Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Ugh! Bleh! Whatever!

Dearest Reader,

The worst thing that I can ever experience is the realization of having hurt myself due to having a Pollyanna attitude. I am listening to Sia’s “Breathe Me”, as I write this, feeling as vulnerable as she is feeling in the song. This vulnerability and hurt is not caused by anyone but me. I am fully accountable for how I feel. I am not under any illusions that anyone is to blame for my scars, nicks and bruises. I did it. No one is to blame. And, what saddens me about this is: Why would I allow myself to hurt? Why would I choose to make my life anything but always happy? Is this a subconscious self-hatred manifesting? Do I like pain? Do I enjoy having tears come down my face instead of laughter and joy? I can’t tell that I am distressed anymore, that’s how distressed I am. 

The only thing that is allowing me to know that all is not well are the symptoms of my anxiety. When I get to this point of stress, I make a conscious effort to disengage because nothing is worth my health and happiness. Yes, I’m very fragile for such a strong gal. I endure things that do not please me because I am behaving in a manner that can manifest my desires, keeping my eyes on the prize. But, once the pursuit of the prize begins to manifest in sickness, though, I have to stop, even if I would have liked to go on. Still, I do these things that hurt me, knowing what will happen and I disappoint myself very much when I hurt my health. It means I am having a dumb moment, which sickens me since I know better.

Why do I open up my heart to strangers knowing very well that strangers are dangerous?
Well, I do have a theory as to why I torture myself. I think that I put myself through harrowing times of heartache and pain because my desire for happiness is more than my fear of pain. Actually, I don’t fear pain. I merely don’t enjoy it. In fact, if emotional pain didn’t affect my health, I’d probably endure it longer. Like patience, I can wait for years to achieve a goal, but it doesn’t mean that the wait was enjoyable. In fact, I am impatient and my tolerance for pain is very low too, but I don’t behave in a protective way to avoid these unpleasant experiences because I am an idiot. I say, “It is worth it.” But, just as I am accountable for the tears that go down my face, I am also accountable for the joy and happiness that radiates outward from my heart. So, I have to take risks, right? I must just know when to quit.

Because, I am an extremist with an obsessive personality, I never know when to stop until it is too late. I never know when to stop until I have come to a point where I have damaged myself. That’s the problem with us compulsive types, hence many of us are drug addicts, because we usually have to hit rock bottom for us to let go of something that’s obviously bad for us, and even then, rock bottom usually lasts for longer than necessary as we tell ourselves “Maybe I should do it one more time...” 

I always tell myself that happiness is worth the risk, worth the pain, worth the shame, worth the sacrifice and worth the energy. I always tell myself that happiness is worth everything, and so I get to experience shit in the hopes that I can find my happiness. But with age, I have learned that happiness is not worth my physical health because 80% of my happiness is due to being healthy and having vitality. I wish it didn’t have to come to feeling physically unwell to let go of behaviour but until I learn a better way to identify the line that I can not cross, I will have to use my body as a gauge. I am the type that burns out because of this extremist, compulsive stupidity. I like speed because of this. I am just a danger to myself, honestly.

I feel everything intensely. That is the problem. I have not felt so-so in a long time. So, even though I seldom grieve, even though I seldom cry from pain, even though I seldom feel like a fool, even though I seldom feel like I made a mistake – when I do feel such, it hits me so hard that I can’t even remember how happiness once felt. Similarly, when I am happy, I can’t remember what sorrow felt like, so I guess it balances out?

I always say that my personality comes with many gifts of creativity, gifts of inventiveness and great gifts of perseverance, but it also comes with curses, haunting curses which I can’t escape. I am such a typical artist, it makes me sick. I am just like Marilyn Monroe in the film, “My week with Marilyn” and like Howard Hughes in “The Aviator”. It seems so glamorous to be me from the outside, I am sure. I am someone who people envy, I am someone who people find interesting, and someone who has a story to tell, they say. But, how did these story form? The stories, the charisma, the eccentricity and the enigma were created through pain. 

