Sunday, April 24, 2011

I Can't Enjoy Anything But What I Want!

Dear Reader,

I'm at home, as usual. I decided to chill. Well... I guess, I didn't quite "decide", because I didn't have any plan I wanted to execute, but since I am here, it would seem as though everything worked out for the best.

I have just looked at my twitter updates, everyone is out (or some are in the same position as I, but they won't tweet so as not to seem like LWPs (Losers Without Plans)) and everyone is having a good time doing something "fun" and I can't for the life of me get myself to have fun the way they do. I'm boring, or something. I would rather be at home having sex, playing my guitar or reading a good book than to be at a party or at the club? Am I weird? I sound like a psycho nymphomaniac, but I am not. I am just sharing my preferences i.e. sex with one person and company of only one person. Not more than that. *Booooooo! Boring! No threesomes!* Today I can't take more than one person's company.

What I would like to be doing is to be spending time with an interesting person and listening to his/her stories. Or, I would rather be doing something I have never done before like skinny dipping at a public pool (Ew! On second thought...). Or, I would rather be in a recording studio, lacing some tracks and brainstorming on creative ideas.Yes, that sounds diamond!
This is what I wanna do tonight!

I love to be in an environment that's homely (like where I am now) and to just get luxurious by wearing lovely, silk material; to be bathed in wonderful scents of oils, powders and perfumes. Then, I would have candles on, and wonderful music playing in the background, maybe my own music, MAYBE... the sound of my guitar. (Ok, I am doing that as soon as I finish writing this blog) Oh Lord! I am a loser, aren't I? I am a geek, social outcast with no life who likes things that feel, smell, taste, sound and look good. Perfect! 

Alright. I have dealt with myself, and I know that I am not the run in the mill, gal. Today, I thought of meeting up with people, but the thought of putting on make-up was so repulsive that it was the decision maker which had me stay home, as usual. Yes, my temporary distaste for make-up was greater than the love of seeing said persons. So, just like that, I decided I'll stay home. I decided to start a detox program where I drink lots of green tea and ingest only things in liquid form. (I hope that's safe.) Yes, this is what I thought was more fun than going out and seeing humans. I spent some time with my mother and sister, had a few laughs and that was that!

I don't wanna be this guy!
I guess, what I am trying to explore here is whether I am taking this whole loner thing too far. I don't want to have some sort of social disorder or anything, but I fear I might be too late. I fear that I have become eccentric. *SIGH* This poses a challenge because eccentric people make others feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to make people uneasy. I would hate to be the "freak". The only consolation is that Howard Hughes was weirder than I am (by only a small margin, mind you.) and he became a historical figure, therefore, maybe this is for the best in the long run. When they write about me, they will say, "She was a social outcast who was so obsessed with her art that she wanted to do nothing but it. Everything was gray and lifeless to her, and the only time she would have color in her life was when she was playing and recording her music. She was also partial to stimulating her senses with beauty. These were her joys in life. And sex."

 Hmmm... What does this remind me of?
Anyways, speaking of sex, I am thinking of getting myself a toy boy, just to practice some moves I have created. Any takers? *LOL* I'm being silly. I can't get a toy boy because... No reason, I suppose. I just don't want one. I'm too intense for a toy boy. People who can handle toy boys must be laid back, fickle and detached. I am the opposite of that. I am intense, personal and attentive. Some might call that possessiveness or stalker tendencies, but give me a chance to separate myself from those possessive people.

Possessive people are attached to their subject of interest. I don't get attached to people or anything for that matter. I can not be attached to anything. Something might give me pleasure for a while, for as long as it allows me to EXCHANGE energy with it, but the pleasure it gives me will inevitably wane, in case of humans, because humans don't know how to maintain an exchange in energy. Therefore I can't get attached to people because they can not be symbiotic. I get pleasure from total energy exchange. Most humans get pleasure from giving without getting back, or from getting without giving. Once I find a human who is like me, who finds pleasure in total EXCHANGE, i.e. simultaneous give and take, then I might get attached to a human. So far, it has not occurred.

I might be a bit passionate because I see so many opportunities for growth that other humans take for granted. But, that's passion, not possessiveness. I am persistent and patient in trying to take advantage of these growth opportunities, but there comes a time when I can't be bothered because humans are energy vampires. They act "aloof", "aggressive", "interrogative", "like sad cases" to sap energy. This is when I lose interest in them because their level of operating is primitive. There! I said it! Almost all humans I encounter or who I am guided to, react in this manner to feel good about themselves. They are not doing consciously, but if they knew how textbook they were, they would stop. Anyway, to reach out to a primitive being is dangerous because they can take you down with them, when all I wanted to do was to EXCHANGE love (energy) to for both parties to grow. 

