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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Love Makes A Comeback

Venusian balance
Dearest Reader,

Wow! I have been in the worst rut of my life these past few years, especially these last few months. Fortunately, the stars and gods are on my side, and they hurled me out of the pit of nothingness and landed me right on familiar, exotic and beautiful ground.

Yes, I am not dating anymore by choice. I am not interested in the drama of men and their issues, but it doesn't mean that I can't admire, marvel and daydream, does it? I think it's all I can do, to be honest. I don't mind either. I find it quite refreshing and quite free.

The object of my affections is someone I have known since I was a kid. This makes me happy because it means that I am instantly relaxed about it. To top it all off, he is very similar to me. We share memories, friends and experiences. It is perfect except for a few challenges which I won't dwell on quite yet.

I will leave it right there. In the next blog, I hope to update you on work related things. For now though, I am going to go to sleep. I will have him as the last thought before I pass out and I hope he shall be the first thing I think of when I wake up because his mental image is nothing short of total pleasure and excitement.

To those who I once desired. It is over. A new dude is on my mind, and I like it because he is actually a good guy who respects me as I do him. It could be a brief and passing phase, but all I know is that I shall enjoy these new feelings with gusto and vitality, as I always do.

Good night.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Lover and Loved.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Why I Don't Watch Sad Movies!

Dearest Reader,

So, I watched Mystic River for the first time today and I blew a gasket on twitter, ranting about how abuse and past trauma's are no reason to be an abuser too. *rolls eyes* I hate this part of my personality. I am sick and tired of it. It bores me so much! I am so sick and tired of preaching and being self-righteous just because I didn't become like my abusers as well as not being a victim of my circumstance. I mean, big deal, right? I am sure there are plenty of people who have overcome their tough past. The problem is, when I get that trigger, like experiencing injustice or seeing a movie which shows such things, I just lose it.

I don't lose it violently. I don't lose it physically, but my blood starts pumping fast, my head starts feeling as if it is about to spin. Basically, I become angry, and now although calm, I am suffering for the anger by having indigestion. Great! I hate having an upset tummy. It says a lot though. It means that I was very angry because I don't or can't show anger on my face, or by the the tone of my voice, but I feel it in symptoms that follow, like having a headache, having an upset tummy and sometimes by having a panic attack.

This is why I don't watch upsetting movies. People are genuinely surprised when I say that I only watch comedies, chick-flicks, science-fiction and fantasy films. I will dabble in some thrillers, but I don't mess with horror, dramas and stories that have to do with racism, slavery and so on. If I am going to watch a movie, it must inspire awe, wonder or fluffy girly feelings, or else I can't be bothered. Why am I watching movies about murders, rapes, molestations, racism and general hardship when I have lived it? Yes, so please, I will not be watching Amistad, Cry The Beloved Country, and all that stuff. If I knew that Mystic River was going to fuck me over like this, I wouldn't have watched it. The movie was good, but I hate it.

Now, I am sitting here, after midnight, just having gulped a shitload of antacid, contemplating taking a headache pill and wondering when I will calm down before I can be peaceful and sleep.

You see, these painful movies just trigger all the pain I have ever felt, from small hurts to big hurts. I start remembering every dickhead I have ever come across, and I start rehashing the past which shouldn't be affecting my present. Then, I end up here, drained as fuck, wondering why I watched that dreaded movie, and wishing someone can deliver some comfort food like ice-cream. But wait, with being lactose intolerant and with having an upset tummy from being over emotional, I realize that even ice-cream wouldn't help the situation.

The worst thing about thinking about my past is the danger of going into a pity party about it. I detest feeling sorry for myself. I really do. I was beginning to, then I decided to stop that nonsense. My music is a huge trigger of pain. The fact that I have not achieved my objectives concerning my music is the only thing that makes me unhappy. It is something I think about daily. It is something that eats at my soul. So, when I feel sorry for myself, I always end up at my music, whining about "not being given a chance" and complaining about those who stand in my way asking too much of me because I can't have sex with people for money or my career because of my relationship with sex. Then, I bitch and moan, saying, "Why can't I just be judged on merit alone?" and "Why do they close doors for you if you won't fuck them?" or "I might never be successful in music because I only desire to have sex for pleasure and/or love because sex was cheapened in my life through abuse and rape for me to choose to cheapen it by doing it for business."

Then, I cry.

Fuck!

I wish I was one of those people who can have meaningless sex, or have sex when I don't want to. I would be far.

See... I don't want to think this way. It is victim mentality. My only hope is to fall in love with someone in the music industry so that I can have sex with him while he opens doors for me. Otherwise, I will be grumbling about this for quite some time.

In the meantime, I will do work that doesn't require for me to whore myself.

Who would have thought that being successful in music one has to be a prostitute? I didn't know this going into the music industry. I was truly naive. I had no idea. If I knew, I would have tried to love something else other than music. But, it is a choice that I made to not succumb to the pressure of being a whore for my craft. I can do anything else, just not sex. I can probably slit the throat of a cuddly animal before I have sex for money or music.

That's when I call myself an idiot for being idealistic.

Then I reprimand myself for calling myself names.

Then I cry.

Then I sleep and hope for a better new day.

All this from watching a sad movie. So, I avoid them like the plague. Sad movies are a bad trigger for my demons, especially if the sadness comes from rape, war, murder, poverty, abuse of any sort, etc.

Sad movies trigger a pity party and take my power away. I don't like feeling powerless and defeated. I don't like feeling at the mercy of my past or circumstance. I don't like feeling that I am being picked on, bullied and trated unfairly because I ask, "Why are people always treating me badly?" and then I open up a can of worms where I do a mental chronological inventory of how I was cheated out of happiness in my life.

Watching sad movies are for people who have no sadness in their lives. It makes me wonder when the struggle will stop of if it ever will for me. It makes me wonder why I am not drinking and taking drugs. It makes me wonder why I am alive if this is what my life has to offer? And, I can't! I just can not! I like and prefer smiling, laughing and being in high and good spirits. Watching sad movies is intentionally depressing myself, which is problematic and twisted.

So, now, I am going to take a paracetamol, lie back in bed and hope I fall asleep because I am tired of being a hot mess today. Tomorrow I will wake up better. I am sure. I need a break from this reality so sleep would be good, but with insomnia, I am not holding my breath.

