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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Victory!

Pluto/Hades

Now, don’t let this image get your knickers in a knot! It’s not “demonic”… It is just one of the strongest archetypes of my personality.

Pluto was God of the underworld and its riches. The name is the Latinized form of Greek Πλούτων (Ploutōn), another name by which Hades was known in Greek mythology, possibly from the Greek word for wealth, πλοῦτος (ploutos).

“In your horoscope Pluto symbolizes death, rebirth, sex, evolution, degeneration and regeneration, and symbolizes the breakdown of psychological blocks that prevent evolutionary growth. It is the higher octave of Mars, where it represents the conscious self-knowledge and self-mastery of the magician and alchemist standing above brute force and physical prowess; and it is also the fabulous and elusive Phoenix bird. Pluto rules the sign Scorpio in which initially/exoterically it symbolizes mastery of the emotions through the use of the will, and finally/esoterically it represents transcendence through consciousness of the ego-identified self. This is the true and liberating death of the self born here to earth.” Read more on the Plutonian Archetype

Have you ever wondered why the Apostle's Creed "claims" that Jesus descended into hell, and why He has the keys of death and hell in Revelations 1:18?

Since we are through the optional educational bits, the blog can begin...

_______________________________


Always around this time of year, I retreat. It is just a pattern I have seen occur. I then resurface in July or June, or so. The coming out of the shell begins around end of February to March of every year. And as I realized that it is an annual pattern, I couldn’t help but think of the Earth’s orbit around the Sun. Then, I thought of the Solar System, which led me to think of astronomy, which then led me to think of astrology.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Thank You and Merry Christmas

Merry xmas

Another year is coming to an end, and I don’t know about you, but 2009 was filled with great victories and triumphs, as seeds were planted and nurtured.

If you are tempted to say that there was only defeat in 2009, I would recommend that you look again because there was a lot more happening in 2009 than that which meets the eye. Slow developments are still developments and the slower and more gradual the increase, the more likely the increase is likely to remain steadily with you. Therefore, we have a lot to be grateful for – and although I can’t count all the ways in which I am grateful on this blog, I have been meditating on the wonderful things that I have been given on a daily bases and I recommend you do the same. To be grateful for that which you receive is to receive more of the things you desire!

And if you honestly think that you have failed, remember this:

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Words!

Life- Words


“Every whisper, of every waking hour, I am choosing my confessions.” – R.E.M. Losing My Religion

Do you usually find that you have said too much, or do you find that you have not said enough? I used to say very little, even though I spoke a lot - a habit I designed to pacify people, a method I see a lot of people use, without knowing that they are doing such a thing. Unfortunately, although this makes me calculative and sly in other people’s eyes, just because I am aware of the things that I do, does it mean that I am guiltier than those who do the same things without knowing? I don’t think so in my opinion, because whether aware, or unaware, the same act is being performed, and therefore the same results are being reaped. I comfort myself by saying that at least I am the master of my actions, whereas the unconscious few are slaves to theirs.

Since then, saying too little turned out to be a bad servant, and so I ventured to strike a balance, by trying to edge myself closer to the other side of the spectrum, and even if this is also a conscious decision, it is very hard to teach this old dog new tricks and so the effort so say, not too much, but enough, has been an interesting road of trial and error. I find that I have said too much at times, when in reality I have not said as much as I think I have. It feels like I have spoken to last me a life time only due to the fact that I am not used to communicating sufficiently - but it must be done if I plan to be who I desire to be.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

It's a Rant! *passes cigars*

eek. Pictures, Images and Photos

Sometimes I really wonder what happened to me in the manufacturing stages because I think something went terribly wrong. No, nothing went wrong in the manufacturing stages, actually, because I think that as far as design is concerned, I am okay. Like any other machine, I get glitches with wear and tear, but other than that, I am fine. The problem I think occurred during delivery, after the manufacturing went well, and when they were delivering packages marked, “Just Doesn’t Give a Damn” and “Never pays attention”, I and a few people who belong to “Observant and Cares” boxes got mixed up with that other pile and that’s how I, and some unfortunate people on this Earth, ended up in this mall of a place. (Yes, a ‘mall’ is no longer a noun. It is now an adjective to describe something that is grotesque, obscene and insane.) Yeah, so what happened was that, the packages that were meant to be delivered to a museum a University and a sacred place of meditation, ended up being delivered to a mall instead– a mall frothing to the brim with screaming, spoiled kids (and their parents) who’s only purpose in life is to consume, use and/or destroy anything and everything they see, without any consideration as to the ‘what’s’ and ‘why’s’ of the situation. A mall quaintly named Negligence and Damnation! Yes, did ye not know that we are in hell?

So, now, all our lives, you and I (yes, you because you also think that this planet is off its rocker) we have been trying to adapt and be one with the place, for the sake of our ever decreasing sanity – because we know that there is nothing intrinsically wrong and that nothing is ever a mistake, that the whole delivery fiasco was all part of the process. Yes, all we ever do now is search, study and practice some technique that might make this nightmare more bearable. All we do is remind ourselves that this is some elaborate virtual reality joke, but the people who could benefit from searching, studying and practicing techniques, well they just don’t give a F***.

What in the world am I on about? Am I ranting about feeling this place’s ability of invoking my mental and physical histamines? Yup! And not.

I feel a bit helpless at times, that’s all. And this is not music related, but it is a general talk of human interaction. There are people who are just wonderful on Earth, I must admit, but people who would view me as a total Neanderthal if they were to be in the same room as me because I am so primitive. Then, with that as a reference as to how friggen clueless I am, there are people who I think are total Neanderthals too (so imagine how backward they must be, eh?), and not because they are physical brutes, but because they are emotional and spiritual brutes who just “Don’t give a F***”. Yeah, people just don’t care these days. It scares me, quite frankly. The desensitization of initially highly perceptive humans has increased to an alarming level – or I have become alarmingly flaky and soft. It’s one of the two.

