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Monday, November 30, 2009

'Reason for Not Sleeping

Insomnia

I have found that when I am concentrating, focusing, or calming down, it helps to listen to Rob Dougan’s Clubbed to Death. (If you don’t recall such a song, then you might want to go buy it to hear it, or consequently watch the movie The Matrix. It is the song playing in the scene when Morpheus is showing Neo around the Matrix program.) The song title is deceiving. There is nothing violent about the song. Instead I would say that it was probably so named to signify the silence and peace, the elation of leaving this realm and elevating to something lighter and greater which one obtains at after death and not necessarily the process of being clubbed.

I am tired as I write this, but I can’t sleep. There is too much on my mind and I suppose I haven’t compartmentalized all my thoughts accordingly, and what’s happening now is that they are flying and whooshing all over my mindspace, almost haunting me in their disorganization. Therefore, when that happens, I usually pull out the good ol’ laptop and journal, or write a blog, which has become pretty much the same thing these days.

Of course, because my priorities are skewed as a human being, nothing keeps me up at night more than my premature music career; not many relationships, not many enemies, not much family, not much anything keeps me up at night but work. This can mean two things, (1) I am a career-obsessed and self-involved individual or (2) my personal life is in order. For your information, I would say that it is the latter, although the former is quite true too at times, but only at certain times, unlike the mostly satisfactory state of my personal life. (sounds like the lady doth protest too much.)

Anyway, other than that which was expressed a few days ago, I guess I am feeling a certain restlessness and an itch, and I am trying to figure out how to relieve myself from it. I can’t sleep these days ( a problem which had been resolved) because I keep thinking about my music about how I want to be honest about it without damaging my career prospects. I guess, this is an old conundrum of mine, and in the past I solved it by being defiant and saying that people must like me for me, and nothing else. So, I think I will revert to that again to keep me at peace. With that said, I guess I have solved that problem. I create music for myself, first and foremost. It must please me first. Then I share it with all of you with the hopes that you will like it as much as I like it. I only hope that we’d appreciate the same thing, I do not do more than that by influencing you more than is healthy by losing myself in order for you to find me, because how could you find me if I am lost? Therefore, I will not bend my style or preferences because I am trying to be liked. It sounds ungrateful (and a little stupid as far as the earthly popularity contest is concerned) but it is the truth and I apologize for any offense caused. The fact is that I am happy with myself… mostly…

Let’s move to another thing that’s keeping me up at night.

My voice or the quality of which, is bothering me. I suppose it is the age old insecurity of the performer, who relentlessly nitpicks and prods at his/her talent until a little room for improvement becomes a mountain of a problem. That was me comforting myself. The truth is that I believe that I listen to myself objectively and what I hear is real, and what I hear is troubling. There is a great lot that could be improved with my voice, and it is no excuse that I hear a lot of accomplished artist with worse voices than I (jealousy makes you nasty). That doesn’t matter even if I sometimes use it as an excuse to remain as I am. The fact is that, I have to be better than many to achieve the things I would like to achieve. Mediocrity is not an option and I seem to be dealing with a mediocre voice. There is good news though, as I have mentioned before, since I stopped smoking, my voice has been improving and getting better and stronger, so who knows what I’ll sound like after two years of not smoking, since I have only been clean for a year and 3 months or so? Even so, the next step then should be voice training, isn’t it? So, that goes in my list of things to do one day. I doubt that I will do it any time soon though, but I am seriously considering it.

The next thing that keeps me up at night is the people that do not treat me the way I desire or deserve to be treated. I tend to get a few humans who take me for granted. There is of course no blame placed on them as anything that occurs to me is likely something that I allowed to happen, because as dicey as it sounds, we do teach people how to treat us. So, I do feel bad to have taught people to treat me in a lesser and undeserved manner. Yes, I tend to make people feel that I am dispensable and it is my fault because I do simply have childlike appreciation and wonder for people, giving all that I have got until one day I wake up realizing that I am left with nothing. I suppose this is one of those incidences, and so I am taking charge and I suppose I am now teaching a new lesson. The new lesson is: I COME FIRST. Selfish as that may sound, it is self-preservation which takes place when people have taken more from you than they should have taken, or similarly, when I have given more than I should have given.

