Friday, December 11, 2009
Brace Yourself. It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride!!
I woke up thinking of certain celebrity’s manager who had promised to listen to my songs and maybe do something about them after the time we had spent together, like work together since he is a producer as well. He had invited me to LA to visit and see the place and I was going to use such a visit as a way to scope the place out to see if I wanted to settle in LA, therefore for me, it was not entirely a social visit because I simply had no money for social visits to other continents - and everyone was clear on that. Hey, if I am broke at the time, I am broke and I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise.
At last minute when I was ready to go that side, he just stopped answering my calls. And, you know what? I didn’t even ask him to do any of it, i.e. invite me or listen to my tracks. These were his ideas, but I guess this is how they lure naïve little girls. He was the one who would call me all the time and speak to me in a way which I admired because it felt as if he was trying to get to know me, but I couldn’t reciprocate in any fair way as I was in a relationship then, which would have made lines blurry a bit, seeing as boyfriend was already a little jealous due to how much I was impressed by this guy. But, he just stopped talking to me, to ex’s great pleasure, and I just felt so hurt because not only did I lose a friend, but part of my dreams fell away with his silence. He took something that meant the most to me and manipulated it in order to try and get his way, I suppose, knowing very well that I wanted a chance to get my career started and knowing very well that I thought very highly of him.
I would like to vociferate all sorts of curses and horrid things about him, due to the immense pain he was instrumental in causing, but I will not. I guess this was my lesson and first hand experience in the empty promises of people in the industry, people who are probably more interested in what’s under the skirts than one’s talent, (and I am not flattering myself :-) there truly are lots of wonderful things to be had under my skirt, for sure. lol). ‘A pity indeed because I do have something remarkable when it comes to song-writing and I do have a decent voice too. What’s unfortunate is that I genuinely liked this guy, but I guess I had the character sketch wrong because he really did turn out to be something I had not imagined. And, yes… most people are that rotten in this industry but I must admit that this one was the smoothest of them all because I did not even smell a rat with him. I really thought that he was one of the good guys, as friend and as possible advisor or mentor.
At least with the other duplicitous people I’ve come across, it was made obvious what they wanted and I was given the opportunity to refuse graciously and walk out or accept the inappropriate offer. It was business, in many ways, slimy as it was but still I don’t hold it against those who were transparent with their slime. With this guy though, it was just so twisted because it was lies from the start, it seemed. I don’t mind an evil person if they are outright bad, so that it becomes a choice to play with them if I like. What I fear and what repulses me, are those that hide under the mask of goodness using this mask as a trap for innocents. These ones that target and lure people are no different from pedophiles that skulk and stalk then produce nice things to make the innocent, trusting children feel at home before doing evil things to them. It leaves a person feeling violated because it is like you let them in because you believed that they were good.
Although the situation was just plain awful, I learned a few things and I was grateful for that which I learned. I know now that humans have a tendency of blaming themselves for the evils done upon them, just as I questioned myself time and time again, wondering what I had done. “Was it because I didn’t have the money to go there quick enough? Was it because I said I dabbled in all sorts of narcotics? Was it because I didn’t reciprocate equally? But I had a boyfriend, how could I have been other than that which I was? Was it because he didn’t like the songs? Yes, was it because he didn’t have the heart to tell me that I have no talent?” The last question being the one I was inclined to believe, that maybe I was not talented. I asked these questions over and over, night and day, lynching myself mentally like that albino monk from The Da Vinci Code – because I have many faults and I have made many mistakes and so it is so easy for me to just blame the self, and this is typical of many people.
This was a different situation because unlike many assholes that I have come across who no longer have a relationship with me, I have probably aided them in doing so because I am usually a coward in telling people to leave me alone, so I sometimes just become insufferable so that people can distance themselves from me, this is behavior I reserve for industry creeps. With this guy though, I had not been horrible because I thought he was a genuinely diamond person.
So, I have learned to be more forthcoming if I have a problem with someone so that they don’t torture themselves as I have tortured myself before, wondering what I have done – so I tell people what they have done now, or what I think they have done. Also, I am learning to forgive (because I have not quite learned that lesson to the end). I am retelling this story but it is not with hatred or bitterness, but it is with mere observation of what had happened to me from my perspective because as luck would have it, he probably has a different memory of how the situation occurred as is common in human relations.