I thought that a person becomes more hardcore as they grow. But now, as I grow, I realize that it is probably the other way around in most cases, that people grow to be more gentle, more tender, more sensitive and kinder due to finally being able to connect to LOVE (unless something went terribly wrong to have people growing worse and worse. I’ve never come across such, but if it has gone wrong, it is most likely temporary because I believe that the final destination is always LOVE. I have not seen people who become worse assholes with time, but I have seen people who go from good(loving) to bad(fearful) but this is just an unstable stage before a person settles to being loving). With that said, I seriously can’t hang out with people my age because the youth is so cruel and mindless. It just so happens that I am one of those younger people who has enough humility and awareness forced upon them that people who have had similar amounts of humbling are people a little older than me, people who have finally given up the fight against Mother Nature and her Natural Laws – people who are now trying the “alternative” to what is the norm.

Note: When I speak of "being humbled" I speak of chastisement, not lack of arrogance.*

Anyway, I have no idea what exactly I am venting about. Actually, that’s not true. I guess, I am a little sick and tired of people who think it is cool to be cruel 9so I am still on last week's thing, although for different reasons); who think it is cool to be horrible to others, people who think it is cool to be afraid. I am not that much more developed than those people, to be honest, but I know now that it is NOT COOL TO BE AFRAID! Fear will make a person miserable and I can’t be miserable by choice anymore. I seriously can’t. I choose to be happy now, and goddammit, I am doing something to get what I deserve. And, I guess, even though I complain a whole lot about horrible people, I am not sitting idly and feeling sorry for myself about it for too long these days. I promise.

Bad things, terrible hurts and pains happen to good people like you and I, all the time. I write about my irritations and hurts only to acknowledge it and express it, so that I do not repress it. (I don't even read these blogs after they have been written.) When I have acknowledged it to myself, it means that I no longer engage it and I no longer spend my energy on it because to resist, suppress or deny it is to use energy on it because pressure is energy applied. Therefore, by facing it I decrease its charge gradually until it is no more, simply by speaking it or expressing it outwardly in a “peaceful” manner (peaceful because I am not shooting or beating people up, but I am just typing - although I am still quite hurtful with words – but I am really working on it. I promise). Anyway, once I am no longer using energy on an issue to suppress it, I can instead use energy to healing the wounds the hurt left behind.

There is sense to my madness. I promise. I don’t just do the things I do because I lack self-control. I do the things I do because I realize Natural Laws control things and I merely act within the construct of her magnificence. So, yes… when I speak, or when I am silent – I am not being dramatic. (okay, maybe a little) Instead I am obeying something bigger than I am, or trying to, at least. Like this blog: I had to express myself. I had a blog owing. So, I killed two birds with one stone and thought, why not share a bit of my journal.

Good Luck! I hope some of this made sense. It was scattered. I haven’t slept. You know the drill, so don’t act surprised.

Have a lovely week ahead, lovelies.

Veronnica Wolpendz, really loves you (and she speaks in 3rd person at the end of her blogs – talk about pretentious!!) lol

Friday, December 11, 2009

Brace Yourself. It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride!!

Photobucket

I woke up thinking of certain celebrity’s manager who had promised to listen to my songs and maybe do something about them after the time we had spent together, like work together since he is a producer as well. He had invited me to LA to visit and see the place and I was going to use such a visit as a way to scope the place out to see if I wanted to settle in LA, therefore for me, it was not entirely a social visit because I simply had no money for social visits to other continents - and everyone was clear on that. Hey, if I am broke at the time, I am broke and I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise.

At last minute when I was ready to go that side, he just stopped answering my calls. And, you know what? I didn’t even ask him to do any of it, i.e. invite me or listen to my tracks. These were his ideas, but I guess this is how they lure naïve little girls. He was the one who would call me all the time and speak to me in a way which I admired because it felt as if he was trying to get to know me, but I couldn’t reciprocate in any fair way as I was in a relationship then, which would have made lines blurry a bit, seeing as boyfriend was already a little jealous due to how much I was impressed by this guy. But, he just stopped talking to me, to ex’s great pleasure, and I just felt so hurt because not only did I lose a friend, but part of my dreams fell away with his silence. He took something that meant the most to me and manipulated it in order to try and get his way, I suppose, knowing very well that I wanted a chance to get my career started and knowing very well that I thought very highly of him.

I would like to vociferate all sorts of curses and horrid things about him, due to the immense pain he was instrumental in causing, but I will not. I guess this was my lesson and first hand experience in the empty promises of people in the industry, people who are probably more interested in what’s under the skirts than one’s talent, (and I am not flattering myself :-) there truly are lots of wonderful things to be had under my skirt, for sure. lol). ‘A pity indeed because I do have something remarkable when it comes to song-writing and I do have a decent voice too. What’s unfortunate is that I genuinely liked this guy, but I guess I had the character sketch wrong because he really did turn out to be something I had not imagined. And, yes… most people are that rotten in this industry but I must admit that this one was the smoothest of them all because I did not even smell a rat with him. I really thought that he was one of the good guys, as friend and as possible advisor or mentor.

At least with the other duplicitous people I’ve come across, it was made obvious what they wanted and I was given the opportunity to refuse graciously and walk out or accept the inappropriate offer. It was business, in many ways, slimy as it was but still I don’t hold it against those who were transparent with their slime. With this guy though, it was just so twisted because it was lies from the start, it seemed. I don’t mind an evil person if they are outright bad, so that it becomes a choice to play with them if I like. What I fear and what repulses me, are those that hide under the mask of goodness using this mask as a trap for innocents. These ones that target and lure people are no different from pedophiles that skulk and stalk then produce nice things to make the innocent, trusting children feel at home before doing evil things to them. It leaves a person feeling violated because it is like you let them in because you believed that they were good.