Someone said that I can’t handle rejection. I smiled, thinking, “You have no idea how often I get rejected.” My life has not allowed me the opportunity to get what I desire when I desire it. My life is shaped in such a way that I get lots of rejection for long periods of time, and then, like a miracle, I get a big break, which is usually short-lived, only to go back into my slump of never ending rejections for more years until I get another big miracle. Just because I experience rejection often doesn’t mean it stops feeling like crap. As a matter of fact, the more I experience, the worse it feels. 

I know, it is tough to imagine that a beautiful, intelligent woman, who is capable and gifted, would experience rejection in anything she desires, but it happens to me. I smile as I write this because people assume that my life is just flowers and butterflies, easy sailing and extra-ordinary, but it isn’t. My life is ordinary to me. The reason why my life might not be as easy as people think, is because people aspire to be and do things that I am doing or things that I have done, whereas I aspire to be more than what I was or more than what I am now. I lie. I don’t see what people see that makes them think my life is easier than it is. I kind of hate being alive. I am alive because I am not dead. So, I do things to keep me busy while I wait to die. So, I don’t get why people think I am new to pain, rejection, hopelessness, and all negativity known to man.

I am happy, sure, but not right now and definitely not all the time. I still get gut wrenching moments of pain and sorrow. I leave myself vulnerable, that’s why. I need to be vulnerable if I am to not kill myself even though it causes pain. Without being vulnerable, I would never feel that I am loved, and I would never feel love. I would not be able to be excited; I would not be able to feel hope, faith and gratitude. This same vulnerability that makes me cry makes me feel joy. 

This same vulnerability that makes me feel stupid gives me songs to write, stories to write, topics to contemplate and laughs to have. Therefore, it is useful, but I can’t always be vulnerable because that would kill me too, so I sometimes stop feeling vulnerable and build a wall in order to heal myself from the damage that I have caused. 

I hate putting up the shell. The shell makes me irrational, cold and cruel. It makes me blind, deaf and unfeeling. I see nothing but the wound when the wall is up, and I shoot on-sight anything that comes close to the wound. Then, I miss out on possible friends, possible laughs, possible love because I have shot them dead. At this time, I tell myself that if it was meant for me, it will survive the bullet wound to the head but, not many things survive a  bullet to the head, do they?

I remind myself of my ex-boyfriend. He broke my heart. Then, when he decided to come back into my life, all doors were shut. He says he loved me. He says he tried his best to get me back. I still don’t believe he ever did love me or even tried enough to get me back. You see, what’s enough for me is different to what’s enough for another. Life went on, he decided to move on, he said, because he couldn’t wait for me for ever. I remember thinking, “You think that’s all you needed to do? Maybe, if you waited a bit longer and tried harder, we would have made things work.” But, he didn’t wait as long as I wanted or needed, even though he waited as long as he could wait. Tragic. 

While we lick our wounds, people move on. And, while I lick my wounds, I lose out. Moping is just a waste. So, my life has been about making my recovery time from pain as short as possible, because I don’t want to push well meaning people away from my life because I allowed myself to be wounded for too long, wounded by things that had nothing to do with me. So, I cry, I hurt, and I experience pain in a very deep way but I make it quick. Being miserable isn’t fun, anyway. It just drains me and makes me not laugh, and I love laughing.

Anyway, the point is, being me comes with a price that many people wouldn’t be able to afford. Being me comes with a lot of rejection from strangers and friends. Being me comes with a lot of people judging me, pointing fingers at me in awe from shock, disgust or self-righteousness. I am not an easy person to handle. I am not an easy person to be. I am a freak, this thing that people view as exotic and different, this thing that people like to look at, this thing that people talk about, a thing which entertains even though it is not always liked. I do things in ways that are considered wrong. I do things in ways that people wish I wouldn’t. This makes me enigmatic, but it makes me cry and smile simultaneously. 

The truth is, I don’t know what to do with myself when I affect myself negatively. I guess I just ride it out. If I was the only human, I wouldn’t be affected negatively by who I am, because I really do like myself. It is just unfortunate that liking myself, and being myself has to hurt, annoy, scare and repulse others. I’m like a serial killer. In a world where being honest was a crime like murder is in our world, I would be jailed as serial killers are jailed here, because they enjoy doing what they do even though it hurts others.