Ciao

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!
Woe, Alone and Weird!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A Just God, Saturn.

The planet Saturn
Dearest Reader,

These days I must be such a darling for astrology lovers because I am blogging about it a lot. I apologize to those I have sidelined because of this. I am just like that. I have many interests and they are not necessarily from the same part of town. I would also like to apologize about the lack of pictures. They refuse to load. :(

Transiting Saturn is entering my 1st house and today it is exact conjunct my Ascendant, which means that I am a Scorpio Rising gal (with Pluto Rising too, by the way), and many fear Saturn because it ruins people's lives apparently, but I love Saturn. I have not always loved it because when one first learns about astrology, all one hears are horror stories of how Saturn did them wrong, but in my experience, Saturn is not bad. Saturn is a corrector of wrongs, and a guide into what benefits us, and so, yes, Saturn can be quite depressing if you have been going the "wrong" direction.

"You're redefining your image right now, and your social world is changing. Don't worry if it seems that you have fewer friends, or if you feel alone with those who remain. The times they are a changin'. "

 If you fear change, if you fear being alone, if you fear the unknown and if you fear hard work and thankless work, I can see how you can complain about Saturn, but if like me, all you've ever known is being alone, living in uncertainty, working hard and not getting instant gratification, this can be quite an ordinary time.

I like this Saturn transit for one main reason: it improves things for the better. Even though it may happen in an uncomfortable way, the situation and one's circumstances do change for the better in the long run. Saturn is about the bigger picture, and so changes that occur contribute to this. If health problems come up because of Saturn, it is so you can change you bad habits, and do right by your body. If break ups occur, it is so that you can work on yourself to be a stronger human being. I like Saturn because he is weak in my chart. I am very scatterbrained, I am easily bored and I can't keep my mind on one thing for too long before I space out, or see something else that interests me. So, Saturn in my first and conjunct my Ascendant means that I now have the ability to not only start things as seen in the past, but I now can finish what I started.

I have many things that I have started in my life that have not come into fruition, from work, to career, to relationships and to mental space. Now, I can make things happen, thanks to Saturn. I may not get rewarded for these things now, but I will now have completed works to show. I may not have the recognition I think I deserve but now I will have material to show why I deserve to be recognized. This is a beautiful transit if you allow it to be. I am not just excited about finishing things that I have started, but I am excited for the day that I can say that my hard work paid off.
Saturn, The God Who Reaps Our Harvest

Saturn gives us satisfaction for what we have achieved. That is why, things that Saturn rewards us with last. Saturn gives us rewards because we deserve them by showing commitment, by limiting our pleasures to get what we desire and by being disciplined, even to the extent of losing friends, in order to achieve what we desire. Those types of achievements last because they are a result of blood, sweat and tears, and that is the only reward I desire, i.e. one that lasts; not fly by night rewards.

"Relocating is perhaps the most common [result]. The dissolution of old friendships and the formation of new ones also occurs. A change in employment or the start of a new interest may develop. You may decide to seriously pursue an area that you have always had an interest in, but never seriously pursued."

 One of the things that I have been desiring intensely is to have a hot body, hot enough to have on magazine covers. The desire for such is half vanity and half health reasons. I treasure being healthy, and I also treasure aging at a healthy rate. I have had no discipline whatsoever to workout, until recently. I now have a personal trainer who teaches me boxing and I also do a lot of physical work through swimming and power walking when I am not training. I know that with this transit, I shall achieve my desired body image. I just know. Even as I type this, my body is a bit sore from working out, and now, I feel guilty if a day goes by without some sort of physical exercise. This is what I have dreamt of for some time, and now it is coming to pass.

Secondly, I have recently entered the acting world, and so having a banging body is work now. It is work I don't mind doing. It is work that will take a few months to see bare results, and it is work that might take even longer to make profitable.

I am also half way through my autobiography. This I am going to complete with pleasure. I think I have collected enough drama now to sit in the house and write. After that, the book SHALL be published because Saturn rewards hard, useful work.

Saturn Glyph
There are other things that are in the pipeworks that require me to knuckle down and get down and dirty to get the fulfillment I crave. Last, but certainly not least, for years now I have been thinking about moving to Europe. The time is ripe for a fresh, new start. Going to Europe would not just be a lovely change of scenery, but it would also be a very strategic move to make for my music.

Therefore, as you can see, transiting Saturn is on the money. All the changes that are occurring in my life are being supported by Saturnine energy. It is a dull time for people with no vision, but for a visionary like me, it is an exciting time to be alive. I will see myself change right before my eyes. I will see my plans starting to take form and manifest into reality. The element of reality that has been missing in my life has finally come. I welcome it with thanks and joy.

"Your inspirations and original ideas take concrete form now. This is a very positive time when the opportunity to do the things that you love presents itself. You feel freed from restrictions and obstacles, and your creative abilities are very strong."


 I have been waiting for the harvest for a long time now. I have been even looking for the right mate to have when I start having the things I dream of become reality. I have been shopping in my mind for a very long time, doing the anti-Saturn thing, and putting myself out there, taking risks and being totally erratic because I knew that this time is coming. Now, as I type this, I know who is in my life and I know who isn't. During Saturn's run in my 12th house, I made it a point to make such things clear to me. I am also quite clear about who my friends are, who my enemies are, who my supporters are and who my naysayers are. I have put many people through a lot of difficulty trying to achieve this. I have been disappointed to see many people leave my life through my time of pruning, but it was necessary because I knew that this day was coming.

If you know what it means to be a Scorpio AC, Mars, Jupiter, Ceres and Eros, you will understand that I was being deliberately reckless, speculative, daring and transparent about who I am so that those who don't belong with me can leave, and those who have a natural affinity with me could remain. I have read my chart for years to come, until 2017 to be exact, and yes, transiting Saturn in Scorpio, in my 1st house has been awaited since 2007. It's like Christmas for me. A tough Christmas.

"Almost any endeavor, whether it be writing, art, music, science, etc., benefits from this astrological influence. You can make great strides in the development of technique. You have excellent control and discipline, without being too rigid; for example, musicians can give brilliant performances under this astrological influence."


