourselves that we are separate, but a new found knowing has come upon us, and that is we FEEL that this idea of ourselves is not too true. We have these longings, all of us do, of something better than what we have on Earth. This is not because we are unappreciative of who we are. This is because we are starting to recognize who we are. We are starting to FEEL that we are Godly, and this is where the longing comes in, because we are unknowingly remembering who we really are. We are in a state of being where we are getting memories of a life we "never" lived, and this is that empty feeling inside of us, this is the cause of the loneliness amongst people. Our bodies are separate, but we have a feeling that they shouldn't be, due to a distant remembrance of the fact that WE ARE ONE being (I AM). Ugh!! This is tough to articulate. Words aren't coming easily today.

Me, smiling, playing ze geetarrr

It is good and well to know, but let's be wise and apply what we know. I know as humans, we should be connecting and coming together. I can't change the world, but I can change my immediate world by changing my actions. In other words, I am becoming the change I want the world to be. I am the type of person who doesn't wait for things to be done for me. I am also the type of person who doesn't complain about something if I am not willing to change it. You can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I have asked, requested to meet, either for a coffee, or lunch but just to meet. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am open for connecting and communicating verbally, mentally or physically. *wiggles eyebrows* (Nah, I mean to touch, and hug and such. I've also been giving many massages lately.) It starts small, and then there becomes a ripple effect and the whole world changes. Yes, I do believe that I can change the world by my small contributions into the system. I believe that will all my heart. 

I believe that the more people I can make smile and laugh, the lighter the energy of the world shall be. I believe that the more I connect with people in my world, the more the world will connect. I believe that the more I speak with honesty and lack of fear, more people will do the same. I believe that the more compassionate I am, so shall the world be. I believe that the more I forgive, the more I love, the more I appreciate people, the more I acknowledge people, the more it shall happen on Earth. I believe that the more I laugh, the more laughter there shall be on Earth. Call me a dreamer, but I believe this. I have faith in this more than I have faith in food! (huh?) I NEVER ask of people what I can not do myself. That's just how I operate. 

And, yes... It is a calculative thing this because I do things consciously, or at least I try to. I never say a word or write a word, do an act and so on without a purpose. Sure, there is breathing that happens without my conscious effort, but I do most things in my life consciously, with intention and with purpose. The intention is to make this world a better place. I know this sounds like some hippy shite, and it probably is, but it is true. I do all I do in order to someday be in a better place - for you and for me. :) It's all selfish really. I know that I can never find peace and eternal happiness while my brothers and sisters are not. NEVER! Neither can you! Happiness can not last in our world because of this fact. Love and relationships are not healthy because the earth is not healthy. Ok? There would be NO complete peace on Earth even if only ONE person out of a billion was unhappy. 

Quality time! Connect!
Where was I? *Sheesh, my thoughts are scattered today*

I think I'll leave it there. My mind is all over the place. I will say one thing though - LET YOUR HEART GUIDE YOU! You will find yourself dreaming of people who you haven't seen in years, thinking of people you don't know, seeing people that look familiar when you don't know where you know them from. Or, you might find urges to be with certain people, to see certain images or to listen to certain sounds. Do it! These are opportunities, my friends. These are opportunities for you to say "hello" or opportunities to get you to say "hello". So, just do it and not think of it much. Yes, you might be labeled as unconventional (another word for psycho... lol) but what's more important? Your image and pride, or the welfare of our Earth and its people? 

Thank you for reading,

Veronnica Wolpendz signing OUT! *drops mic. walks off stage*
Love, Peace and Power to us ALL!



Monday, March 7, 2011

Worldly Love!


I played this song, "Love is A Beautiful Thing" by Al Green on repeat for over a week, that's how much I love this song. One of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it too.

Love is a Beautiful Thing!
Dearest Reader,

Did you know that my sister once thought that I was a lesbian because I never spoke about men, and never brought men to meet her etc.? Yeah, my one and only sister thought I was gay because of my disinterest or lack of care about the opposite sex. Also, I can remain for months, even years without having sex or a guy in my life, so to those who don't know me well, that can seem suspicious because a lot of people can not fathom how I can pull that off since most people are such slaves to their love lives, while I am only a slave to... NOTHING! This should give you an idea of how I operate.

Black and White Passion
The fact that I don't date much, and that I live like a nun most times, is not because I am against relationships or sex or love and dating. I love relationships, sex, love and such. It is because I do things according to how I feel, and so if I don't feel it with the utmost passion and intensity, I will probably not do it . I am very "BLACK and WHITE" or "ALL or NOTHING" in my approach to life, and so I find it absolutely pointless to be with someone unless they literally ROCK MY WORLD and consciousness.