The truth is, I hate it when I make people unhappy unintentionally. I prefer making people unhappy on purpose. LOL. Actually, I don’t know what this blog is about. It has gone from one point to another, and I have been trying to get it on track, but now I give up. I am just having a bad couple of hours, because I feel unwanted, judged and a bit foolish. I’ll get over it though, trust me. I always do. I just wish I would stop putting myself in these situations. Unfortunately, I think this is the life I shall die living.. I must just get used to it. I feel like shit for 4 to 8 hours every month. That’s just what I do. When I feel bad, I must just view it as part of life, like eating and taking the trash out. It is just those unpleasant things I have to do to live. 


Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. There are no pictures or music for you on this post because I can't be bovvered. :)

Monday, August 6, 2012

My Thoughts Before I Sleep.

Dearest Reader,

I am listening to the song "Wonderful Life" by Hurts, as I write this blog update. I am not hurting, nor do I think it is a wonderful life. I just like the song.

In case you're wondering why I don't think it's a wonderful life, it is merely because I think it can be better. Life is average. It is not as wonderful as I know it can be. I have felt more wonderful things while sleeping and dreaming of world's that shouldn't exist, compared to this world, Earth, which apparently is the real world. So, no... Life is not that great. It is just adequate. I am not complaining though. Regardless of how average life is, I am always smiling and laughing, making the best of a dire situation. I am doing what I can to either make my life wonderful or to exit life and go to a wonderful place. I am not saying I am trying to kill myself. No, I am just saying that I am doing whatever I deem necessary as far as balancing my karma so that if I do exit Earth, returning here doesn't befall me.

Actually, I often wonder what kind of slick shit people are smoking when they say that they want to live forever. To me, living forever, on Earth as it is, is probably my worst nightmare. I would rather die from excruciating pain than to live forever on Earth as it is now. I firmly believe that humans are deranged, and I am caught in an elaborate episode of Punk'd, waiting for the Universal Ashton Kutcher to reveal himself and get me the fuck out of here. I've been waiting for over 2 decades. No one has come to save me. So, now, I just live recklessly, do whatever I want to do, under self-made restrictions of course. Yes, my life is all about trying to think outside my previous experience in order to do things that excite me from my core. That requires a very active imagination and a fearless spirit, which is something I have in abundance.

Now, as the song "7 Seconds" by Youssou n Dour featuring Neneh Cherry is playing, I get yet another reminder at how ridiculous Earth is. These crazed people are shooting innocent people all willy-nilly, and I am supposed to say life is wonderful? No, if you don't see how damaged this place is, and if despite that, you think life is wonderful, you are an unfeeling, disconnected drone. My personal life can be great merely due to the perspective I have chosen to view things, but that's far as I can go. There is nothing wonderful about life while people are living in fear of being who they are.

I literally get sick to the stomach to know that there are people hiding their true natures, true loves, and true religions just because they fear ridicule from their fellow human beings. It infuriates me that we have created a culture that makes 99% of humans ashamed or afraid to be who they are. I have learned to be one of the 1% of the guilt free, fearless and obligation free ones, but it took huge sacrifices and infernos of baptisms of fire to be happy with who I am no matter how weird, ridiculed or no matter how uncomfortable I make people. I lost friends who I loved dearly because I chose to be happy. I am luckier than most because of this because now I am happy. I really do not fear consequences from being true to myself. As a matter of fact, any result from me being true to myself, no matter how sad it is, makes me stronger and more desirous of being more of who I am. I am truly unashamed of who I am, or who I turned out to be. Therefore, this world, that isn't so wonderful has a good purpose for being like this. It is to let us experience who we are, or to help us choose who we desire to be. Of course, we can't do any of those things by being in denial and screaming, "Life is Wonderful" when it isn't. We need to accept the cesspool it is before we can start turning this trash into treasure.