On the other hand, I have a larger number of people who love and appreciate me to a level that shocks yet pleases me. These are the people who taught me how I should be treated, making it so difficult to accept anything below the love with which they shower me constantly. I am highly grateful to these people for teaching me such a valuable lesson, and I am constantly striving to show them the same appreciation so as not to lose them as those who have lost me through negligence.
With that said, I feel much better, and I think I might finally sleep.

Oh dear, the sun is rising.

All I needed was to write it down. Now the question is, will I share this on a blog or will I leave it as my private musings? It should be private, for crying out loud, but... Tis the season for anarchy, fa la la la la, la la, la la

Sincerely,

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. This is the last of the over-shares, I promise.

Friday, November 27, 2009

For the Love of Music

Callus, For the Love of Music!

Previously I had wanted to post more songs, newer songs to my page because I had plans of having them available on iTunes this year. This was February or March or something like that, in other words, this was a long time ago. Then life happened on me and I was sidetracked into oblivion and now, I am back from the dark abyss of nothingness, and I am ready to rock again.

Fortunately, a few things have been happening to make this stalling of my efforts, somewhat "meant-to-be" because as all distractions were causing havoc to my music life, slowing progress down, my voice was healing more and more from smoking. And then I did a few gigs here and there which were stopped by getting unwell again. So, now that I am better and more armed to avoid bad health, I hope that things can go smoothly again.

First on the list is going back to the studio and finishing this album of mine, this album that is taking me a few years to complete, more than I ever thought it would take. Then, I am going to do the usual, i.e.

1. Master tracks
2. License the tracks and then, share them with you by,
3. Posting them on MySpace and
4. Getting the tracks on all online music stores (as many stores as I can manage)

Then, from then onward, I will have a bit of direction because then I can start the second phase of my career, and that is the marketing of the product (album). You see, to start with promotion when the product is incomplete is fine, but not ideal as it disperses instead of focusing energy on a particular stage of development. Having ones energies unfocused is counter-productive and I choose not to work this way.

This album will in essence be a glorified demo, meant to showcase what I am capable of, which, I hope, is something unique and different to what the market has in offer, something unique yet accessible to a broad market. All of this, the designing of music that is "unique yet accessible to a broad market" (not a niche type of music) is what I am working on now... CREATING MUSIC.

Of course, this means that I have my work cut out for me, but I never venture into something that I am not confident in executing proficiently. Also, I am prepared, or at least I am getting prepared, going back to playing a minimum of two hrs a day, practicing my guitar playing and also strengthening my voice, the maximum hpurs of me being at it being around 6 to 7 hours. That is amazingly almost the same amount of hours as 9 to 5ers spend at work, which I find weird but comforting. Of course, this intense schedule doesn't last forever, but this is usually how it gets before studio work and before a performance (as preparation). In those hours I also write lyrics and think up new songs, on top of developing unfinished songs.

I force myself to eat during that time and if I do remember to eat, I am usually eating and writing at the same time. When the musical bit is done, I try to write an essay of sorts which might serve as a blog. Most of these essays are left in my computer as I find most of them below satisfactory to share with everyone, mainly because the subject matter is unrelated to my music. The funny thing is that, the blog entries that I choose to share aren't that hot either but I share them anyway because I feel I have to. So... yeah... so much for my search for perfection because I can never reach it.

Anyway...

It's now 8:34pm, in Johannesburg South Africa and my finger tips are little sore and I am tired and hungry. I've been putting in some time, making up for lost time, and finishing up some songs for my studio session(s) next week. Instead of relaxing now, I am writing this blog because I just feel that I am not doing enough... I always feel that I am not doing enough, and on days like these, I usually have to force myself to STOP and just allow myself to shut down.