Also, as I grow up, my tastes have become more discriminating. For example, for the past few years, I won't date someone who drinks and smokes or takes drugs! I don't care if Leonardo DiCaprio himself shows up at my door saying, "Take me, Veronnica." I would deny him if he drinks, smokes or takes drugs. Ok, I would get rid of him after a week... I mean, this is Leo we are talking about here.

Do you understand how rare it is to not settle in this day and age? I don't know if a non-drinking, non-smoking and non-drug taker man exists. If he does exist, then he is on the same boat as I because there aren't many of us who don't do narcotics. Yeah, there's nothing more off-putting than the smell of alcohol and cigarettes wafting from the mouth of a man. Ew! Also, if he does exist, he is probably 14 yrs old and that was illegal the last time I checked.

On top of being all those things, I require this man to be wise, naughty and a little childish, and must also have an artistic bone in his body because as an artist myself, I need someone who thinks like me, even though opposites DO attract. On top of that, this man must be taller than me - I'm 1,65m without shoes - and he must have a wonderfully hot body, no STDs and must be as strong as I am. Although I am just a girl, I have a good reserve of power which I exude which makes men insecure and irrational. I need someone who can handle my personal power and presence. He can't be a bimbo but he must be a spiritual man who is devoted to his family. Yes, if a man doesn't respect or adore his mother, as I adore my mother, then he need not apply! Hey, I'm not looking for a man who is dependent on his mother (mamma's boy) but a man who realizes that parents are wiser due to having more experience than us. A man who is rude to his mother will not treat a woman right!

If a man is a control freak who is jealous and possessive, he also need not apply because he is still not evolved enough to understand that one's partner is NOT their possession. One's partner is merely a mate with which to share ONE'S personal journey. I'm a loner, who loves to just be by herself and do things that interest me alone, and possessive men are my nightmare because I have NO time to be explaining myself about things that need no explaining, e.g. "Why are you quiet?" or "I think you're cold." or "You're pushing me away..." I mean, for the love of GOD!!! Can't I just spend the week alone by myself without having to make someone insecure?!? *Sigh*

Anyway, where was I? Yes... Men... My criteria is very tough these days and I am am not settling for anything but what I want. I have come to terms with the fact that due to my "high" standards that I am likely to be single for the rest of my life. But, that is okay. I accept it as a probable result to my current behavior and I will not regret it because I actively choose to be this way.  Yes, it does tend to get a bit lonely, but it is better to be single and alone than to be coupled and alone! That's my philosophy, "I'd rather be alone than be unhappy!"

Fortunately, I don't get hit-on much so I don't have to deal with a lot of crap but if I did get hit-on a lot, I would have a boyfriend spec in pamphlet form listing my requirements from a man, and then making it clear that they shouldn't waste my time by hitting on me again if they don't fit the requirements listed. My friend said I don't get hit on because I'm intimidating. That's a good friend right there because she said the right thing, but I don't believe that I am intimidating. Maybe I have an aura around me saying, "Fuck Off!" I can believe that!! But, intimidating? Nah! I am a soft-spoken, quiet yet confident lady who likes to smile and laugh. What's intimidating about that? *Shrug*

Anyway...

Another thing that has made it impossible for me to date effectively is that I know exactly what I want, unlike when I was young when I was still trying to figure out what I wanted/ not wanted. This means that there is no time for fanny-wagging and wasting time for me because it is either you are "IT" or you aint "IT". Simple! Period! I don't care if you're popular, hot, charismatic, or enigmatic. If you don't fit my requirements, I don't see why I should venture any further. Is this shooting myself in the foot? Maybe, and that is why I have resorted and accepted that I might be single for the rest of my life. I am not too heart broken about this because when the going gets tough, I do plan on adopting a child or two and being a single parent to a child who needs a mother (because I believe that I would make a good mother).

Classic bling! My favorite type of ring, ruby + diamonds
I also believe that marriage is just not healthy. But, I would like to be engaged. Yes, it's partly that I LOVE jewelry and an engagement ring is a reason to get blinged out, but also because I think being engaged is commitment enough! I don't see why we should get things on paper in matters of the heart. Paper is for business, not for love. Also, I'd love to be engaged because it is romantic. Yes, I am a romantic. I know what love is, and I am aware that love is not romance, but I love being wooed and being swept off my feet. It is actually a requirement too. *LOL*

I have Pluto trine Venus these days so it is no wonder that I am thinking of such things. I think this is a period for my idea of love and for my love life to transform into something new. Awesomeness! I love transforming, and my love life and my idea of life has been stagnant, so I am really enjoying how my thoughts have been inclined toward things of the heart lately, It is not like me and hence I find it exciting.

Anyway, that is all folks.

Cheerio

V

xoxo

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The first Rant of 2011: Bored by the Predictability of the Stupidity of Humans!