Retrospect is a wonderful tool. It helps us see clearly the process that life possesses. Hence, they say that retrospect has 20/20 vision. Previous to my current life, I had a shitty time being alive because I was being made pure, detoxing and being cleansed of all the wrongs that deteriorated my mind, which in turn created a tough existence. Now, I am putting all that I learned during my cleansing in practice, and I am literally flexing my muscles at the universe, trying to see how far I can go, living the way I want and doing what I desire. I feel like Neo who has just realized that he is The One. I am not lying. The things that I can do with my mind now, things that I couldn't do years ago, will have people accusing me of being demonic. I swear. Life, although not wonderful, is much easier now. Ego drives are low, fear is low, manifestation is fast, pain is fleeting, anger is fleeting, grief is fleeting... Life is much, much easier that I often look around and ask, "What the heck is going on. Is that all I needed to do to get what I desired? Why couldn't I do it before?" The answer is, I didn't know how to deal with things before. I didn't know how to create and manifest, I didn't know how to let go of emotions, I didn't know how to attract joy from within and I didn't know how to live without fear. Of course, I get annoyed and disappointed, but it lasts an hour at most now.

I am not an initiate of some occult movement. I do things alone because I don't trust these mofos who have institutions of "spirituality", as far as groups of a certain movement are concerned. I am a lone adept of the occult though, and I was drawn to is by Christianity, Astrology and trauma into it. Now, I merely think of something in a certain way, and I manifest it. I have been manifesting little things, in total shock as they appear, and like a small child, I am increasing the volumes of the energy I play with, to see how far I can go. This is where I am in my life right now. It is as if I have just removed a partition in my mind which was blocking my abilities before.. It is as if, I had at my disposal, power that was out of reach, that is now fully in my palm to play with. Yes, that is it. I am playing. I am discovering this new me that can have so much control of oneself and circumstances around me. I have not experience so much freedom ever. It is exciting, and I am trying to use it responsibility, because with power comes responsibility, right?

Even when I am sleeping, I am not fully asleep, but I my body is in full rest, so much so that, when I feel weird energy as I sleep, I can immediately build a shield around me, fortify it, look around my body to see if I am safe, and return back to wherever my dream had taken me, knowing that my body is safe from whatever harm I had perceived. I watch myself sleep as I travel to these places I dream of. And even there, I am watching myself too, even though sometimes I am participating in the dream lucidly.

I remember, it was 2006, and I created the mantra, "I am Veronnica Wolpendz. I am a singer, song-writer, actress, author, and philanthropist. I am love, peace and Power", and didn't know when I would start making all this things come true. All I knew then was that I need to say this affirmation and believe it. I said this mantra everyday, about 10 times a day, for the following 3 years. Then, something told me stop saying it so that the mantra can start manifesting because apparently it couldn't manifest if I held on to it. So, I forgot it for a few years. Now, I am not famous at the moment, but I am a singer and a song-writer, I am an actress and an author. I just have being a philanthropist left to do, which is happening sooner than some think. And, I wonder to myself... "What changed?" When did I change from being a slave of my circumstance to being in control of the results I get in my life?

This has also made me quite careful of what I wish for because I am not into manifesting rubbish, which happens sometimes. Do you realize how great it is to peak late in life? Do you realize how excellent it is to be  late bloomer? I always think of Jay Z and Clint Eastwood, when I think of late bloomers who never gave up on their desires until they were manifested into reality. I am not going to die with my best days as a distant memory. I am going to die excited. I am going to die satisfied. I know this because the way I live is how I shall die, and I have chosen to live in an excited, satisfied and joyful way. I suppose, I am quite amazed at what I am capable of and it's only the tip of the iceberg, and what I am capable of is probably more than what you can imagine. Yes, even your imagination can not go as far as where my capabilities can go. I am thrilled. I am thankful. I am in awe of finally seeing this other side of life which had eluded me previously due to being born as a human.

All, I can say is this: Accept your current situation as it is. Do not be in denial. Denial slows the process and trust me, you want to evolve quickly. Secondly, define your desires, and accept them without shame. Love your desires. Let your desires be your guiding light because they will lead you to where you need to be. Lastly, wait for that partition to open in your mind. Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. Visualize. Visualize. Visualize!

Actually, I will have to analyze this and see how the fuck I am am able to manifest my desires and eradicate the things I detest so quickly and easily all of a sudden. Maybe I should include that in my book instead of the blog. Yes, I am almost done with my book.