Although the situation was just plain awful, I learned a few things and I was grateful for that which I learned. I know now that humans have a tendency of blaming themselves for the evils done upon them, just as I questioned myself time and time again, wondering what I had done. “Was it because I didn’t have the money to go there quick enough? Was it because I said I dabbled in all sorts of narcotics? Was it because I didn’t reciprocate equally? But I had a boyfriend, how could I have been other than that which I was? Was it because he didn’t like the songs? Yes, was it because he didn’t have the heart to tell me that I have no talent?” The last question being the one I was inclined to believe, that maybe I was not talented. I asked these questions over and over, night and day, lynching myself mentally like that albino monk from The Da Vinci Code – because I have many faults and I have made many mistakes and so it is so easy for me to just blame the self, and this is typical of many people.

This was a different situation because unlike many assholes that I have come across who no longer have a relationship with me, I have probably aided them in doing so because I am usually a coward in telling people to leave me alone, so I sometimes just become insufferable so that people can distance themselves from me, this is behavior I reserve for industry creeps. With this guy though, I had not been horrible because I thought he was a genuinely diamond person.

So, I have learned to be more forthcoming if I have a problem with someone so that they don’t torture themselves as I have tortured myself before, wondering what I have done – so I tell people what they have done now, or what I think they have done. Also, I am learning to forgive (because I have not quite learned that lesson to the end). I am retelling this story but it is not with hatred or bitterness, but it is with mere observation of what had happened to me from my perspective because as luck would have it, he probably has a different memory of how the situation occurred as is common in human relations.

So, as time went on, and as I gained strength, I tried to put my pride off the table and make my perspective clear to him, but I did that with no success. My attempt at opening up some form of platform to resolve (not necessarily reconcile because I wasn’t interested anymore) but to discuss the issues at hand and go our separate ways in peace, was not welcome. All I can say is that I tried, which is great because no matter how goddamn awful the experience was, I still have no regrets because I did all that was in my power to make things fine, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. (theme of my life!)

What hurts is that he rose my hopes so much and then just dropped them just like that as if they were nothing, as if there was no consequence to such. I really do still flinch from the memory of it all, and yes, I and that guy are going to meet in another lifetime (because he didn’t allow neutralizing the karma/sins or whatever you want to call it) and there is going to be hell to pay unless I forgive him for not resolving things, unless I stop flinching from it and become neutral about it soon. I am half way there. Honestly, I do understand that none of this was his fault and not my fault either, in the bigger scheme of things. Every thing happened as it should have happened. I know that, but with all that knowledge, there is another part of me that is still dwelling on this, three years later. I wonder if there will come a day where I don’t react negatively or positively from the memory of him. I know that I need to forgive myself for falling for his crap, in order to never meet him again in another lifetime and have me repeat this experience, or worse, have him experience what I went through. I seriously don’t wish what he did to me done, even to my worst enemy.

Getting a break in my career would make me a happier person though, to the extent of forgiving myself and others on Earth for their transgressions against me and against each other; which is very telling because it means that it is not even about this guy - so pain is truly a state of mind in all respects. (At least now I am laughing as I write this.) I just hate waking up thinking of such people. Ugh! Anyway…

I speak about this because I know that I am not the only person who is in the entertainment industry who went through what I went through. There are lots of people who get manipulated and lied to on a daily basis. I think it is a symptom of being an up and coming entertainer. So, I want you to know that you are not alone. Even the smartest of us get played.

People are cruel in this world. They treat one another as if it doesn’t matter but it does matter to a certain extent. They take life for granted and abuse each other while hiding under the guise of goodness. They act as if time is on their side, and it might be in the larger sense of things, but why would we prolong our evolution by choosing to be close-minded? Although I am appalled with most of what goes on here on Earth, I don’t claim to be good, but I am not bad either. I do things that people call awful too. I accept this, and hope to be forgiven. Yes, I don’t justify or I don’t view it “better” or “worse” to be evil or good just because I can justify my actions. It is what it is and I can imagine that most cruelty bestowed to me was rendered with the same attitude. Sigh! Yes, we are all so damaged.

I am what I am though and I will evolve to something better when I can. You get what you see with me because I would never speak to you, laugh and smile with you, if I didn’t want to. I am not too ashamed of my mistakes, or my experiences, so I share them with others because someone might be going through the same thing and may feel alone. I don’t mind sharing my little “embarrassments” because my past is not a reflection of who I am, so it is no skin off my back to say that I am not perfect. In fact, it is liberating. The point is: I hate the duplicity of this world, and it is unfortunate that this is the world I chose to be part of. It is unfortunate that I can never adapt to such levels of consciousness and treat other people in a way that I have been treated because it is easier to join the madness than to fight against it when you’re outnumbered. It is also unfortunate that I will never beat nor join the Earth’s mind space and convince myself that any of this insanity is fine.

I never understood why turning the other cheek was such the rage in Christianity because it seemed slightly passive, and reactive, but I get it now. Firstly, I do understand that for a peaceful nation to stop a warmonger nation, the peaceful nation has to behave like its enemy for the purposes of paralyzing the violent counterpart, because any other form of communication to make the “enemy” stand down would not be understood (This is similar to using “superior” language or jargon when trying to be understood by the layman – it is pointless and futile.). I have also behaved this way many times, especially if someone is being n energy vampire and sucking my life force dry, and/or when I am being manipulated and ill treated, and what’s sad is that people know not what they do, and so my resistance to their unconscious drives is usually met with me being called cruel. Anyway…

I mind my own business and I am a Pacifist in most respects, so much so that even what people call “friendly debate” and arguing seems not so pleasant to me as it falls in the same category as any violent sport (or competition which also makes no sense to me) like boxing and cage fighting – mental or physical violence for sport and pleasure makes no sense to me. It is a bit grotesque. But there are times when I have to act (operative word being “ACT”) like those I detest in order to stop them from depleting me because I still possess a survival instinct, so I do understand that acting saintly in a savage ridden place is not always practical. God! Being in this place, filled with such paradoxical elements makes it tough to explain oneself, isn’t it?