I guess, it is because of fear creeping in. It is not easy listening to music on the radio, watching a music video on tv, without thinking that my songs and my music videos should be there too. So, this gets me to a point where I am in a frenzy or a depression, like today. I guess this week I have been insecure, or feeling left behind a bit, but I lie. I feel like this at least once everyday. It's quite remarkable how I am being honest today too, but this is typical of me when I am tired, as I usually have no strength for pretense. Yes, I am a little nervous that I am not putting enough effort to achieve what I desire. So, I am getting back on the wagon and working hard again.

I felt guilty resting and letting myself heal, but I figured that if I didn't rest and heal that I would have prolonged my ill health. So, the rest was an investment in my future productivity. Still, I feel bad about the whole thing. What's done is done, though, and so it is back to where I left off, making the best of what I have today and forgetting about what's lost.

Therefore, soon, I am delivering the songs I promised.

Also, YOU WILL be able to buy them on iTunes and other online stores.

That's a promise, and I never make promises, so you can be comforted that I will do my best to produce what I promised, in order to be free of the obligation in which I have gripped myself.

Okay, Okay, Good bye already... I can go on and on, can't I? :-)

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend.

I have a lot of love for the wonderful people that read my blog, listen to my music; those who support me silently or not. All of you are so appreciated. You guys make me get up when I have no will to do so, and for that I am very grateful.

Peace!
Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You!!!

xxoxoxox

Monday, November 23, 2009

Just One of 'Em Days...!

bg

There are just days when nothing works out as one planned. I am so annoyed that my hands are shaking. Of course, with that said, it means that this blog that I am writing will also come to no fruition since I am doomed for failure today. Days like these remind me of that Limp Bizkit song, "Break Shit" if I remember the song name correctly; and unfortunately I can’t break anything I own because everything I have is of value and use. So, I will just muse and fantasize about breaking shite.

It all started with waking up at two in the afternoon today. The plan was to wake up in the morning, but instead I woke up near day’s close with a sore body, disorientation and just feelings of not being right. Maybe the start of the day should have been a clue as to how things will unfold today, and from then onwards I should have just given up on doing anything of substance and watched tv instead. I didn’t heed the warning, and thus I endeavored to make something of my short day.

Big mistake!

I went online to register a domain for my “brand” (I hate using that word “brand” because it makes me sound like Paris Hilton) and then I ran into some problems, namely, lack of information because I was greeted with the following problem. If I register my blog as my own domain, would I be limited to Blogger/Blogspot’s formatting, or would I be given a domain which I could shape any way I choose? Is my question even comprehensible? As you can see, I am no expert when it comes to web design. I am a musician and my expertise is song-writing, not designing websites, so when I found that I could not go further until I am better informed, my spirits were thwarted and I was left quite disappointed. I had many things to do when my domain was registered, but since it is not yet registered, I am still at square one in that depatnement, and there is no worse square to be on than ONE.

Of course, I should get a web-designer to do my work for me, and so I will. The next step is to put up a request for a web designer on facebook, myspace and twitter because those that are in my life are not assisting or referring me to someone to help. Whatever! I will get my domain, and it is happening this month. So, that was that which didn’t come to anything, and all of which occurred before I had “breakfast”.

I then fixed myself some breakfast, my favorite meal of the day, and to cheer me up I decided to make my favorite thing to eat, bananas (get your mind out of the gutter) and nuts (again, out of the gutter, please!) and so I made a banana open sandwich with some cashew nuts on the side and a glass of slightly sweetened milk. There was no question that this meal was going to perk my spirits up a bit, and so it was to great disappointment that this wonderful feast turned out to taste like the bottom of my feet. It didn’t make sense at all, but I ate my breakfast as if I was trying to force down a pork chop, with huge difficulty and discomfort. Therefore, what I had hoped to go well, a great meal which had been tried and tested many a times, failed.