So, to conclude, I will say the following: Never underestimate the power of desire. Never underestimate the power of affirmations. Never underestimate the power of the mind. Plant seeds (Mars), listen to your desires (Venus), take risks (Jupiter) and be bold (Sun) about what you desire because you just might get it. Saturn is what they are describing when they say "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it." because Saturn gives you your deepest desires, and our deepest desires are not very glamorous or easy to attain. Being really happy takes a lot of humility, which is not easy to come by as a human. Power comes with lots of responsibilities which are not easy to fulfill. Peace comes with a lot of sacrifices which are not easy to make. We all wish to be happy, but when happiness presents itself to us, we don't take it because we didn't understand that it was such serious business to be happy. This is what Saturn means. This is what Saturn gives. He gives you exactly what you desire, and he doesn't care whether it is fun getting it. All he cares about is that you be very pleased once you reach the acme and summit of your dreams by destroying all the bad habits, thoughts, and relationships that kept you away from your Nirvana.

Saturn is that teacher that you hated because they were hard on you, but is now the teacher you are most thankful to because you gained a valuable skill through being pushed. Those who know me will tell you that I have a thirst and an insatiable desire to learn and understand things that I do not know. I am pleased attain skills that make me a better human being, by making me wiser. Who, better than Saturn, can give my life meaning and practicality? No one but Saturn. 

Thank You,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!

More On Saturn Tranists 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dearest Reader,

I am having trouble sleeping. My throat is sore. I am very tired. If I am tired, I should sleep, right? Well, insomnia doesn't work like that. Insomnia is a mind game, and if the mind has more will over your desire to sleep, you will remain awake, thinking, obsessing, revisiting issues, places and people. You will spend it worrying about life in general. You can go from thinking of a lost opportunity for love, to a lost opportunity for work. The thoughts just whoosh about in the mind, giving me no rest, and making me jittery instead of restful.

Today, I had a lovely day overall. In fact, it was a physically demanding day. I had an intense workout session with my personal trainer and did boxing and circuit. I did everything from jabbing, uppercuts to left hooks. Then I did push ups, sit ups, crunches and even planking. It was grueling, but as soon as the hour was over, and after I cooled down, I felt the angst return again. Therefore, I jumped into the pool. I swam laps while also making sure that I am exercising my upper body. By the time I had had enough of swimming, it was 2 hours later. My finger tips were wrinkled and I was shivering a bit.

Still, the physical exercise was not enough. I needed to do more. I thought of taking a walk, but I thought that maybe I was overworking myself, so after taking a shower, I spent another hour playing the guitar, which put me under some trance. But, soon, my fingers couldn't take the metallic strings, and so I had to give up playing the guitar against my desires. I needed more. I needed something else to occupy me physically because I am literally tired of thinking. I have had it with thinking and doing calculations of this and that.

Therefore, I went to work. I opened up my PC, and read my emails for the first time today. I sent emails, responded to some and deleted a whole lot of them. The point is, nothing is giving me that place of peace and rest right now. I am hormonal and the pressure is mounting, not decreasing, so the angst, antsy and restless behavior is going to persist for a few days.

During all of this, I managed to make dinner, remove my nail polish, and think about doing the washing.

I hate this feeling.

Being incredibly tired but not tired enough to pass out is not fun. I know what's encouraging this thought. I have too much stimuli of my senses. The tv is on. The PC is on. My eyes are opened. My ears are not plugged. So, after I post this, I am going to get myself some fruit because I hungry again. Then I am going to switch off most of my senses and hope to God that I sleep. I am not entirely sleep deprived. The last time I slept, the duration of the slumber was 4 hours of interrupted sleep, which is better than no sleep.

I hope I can fall asleep now and wake up in 12 hours, but that won't happen. The cleaning lady will make a racket, waking me up prematurely with the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Alternatively, someone will call me at 8am because they wouldn't be aware that I just fell asleep. I am going to try though to fill my stomach so that I can have that sleepiness that one gets from eating, and hope that this feeling, plus the anti-histamines that I have taken do some magic and let me go to sleep.

Earth is holding me hostage and I am fed up. I desire to go to the astral now and rejuvenate like normal people. I would like to have some dreams that are fun to have. I would like to wake up refreshed like normal  people instead of the zombie I look like right now.

But enough complaining. Let me post and prepare for sleep.

Thank You for reading.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Winner, Renowned!


 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Astrology For Lovers: Part 1

Dearest Reader,

After all my crushes, relationships and partnerships come to an end, I always do a postmortem astrology reading about what could have been, or what was responsible for the end, through relationship charts such as Synastry charts and Composite charts as seen below. It helps fill the void when I have nothing to hold on to. I actually read charts to fall asleep. It's not that they are boring. I guess it is because they are therapeutic and slightly tedious, with all the detail needed to read one.

Below is our Composite Interpretation, Me and Mr. La Douche..

Please Note: Anything about astrology tells us of possibilities, not absolutes. For example, these aspects were never given a chance to manifest because the situation never came for them to come about. Also, some people are more mature than the astrological chart, therefore they bypass the negative energies and handle them with love, tolerance and understanding. Truth be told, relationships with harder aspects have survived and flourished because the people involved were committed to make it work. What astrology does is just tell you possible things that might come up and need addressing.

The interpretations below are taken from Astro.com using their Astro Click Partner free tool. You can go there too and play around with it.

Sun Conjunct Ascendant  
The conjunction of the composite Sun and the Ascendant signifies a relationship that is likely to have a considerable impact on its surroundings. It may be that you are simply a striking pair of people who impress others easily without making any special effort to do so. But it may also be that the two of you are trying to make an impact on those around you for reasons of your own. You are not likely to bow to social pressures. The most important point about this relationship is that it will have considerable integrity. You will be true to yourselves, and that will certainly help to win you the admiration of others.

Moon Conjunct Mars  
The conjunction of composite Moon and composite Mars indicates that you arouse very strong feelings in each other, but by itself it does not indicate whether they are good or bad feelings. In a love relationship, for example, this aspect indicates that you will have a very strong emotional involvement. The relationship will probably stir up both positive and negative emotions in both of you.

If your relationship is basically good, you will simply experience a heightened emotional involvement, although with a greater tendency to quarrel. But if your relationship is not otherwise very sound, it will be destroyed by the fighting that this aspect produces. One of the strong points of this aspect is that in a sexual relationship it creates a good deal of sexual energy.


