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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Day Before Good-Bye

Dearest Reader,

I think I'm going to live in Europe for a while. This is not a new thought. It is something that I have been fighting for fear of being viewed a traitor by my country men. The truth is, I don't really fit in here in South Africa. Apart from my friends and family who accept me as strange as I might be, I don't resonate with this country, from personal to professional life. I might change my mind, but I doubt there is anything that would keep me here any longer. I have been thinking about this move for more than 10 years, and each time I chose not to because I had personal things to take care of, including my family, my heritage, finding myself and so on.

me playing guitar at home
I have found myself as far as I am concerned. What I have found is not particularly wonderful, but I like it. Lot's of Europeans like it too. Africans though... I don't know... I am just not enough for my own country men. I am not enough musically, I am not enough as a woman and I am just not enough generally. Therefore, I think that "right time" to leave has finally arrived. It's time to live in my favorite countries, Switzerland or Austria. Yes, this feels right and the thought of it fills me with joy, and therefore, it seems like a good idea.

I consulted my Shaman friend, and she said the same thing too. She asked, "Why don't you just leave South Africa?" And, with an empty chuckle, I almost said, "You read my mind" but then realized that this would be somewhat redundant since she is a Shaman who is supposed to guide, validate and give people confidence to do what they desire the most.

I have no children. I have no serious relationship. I have no big binding contract that needs to be honoured. I am literally a free agent of the universe. I have no debt, I have no criminal record. I have absolutely nothing keeping me here. I have done all that I felt I needed to do as far as my love life, my family life, and my work life. You know what they say, "If you can't beat them, leave them and go somewhere where they can welcome you with open arms." Okay, they don't say that, but that is my current situation.

I have no commitments whatsoever. My heart is not bound by any man. My family is the only thing that I would regret leaving behind, but the honest truth is that, my family members are living their lives. I am the one sticking around either pretending that they need me, or pretending that my presence in their immediate surroundings means anything. The truth is, as it stands now, no one needs me here. I am not hurt by that. I am just stating a mere fact.

Due to that, I shall go where I am needed and desired, and fulfill my purpose of being one who communicates through the arts. I think the time is right now, and as of next week, I will begin with the arrangements. I just hope I don't change my mind along the line. I hope that I just do as I was supposed to do 6 years ago and leave.

Sunsets on Africa for me
So, as I fall asleep, after finishing this blog, I am going to contemplate whether I am truly ready to relocate for a while and just put this place and its people behind me because South Africa represents a lot of negativity to me. I need a fresh start. I desire a fresh start. I desire to be in a place where scorned people are not misrepresenting me by speaking falsely about me. I need to be in a place where I am judged not by petty consideration but judged by who I truly am. I am tired of living a life that is beneath my full potential. It is time to try and push the ante now, and go for my happiness.

All I desire is to be happy.

I can't be happy here. That is a fact.

So, today is the day when I actually accept this. And, after accepting it, I will have to do something about it. I am starting a new life somewhere else. I have failed to find happiness here. I have failed to find the type of success I desire here. Call it what you may. Say it is running away. Maybe it is. Whatever the case may be, naming it whatever you want to call it doesn't change the fact that it is my desire. I have lived for a long time in one place. This should please my enemies which I have been shown thanks to my Shaman friends. But, knowledge is power. Because I know the beast I am fighting against, I realize that due to my make-up and due to my desires, I can not find what I desire here.

Humans are highly damaged in South Africa, and so am I. The fact though is that I can not heal while I am a lobster in a barrel full of lobsters dragging me back in the bucket as soon as I make any progress to escape my hell on Earth.

My goal is to master my demons and destiny like Master Yoda.
Yes, I did say that I am giving this place one more bash before I leave it. In a few months, I would be happy to find myself in Switzerland or Austria. If I stay here any longer, this is the best I will ever be, and that is being not good enough for me. This place has spat me out due to my personality, dreams, goals, values and faults. I concede this temporary defeat. I plan on rebuilding though. I am resilient and I have longevity. I have an uncanny way of not fading forever, but of disappearing for a while to make myself stronger and more of a formidable opponent. Then, like a Pheonix, I rise from the ashes more brilliant then ever. That is what I shall make manifest, i.e leaving this place and the people who are not compatible with me.

With that, I say farewell.


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