So, as time went on, and as I gained strength, I tried to put my pride off the table and make my perspective clear to him, but I did that with no success. My attempt at opening up some form of platform to resolve (not necessarily reconcile because I wasn’t interested anymore) but to discuss the issues at hand and go our separate ways in peace, was not welcome. All I can say is that I tried, which is great because no matter how goddamn awful the experience was, I still have no regrets because I did all that was in my power to make things fine, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. (theme of my life!)
What hurts is that he rose my hopes so much and then just dropped them just like that as if they were nothing, as if there was no consequence to such. I really do still flinch from the memory of it all, and yes, I and that guy are going to meet in another lifetime (because he didn’t allow neutralizing the karma/sins or whatever you want to call it) and there is going to be hell to pay unless I forgive him for not resolving things, unless I stop flinching from it and become neutral about it soon. I am half way there. Honestly, I do understand that none of this was his fault and not my fault either, in the bigger scheme of things. Every thing happened as it should have happened. I know that, but with all that knowledge, there is another part of me that is still dwelling on this, three years later. I wonder if there will come a day where I don’t react negatively or positively from the memory of him. I know that I need to forgive myself for falling for his crap, in order to never meet him again in another lifetime and have me repeat this experience, or worse, have him experience what I went through. I seriously don’t wish what he did to me done, even to my worst enemy.
Getting a break in my career would make me a happier person though, to the extent of forgiving myself and others on Earth for their transgressions against me and against each other; which is very telling because it means that it is not even about this guy - so pain is truly a state of mind in all respects. (At least now I am laughing as I write this.) I just hate waking up thinking of such people. Ugh! Anyway…
I speak about this because I know that I am not the only person who is in the entertainment industry who went through what I went through. There are lots of people who get manipulated and lied to on a daily basis. I think it is a symptom of being an up and coming entertainer. So, I want you to know that you are not alone. Even the smartest of us get played.
People are cruel in this world. They treat one another as if it doesn’t matter but it does matter to a certain extent. They take life for granted and abuse each other while hiding under the guise of goodness. They act as if time is on their side, and it might be in the larger sense of things, but why would we prolong our evolution by choosing to be close-minded? Although I am appalled with most of what goes on here on Earth, I don’t claim to be good, but I am not bad either. I do things that people call awful too. I accept this, and hope to be forgiven. Yes, I don’t justify or I don’t view it “better” or “worse” to be evil or good just because I can justify my actions. It is what it is and I can imagine that most cruelty bestowed to me was rendered with the same attitude. Sigh! Yes, we are all so damaged.
I am what I am though and I will evolve to something better when I can. You get what you see with me because I would never speak to you, laugh and smile with you, if I didn’t want to. I am not too ashamed of my mistakes, or my experiences, so I share them with others because someone might be going through the same thing and may feel alone. I don’t mind sharing my little “embarrassments” because my past is not a reflection of who I am, so it is no skin off my back to say that I am not perfect. In fact, it is liberating. The point is: I hate the duplicity of this world, and it is unfortunate that this is the world I chose to be part of. It is unfortunate that I can never adapt to such levels of consciousness and treat other people in a way that I have been treated because it is easier to join the madness than to fight against it when you’re outnumbered. It is also unfortunate that I will never beat nor join the Earth’s mind space and convince myself that any of this insanity is fine.
I never understood why turning the other cheek was such the rage in Christianity because it seemed slightly passive, and reactive, but I get it now. Firstly, I do understand that for a peaceful nation to stop a warmonger nation, the peaceful nation has to behave like its enemy for the purposes of paralyzing the violent counterpart, because any other form of communication to make the “enemy” stand down would not be understood (This is similar to using “superior” language or jargon when trying to be understood by the layman – it is pointless and futile.). I have also behaved this way many times, especially if someone is being n energy vampire and sucking my life force dry, and/or when I am being manipulated and ill treated, and what’s sad is that people know not what they do, and so my resistance to their unconscious drives is usually met with me being called cruel. Anyway…
I mind my own business and I am a Pacifist in most respects, so much so that even what people call “friendly debate” and arguing seems not so pleasant to me as it falls in the same category as any violent sport (or competition which also makes no sense to me) like boxing and cage fighting – mental or physical violence for sport and pleasure makes no sense to me. It is a bit grotesque. But there are times when I have to act (operative word being “ACT”) like those I detest in order to stop them from depleting me because I still possess a survival instinct, so I do understand that acting saintly in a savage ridden place is not always practical. God! Being in this place, filled with such paradoxical elements makes it tough to explain oneself, isn’t it?