Mercury Conjunct Ascendant  
The conjunction of composite Mercury and Ascendant signifies a relationship in which communication and shared ideas are very important. Fortunately, you are not likely to fall into rigid patterns of behavior in this relationship. The two of you will seek as many varied experiences as possible, but you will tend not to go into any of them very deeply. Shallowness is the most negative characteristic of Mercury. Although you may cover a lot of ground in your experiences together, you often only skim the surface Do not let superficiality deprive the two of you of deep emotional experiences together.


Venus Square Uranus  
With the square of Venus and Uranus in the composite chart, you can confidently expect the unexpected. A relationship can flare up and then die with incredible speed. Indeed, if you are looking for a quiet, reliable, long-term association, this is probably not it.

A relationship with this aspect is destroyed usually because one of the people tries to hold on to something within it. This makes the other person feel trapped and rebellious about the restrictions.
Often a relationship like this has something very unusual about it and may even fly in the face of social convention. Many extramarital affairs have this aspect or a similar one. In a way, the relationship lives because of this forbidden quality. If you break off your old relationships in favor of one such as this, you will discover that making it legitimate has taken away the "zing" of unconventionality. The two of you lose interest in each other, and the affair dies.

In its own terms, a relationship with this aspect is usually successful in one way or another. But if you want it to be long-lasting, you must operate from a very unstructured and open position with a minimum of restrictions.

Venus Sextile Pluto  
Venus sextile Pluto in the composite chart is an intensely transforming aspect, but it works in an undemanding way. The basic significance of this aspect is that your relationship will change the ways you think about the world, as well as changing your personal objectives. You both will be changed by the relationship, but you may not be aware of the process as it is happening. The only thing you will notice is that your feelings will have a depth that is not often found in a relationship.

Even a friendship with this aspect will have a greater sense of emotional involvement than usual.
In a sexual relationship the qualities of this aspect become especially evident. The whole relationship, and particularly the physical part of it, becomes a way of transcending the ordinariness of life.
Do not treat this relationship lightly, but do not be afraid of it either. It can be particularly rewarding.

Venus Sextile Saturn  
Venus sextile Saturn in a composite chart will have a certain restraining effect upon a relationship, ranging from a lasting sense of distance between you to a restrained but otherwise very affectionate bond. A love relationship with this aspect may be more durable than most, but both of you would approach it with a sense of duty as well as enjoyment. If this is a marriage, this aspect might make you stay together for the sake of the children or some such reason, when other couples would have split up. If there is affection between you, it is quiet and without fanfare; in fact, you may not show it overtly at all. In a business or professional relationship this aspect favors such endeavors as commercial art and practical design work of all types.

Venus Trine Neptune  
The trine of composite Venus and Neptune indicates a highly idealized relationship. If this a love affair, it is a very romantic one; if it is a friendship, you probably idealize each other's attributes. This relationship may also stimulate great creativity in one of you, enabling you to write poetry or music.

Venus and Neptune together mean the beautiful illusion. In a trine, however, the word "ideal" might be more appropriate than "illusion." Even so, you must try to stay in touch with the everyday world. Like many other configurations of Neptune, this aspect is often characterized by a platonic relationship. If there is physical sex, it is highly idealized.Your relationship should actually be quite beautiful and pleasant, but in order for it to exist successfully in the material world, you cannot spend all your time in the ideal world of your dreams.

Mars Square Uranus  
A personal relationship with this aspect is most likely to be successful if you have few expectations for it. With the square of Mars and Uranus in your composite chart, the two of you are especially impatient of objectives that "must" be attained. This relationship will take its own course.

This is not an especially good aspect if you hope to establish some type of permanent bond. Nor is it very good for a business relationship, for example, in which there are definite objectives to be gained. Such a relationship is not impossible, but you must allow a great deal of room for the unexpected and for sudden change. Almost certainly there is something here that goes against social convention. If that fact restricts either of you, it will be even more difficult. On the positive side, one thing is certain. If you are looking for a stimulating relationship that will bring something new into your world, this is it. Just give yourselves room to move. 

I love doing this when a relationship ends, just to look at what could have been had circumstances agreed.

Yours Dreamily,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Lover, Loved!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Rage: An Eye For An Eye?

Dearest Reader,

Rage.
I am a student of life. I don't go about thinking I know it all because I don't. I have so much to learn, even though I have gained a sizable amount of understanding thus far on my life journey. I learn most by observing myself than I do by observing others, although I do observe others too. From my study of the self, I have learned that I am the most damaged, most beautiful and most godly being that I have ever had the chance to get close to. Due to this knowing of myself, I have come to recognize the same in others, and my life thus far has been about sharing that with others, and being sensitive to that fact in others. All I truly desire in life is to show people what I have seen and that they can see it too. This has not been easy because many do not desire to see what I have seen. They just claim to, but when given the chance to see it, they never take that chance.

I am my biggest critic. I am my biggest observer, developer and biggest supporter of self. I know that if I don't look after myself, no one will. I am constantly watching my thoughts, and I don't push them away through distractions by filling my days with too many unnecessary activities like avoiding to be on my own by partying a lot, having sex with multiple partners, and being always occupied by things that won't be there when I die. I spend most of my time with myself because I think I am the biggest achievement. I am my biggest project. I am my most important task.

I have come to learn that through experience. I know my capabilities and I certainly know what I can or can not do. I know what is within my power and what isn't. I know that I am in a place where constant thought monitoring is NOT an option, where my actions reflect on who I am, where my desires tell me where I am mentally or spiritually. Right now, my desires tell me that, the more I get taken for granted, the more I am not heard, the more I am disrespected, the more I am mistreated, I am going to explode! And, to be honest, the explosion is probably a good thing for me. So, I see no reason why I shouldn't just go on blast and lose it!

When I was younger, I behaved as if I hated myself. I attracted situations and things that hurt me, and basically, I would like to steer away from such today. I do steer clear of abusive people, abusive substances or abusive environment most times, but sometimes I fail. I really have developed an appreciation for myself. I don't like putting myself through bad experiences anymore. All I really desire is to be filled with love, joy and gladness. Therefore, knowing my actions were once countering my desires before made me very self aware now, so that when I do such again, I can quickly and swiftly change my trajectory and go back to LOVE.

