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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Why I Don't Watch Sad Movies!

Dearest Reader,

So, I watched Mystic River for the first time today and I blew a gasket on twitter, ranting about how abuse and past trauma's are no reason to be an abuser too. *rolls eyes* I hate this part of my personality. I am sick and tired of it. It bores me so much! I am so sick and tired of preaching and being self-righteous just because I didn't become like my abusers as well as not being a victim of my circumstance. I mean, big deal, right? I am sure there are plenty of people who have overcome their tough past. The problem is, when I get that trigger, like experiencing injustice or seeing a movie which shows such things, I just lose it.

I don't lose it violently. I don't lose it physically, but my blood starts pumping fast, my head starts feeling as if it is about to spin. Basically, I become angry, and now although calm, I am suffering for the anger by having indigestion. Great! I hate having an upset tummy. It says a lot though. It means that I was very angry because I don't or can't show anger on my face, or by the the tone of my voice, but I feel it in symptoms that follow, like having a headache, having an upset tummy and sometimes by having a panic attack.

This is why I don't watch upsetting movies. People are genuinely surprised when I say that I only watch comedies, chick-flicks, science-fiction and fantasy films. I will dabble in some thrillers, but I don't mess with horror, dramas and stories that have to do with racism, slavery and so on. If I am going to watch a movie, it must inspire awe, wonder or fluffy girly feelings, or else I can't be bothered. Why am I watching movies about murders, rapes, molestations, racism and general hardship when I have lived it? Yes, so please, I will not be watching Amistad, Cry The Beloved Country, and all that stuff. If I knew that Mystic River was going to fuck me over like this, I wouldn't have watched it. The movie was good, but I hate it.

Now, I am sitting here, after midnight, just having gulped a shitload of antacid, contemplating taking a headache pill and wondering when I will calm down before I can be peaceful and sleep.

You see, these painful movies just trigger all the pain I have ever felt, from small hurts to big hurts. I start remembering every dickhead I have ever come across, and I start rehashing the past which shouldn't be affecting my present. Then, I end up here, drained as fuck, wondering why I watched that dreaded movie, and wishing someone can deliver some comfort food like ice-cream. But wait, with being lactose intolerant and with having an upset tummy from being over emotional, I realize that even ice-cream wouldn't help the situation.

The worst thing about thinking about my past is the danger of going into a pity party about it. I detest feeling sorry for myself. I really do. I was beginning to, then I decided to stop that nonsense. My music is a huge trigger of pain. The fact that I have not achieved my objectives concerning my music is the only thing that makes me unhappy. It is something I think about daily. It is something that eats at my soul. So, when I feel sorry for myself, I always end up at my music, whining about "not being given a chance" and complaining about those who stand in my way asking too much of me because I can't have sex with people for money or my career because of my relationship with sex. Then, I bitch and moan, saying, "Why can't I just be judged on merit alone?" and "Why do they close doors for you if you won't fuck them?" or "I might never be successful in music because I only desire to have sex for pleasure and/or love because sex was cheapened in my life through abuse and rape for me to choose to cheapen it by doing it for business."

Then, I cry.

Fuck!

I wish I was one of those people who can have meaningless sex, or have sex when I don't want to. I would be far.

See... I don't want to think this way. It is victim mentality. My only hope is to fall in love with someone in the music industry so that I can have sex with him while he opens doors for me. Otherwise, I will be grumbling about this for quite some time.

In the meantime, I will do work that doesn't require for me to whore myself.

Who would have thought that being successful in music one has to be a prostitute? I didn't know this going into the music industry. I was truly naive. I had no idea. If I knew, I would have tried to love something else other than music. But, it is a choice that I made to not succumb to the pressure of being a whore for my craft. I can do anything else, just not sex. I can probably slit the throat of a cuddly animal before I have sex for money or music.

That's when I call myself an idiot for being idealistic.

Then I reprimand myself for calling myself names.

Then I cry.

Then I sleep and hope for a better new day.

All this from watching a sad movie. So, I avoid them like the plague. Sad movies are a bad trigger for my demons, especially if the sadness comes from rape, war, murder, poverty, abuse of any sort, etc.

Sad movies trigger a pity party and take my power away. I don't like feeling powerless and defeated. I don't like feeling at the mercy of my past or circumstance. I don't like feeling that I am being picked on, bullied and trated unfairly because I ask, "Why are people always treating me badly?" and then I open up a can of worms where I do a mental chronological inventory of how I was cheated out of happiness in my life.

Watching sad movies are for people who have no sadness in their lives. It makes me wonder when the struggle will stop of if it ever will for me. It makes me wonder why I am not drinking and taking drugs. It makes me wonder why I am alive if this is what my life has to offer? And, I can't! I just can not! I like and prefer smiling, laughing and being in high and good spirits. Watching sad movies is intentionally depressing myself, which is problematic and twisted.

So, now, I am going to take a paracetamol, lie back in bed and hope I fall asleep because I am tired of being a hot mess today. Tomorrow I will wake up better. I am sure. I need a break from this reality so sleep would be good, but with insomnia, I am not holding my breath.

Ciao

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!
Woe, Alone and Weird!

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