But, as far as turning the other cheek is concerned, it is not a choice to do so, nor is it a commandment to do so. It can’t be because one doesn’t have to turn the other cheek due to free will, but one tends to do so when one reaches a certain level of knowing and awareness. Basically, you will turn the other cheek when you see life differently, and turning the other cheek doesn’t make you better or worse, it is just different. It is a resultant and consequential behavior from reaching a certain awareness, and to be turning your cheek when all you want to do is bludgeon your friend is pointless, so don’t turn your other cheek unless there is nothing else you can do, unless the only thing that gives you peace is to do so.

We that have been turning the other cheek lately, do so to prevent passing the pain forward. Others turn the other cheek unconsciously/sub-consciously because doing something else would be dishonest to who they are. I also do it to avoid lowering my vibration because to do acts of violence, whether it be on another’s spirit, mind or the body, tends to be unbearably painful for me lately. I have administered pain also as I said above, many a times, as defensive action to stop another from doing more harm, not as a preventative measure per se because I do not strike first to avoid being attacked, but I stop an attack when one has begun and unfortunately, I have not become so good as to stop and prevent an attack simultaneously without striking first. Whatever the reason, it still feels painful to cause pain for another, regardless of how much one can justify it, and so I don’t justify it. It doesn’t make me feel as if I have conquered an enemy after I have stopped something toxic and violent from happening through an “eye for an eye”. It makes me feel as if I have hurt myself still, so with the decrease in win-win situations, it seems like turning the cheek is the better bet, because…

… to let someone strike me once and give him another cheek to strike equals a possible two strikes, with one being already administered. To strike back after the first strike means that I have felt a definite two strikes, whereas if I had turned the other cheek, maybe the attacker would have felt remorse or boredom to strike a second. On the other hand, turning the cheek might produce a limitless amount of strikes from the attacker, but if I strike back after the attacker’s first strike and render him motionless, then I would have saved myself more pain, but it is how you render them motionless that makes all the difference. If you make him endure more pain than necessary, then you’re hurting yourself more than necessary, so it is best to render a swift, almost painless, or a minimal pain strike, to render him unable to hurt you again. It is all very tricky and I’m still learning to navigate it also. It depends on the attacker also as to which method to use. Those that I have faith in receive my other cheek, those who I fear to be power hungry and too damaged tend to get me fighting back to instill a bit of humility in them. Both methods have their use, and the probable reason why both are mentioned in one book, which might seem contradictory at first glance.

Why are people in this world so vicious?

Every one is preying on someone in this world, and all of us fall “victim”, some more than others because we see these humans as the best that they can be, not who they are right now. This is a virtue and yet a weakness because in this world, this type of outlook will kill you or it will leave you in perpetual pain, as humans walk and tread all over you, kicking dirt in your face, while you are saying, “You are better than this! You are better than this!” But they will treat you like a lesser and baser life form for this – because you are not hardened as they are – because your eyes see more than theirs. Yes, we get punished for seeing beauty in others because they don’t understand how you can see beauty where they see ugliness. We are getting punished for seeing the God within humans and of course, I don’t get why we are being punished for it!

Despite the horrific and hurtful things that have been done to me, I still refuse to bend and be like the rest of humanity (to hurt others before they hurt me), and by God, humanity has given me every reason to be a caricature of their worst qualities but I refuse vehemently to be like that. Even though I have been as evil as the worst, I refuse to be that person again because I know better now. I don’t mean to sound like I am separating myself from humanity because I am not really. I do feel it in my soul that all humans that walk the earth, including the beautiful animals and plant life, are connected to me in so many ways that words can not describe.

I want more than anything to be united again experientially and consciously, and not just as a distant feeling and memory. But for the most part, it is humanity that rejects me and those like me. Especially since it costs too much to be united in humanity’s current state, because I will not be normal if it means I must be unnatural. We are one of flesh, but that’s where it ends because I’d be lying if I said that I am one with most humans in spirit. Not anymore, but hopefully one day the minority will reach a critical mass point to create a tipping point so that all of us can be united again. When this happens, an eye for an eye will not be necessary anymore because we will see eye to eye, understanding each other and being harmonious (not uniform) and not hurting each other anymore.


Have a lovely Weekend


Veronnica Wolpendz!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eureka!

Dear Friends
As I said, in times previous to this moment, I have been experiencing problems with writing my lyrics. Well, the problem is solved and I am a happier person because of it. It all happened on Saturday, as I was messing about on the guitar, humming the song (because it had no lyrics) when suddenly it came upon me. Yes, the song is still called “Always” but I discovered why I couldn’t write it.

The issue was that I was concentrating on “Always” LOVING a person, which I just couldn’t write about, but instead what I was supposed to be writing about was “Always” WAITING for something, be it a person or thing, waiting being an emotion to which I am better accustomed, an emotion which I am feeling right now. As soon as I came to that place where I knew what the “Always” was referring to, the lyrics came to me like manna from heaven. So, the song is 80% done, with lyrics being 100% completed. I feel much better because this song has been bugging me for the last month, or so now.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to share.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week ahead.

Cheers.

Friday, December 4, 2009

You Don't Read My Blog 'Cuz It's Long...

... Oh Well...

Moving on with another long one.

Love

I am sitting outside in the blistering hot sun, because I figured that I should get some much required time in the sun as I suspect that a daily brush with UV rays is not all that bad for me. I think though that it is more of the white light than the UV rays that I like, but whatever it is that is beneficial about the sun, aside from the vitamin D contributing factor, there is something kick-ass great about sunlight, regardless of how much I usually despise it.

The sun feels awful and uncomfortable but I seem to be in better spirits when I have totaled at least 3 hours of sunlight a week. I probably require more but I am not too thrilled about the cons of the sun, so 3 hours a week it shall be.