Just some advise. When you desire something, speak to the entity that controls what you desire, not the object itself. Most things are controlled on Earth, whether it be humans, money, energy, experiences. Go straight to the Source. Don't waste your time trying to convince humans of your worth. Let the Source show them your worth. So, deal with the Source, the energy that begets all. Not its creations. Like the last song on here by Gorillaz called "Dare", dare to do what you want, despite the ridicule you shall experience. Even now, I can feel the people who used to ridicule me change their tune. I can feel it, even though I don't know who they are because the ridicule happened in secret gossip covens. I can feel something powerful occurring and it may be happening to everyone else too, but I speak for myself. The End is Nigh, the end of fear.

This blog had no point. I just decided to type and see what came from my mind at the time. I apologize if I sound arrogant. I am merely speaking my truth and I am reporting things as they are, not as I wish they could be. If this sounds arrogant... I dunno. It was not the intention. The intention was to share with you that, it is not a lie. You can control this realm in such a way that it not only makes your life easier, but in such a way that if you are a seeker of power as I am, power to make changes and transform your reality, YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

Now, I am not sure how this story of my life is going to end, but I know that it will end with me being exactly where I was born to be. Where is that? On a thrown, on bended knees at the feet of my Masters and Helpers who have guided me while I was blind, thanking them for an exhilarating journey in this cesspool. I didn't do this alone. I am not doing this alone. I am not arrogant to even think that. I did it with the help of energies whose nature and names I do not yet understand. All I know that it is Created Creators like me, with higher vibrations, who made a sacrifice to hang around me, through my invitation, in this cesspool, to help some of us find themselves again, because we are born lost, for the most part.

That is all for now

I haven't ranted in such a long time, I had forgotten how awesome it is. And, please, let's lay off with accusing me of demonic dealings or Satanism just because I speak this way. It is these very labels that you give me and others who are different (who have found the way) that keeps you stuck in your misery. It is this very reason why you humans crucified Yehoshua who came to just help. Fortunately, his energy remains, even if it was not meant for all of us, but his tribe, I use Him to teach me.

I am a seeker of truth. You can call me that if you have to call me anything. I seek and I find. I ask and I receive. And, yes, Yehoshua (Jesus) is a major teacher whose consciousness played a huge part in my development. The other is Inanna. At first I was afraid of Inanna. I understand her now, just as I am sure, those who know not what Christ Conscious is would fear it at first before they understand it. Zeta Consciousness has also taught me a lot, but the Zeta taught me practical, cold knowledge which I apply with the help of the other helpers. Then, there are my direct descendants who live within me in my DNA, as part of my cell memory who I invoke and ask for help regularly. We have so much to assist us. Yes, it is an exciting place to swim in the ocean of the subconscious, and be licked by the enlightening tongue of the Serpent, where demons and angels live. Once you start exploring that place, you actually realize that, .that angels and demons are just those stupid labels that keep you imprisoned by fear to go forward.

Thank You for reading my rant,
It is a challenging one and meant for ears that are willing to listen because I was not dumbing down anything, even though I was using simple language.

Thank You,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Inner World Power!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Jedi Mind-Trick Secrets

Dearest Reader,

Before going any further, I would like to say that I am in a thankful mood. I am also quite self-reflective, watching my every thought and correcting errors in my thinking as soon as they occur because recently, I have not been as vigilant as I should be when it comes to controlling my mind and my reactions. I pride myself to be a person who is in control of their mind, therefore when thoughts that I do not desire filter through into my conscious mind, I immediately take action.

I have an obsessive personality, and it is easy for me to get myself hooked on actions, thoughts and behaviors that do not serve me.When I say speak of things that do not serve me, I speak of things that do not benefit my goals and desires, things that take me away from my plans. I am also good at mimicking people around me. Due to this I have to be aware of my thoughts and make sure that they are mine. Fortunately, on top of this obsessive personality, I was also gifted with a keen sense of observation, deep analytical skills and discipline to follow through on tough actions.

This is why I do not ingest many substances which I believe to be harmful, for example, I do not ingest alcohol, drugs, tobacco, meats and acidic substances like sodas and so on. It is not that some of these things aren't fun to indulge in, but because they do not serve me or my desires, I do not mess with them. The same goes for certain thoughts and behaviors.