Dearest Reader,

My head is filled with all sorts of polar emotions (not bipolar, ok? Sheesh!). At one end of the spectrum, I am a little bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my life isn't as ecstatic as I would like it to be. I am bitter and annoyed at all the inauthentic people I can't seem to forgive for their fear of being themselves. I am bitter at the useless fact that I missed Modern family a couple of days ago. I am bitter and annoyed and I want to just spit at everyone and look at all these poor excuses for humans from my self-righteous vantage point and say, "I hope 2012 is true because of people like you, because you need to be exterminated!"

On the other side of the spectrum, I am very neutral; not too happy but not sad either. I'm just beige or vacuous, sort of like the calm of the eye of a storm - calm but misleadingly so. Hmmm...

It has come to my attention that I am craving stimuli from life in general, hence my general distaste for people's behaviors. I am bored with humans and this feeling is alarming because if I am bored with humans, what on Earth is going to offer me a challenge, or a surprise? Actually, it is not that people are fake that annoys me. Being fake is what it is, not good or bad, I suppose. The problem is that people are so damn predictable! Yes... It's as if I am living amongst The Stepford Wives or amongst robots! When most people speak, I can only think "I knew it!" Am I the only one feeling like this, I wonder? Is this how it feels to be jaded?

Honestly, I don't know whether it is a keen intuition or the predictability of humans that I am going through but people are so easy to read. Their facades are so weak. I mean... give me a challenge for God's sake! Surprise me and do something I don't expect! Stop being a sheep in society and stand up for your individuality and shine, for F**** Sakes!. You are a unique and beautiful, human being... Or at least that is how you were meant to be. So, why on Earth are you settling for being like someone else? Worse, why on Earth are you settling for being as people expect you to be? Isn't it offensive that your behavior is clear to me before it is clear to you? Ugh! I'm not the smartest person on Earth, and I might be fairly smart but it is definitely nothing to write home about. So, isn't it offensive for you that an average mind like mine can just read you because you are acting within the box? Shame on you!! Shame on F***en YOU! Because of you lukewarm people, I have resorted to acting outrageously just so that I can feel some thrill from living! I have literally done everything I fear (short of having sex without a condom), due to how boring you humans are. Even if I were to have unprotected sex, what would excite me there? A pregnancy scare? I don't think so. So, what next? Should I ask to be abducted for human trafficking? Or, should I walk at night butt naked and get raped? Oh wait! I would expect that, so no... even that would bore me. Don't tell me to smoke, drink, do drugs and have sex. That's nothing! Sex is natural/normal and the other things are boring! 
Or, maybe I should just drink and drug myself to oblivion. There's nothing as exciting as a weak etheric body, what with insecurities, physical ailments and psychological problems to keep a person busy. Yeah, maybe I should just mess myself up for entertainment purposes. Maybe I need to be occupied by hangovers, drug runs in the middle of the night when I run out of my stash, and temper/anger problems - which all comes with a weak etheric body. Yes... I need to dumb myself down to find this world interesting.

Men are also so predictable. My God! Instead of offering me a drink, or a shag, how about doing something out of the ordinary like offering to pray with me, or to practice tantric sex with me, or SOMETHING? Surprise me and be godly in your doings, as in "BE THE GOD INSIDE OF YOU", not the human you've shrunk to be.  If a guy, out of desire to bond spiritually, who wasn't a religious fanatic (because I am against fanatics of any kind) offered or asked to pray together... Wow! That would be far out, but then since I have mentioned it... It won't be as surprising as it would have been had I not thought of it. Another thing... are there any men who are wise? Do I need to do a séance and ask for Einstein to show up in order to have my views challenged? Expand my world, for crying out loud, and not with psychedelic drugs but with your mind, body and spirit. *SMH*  Humans! Ugh!

*Ahem*

Then again, they say that you see in others what you see in yourself, so then this means that I am the boring one. Okay, I know that I am boring in the worldly sense, as in I am not interested in a lot of things that interest others, hence I am deemed boring. Like, seriously, the only thing that has kept my attention for any length of time is my music, my guitar and my quest for my personal truth. I'm fickle in other things. Interestingly, my mother bores me the least. She fascinates me. She surprises me everyday with her non-othordox behavior. Whenever I expect my mother to be upset by people, or me, she never is. She has her moments, but she is very true to herself, that woman. She has matured very swimmingly. (Look at me sounding as if I'm older than my mother!)

Anyway, I am going to end it right here. I'm going to go to sleep and prepare myself for this day where I shall try to do something interesting. Hopefully, I can be inspired to find something new in life. I seldom get bored with my own company, but it has been known to happen so yes... I sometimes even bore myself. Ugh! I can't win.

Cheers Y'all.
Yes, that is all.

V
xoxo