With this “Night Rider” thing I have going on (not having a talking car, but being up at nights), I am usually indoors during the day, sleeping in the mornings; and then when the sun sets, this is when I venture outside my hole. With that kind of routine or habit, sunlight becomes quite a novelty and a rare commodity so I have made it a point to get at least 35 minutes of sunlight a day because I can easily go without; also I enjoy the sun better in smaller doses. Included in my daily/weekly requirements is sitting with and being in communion with a tree, preferably with bare feet in some green grass which I do at least 3 times a week because I am lazy. In truth, I should hang out with a tree daily, but I am working on that. On other days, I merely “spend time” or exchange energy with trees from a distance of about 2-3 meters, which is close enough, methinks. Yes, if you thought I was odd, then you aint seen nothing yet, my lovelies.

Another requirement is beauty appreciation, or beauty immersion, where I soak in the lovely vibratory silkiness of music, or when I do something that expresses my creativity and originality like writing or cooking. Of course, the easiest way of getting my dose of beauty per day is to listen to other people’s music, which I am doing as I type this, namely I am listening to Rob Dougan’s “Clubbed to Death”. As I have said before, I get obsessive about music and I will listen to a song daily for 6 months if need be, just as long as it still makes me feel beauty and appreciation of the wonder that is sound and music. Included in the daily requirements is exercise, which I don’t nearly do as often as I should.

*This song is different than my other favorite songs because it does not have vocals, which means that the song doesn’t coerce the listener to feel a certain way, based on the lyrical and/or vocal content, but it merely and effectively stimulates the imagination according to the individual’s inclination. *

So, yesterday I went to the studio and had a very constructive time making a new track, as is always the case when going to studio, i.e. making tracks. We were briefly interrupted by a power failure, so for an hour or two, we sat and did nothing because there is nothing one can do in recording music without power.

The song I we’re working on is a little different in a sense that I wanted to take a break from playing the guitar and just make it a studio type of production where I am just the writer and vocalist without being the instrument player too, BUT, that seemed a bit far-fetched as I envisioned a guitar solo coming along in the song as we worked on. Mind you, even though there might not be my guitar playing in the final record, I do play guitar all the time during recordings because it is how I communicate musically. This song should be the next one that I post on MySpace. I am exploring a more pop route, with the song being very radio ready in length and in sound type. But, fear not… I didn’t go pop as in Madonna type of pop, but instead I went in the direction that I have been speaking of, i.e. in a more accessible direction, and not niche. With this song, I am more hands on in all aspects of production which should turn out to be a learning experience for me.

Other than that, there is nothing more to report. My fingers are much better from their hectic throbbing which was a result of playing all day yesterday, and also due to playing for studio work prep. Oh, one more thing, I still have lyrics to write which are very… what’s the word?

I am uninspired to write lyrics because I have nothing that I particularly want to write about which is related to my present state of mind. In that case, I am going to go to storage (my foggy mind) and retrieve some files from a time when I wanted to “wait for him forever” or “love him forever” because the song is titled “Always”. Mind you, I couldn’t, in all honesty, feel this way today because I have grown and matured to understand that the idea of forever, relative to consistency, is false. I know that I am probably incapable of loving a person forever, apart from my mother maybe, because there is no one that I know that loves me, or a person that I love unconditionally like the love my mother and I share – as this is the only type of love that is infinitely timeless, but still it is not constant, I think.

Maybe I am a cynic, or maybe I am a little too young to understand the workings of love. Either way, these are my sentiments regarding this subject matter. Real love doesn’t need elaborate declarations of love, as in “I will Always love you” or some other crap like that, because LOVE is totally immersed in the present, in the NOW, where the future tense of “always” is non-existent or unnecessary. In other words, I can tell my mother that I love her, which is true, but I don’t have a desire or a need to tell her that I will always love even though that might also be true.

“Always”, and “forever”, from a human existing in the 3rd dimension, which possesses limited understanding and perspective of time and space, is trying to convince the self, more than state a truth, if they are to sincerely make a statement that denotes what they shall do in another time other than the present. Unless you know the future, and unless your knowledge of the future doesn’t change the future, then any promise made is essentially a lie. With that said, I am totally guilty of this, because I made a promise to you a few days ago, which stated that I will have my music available on iTunes. As I said, it was the only promise I have made for as long as I could remember and I used such a promise as motivation of self more than anything. Of course, one might keep such a promise through constantly choosing to fulfill that promise until it is produced in reality, but for mere mortals, choosing the same thing over and over, or choosing the path that leads to the initial destination, is near impossible; hence the saying, “Life happens while you’re making other plans.”

Now, back to my point:

I can’t honestly say that I will always love someone, but I do understand the emotion because I have felt that before in my younger days. So, I will have to go back in time, and dig up that emotional file, in order to have lyrics for this next song because it can’t be about anything other than that. The song chose its title, “Always”, and then it chose what it meant by “Always” and now I must, MUST give it words to speak.

On that note, I must be off to write some lyrics. Wish me luck. Just think thoughts of encouragement for the commencement stage of writing because once I am into it, it usually just writes itself. The problem is always starting, getting that initial push and inspiration.

Ciao.

Veronnica Wolpendz

Monday, November 30, 2009

'Reason for Not Sleeping

Insomnia

I have found that when I am concentrating, focusing, or calming down, it helps to listen to Rob Dougan’s Clubbed to Death. (If you don’t recall such a song, then you might want to go buy it to hear it, or consequently watch the movie The Matrix. It is the song playing in the scene when Morpheus is showing Neo around the Matrix program.) The song title is deceiving. There is nothing violent about the song. Instead I would say that it was probably so named to signify the silence and peace, the elation of leaving this realm and elevating to something lighter and greater which one obtains at after death and not necessarily the process of being clubbed.

I am tired as I write this, but I can’t sleep. There is too much on my mind and I suppose I haven’t compartmentalized all my thoughts accordingly, and what’s happening now is that they are flying and whooshing all over my mindspace, almost haunting me in their disorganization. Therefore, when that happens, I usually pull out the good ol’ laptop and journal, or write a blog, which has become pretty much the same thing these days.

Of course, because my priorities are skewed as a human being, nothing keeps me up at night more than my premature music career; not many relationships, not many enemies, not much family, not much anything keeps me up at night but work. This can mean two things, (1) I am a career-obsessed and self-involved individual or (2) my personal life is in order. For your information, I would say that it is the latter, although the former is quite true too at times, but only at certain times, unlike the mostly satisfactory state of my personal life. (sounds like the lady doth protest too much.)