Heart Chakra *Star of David* Google this sheeet!
This means that I do not gel with the current stage of most humans, a stage where they need to be chased or need to chase in order to find pleasure in relations. I am not in a level of my development where I get to feel good through possessing or being possessed.  I require for things to occur gracefully, like a dance, without chases or possession. Being chased or to chase both bore and drain me. Things should happen without fear. To chase or to be chase works on a premise of fear and being feared, oppressed and oppressing, hunting and being hunted. I no longer vibrate at this level too much. Yes, I do get those isolated moments, but when it does occur, I feel drained or discomfort. I no longer wish to vibrate at this level of energy, i.e. the YELLOW or ORANGE RAY (2nd and 3rd chakra). I am more green ray, heart chakra than ever before these days, and I like it, so I won't conform to lose such lovely goodness!

I watch these people act the fool, and I shake my head as they TRY to drag me into their painbody, or ego.. and to allow myself to be dragged into their dramas is to lower my vibrations. which ain't happening. Sadly, this is the cause for the guru to retreat into isolation after some time because there comes a point when the guru can not coexist with primitive beings. I am no guru. Far from it! But, I am developed to a certain level where I can understand this issue from an experiential vantage point. So, although I would love to interact with humans in droves, they are a little dangerous for my energy levels. Humans are so starved of the light and love of The Creator that they prey on one another like savage cannibals, including me.

Light! Love!
I get my juice from The Source, hence I don't get attached easily to things and people- through meditations, prayer and visualizations. Maybe if we all did these exercises, there would be less fear and more energy EXCHANGE, but until that day comes when humans are operating more from their green ray, I fear I might have to be a bit of loner for longer. The pettiness, the pretenses and the games they play to express their fears drain me. Hence, I prefer one on one interactions because humans are less afraid that way. When in a crowd occurs, they start being competitive and fearful of "losing". They don't see that we can not lose! *SIGH*. Humans make me sad most times. To observe them is painful.To reach out giving gifts to relieve the pain, and to be turned away doesn't hurt me because it is what I am, but for them, it is an opportunity lost. Fortunately, as I have said before, the Universe is abundant, and if they didn't take my gifts, more gifts will be presented to them until they receive. Humans are stupid. That's the truth. They do the things that take them further away from their deepest desires. They pray and cry for love all day and all night. When it comes to them, sometimes in my guise, they reject it. So, what the fuck do you want human? You asked, I came, and now you push me away? I would not be in your periphery were it not your desires and my desires calling us toward each other. My desire is to EXCHANGE energy. Yours too, so why are you fighting it? I know my purpose in this current stage of my life, and it is to EXCHANGE energy (LOVE), so ask yourself this question. Why did you manifest me in your life if you didn't want a chance to dance with me?

Anyway, that's all folks Again, I write a blog that is void of a point! *shrug* I do whatever I want so you will get this blog, like it or not!

Have a Lovely Evening. I am going to get luxurious now. Maybe put in a booty call, we'll see. :)

I love you all.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I am the Phantom Menace Incarnate!

Dear Reader,

I am a bad mofo! A menacing phantom. Meoow! *paw out*
I came to the conclusion that I must have been one mean motherf*#$er to have pulled toward me such grueling life experiences. Karmically, I must have screwed a lot of people over. I must have been Hitler or something, or worse, one of those evil mofos whose names aren’t recorded in history because they were just too hardcore.

I can see it now, I die and the Karma Council gathers in the astral world and looks at me with reproof and disappointment and says, “You were not incarnated on Earth to enslave the masses and cause carnage on the natives of the planet! Now look at you! All damaged because your power engulfed you instead of you controlling the power. So, on that note, you have to go back to Earth and undo the damage you did to yourself and to learn compassion.”

I respond, “I understand. You are the Karma Council. I can’t argue with you but may I just say… why is it so easy to lose one’s way? I didn’t do the things I did because I was intrinsically evil. I just did them because… quite frankly, I did what I did because I could do it.”

A council member speaks from behind the main speaker, he looks older and wiser and he says, “If we did what we do due to our abilities then, surely we would have destroyed the human race to save them from themselves, but there is a thing we call Free Will and Love, which we have to respect in praise of the One Infinite Creator,” and they bow as they mention The Creator, “But, you were incarnated with abilities to assist the Earth, not to imprison them any further.”

It wasn't me! Pwomiss!
I sigh, and look at the council in boredom and regret, and a bit of sorrow of having forgotten who I was before I incarnated into Earth and then my face hardens as I regain my resolve, “The light of The Creator shines even dimmer in the lower realms, and I know I was meant to be of service to others, but I have seen the light and I believe service to self is my true calling.”

“Your Higher Self seems to think differently. You have not yet chosen to be any of the two. You have merely regressed to become one who has not yet chosen. Therefore, you shall return to Earth and be incarnated as the females you raped, the natives you enslaved, the sick you have mocked and called weak, and you shall experience what your actions have reaped. You shall have your helpers as always who shall guide you, and I hope you can choose what is meant for you,” says a Karma Council Member.