Reluctantly I finished the stupid meal and went to have a bath only to find that the bath was dirty with what looked like grains on fine sand which had crusted on the bath. Note that I am easily nauseated so not knowing what the hell it was that was in the bath bothered me, but we will say it was fine grains of sand, okay? I doused it with bleach and soap and cleaned it with clenched teeth. Of course, after that, the bath was well below satisfactory because I bathed disgusted by the memory of what I saw in the bath previously. Right there, I should have given up on doing anything of substance, but I thought to do something else to make waking up worth something.

So, I decided to whip out my guitar from its case and plug it into the speakers and jam alone (by the way, jamming alone is diamond! I am most free when playing alone). So, as I sat there, guitar plugged in, ready to be tune, I realized that the battery was dead. I either left the battery on in my guitar the last time I used it, or it was nearing its shelf life anyway, but either way, it means that I couldn’t hear my guitar playing through speakers because there was no battery in it, and I couldn’t even tune the damned thing to my satisfaction without a battery because I am now dependant on the tuner. So, above discovering that I am no longer sharp at tuning without external help, that activity came to nothing as well. And, that is how I ended up writing a blog because my computer is still working, but not completely.

My 3G connection just went bust a few hours ago and went from 3G HSPDA to GPRS, and if you know anything about these bandwidth connections, you will know that GPRS is next to useless as it is so slow that even Google has trouble loading, Google being like the lightest and most economical site to visit. So, GPRS is bull shite. Anyway, I hope that I can post this blog with all these Internet wireless problems, otherwise, this blog would have been one more thing that didn’t work out today. If there is no image with this blog, it would have been because of the GPRS, not because I am lazy.

And, excuse all the swearing today. I am just livid and the cussing is happening almost uncontrollably. “Almost” uncontrollably because if my mother called, I wouldn’t swear while speaking to her, but… because this is my blog, and because my mom doesn’t even know what a blog is, it means that she will never visit this sight and read this, so unfortunately for you, it is total anarchy today. With all that said, I guess it’s okay because I haven’t said “fuck” yet… oh, well… there I said it.

Cheers.

P.S. One thing that was great today is that I had a nice phone from an old and dear friend with whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while. Surprisingly, the phone call occurred without any mishaps.

Best Regards,

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.P.S. I think I want take-out today because I wouldn't want to touch a stove and burn the place down, let alone burn my hands!

Okay, Bye Now!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Rage Against My Machine!!!!

Rage Against the Machines

I've been chopping and changing this blog for the last 8 hrs and now I am thoroughly exhausted; so much so that I found myself wishing for a drink, and maybe a small cigarette to accompany that. BUT, I can't have those two so... I'll make myself a cup of tea instead, herbal tea of all teas!

Anyway, I am going to post this stupid blog that has nothing to do with anything, as a test to see what happens when I post another blog. I seem to be creating this blog through trial and error, so wish me luck please. Or better yet, wish me strength!

Cheers

P.S. I kind of hate creating pages. It took me eons to do my MySpace, so why in the world did I think I could manage this? Well, for the same reason that many of you swear to never drink again, only to find a drink in your hand five days later. Time heals all wounds, doesn't it?



There There, It'll all get better....

Radiohead

Another Blog from MySpace

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I have an obsessive thing when it comes to music that makes me listen to one song on repeat all day. I can’t stop until I get enough. Usually when I am done listening to a song, I leave it for a long time, even a year at times, and at times I just never listen to it again. I am listening to such a song, but I haven’t had enough of it even if it has been years of knowing and listening to it. This song always comes back, always. It is probably one of my favorite songs. It is haunting and so tragically true.
Here are the lyrics:
There There by Radiohead (geniuses)....