Astrology speaks the truth!
For the last few months, I have been attracting a bunch of people that made my life something I didn't want it to be. Attracting and befriending a pair of working girls (prostitutes) who came with the guise of goodness then who later turned out to be awfully selfish and inconsiderate. Then, I developed feelings for a man who was also awfully rude, ill-mannered and unapologetically disrespectful. Then I am dealing with another who is disrespecting me by trying to make me his other woman. All these things piss me off. Then, because of the two ladies of the night, I got painted with the same brush as they and got myself misrepresented. And, as for the guy, I also got misrepresented there being sworn at in public amongst other things. Okay, people are rude. It is not about me, right? I don't know! Maybe I have something about me which says, "treat me like shit and take advantage of my friendliness because I am an idiot".

What makes me unhappy is that, if I could, I would like to have these people in my life because they seem like fun, save for the fact that they mistreated me. In all cases, I have given these people a chance to make amends for the wrongs that I feel were bestowed upon me. In each case, the people involved didn't want to make amends and acknowledge how they affected me. I never give up on people on first attempt, so trust me when I say, that I have tried to see them differently. They refused to be seen as anything but selfish, hateful and disrespectful people, and so, it is clear that we are on different sides of the fence.

The issue is not them only, though. The bigger issue is that, if given a chance, and these people humble themselves and admit or acknowledge how they have affected me, I would welcome them back in my life with open arms. This is a problem because it means that I am the type of woman, it seems, who can take a lot of beatings. I allow abuse on myself it seems.

I am also caught in a cross roads because, since these people have shown such blatant disregard for me, I suppose that I can do the same, right? I can just hurt them as much as they have hurt me, and teach them that being vulnerable around certain people can reap very unpleasant circumstances, as they have showed me, right? I can betray their trust too, right? I know I am being manipulative now, that I am threatening these people to make amends with me or else I will hurt them. I am basically forcing them to make things right now because they can't or won't do it on their own. I am now exerting my will on them, in a way. Yes, this is how low I have stooped! Those girls have children and I could hurt them as much as they hurt me by just simply showing the world who they are without their pseudonyms to their families and friends. Or I could just tell the world exactly how much this man treated me by speaking about it to everyone who is willing to listen. I am totally capable of it all. The only thing stopping me is that I desire amends more than war.

That's hurt. It makes people very manipulative, vengeful and cruel. It is not a good color on me but what gives people the right to just treat me badly and not make it right? Why must I be the one who is the bigger person? Why must I keep their dignity in tact to the world when they didn't to my dignity? It is not fair. And, I tried my best to make peace in order to tame my rage. It didn't work. So, now I have decided to go internally. I have decided to just stop dating completely. I have stopped the whole sex game too and I am being celibate. I have decided to not make new friends too. I am going internal to get my inner ninja ready or calm. It is clear though that I need silence. I need to think. I need to be able to be accountable for whatever I do next.

People don't understand how rare it is to be allowed in my private place. Then they abuse it. Then I get mad. Then I give them a chance to make things right. Then they refuse it. Then I am left asking myself what I should do. An eye for an eye? Turn the other cheek? I have learnt to let go of an issue without having the person who "caused" it, fix it. It would seem as if I am as vengeful as some claim.

When I am about to explode, or when I am about to make people feel my wrath, I usually take a time out and retreat. I don't want to do something I will regret. But, after my retreat, I hope I don't feel like settling the score because I feel very wronged, and ignored still. And one thing about me is that, I WILL BE HEARD! Words are my domain. I am tired of being in this position, asking myself why I put myself in such a position as to feel this way. I am also tired of people taking advantage of the fact that "She wouldn't do that?" even though they did it to me. I am quite pissed still, even more now since I even humbled myself to make sure that I don't hurt them, and still, NO REMORSE! Okay... They think I am trying to make peace to benefit me. How wrong they are. Sure, making peace means I stop being angry, but they probably have more to gain with having a happy me than I.
Well...

And, yes, when I offer an olive branch and it is not taken. That's a declaration of war in my books, so without going into a war that I might lose, I shall retreat and think things through. These people don't deserve to have their dignity in tact when they tore mine apart. I don't let people get away with walking all over me and treating me badly, and it is not personal. Unless the person is remorseful, I will wash my hands of anything that I shall do next. The fact that I am warning them in this blog means I still care. If I was evil, I would surprise them with an assault, but I really don't want to go there.

I am tired of people treating me unfairly, badly, disrespectfully and thinking it is okay. It is NOT! Absolve yourself now or await for whatever carnage I shall unleash on you ALL! Maybe I needed this to snap so that I can just make everyone pay for disrespecting me. And when I feel like doing something, I do it, so imagine how hard it is for me to hold myself back. For what? Why am I holding myself back? These people don't give a shit about me. So, why should I? In essence, if anything is coming, they deserve it all.

Your pride will be your downfall, you people. Just humble yourself and all this goes away. 

V

Friday, November 16, 2012

A Death Of Love Letter

Dearest Reader,

Put on the left of the page because the page is my body
I am sad that I can no longer ignite my desires for him. This is good, I suppose because it feels like a natural progression. It is not forced. There is no other way it can go but end.

He was the wood to my fire, and my fire has not been fed. I'm sad that the fire is dying because it felt so good to desire him. It felt so good to think of him, to smile by merely thinking of him, to have my dreams take a new direction because of him.

Unfortunately, I have done all that is in my power to sustain my fire for him. I'm out of fuel. For the fire to remain, he would have to light it again, but I don't think he knows how to. I also sadly admit that he doesn't desire to keep this fire burning.

Either way, I have accepted my lot. Finally, things are out of my hands. It was lovely to be inspired by him, excited by him and to feel love because of him. It was delicious to crave him, and it was intoxicating to fantasize about him. It was ecstasy to have my desires be a possibility. It was an absolute pleasure to cross paths with a being that was able to reach the deepest recesses of my being by awakening euphoria and great despair.

People that don't matter can't hurt us, and so naturally because he mattered, I got hurt. And, looking in retrospect, it was a pleasure to actually be less self-absorbed and actually think of another as equally as I think of myself. It was refreshing to wish and hope for the best for another, a stranger, making me experience godliness by exposing my magnanimity.

I love passion, and this is why I am sad. The passion is fading. I can't sustain passions and fires for one who doesn't help me sustain it, and because of this, this moment was inevitable.

This is the death of a beautiful fire.

Unless he awakens it, and does something to refuel it. Oh, how I wish and pray he would, but I fear he doesn't desire to awaken it. I fear my wishes and hopes are lost in a dark abyss and are unheard. I fear...