Anyway, other than that which was expressed a few days ago, I guess I am feeling a certain restlessness and an itch, and I am trying to figure out how to relieve myself from it. I can’t sleep these days ( a problem which had been resolved) because I keep thinking about my music about how I want to be honest about it without damaging my career prospects. I guess, this is an old conundrum of mine, and in the past I solved it by being defiant and saying that people must like me for me, and nothing else. So, I think I will revert to that again to keep me at peace. With that said, I guess I have solved that problem. I create music for myself, first and foremost. It must please me first. Then I share it with all of you with the hopes that you will like it as much as I like it. I only hope that we’d appreciate the same thing, I do not do more than that by influencing you more than is healthy by losing myself in order for you to find me, because how could you find me if I am lost? Therefore, I will not bend my style or preferences because I am trying to be liked. It sounds ungrateful (and a little stupid as far as the earthly popularity contest is concerned) but it is the truth and I apologize for any offense caused. The fact is that I am happy with myself… mostly…

Let’s move to another thing that’s keeping me up at night.

My voice or the quality of which, is bothering me. I suppose it is the age old insecurity of the performer, who relentlessly nitpicks and prods at his/her talent until a little room for improvement becomes a mountain of a problem. That was me comforting myself. The truth is that I believe that I listen to myself objectively and what I hear is real, and what I hear is troubling. There is a great lot that could be improved with my voice, and it is no excuse that I hear a lot of accomplished artist with worse voices than I (jealousy makes you nasty). That doesn’t matter even if I sometimes use it as an excuse to remain as I am. The fact is that, I have to be better than many to achieve the things I would like to achieve. Mediocrity is not an option and I seem to be dealing with a mediocre voice. There is good news though, as I have mentioned before, since I stopped smoking, my voice has been improving and getting better and stronger, so who knows what I’ll sound like after two years of not smoking, since I have only been clean for a year and 3 months or so? Even so, the next step then should be voice training, isn’t it? So, that goes in my list of things to do one day. I doubt that I will do it any time soon though, but I am seriously considering it.

The next thing that keeps me up at night is the people that do not treat me the way I desire or deserve to be treated. I tend to get a few humans who take me for granted. There is of course no blame placed on them as anything that occurs to me is likely something that I allowed to happen, because as dicey as it sounds, we do teach people how to treat us. So, I do feel bad to have taught people to treat me in a lesser and undeserved manner. Yes, I tend to make people feel that I am dispensable and it is my fault because I do simply have childlike appreciation and wonder for people, giving all that I have got until one day I wake up realizing that I am left with nothing. I suppose this is one of those incidences, and so I am taking charge and I suppose I am now teaching a new lesson. The new lesson is: I COME FIRST. Selfish as that may sound, it is self-preservation which takes place when people have taken more from you than they should have taken, or similarly, when I have given more than I should have given.

On the other hand, I have a larger number of people who love and appreciate me to a level that shocks yet pleases me. These are the people who taught me how I should be treated, making it so difficult to accept anything below the love with which they shower me constantly. I am highly grateful to these people for teaching me such a valuable lesson, and I am constantly striving to show them the same appreciation so as not to lose them as those who have lost me through negligence.
With that said, I feel much better, and I think I might finally sleep.

Oh dear, the sun is rising.

All I needed was to write it down. Now the question is, will I share this on a blog or will I leave it as my private musings? It should be private, for crying out loud, but... Tis the season for anarchy, fa la la la la, la la, la la

Sincerely,

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. This is the last of the over-shares, I promise.

Friday, November 27, 2009

For the Love of Music

Callus, For the Love of Music!

Previously I had wanted to post more songs, newer songs to my page because I had plans of having them available on iTunes this year. This was February or March or something like that, in other words, this was a long time ago. Then life happened on me and I was sidetracked into oblivion and now, I am back from the dark abyss of nothingness, and I am ready to rock again.

Fortunately, a few things have been happening to make this stalling of my efforts, somewhat "meant-to-be" because as all distractions were causing havoc to my music life, slowing progress down, my voice was healing more and more from smoking. And then I did a few gigs here and there which were stopped by getting unwell again. So, now that I am better and more armed to avoid bad health, I hope that things can go smoothly again.

First on the list is going back to the studio and finishing this album of mine, this album that is taking me a few years to complete, more than I ever thought it would take. Then, I am going to do the usual, i.e.

1. Master tracks
2. License the tracks and then, share them with you by,
3. Posting them on MySpace and
4. Getting the tracks on all online music stores (as many stores as I can manage)

Then, from then onward, I will have a bit of direction because then I can start the second phase of my career, and that is the marketing of the product (album). You see, to start with promotion when the product is incomplete is fine, but not ideal as it disperses instead of focusing energy on a particular stage of development. Having ones energies unfocused is counter-productive and I choose not to work this way.

This album will in essence be a glorified demo, meant to showcase what I am capable of, which, I hope, is something unique and different to what the market has in offer, something unique yet accessible to a broad market. All of this, the designing of music that is "unique yet accessible to a broad market" (not a niche type of music) is what I am working on now... CREATING MUSIC.

Of course, this means that I have my work cut out for me, but I never venture into something that I am not confident in executing proficiently. Also, I am prepared, or at least I am getting prepared, going back to playing a minimum of two hrs a day, practicing my guitar playing and also strengthening my voice, the maximum hpurs of me being at it being around 6 to 7 hours. That is amazingly almost the same amount of hours as 9 to 5ers spend at work, which I find weird but comforting. Of course, this intense schedule doesn't last forever, but this is usually how it gets before studio work and before a performance (as preparation). In those hours I also write lyrics and think up new songs, on top of developing unfinished songs.