In pitch dark I go walking in your landscape
Broken branches trip me as I speak Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there....
There's always a siren singing you to shipwreck ....
Stay away from these rocks we'd be a walking disaster ....
Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there ....
Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there ....
There there....
Why so green
And lonely x3
Heaven sent you
To me x3....
We are accidents waiting
Waiting to happen
We are accidents waiting
Waiting to happen....


(don't reach out, don't reach out x2)
(don't reach out, don't reach out x2)
(there's someone on your shoulder x2)
(there's someone on your shoulder x2)....





I always try to give other songs a chance in my life, in order to be fair, but life is not fair. I always try to forget how influential my favorites are by trying to get new favorites in an attempt to expand my mind. But my mind is as it is, and it is not budging, it is made up and I am never going to be able to replace the older bands with the new ones. I try but I can not. I am not going to lament the death of good music, because maybe good music is still alive and I am merely growing older.  
Okay, Radiohead is just freakishly good, or I am in a state of some sort because as I listen to this song, I am filled with both pleasure and pain simultaneously. Of course, they have tons of other songs, Kid A and the all famous Creep (which is a song I use to invite people to RadioheadLand) amongst other gems, including a beauty called True Love Waits, which is a song I’ve taken to  playing on my guitar before I sleep as it is such a soothing melody.
I am fixed in my ways, and my heart seems to be closed off to anything else but to those whom I have loved since I was young.  Opening my heart always, always fails. What happens is that I latch on to something new for a short while, but the love soon wears off and always, what remains are my all time favorites, my timeless loves and my foundations, Radiohead being one of them.
I suppose any song, band or musician that was playing while one was young and impressionable seems to stick, like Karma Police, by Radiohead, which was released in the most difficult year of my life coincidentally. I am sure that kids today will have bands and musicians of today who have the same effect on them as my Alternative Rock favs have affected me. I wonder though how this works because shouldn’t music be music? It shouldn’t matter when one heard it, because if it is good, it is good right? Well, true and that is why Thom Yorke and his band of musical geniuses are still busy working today. They are still in demand, they are still relevant and thus they are still pulsating with the undercurrents of today’s people. Their 5 Grammy nominations earlier this year was proof of how badass these guys are.
As for the lyrics to There There; they are self-explanatory. To me it speaks of those fated relationships that we should avoid as they bring a lot of stress, heartache and pain but these negatives are paired with the best and most sublime pleasures which dare to touch the acme of perfection. It speaks of those unions that pull us to the other as we kick and scream trying to get away from the obvious tragedy that shall unfold, but a tragedy that is rewarded by peace of mind of having held on to each other without letting go during the tumultuous storm, the peace of mind of drowning together.
The song also highlights that the two are destined for the collision, and although collisions cause damage to the surface, rendering the individual not as they were originally as they end up being scarred and bruised; the individual is lost forever as two are fused to be one, like a chemical reaction between two substances that transform from their original forms into something new and natural- losing what they originally were in the process. Radiohead is blooming romantic! That’s all I can say. Maybe I have a dark taste in things and so my idea of romance would involve accidents and shipwrecks, but can I say “Titanic”?… shipwrecks are romantic.   
Of course, I am personally into retaining the self, but maybe that's an unrealistic goal. Maybe peace is attained through surrender of the self, letting go, losing control, and letting go of the steering wheel and ... BAM!
I’ve always wondered though what the hook means, “Just ‘cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there”… because at first I saw a matter of delusional love, but as I listened more to the song, I realized that it could be speaking about a case of imagined fears. Irony is beautiful sometimes, even when it is confusing.
Cheerio.
Note: I will reread this when I am more alert to just see what nonsense I could’ve written as I am a little dazed and tired right now. Later.
 I hope it was fun! 

Toodles!

It's a girl!!

baby girl crying
It's the birth of a new blog and I am excited. I hope we have good times.