This doesn't mean that I have a repressive personality where I do not deal with my cravings, urges or feelings. As a matter of fact, I am a highly emotional person, and my emotions are expressed as soon as I can express them. My discipline in spiritual vigilance merely means that I prevent myself from feeling, thinking and acting in such a way that harms me, BUT, if I was unable to prevent a feeling from taking place, I express it fully without shame or restriction, in order to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Emotions are like a bee's sting or snake venom. Once you are stung or bitten, you NEED to remove the sting and venom as soon as possible and as completely as possible in order for you to not incur further damage. Undesired emotions work just like that. Thoughts on the other hand work differently, and sometimes thoughts get so intertwined with emotions that one can't tell the difference.

When undesired thoughts occur, one needs to take note of the undesired thought. Secondly, once the undesired thought is identified, one corrects it and creates the desired thought instead. Let me give you an example.

Me (undesired thought): "I desire him to be here. I desire to have him close to me."

1. "I am thinking of him and I do not like it. The thought of him is distracting me from the work I need to do, therefore he is siphoning the energy that I could be utilizing to complete my book, write a song or make money." (identifying undesired thought)
2. "I desire to complete my book. I desire to complete my business plan. This is more important to me than thoughts about a man." (replacing undesired thought.)
3. "I am Veronnica Wolpendz. I am a singer, song-writer, guitarist, author, actress and philanthropist. I am love, peace and power!" (Say an affirmation. The one I wrote here is my personal affirmation)

Then, after these three steps have been taken, review how you feel. If the desire still remains, then express it. The likelihood is that after I have taken these three steps, I am no longer thinking about anything other than my personal plans. In fact, I am so excited about the reminder of the future ahead of me stipulated in the mantra/affirmation.

If after the affirmation and I am still obsessing, as I said above, I express the thought.

Satisfy the desire as much as you can by either speaking to him, seeing him, or whatever is necessary in order to take the charge away from the thought. Some of the necessary steps, if not all, require low ego drives and humility, like calling someone when you know that it is not advisable for your reputation and street cred. It's not about your ego, remember. It is about you true desires. Your goals, your dreams, your plans. Once the thought is no longer charged because you have expressed it, it is now useless. Energy is back to you to do your own work instead of wasting it on other people.

Therefore, for the last week or last few days, I have been working on an obsessive thought. The thing that always catches people is that, if the thought is not fearful, and pleasurable instead, they seem to think that it is fine to let it persist. This is not true. The pleasurable thoughts that do not serve us are just as dangerous because the more you entertain these thoughts, the more powerful they become. Then, their energy attracts the things you are thinking of, and if the pleasurable thoughts do not serve you, you tend to put yourself in danger of taking yourself off the course which you had planned in sober times.

For example, thinking of food is pleasurable. If you're trying to lose weight and you keep entertaining thoughts about food, you will find yourself on a dangerous food binge in not so long. Not all pleasurable thoughts are beneficial for us. When they are not beneficial, they need to be nipped in the bud before they become a problem. Sometimes when we crave a chocolate, it is better to just have a piece and move on (expressing the thought and desire), but sometimes, it is necessary to remind yourself why you don't desire to eat the chocolate and avoid eating it. Sometimes.

The point is, mind work is a delicate and very involved process that requires honesty. You need to be honest about your desires, strength and weaknesses to know what actions to take in order to choose the right actions. Once that is done, you are on the right track to be the master of your own destiny.

I am the master of my own destiny. I do not like to do things that do not serve me. I will not give things more thought than is necessary unless they add quality to my life. If the thoughts do not contribute to my ultimate pleasure, joy, freedom, love and security - the things I am living for, I can't allow them to take over my life. This is just how I roll. I don't know if it is cold, good or bad, but this is how I stay focused. I am not focused by mistake. I do not laugh and smile everyday by mistake. I am what I am deliberately as I shall be what I desire to be deliberately too.

I was not born lucky. Therefore, I create my own luck. Controlling my mind has reaped a lot of self-created luck for me so far.

Thanks for reading,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!