I force myself to eat during that time and if I do remember to eat, I am usually eating and writing at the same time. When the musical bit is done, I try to write an essay of sorts which might serve as a blog. Most of these essays are left in my computer as I find most of them below satisfactory to share with everyone, mainly because the subject matter is unrelated to my music. The funny thing is that, the blog entries that I choose to share aren't that hot either but I share them anyway because I feel I have to. So... yeah... so much for my search for perfection because I can never reach it.

Anyway...

It's now 8:34pm, in Johannesburg South Africa and my finger tips are little sore and I am tired and hungry. I've been putting in some time, making up for lost time, and finishing up some songs for my studio session(s) next week. Instead of relaxing now, I am writing this blog because I just feel that I am not doing enough... I always feel that I am not doing enough, and on days like these, I usually have to force myself to STOP and just allow myself to shut down.

I guess, it is because of fear creeping in. It is not easy listening to music on the radio, watching a music video on tv, without thinking that my songs and my music videos should be there too. So, this gets me to a point where I am in a frenzy or a depression, like today. I guess this week I have been insecure, or feeling left behind a bit, but I lie. I feel like this at least once everyday. It's quite remarkable how I am being honest today too, but this is typical of me when I am tired, as I usually have no strength for pretense. Yes, I am a little nervous that I am not putting enough effort to achieve what I desire. So, I am getting back on the wagon and working hard again.

I felt guilty resting and letting myself heal, but I figured that if I didn't rest and heal that I would have prolonged my ill health. So, the rest was an investment in my future productivity. Still, I feel bad about the whole thing. What's done is done, though, and so it is back to where I left off, making the best of what I have today and forgetting about what's lost.

Therefore, soon, I am delivering the songs I promised.

Also, YOU WILL be able to buy them on iTunes and other online stores.

That's a promise, and I never make promises, so you can be comforted that I will do my best to produce what I promised, in order to be free of the obligation in which I have gripped myself.

Okay, Okay, Good bye already... I can go on and on, can't I? :-)

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend.

I have a lot of love for the wonderful people that read my blog, listen to my music; those who support me silently or not. All of you are so appreciated. You guys make me get up when I have no will to do so, and for that I am very grateful.

Peace!
Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You!!!

xxoxoxox

Monday, November 23, 2009

Just One of 'Em Days...!

bg

There are just days when nothing works out as one planned. I am so annoyed that my hands are shaking. Of course, with that said, it means that this blog that I am writing will also come to no fruition since I am doomed for failure today. Days like these remind me of that Limp Bizkit song, "Break Shit" if I remember the song name correctly; and unfortunately I can’t break anything I own because everything I have is of value and use. So, I will just muse and fantasize about breaking shite.

It all started with waking up at two in the afternoon today. The plan was to wake up in the morning, but instead I woke up near day’s close with a sore body, disorientation and just feelings of not being right. Maybe the start of the day should have been a clue as to how things will unfold today, and from then onwards I should have just given up on doing anything of substance and watched tv instead. I didn’t heed the warning, and thus I endeavored to make something of my short day.

Big mistake!

I went online to register a domain for my “brand” (I hate using that word “brand” because it makes me sound like Paris Hilton) and then I ran into some problems, namely, lack of information because I was greeted with the following problem. If I register my blog as my own domain, would I be limited to Blogger/Blogspot’s formatting, or would I be given a domain which I could shape any way I choose? Is my question even comprehensible? As you can see, I am no expert when it comes to web design. I am a musician and my expertise is song-writing, not designing websites, so when I found that I could not go further until I am better informed, my spirits were thwarted and I was left quite disappointed. I had many things to do when my domain was registered, but since it is not yet registered, I am still at square one in that depatnement, and there is no worse square to be on than ONE.

Of course, I should get a web-designer to do my work for me, and so I will. The next step is to put up a request for a web designer on facebook, myspace and twitter because those that are in my life are not assisting or referring me to someone to help. Whatever! I will get my domain, and it is happening this month. So, that was that which didn’t come to anything, and all of which occurred before I had “breakfast”.

I then fixed myself some breakfast, my favorite meal of the day, and to cheer me up I decided to make my favorite thing to eat, bananas (get your mind out of the gutter) and nuts (again, out of the gutter, please!) and so I made a banana open sandwich with some cashew nuts on the side and a glass of slightly sweetened milk. There was no question that this meal was going to perk my spirits up a bit, and so it was to great disappointment that this wonderful feast turned out to taste like the bottom of my feet. It didn’t make sense at all, but I ate my breakfast as if I was trying to force down a pork chop, with huge difficulty and discomfort. Therefore, what I had hoped to go well, a great meal which had been tried and tested many a times, failed.

Reluctantly I finished the stupid meal and went to have a bath only to find that the bath was dirty with what looked like grains on fine sand which had crusted on the bath. Note that I am easily nauseated so not knowing what the hell it was that was in the bath bothered me, but we will say it was fine grains of sand, okay? I doused it with bleach and soap and cleaned it with clenched teeth. Of course, after that, the bath was well below satisfactory because I bathed disgusted by the memory of what I saw in the bath previously. Right there, I should have given up on doing anything of substance, but I thought to do something else to make waking up worth something.

So, I decided to whip out my guitar from its case and plug it into the speakers and jam alone (by the way, jamming alone is diamond! I am most free when playing alone). So, as I sat there, guitar plugged in, ready to be tune, I realized that the battery was dead. I either left the battery on in my guitar the last time I used it, or it was nearing its shelf life anyway, but either way, it means that I couldn’t hear my guitar playing through speakers because there was no battery in it, and I couldn’t even tune the damned thing to my satisfaction without a battery because I am now dependant on the tuner. So, above discovering that I am no longer sharp at tuning without external help, that activity came to nothing as well. And, that is how I ended up writing a blog because my computer is still working, but not completely.

My 3G connection just went bust a few hours ago and went from 3G HSPDA to GPRS, and if you know anything about these bandwidth connections, you will know that GPRS is next to useless as it is so slow that even Google has trouble loading, Google being like the lightest and most economical site to visit. So, GPRS is bull shite. Anyway, I hope that I can post this blog with all these Internet wireless problems, otherwise, this blog would have been one more thing that didn’t work out today. If there is no image with this blog, it would have been because of the GPRS, not because I am lazy.