No, I am not afraid. I am just sad. I am just sad that I finally get it. He was never going to keep this fire burning with me, was he?

V

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Day Before Good-Bye

Dearest Reader,

I think I'm going to live in Europe for a while. This is not a new thought. It is something that I have been fighting for fear of being viewed a traitor by my country men. The truth is, I don't really fit in here in South Africa. Apart from my friends and family who accept me as strange as I might be, I don't resonate with this country, from personal to professional life. I might change my mind, but I doubt there is anything that would keep me here any longer. I have been thinking about this move for more than 10 years, and each time I chose not to because I had personal things to take care of, including my family, my heritage, finding myself and so on.

me playing guitar at home
I have found myself as far as I am concerned. What I have found is not particularly wonderful, but I like it. Lot's of Europeans like it too. Africans though... I don't know... I am just not enough for my own country men. I am not enough musically, I am not enough as a woman and I am just not enough generally. Therefore, I think that "right time" to leave has finally arrived. It's time to live in my favorite countries, Switzerland or Austria. Yes, this feels right and the thought of it fills me with joy, and therefore, it seems like a good idea.

I consulted my Shaman friend, and she said the same thing too. She asked, "Why don't you just leave South Africa?" And, with an empty chuckle, I almost said, "You read my mind" but then realized that this would be somewhat redundant since she is a Shaman who is supposed to guide, validate and give people confidence to do what they desire the most.

I have no children. I have no serious relationship. I have no big binding contract that needs to be honoured. I am literally a free agent of the universe. I have no debt, I have no criminal record. I have absolutely nothing keeping me here. I have done all that I felt I needed to do as far as my love life, my family life, and my work life. You know what they say, "If you can't beat them, leave them and go somewhere where they can welcome you with open arms." Okay, they don't say that, but that is my current situation.

I have no commitments whatsoever. My heart is not bound by any man. My family is the only thing that I would regret leaving behind, but the honest truth is that, my family members are living their lives. I am the one sticking around either pretending that they need me, or pretending that my presence in their immediate surroundings means anything. The truth is, as it stands now, no one needs me here. I am not hurt by that. I am just stating a mere fact.

Due to that, I shall go where I am needed and desired, and fulfill my purpose of being one who communicates through the arts. I think the time is right now, and as of next week, I will begin with the arrangements. I just hope I don't change my mind along the line. I hope that I just do as I was supposed to do 6 years ago and leave.

Sunsets on Africa for me
So, as I fall asleep, after finishing this blog, I am going to contemplate whether I am truly ready to relocate for a while and just put this place and its people behind me because South Africa represents a lot of negativity to me. I need a fresh start. I desire a fresh start. I desire to be in a place where scorned people are not misrepresenting me by speaking falsely about me. I need to be in a place where I am judged not by petty consideration but judged by who I truly am. I am tired of living a life that is beneath my full potential. It is time to try and push the ante now, and go for my happiness.

All I desire is to be happy.

I can't be happy here. That is a fact.

So, today is the day when I actually accept this. And, after accepting it, I will have to do something about it. I am starting a new life somewhere else. I have failed to find happiness here. I have failed to find the type of success I desire here. Call it what you may. Say it is running away. Maybe it is. Whatever the case may be, naming it whatever you want to call it doesn't change the fact that it is my desire. I have lived for a long time in one place. This should please my enemies which I have been shown thanks to my Shaman friends. But, knowledge is power. Because I know the beast I am fighting against, I realize that due to my make-up and due to my desires, I can not find what I desire here.

Humans are highly damaged in South Africa, and so am I. The fact though is that I can not heal while I am a lobster in a barrel full of lobsters dragging me back in the bucket as soon as I make any progress to escape my hell on Earth.

My goal is to master my demons and destiny like Master Yoda.
Yes, I did say that I am giving this place one more bash before I leave it. In a few months, I would be happy to find myself in Switzerland or Austria. If I stay here any longer, this is the best I will ever be, and that is being not good enough for me. This place has spat me out due to my personality, dreams, goals, values and faults. I concede this temporary defeat. I plan on rebuilding though. I am resilient and I have longevity. I have an uncanny way of not fading forever, but of disappearing for a while to make myself stronger and more of a formidable opponent. Then, like a Pheonix, I rise from the ashes more brilliant then ever. That is what I shall make manifest, i.e leaving this place and the people who are not compatible with me.

With that, I say farewell.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

How To Use Astrology In Your Life...

Dearest Reader,

I have been looking at my astrological chart, checking what's happening with me that I might not be aware of, and what I see is quite juicy stuff, just the type of stuff I like. I enjoy drama, especially other people's dramas. I love watching life or people's lives and laughing as if I am watching a very realistic tv show. It is one of those times in my life, and although I won't confirm or deny whether what I observe is true or not, for the sake of preserving my privacy, I will share with you what certain transits signify. I hope you enjoy.

Brief Astrological Chart Reading For Veronnica Wolpendz for 11/11/2012

There are a few transits that standout in the chart and they are:

  1. Transiting Saturn conjunct Ascendant (advancing) 1 degree orb.
  2. Transiting Mercury conjunct natal Uranus (advancing) 2 degrees orb
  3. Transiting Venus conjunct natal Mercury (advancing) 0 degrees orb
  4. Transiting Venus conjunct natal Saturn (advancing) 5 degrees orb
  5. Transiting Mars sextile natal Pluto (advancing) 0 degrees orb
  6. Transiting Saturn sextile natal Venus (advancing) 2 degrees orb
  7. Transiting Pluto trine natal Venus (separating) 1 degrees orb
  8. Transiting Pluto sextile natal Ascendant (advancing) 2 degrees orb 

 Transiting Saturn conjunct Ascendant (advancing) 1 degree orb.

This aspect signifies a period of having a limited, controlled, disciplined and/or an image which is slightly if not completely introverted. This is a time for doing hard work, in private, quietly, and being under a strict environment or under some sort of underground image, looks and a time when a person is usually tired or drained due to this introverted activity. It is probably a time when a lot of work physically is done, work that is thankless yet work that shall reap rewards that shall last for ever. Saturn rewards hard work, and hard work contributed towards the body, image and the personality that the world sees is where Saturn shall reward the native, i.e. ME.