But, as far as turning the other cheek is concerned, it is not a choice to do so, nor is it a commandment to do so. It can’t be because one doesn’t have to turn the other cheek due to free will, but one tends to do so when one reaches a certain level of knowing and awareness. Basically, you will turn the other cheek when you see life differently, and turning the other cheek doesn’t make you better or worse, it is just different. It is a resultant and consequential behavior from reaching a certain awareness, and to be turning your cheek when all you want to do is bludgeon your friend is pointless, so don’t turn your other cheek unless there is nothing else you can do, unless the only thing that gives you peace is to do so.
We that have been turning the other cheek lately, do so to prevent passing the pain forward. Others turn the other cheek unconsciously/sub-consciously because doing something else would be dishonest to who they are. I also do it to avoid lowering my vibration because to do acts of violence, whether it be on another’s spirit, mind or the body, tends to be unbearably painful for me lately. I have administered pain also as I said above, many a times, as defensive action to stop another from doing more harm, not as a preventative measure per se because I do not strike first to avoid being attacked, but I stop an attack when one has begun and unfortunately, I have not become so good as to stop and prevent an attack simultaneously without striking first. Whatever the reason, it still feels painful to cause pain for another, regardless of how much one can justify it, and so I don’t justify it. It doesn’t make me feel as if I have conquered an enemy after I have stopped something toxic and violent from happening through an “eye for an eye”. It makes me feel as if I have hurt myself still, so with the decrease in win-win situations, it seems like turning the cheek is the better bet, because…
… to let someone strike me once and give him another cheek to strike equals a possible two strikes, with one being already administered. To strike back after the first strike means that I have felt a definite two strikes, whereas if I had turned the other cheek, maybe the attacker would have felt remorse or boredom to strike a second. On the other hand, turning the cheek might produce a limitless amount of strikes from the attacker, but if I strike back after the attacker’s first strike and render him motionless, then I would have saved myself more pain, but it is how you render them motionless that makes all the difference. If you make him endure more pain than necessary, then you’re hurting yourself more than necessary, so it is best to render a swift, almost painless, or a minimal pain strike, to render him unable to hurt you again. It is all very tricky and I’m still learning to navigate it also. It depends on the attacker also as to which method to use. Those that I have faith in receive my other cheek, those who I fear to be power hungry and too damaged tend to get me fighting back to instill a bit of humility in them. Both methods have their use, and the probable reason why both are mentioned in one book, which might seem contradictory at first glance.
Why are people in this world so vicious?
Every one is preying on someone in this world, and all of us fall “victim”, some more than others because we see these humans as the best that they can be, not who they are right now. This is a virtue and yet a weakness because in this world, this type of outlook will kill you or it will leave you in perpetual pain, as humans walk and tread all over you, kicking dirt in your face, while you are saying, “You are better than this! You are better than this!” But they will treat you like a lesser and baser life form for this – because you are not hardened as they are – because your eyes see more than theirs. Yes, we get punished for seeing beauty in others because they don’t understand how you can see beauty where they see ugliness. We are getting punished for seeing the God within humans and of course, I don’t get why we are being punished for it!
Despite the horrific and hurtful things that have been done to me, I still refuse to bend and be like the rest of humanity (to hurt others before they hurt me), and by God, humanity has given me every reason to be a caricature of their worst qualities but I refuse vehemently to be like that. Even though I have been as evil as the worst, I refuse to be that person again because I know better now. I don’t mean to sound like I am separating myself from humanity because I am not really. I do feel it in my soul that all humans that walk the earth, including the beautiful animals and plant life, are connected to me in so many ways that words can not describe.
I want more than anything to be united again experientially and consciously, and not just as a distant feeling and memory. But for the most part, it is humanity that rejects me and those like me. Especially since it costs too much to be united in humanity’s current state, because I will not be normal if it means I must be unnatural. We are one of flesh, but that’s where it ends because I’d be lying if I said that I am one with most humans in spirit. Not anymore, but hopefully one day the minority will reach a critical mass point to create a tipping point so that all of us can be united again. When this happens, an eye for an eye will not be necessary anymore because we will see eye to eye, understanding each other and being harmonious (not uniform) and not hurting each other anymore.
Have a lovely Weekend
Posted by Inana at 5:58 PM