And, excuse all the swearing today. I am just livid and the cussing is happening almost uncontrollably. “Almost” uncontrollably because if my mother called, I wouldn’t swear while speaking to her, but… because this is my blog, and because my mom doesn’t even know what a blog is, it means that she will never visit this sight and read this, so unfortunately for you, it is total anarchy today. With all that said, I guess it’s okay because I haven’t said “fuck” yet… oh, well… there I said it.

Cheers.

P.S. One thing that was great today is that I had a nice phone from an old and dear friend with whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while. Surprisingly, the phone call occurred without any mishaps.

Best Regards,

Veronnica Wolpendz

P.P.S. I think I want take-out today because I wouldn't want to touch a stove and burn the place down, let alone burn my hands!

Okay, Bye Now!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Rage Against My Machine!!!!

Rage Against the Machines

I've been chopping and changing this blog for the last 8 hrs and now I am thoroughly exhausted; so much so that I found myself wishing for a drink, and maybe a small cigarette to accompany that. BUT, I can't have those two so... I'll make myself a cup of tea instead, herbal tea of all teas!

Anyway, I am going to post this stupid blog that has nothing to do with anything, as a test to see what happens when I post another blog. I seem to be creating this blog through trial and error, so wish me luck please. Or better yet, wish me strength!

Cheers

P.S. I kind of hate creating pages. It took me eons to do my MySpace, so why in the world did I think I could manage this? Well, for the same reason that many of you swear to never drink again, only to find a drink in your hand five days later. Time heals all wounds, doesn't it?



There There, It'll all get better....

Radiohead

Another Blog from MySpace

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I have an obsessive thing when it comes to music that makes me listen to one song on repeat all day. I can’t stop until I get enough. Usually when I am done listening to a song, I leave it for a long time, even a year at times, and at times I just never listen to it again. I am listening to such a song, but I haven’t had enough of it even if it has been years of knowing and listening to it. This song always comes back, always. It is probably one of my favorite songs. It is haunting and so tragically true.
Here are the lyrics:
There There by Radiohead (geniuses)....

In pitch dark I go walking in your landscape
Broken branches trip me as I speak Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there....
There's always a siren singing you to shipwreck ....
Stay away from these rocks we'd be a walking disaster ....
Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there ....
Just ‘cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there ....
There there....
Why so green
And lonely x3
Heaven sent you
To me x3....
We are accidents waiting
Waiting to happen
We are accidents waiting
Waiting to happen....


(don't reach out, don't reach out x2)
(don't reach out, don't reach out x2)
(there's someone on your shoulder x2)
(there's someone on your shoulder x2)....





I always try to give other songs a chance in my life, in order to be fair, but life is not fair. I always try to forget how influential my favorites are by trying to get new favorites in an attempt to expand my mind. But my mind is as it is, and it is not budging, it is made up and I am never going to be able to replace the older bands with the new ones. I try but I can not. I am not going to lament the death of good music, because maybe good music is still alive and I am merely growing older.  
Okay, Radiohead is just freakishly good, or I am in a state of some sort because as I listen to this song, I am filled with both pleasure and pain simultaneously. Of course, they have tons of other songs, Kid A and the all famous Creep (which is a song I use to invite people to RadioheadLand) amongst other gems, including a beauty called True Love Waits, which is a song I’ve taken to  playing on my guitar before I sleep as it is such a soothing melody.
I am fixed in my ways, and my heart seems to be closed off to anything else but to those whom I have loved since I was young.  Opening my heart always, always fails. What happens is that I latch on to something new for a short while, but the love soon wears off and always, what remains are my all time favorites, my timeless loves and my foundations, Radiohead being one of them.
I suppose any song, band or musician that was playing while one was young and impressionable seems to stick, like Karma Police, by Radiohead, which was released in the most difficult year of my life coincidentally. I am sure that kids today will have bands and musicians of today who have the same effect on them as my Alternative Rock favs have affected me. I wonder though how this works because shouldn’t music be music? It shouldn’t matter when one heard it, because if it is good, it is good right? Well, true and that is why Thom Yorke and his band of musical geniuses are still busy working today. They are still in demand, they are still relevant and thus they are still pulsating with the undercurrents of today’s people. Their 5 Grammy nominations earlier this year was proof of how badass these guys are.
As for the lyrics to There There; they are self-explanatory. To me it speaks of those fated relationships that we should avoid as they bring a lot of stress, heartache and pain but these negatives are paired with the best and most sublime pleasures which dare to touch the acme of perfection. It speaks of those unions that pull us to the other as we kick and scream trying to get away from the obvious tragedy that shall unfold, but a tragedy that is rewarded by peace of mind of having held on to each other without letting go during the tumultuous storm, the peace of mind of drowning together.
The song also highlights that the two are destined for the collision, and although collisions cause damage to the surface, rendering the individual not as they were originally as they end up being scarred and bruised; the individual is lost forever as two are fused to be one, like a chemical reaction between two substances that transform from their original forms into something new and natural- losing what they originally were in the process. Radiohead is blooming romantic! That’s all I can say. Maybe I have a dark taste in things and so my idea of romance would involve accidents and shipwrecks, but can I say “Titanic”?… shipwrecks are romantic.   
Of course, I am personally into retaining the self, but maybe that's an unrealistic goal. Maybe peace is attained through surrender of the self, letting go, losing control, and letting go of the steering wheel and ... BAM!
I’ve always wondered though what the hook means, “Just ‘cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there”… because at first I saw a matter of delusional love, but as I listened more to the song, I realized that it could be speaking about a case of imagined fears. Irony is beautiful sometimes, even when it is confusing.
Cheerio.
Note: I will reread this when I am more alert to just see what nonsense I could’ve written as I am a little dazed and tired right now. Later.
 I hope it was fun! 

Toodles!