Transiting Mercury conjunct natal Uranus (advancing) 2 degrees orb
.
This signifies a period where the native (me) comes up with brilliant and out of the ordinary ideas. It also signifies communicating issues or subjects that are futuristic, revolutionary and quite different than usual. This is a short term transit.

Transiting Venus conjunct natal Mercury (advancing) 0 degrees orb

This transit signifies a time where the native (me) is not interested in heavy conversations. It usually signifies a time filled with talks of frivolity, decadence and laughs. It signifies a time for flirting too, or a time of charming people into buying what one is selling. It is like a transit that is a lot of fun, funny or romantic talks..

Transiting Venus conjunct natal Saturn (advancing) 5 degrees orb

This is a transit which signifies a time where hard work actually becomes fun. It is a time for Venus to liven things up with her spark to things that are usually dull and limiting. This can be a case of a relationship that was constrained or part of the personality that was too serious. What happens is that Venus adds a bit of her gregariousness and her romanticism to that dull, grey and sombre situation and makes the frustrating limitations into fun discipline.

Transiting Venus in the 12th House at 15 degrees Libra

This is a classic signifier of secret love. How this secret love is manifested is up to the native or the situation. To others it manifest as a brief secret affair. Others feel this by feeling secret emotions for someone. Others experience this by being a subject or victim of secret love like being someone's object of affection and not knowing it, or being cheated on by one's partner. Obviously, it depends on the person's life.

Transiting Mars sextile natal Pluto (advancing) 0 degrees orb

This signifies a period of high passions, passions that are not out of control though. Since it is a sextile aspect, it means that the native has to make an effort to let these passions come about. It doesn't just happen without the native's control as in the case of a trine or a conjunction. Therefore, there is an opportunity for a very passionate experience of high intensity for the native. It is up to the native and the environment whether the native can make manifest these passions or not. These passions are rejuvenating, and allow the native to get a new lease on life. It is a death of one passion and a healing of the being. Sometimes, the death is of the passion itself, transforming the native into a renewed sense of being through intensity that the native has made effort to utilize.


Transiting Saturn sextile natal Venus (advancing) 2 degrees orb

This transit signifies a cooling of frivolity, of overspending, of sexual activity and or a restriction of these things. The native finds oneself either able to finally control the appetite to eat a lot, the appetite to desire sex, and the discipline to control spending, making the life of the native, modest, sober and healthier. This is great time for the native to control their sexual appeal too, either by making it more or less. This can signify a diet, therapy or exercise regime which controls Venus related things like, money, food, drink, sex and beauty.

Transiting Pluto trine natal Venus (separating) 1 degrees orb


This signifies the beginning of the end of a really passionate time for the native, as the aspect is separating, signifying the ending of what happened previously. If the native was highly in love, highly gaining financially from intensity and even eating a lot, this means that the time of indulgence, intensity and obsession is at end. This is a transit that has lasted for over 2 years through transits of Pluto, but Pluto will no longer be in this position for the rest of the native's life. Most people get married, fall in love, or go through some transforming experience with the phenomenon of love. The separation means that this experience ends finally. Emotions are cooling down, intensity and obsessions about money, sex, beauty and decadence are ending.

Transiting Pluto sextile natal Ascendant (advancing) 2 degrees orb

This transit signifies great presence for the native. The native projects more power and intensity upon the world through the native's image, body and  health. The native can gain fame or infamy through this power. It usually means a great boost for the charisma of the person, where the person can not be avoided or denied in their path. It also signifies great intensity and passion about self-related matters such as image, body, and even the face of the native might get more intense. The native might represent something that has to do with the world of the inner humans such as psychology, occult, or anything that has to do with inner wealth and passions. This is when the native gets a reminder about how powerful they can be.

The End,

Your Star,

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. This is just an example of how I use astrology to take advantage of energies that I have at my desposal, while also finding ways to do damage control or circumventing obstacles. It is not rocket science, It is just reading a chart.

Oh, and the key is below so that you may know more if you are interested in the workings of astrology.


Key:

  • "Transiting" a transit - The movement of a planet in the sky
  • Conjunct - an aspect. a relationship between planets of 0 degrees apart from one another
  • Sextile - an aspect.  relationship between planets of 60 degrees apart from one another
  • Trine - an aspect.  relationship between planets of 129 degrees apart from one another
  • Advancing - The planet is moving towards the a certain aspect e.g. moving towards being trine to another planet
  • Separating - The planet is moving away from a certain aspect e.g. moving away from being trine to another 
  • planet
  • Degrees - a segment of a revolution made which makes a circle which comprises of 360 degrees.
  • Orb - The amount of degrees away from an aspect being exact, e.g. 62 degrees is 2 degrees orb of a sextile.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I'm so Intense. It is Frightening!

Dearest Reader,

I am going to be straight with you. I can easily be annoyed by people, but it doesn't come naturally to me to hate people, and anger is not very easy for me to maintain. I am just not designed in such a way that has the capacity to hold such negativity in my being because I get bored by holding on to any feeling for too long if the feeling is not pleasurable.

Lately, I have found that my only protection from being hurt is to hurt myself through feeling anger on purpose. You know how some people wake up and try to perk themselves up in order to get through the day. Well, I need to anger myself in order to avoid incurring more hurt and sorrow. Everyday, I wake up with no hate in my heart. I wake up with an open heart, an open mind and an open view to experiencing whatever I desire. Yes, I generally wake up with wonder, excitement and anticipation for the lovely laughs, smiles and swoons I am going to experience each day.

You see, as a generally happy person, my morning constitutes of sending messages to a number of people, just sending my greetings, and sharing stories about them if I dreamed of them. I am accustomed to not holding myself back when it comes to expressing good feelings for people, so I send emails, texts, make calls and contact people a lot in my life. I am always laughing that I even laugh in my sleep. I have, on numerous occasions, woken myself up cracking up with laughter.

Then, he comes into my mind, and in all honesty, every morning I forget that there is someone who I am not supposed to speak to because speaking to them is going to hurt me. So, for a few minutes, I have to restrict myself from sending that message of greeting when it comes to him, and remind myself that talking to him equals hurt and pain. The desire to share my good vibes is then with difficulty turned into feelings which will make me not desire to say hello to him. So, from smiling at the thought of him, I go through my "mantra" and remind myself of why I dislike him. I remind myself of how he doesn't deserve to be spoken to. I remind myself of how he hurt my feelings.  I remind myself of how he humiliated me. I remind myself of how I cried from disillusionment. I remind myself of each and every little detail of why saying hello to him will cause more damage to me than not saying hello, even if I desire to say hello.