I haven't quite thought it out, as to what direction I am going to go with this blog, but I think that I will follow suit in the fashion that I was on MySpace and just blog my musings and thoughts. For those who don't know how this works, here is an example of my latest blog from there:


I am realizing a few truths these days. I am not sure if I am capable of utilizing them for the benefit of myself and others, but at least I know certain things and it is good to be in the know when it comes to the self. There is nothing better, actually. Maybe I am selfish, but there is no better subject of study other than myself in this life. It has always been this way, and it is not that I am not trying to know the other inhabitants of this Earth on purpose. No, it is merely that I am sincerely not interested. Sounds bitchy? Well, it shouldn’t. It is not about you. It is about self-actualization, and there is no YOU in self-actualization, unfortunately, so with that said, I am sorry that you feel slighted by my journey through this realm. 

The first step was a longing, a longing for something I didn’t know. This frustrated me incredibly and got me in a lot of trouble as I tried this and that, trying to figure out what I desired, trying to see what made me tick, and so on. It was tedious, it was necessary; it got me to where I am today. I am tempted to say that I wasted a lot of time trying to find out what I wanted - looking for it outside myself instead of looking within, instead of connecting with the Oneness - but I had to flounder and trip and go to wrong places, do the wrong things for me and be with the wrong people, in order to know that this is exactly where I didn’t want to be. I forgave myself for the traumas I have put myself through; the traumas that I still put myself through and I boil them all down to experience. Of course, some experiences are better left alone but some of us are stupidly hardcore.

The second step was for me to know what I desired. This has taken me the larger part of my life to figure out and I now can confidently say that I know what I want in almost all aspects of my life, from my livelihood, destiny, and purpose, all the way to my personal life. Of course, these things that I know now could all change, but this was all part of my previous lessons, to learn that the only constant in life is its inconsistency. Due to knowing this, I am now prepared for any change in desire that might occur, even though realistically, my desires are changing less and less these days, and I seem to desire and enjoy things for longer than before. I don’t know if this means that it is because I am on the right track or whether it means that I am being stagnant and frankly I couldn’t care less. All I know is that I know what I want and this is a cause for celebration in my opinion.  

It is not often that I come across a person who knows what they want, who is comfortable with his/her desires no matter how far fetched or even laughable they might be, and although this might seem as if I am talking about things vocational, I am not this time. Man can not live on bread alone. What I do see though is a lot of humans being ashamed of their desires, stifling them thus making their journey longer and longer on any given path. Basically, if one desires something, and the desire benefits the self and others now and after, I see no reason not to go for it – but many people have such beneficial desires and because they are “strange” they stifle them. All I am saying is that, I have desired something similar and I am no longer suppressing, stifling and denying it and it feels good and liberating because it all catapults me to the next step.

The third step is, knowing HOW to get one’s desires. This is where I am and I must admit that I feel a little out of my league and baffled because from the looks of it, most of my desires are far-fetched. Fortunately I know beyond anything that nothing is impossible, but there are micro steps or sub-steps that one has to walk to reach the summit. These mini steps are the things that keep me up at nights, boggling my mind because at one hand, although I know that eventually I will get what I desire, does it mean that I should lie back and wait, or does getting what I desire require for me to do something? 

According to my personal make-up, I believe in the latter, and so my mind is working overtime, devising plans and carrying them out to no avail, to achieve what I desire. So, today I took a break from all that constant cerebral overtime and decided to write a blog. I hope that I can figure our how to get what I desire very soon because if you thought not knowing what you want was difficult, try knowing what you desire but not knowing how to experience it. Yes, that is the ultimate agony. 

Actually, in all fairness, there is no bigger or worse, or ultimate agony. All agony is agonizing! 

Cheers and long time no talk!

Veronnica Wolpendz
My MySpace Blog
 
It's also good to know that I always commit the sin of typos because my eyes just don't pick up the errors until a few weeks after having posted a blog, and by then, I usually feel that it is useless to change anything, thus I leave things as they are. It is not meant as disrespect for my readers, it is just a sickness I have.

Anywhoooo!!

Veronnica Wolpendz loves You!!

Ciao!