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Friday, April 24, 2015

Depression from Being Milky and Fatty

Dearest Reader,

As a person who has always been grateful for not watching my waist, although I was never thin, I was never overweight either. Then, this year happened and I am not only uncomfortably overweight but I am also lactating, and my breasts have grown to an E Cup.

Last week, after many months of being chronically fatigued, having migraines and nausea all the time, I protested to the doctors until they heard me, and I did blood tests, an MRI, some scan that requires one to attach nodes on the sculp, and some psychological tests too , and the results came back. I have an under active thyroid, called hypothyroidism. But, like an infomercial, that's not all. I also found that I have high levels of prolactin, this being the cause of my breasts producing milk right now even though I am not pregnant. Lastly, my iron storage cells are at a severely low level, meaning that I am anemic. All of this on top of my previously discussed gynealocology problems.

I have had it.

Now, we know what this is doing to my body, but what is it doing to my thoughts? Well... My self-esteem has been knocked very hard. I don't feel beautiful even though my fiancé obviously finds me gorgeous. I don't know what he is seeing that I am not seeing, but I am grateful to be loved for who I am and not what I am, because not only does it prove that I am soon to be married to the best person I could ever marry, but he takes off such a huge load off my shoulders.

My partner still finds me attractive even after I am no longer like the woman he fell initially fell in love with.

Still, if I don't feel good about myself, no amount of words from him could ever make me feel differently from how I currently feel. I am experiencing a body image shock because I have gained nearly 20kgs in under 6 months. Unfortunately, I have also adopted unhealthy habits since the drastic weight gain begun, which is affecting my moods and my energy levels. That is, I do not eat all day, and I only eat one meal only because I can not sleep on an empty stomach. This has resulted in even more energy loss, more bad moods, and huge loss of concentration. I know I am smarter than this, but I don't want to help my thyroid destroy my body as I know it.

After the tests, I was given medication to fix the thyroid and the prolactin levels and I have been on the treatment for 4 days now. Although the medication will likely help me, my reality is that my body is foreign to me, and I feel so depressed when I discover that yet another item of clothing does not fit,

Yes, I am depressed due to all of this. I try to keep a positive spirit for as much as I can but it is not easy. The truth is that I hate that I have lost control of my body. All I do is starve and drink coffee all day, taking in less than 1400 calories. I dread the day when I will go buy new and bigger bras. Due to all of these influences in my life, I don't feel sexy. Maybe I will get used to it after Improcess and accept that my hormones are off wack. I just hope that it all gets fixed or else... Or else what? Or else nothing, really.

There are only two options in life: accept or change. Will this new treatment help me to change or will I need to accept my new body?

Truth be told, I suffer with so many of these non-fatal ailments. It pisses me off. I figure that the universe is trying to make me understand even more that I am not my body. I did not realize how vain I was until now. My body is a huge part of me though, the third component to the Holy Triad, therefore, it matters. If only I felt good, I would accept my new body easier, but I am not feeling great. I feel claustrophobic and heavy, I feel like I am being constricted from being light and fluid. I feel stiff, clumsier and just out of control. It pains me to feel this way, but I will be fine.

Yesterday, I thought of just telling people that I am pregnant because this way, people wouldn't judge me on my new weight. Body shaming is real, and I am shaming myself over something I can not control.

Let me have a little cry now and sleep.

Inana.