I play with these dark thoughts in my head, kicking myself for being so easy on such a horrid person. I beat myself up and start calling myself pathetic for even thinking of him with any positivity, because although forgiveness if a virtue, it is quite painful when it makes me repeat my mistakes. Then, I cultivate the anger towards him. I build the hate, I relive every single bit of sadness that he triggered in me until I finally hate him again. I chant in my head how he has not even found me worthy of making amends with me. I remind myself that I mean nothing to him, that I am just a bitch, whore and prostitute, low-life for which he has no positive regard toward. I remind myself that he hates me and thinks I am dirt. I remind myself that he disrespects me. I remind myself that he finds me disgusting. I remind myself that I am filth to him to have been treated as such.

Then, like a volcano, my anger and disgust for him returns. It returns with a vengeance. I then finally cease to view him as any other human, and begin to view him as the disgusting, piece of scum that he should be, all so that I can not say hello to him, because saying hello to him will hurt me because I will be greeted back with some derogatory and hateful response. If I leave myself vulnerable of even neutral about him, I will get myself hurt again. I am certain that any civilized treatment of him will only result with me being spoken to like dirt. So, I have to condition myself to not view him as a civilized person. I have to dehumanize him constantly, in order to not find myself at my naive square one, bright-eyed and open-hearted, only to have a dagger pushed through my heart because he dehumanized me a long time ago.

I have to hurt myself every day, and sometimes more than once a day, in order to prevent myself from reaching out to him and hurting myself with his response or lack of. It's so ironic how hurting myself by cultivating anger where it no longer lives is the only way I can prevent myself from being hurt by him. I hurt myself because it is not easy for me to be this angry and hateful towards a person day in and day out. It is hard work. It is hard work that will pay off though. I didn't quit drinking, smoking and I didn't beat an addiction by luck. I beat every negative thing in my life by constantly reminding myself that current pain is worth future freedom. And I was right.

In time, I won't have to consciously be angry at him, just as in time, I didn't have to constantly be aggressively at war with substances in order to beat my cravings for them. I beat all things that hurt me by constantly reminding myself that the end result is happiness, and that I have to cultivate disgust and hatred for narcotics before I beat them. Today, I literally can't stand the smell of cigarettes (and alcohol too), whereas, for 2 years after quitting smoking, the smell was quite delicious and tempting. I was still finding pleasure in things that destroy me. I had to remind myself that all the discomfort, deprivation, limitations,  Berserker mentality was for a good reason. It was for my ultimate liberation.

Like a drug, I have to despise him. He, like drugs, and my fixation with him, were not doing any good for my life. None at all. It is uncomfortable to be angry every day, but anger, when it promotes life and happiness is GOOD. I am saying, "Enough is Enough, Veronnica! You can't do this to yourself anymore." And, the only way to let myself be free is to hate all that makes me unhappy. HATE! Not dislike, or frown upon. No. I have to HATE all things that take me away from my ultimate desires, I have to despise things that take me off my path of joy, because doing otherwise is not LOVING TO THE SELF.

Isn't it ironic that I have to be constantly angry in order to love myself these days.

I was so close to messaging him this morning. So close. Then I remembered that I hate things that take me away from my joy. Therefore, I shall not seek out things that take me away from my joy. I will despise them as they are the enemy to my salvation. Like bad food, bad friends, bad jobs and bad sex, I will despise things that take me away from my joy. The only things that I shall allow in my life are things that build me. He wasn't that. Drugs weren't that. Alcohol wasn't that. Cigarettes weren't that. Bad food was not that too. If it doesn't build me, strengthen me and puts a smile on my face, it is taking away from my god-given right to be happy.

I just thought it was interesting how anger is actually saving me some dignity, and I am grateful to it. Anger is not the bad guy that everyone make it to be. Anger saves lives, gives dignity and respect to those it is taken from, and builds esteem in the long run when one looks back and says, "I didn't allow myself that agony and I removed myself." It is unfortunate that it takes me very long to be angry and that anger doesn't naturally last to me, but there are ways to summon it.

I know when I wake up in the morning, I will be my happy and my giddy self, and I will desire to speak to him amongst many others, but I will not. Instead I will remind myself again how despicable he is. Unless he, and any other toxic person for that matter, changes and become a cause for me to smile, he will have to be a subject to my anger for me to distance myself from him in mind and soul. This is how abused women get out of abusive relationships, by the way. They have to forget the good about the person and just dwell on the negative to survive and not go back. They have to remind themselves everyday of why they left in the first place. Otherwise, they go back and get their asses whipped again. I am like the Jews. "Never again." Never again will I make myself so vulnerable to such negative conditions. Goodness! I don't desire to be those women who linger around where they are not respected. Never again.

I am sure this is small to him. But, little things go a long way when emotions are deep. It's not like he wants to make amends. He doesn't give a shit. He hasn't shown one ounce of remorse or regret. So, I can sacrifice a bit of happiness and be angry for a bit longer until I truly think little of him that I don't have urges to even want to greet him. In fact, I am ashamed of myself that I even desire to greet him. I am so disgusted in myself for trivializing something so huge.But, it is not my fault. I am just naturally inclined towards letting bygones be bygones. But I can't do that... I won't do that. Not this time.

I am intense. I have to be. Otherwise, I would be dead, or sucking dick to be liked, and feeling like a worthless peace of shit if I wasn't like this. Yeah, I'd be out there, trying to be liked and accepted by sacrificing my self-respect. It's not an easy person to be this, but it gets me the results I want. People may throw dirt on my name, and even hate me, but I always say that, they will respect me. And, when they have daughters, they will want their daughters to be like me. Trust! And, when they are honest, they would also want the mother of their children to be this protective of herself and her dignity.

Anyway, maybe I am just comforting myself with that last paragraph, but yeah... I walk my talk. Love YOURSELF. I lose track but I always get back to it.

Happy Mercury Retrograde. Mercury Retrograde is actually a good time to resolve issues by revisiting them. It is a time when people's exs come from the holes in which they were hiding, and it is a great time for friends to reunite after a long period of not seeing one another. So, I am going to do just that, reconnect with old friends, and maintain my happiness somewhere else in my life.

V