My head is filled with all sorts of polar emotions (not bipolar, ok? Sheesh!). At one end of the spectrum, I am a little bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my life isn't as ecstatic as I would like it to be. I am bitter and annoyed at all the inauthentic people I can't seem to forgive for their fear of being themselves. I am bitter at the useless fact that I missed Modern family a couple of days ago. I am bitter and annoyed and I want to just spit at everyone and look at all these poor excuses for humans from my self-righteous vantage point and say, "I hope 2012 is true because of people like you, because you need to be exterminated!"
On the other side of the spectrum, I am very neutral; not too happy but not sad either. I'm just beige or vacuous, sort of like the calm of the eye of a storm - calm but misleadingly so. Hmmm...
It has come to my attention that I am craving stimuli from life in general, hence my general distaste for people's behaviors. I am bored with humans and this feeling is alarming because if I am bored with humans, what on Earth is going to offer me a challenge, or a surprise? Actually, it is not that people are fake that annoys me. Being fake is what it is, not good or bad, I suppose. The problem is that people are so damn predictable! Yes... It's as if I am living amongst The Stepford Wives or amongst robots! When most people speak, I can only think "I knew it!" Am I the only one feeling like this, I wonder? Is this how it feels to be jaded?
Honestly, I don't know whether it is a keen intuition or the predictability of humans that I am going through but people are so easy to read. Their facades are so weak. I mean... give me a challenge for God's sake! Surprise me and do something I don't expect! Stop being a sheep in society and stand up for your individuality and shine, for F**** Sakes!. You are a unique and beautiful, human being... Or at least that is how you were meant to be. So, why on Earth are you settling for being like someone else? Worse, why on Earth are you settling for being as people expect you to be? Isn't it offensive that your behavior is clear to me before it is clear to you? Ugh! I'm not the smartest person on Earth, and I might be fairly smart but it is definitely nothing to write home about. So, isn't it offensive for you that an average mind like mine can just read you because you are acting within the box? Shame on you!! Shame on F***en YOU! Because of you lukewarm people, I have resorted to acting outrageously just so that I can feel some thrill from living! I have literally done everything I fear (short of having sex without a condom), due to how boring you humans are. Even if I were to have unprotected sex, what would excite me there? A pregnancy scare? I don't think so. So, what next? Should I ask to be abducted for human trafficking? Or, should I walk at night butt naked and get raped? Oh wait! I would expect that, so no... even that would bore me. Don't tell me to smoke, drink, do drugs and have sex. That's nothing! Sex is natural/normal and the other things are boring!
Or, maybe I should just drink and drug myself to oblivion. There's nothing as exciting as a weak etheric body, what with insecurities, physical ailments and psychological problems to keep a person busy. Yeah, maybe I should just mess myself up for entertainment purposes. Maybe I need to be occupied by hangovers, drug runs in the middle of the night when I run out of my stash, and temper/anger problems - which all comes with a weak etheric body. Yes... I need to dumb myself down to find this world interesting.
Then again, they say that you see in others what you see in yourself, so then this means that I am the boring one. Okay, I know that I am boring in the worldly sense, as in I am not interested in a lot of things that interest others, hence I am deemed boring. Like, seriously, the only thing that has kept my attention for any length of time is my music, my guitar and my quest for my personal truth. I'm fickle in other things. Interestingly, my mother bores me the least. She fascinates me. She surprises me everyday with her non-othordox behavior. Whenever I expect my mother to be upset by people, or me, she never is. She has her moments, but she is very true to herself, that woman. She has matured very swimmingly. (Look at me sounding as if I'm older than my mother!)
Anyway, I am going to end it right here. I'm going to go to sleep and prepare myself for this day where I shall try to do something interesting. Hopefully, I can be inspired to find something new in life. I seldom get bored with my own company, but it has been known to happen so yes... I sometimes even bore myself. Ugh! I can't win.
Yes, that is all.