“It won’t change anything. Wherever you send me, I shall regain my place and be what I am now,” I respond indignantly.

Then a Council Member comes to me. “We of the Karma Council of Saturn will now take you to the waiting chamber of Love and nothingness for some healing as some extensive damage has been caused to your lightbody. When the time is right, you shall be incarnated back to earth. We shall be looking from here, observing. Your guides will be with you.”

Beam me up, Scotty!
As, I get transported teleportically to the healing chambers, I wonder why that last council member looked at me with such sadness. “Maybe we knew each other”, I say as I shoot to the chambers. Then out loud I say, “Anyway, who cares. I have to get back to Earth and create more havoc there as soon as I get there. Ugh, I wonder what experiences they will throw at me when I get there. Nothing I can’t handle, for sure.”

Anyway, these are the things that keep my mind occupied. Scenarios like these. Don’t ask me where I get such crap. I don’t know either. Maybe it is too much Sci-fi and fantasy. I mean… it is my favourite genre so of course, when I think, I do think in those terms. I don’t know. One thing I know is that, were it not for the life experiences I had, I would have been a total asshole. I don’t doubt it at all. I know that when I am about to get out of hand, something always happens to me to slow my roll, and hits the breaks. All these incidences always have me asking whether I want to be the person I am turning out to be and I always choose otherwise. It is a pattern I am starting to see.

I once saw a psychic back in the day and she told me that the dark side wants me back on their side or dead. She said that in my past life I was an influential member of the dark side and that the worst thing that could happen for them is if I remember the dark side’s secrets and use them for good. Of course, I deemed what she said as BS, just for my sanity, not because what she said was BS because I don’t know how psychics operate really. For all I know she could be telling the truth, but then, the last time I checked, I was not Luke Skywalker in Star Wars, so I figured she liked Sci-fi just as much as I did. Then she told me that a powerful person is watching me, making sure I succeed, which freaked me out hectically because who the hell is this powerful person and what is he to me? Anyway, that day, my friends and I were so spooked, that it was the last time we saw a psychic. I think we prayed after that and asked Jesus to protect us. Aahhh, being young.

The Chubby Dude!
The psychic also told me that I was going to marry someone who I shall have a “pull and push dance and Tango” with him and that I should stick with him because he is THE ONE. Yeah, if a relationship is not pull and push, I must forget about it because it’s not HIM. When “He” arrives, I will hate and like him and pull him close and then push him away and he will do the same to me. Sounds kinda toxic, but hey, if it’s THE ONE, what can I do? She also said he would be rich. *Laughing Out Loud* Now, I haven’t done a tango with any man. No, I am decisive and it is either you’re in or you’re out! Secondly, I have not fallen for a rich man. Ever! Rich in my books is wealthy, and the card she pulled out was a tarot card with a fat man sitting amongst many golden cups and she said that this card was my GUY. Firstly, he is fat? Say what? (You see what I mean? I can be an asshole, but no worries… life has taught me to love all shapes and sizes because I was quite the chubby one too.). Rich in my books is a home in Monaco (and a yacht of course), a home in Hyde Park (UK) and a home in NY (upper east side). Rich to me is fulfilling my sexual fantasy of sex on the balcony of a Monaco apartment and watching the Formula 1 through binoculars after. I haven’t met someone like that. Instead, I am meeting people who are hustling like the rest of us, so… psychic woman got it wrong. *cue booby prize sound*

I don’t know what I was supposed to be writing about here. There was no point to this blog, I guess. I hope it was weird and fun, like me. I’m weird and fun.

*shakes my head*


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Thank you for reading my blog!

Dear Reader,

That is all I wanted to say:

Thank You! There are many places you could have been, many things you could have been doing, but you chose to spend it here. I thank you for that. I don't take it for granted.

Thank you,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

You Don't Know Me!

Days of Innocence
Dear Reader,

I don’t tolerate pity. I don’t pity anyone and I don’t want to be pitied. I think to pity another is to think less of that person, as if you have declared that they have no power or control to turn things around for the better. Therefore, similarly, I do not except pity from others because I am a fucking strong woman. In fact, I am hardcore that no one can tell me anything about life because I have lived it all, so much so that I am ready to die! Who of you can say that? Can you say that you are ready to die because you done?

I have lived it, and I have survived it and I shall carry on beating the odds. I shall go upward and onward until infinity. As long as the Universe exists, so shall my infinite power exist. If life is a war, then I will keep on fighting these life battles until the end of time, but I can not lose! I will not lose! You see, the thing is: I have chosen my purpose. I have chosen WHO I AM, and I have chosen what I will do about it.

I am not just a woman, nor am I merely a human being. I am a Goddess, and I am made in the image of my God. I am more precious than all the riches of the entire world. I am a fucking bad-ass and I know what I am capable of. So, to pity me is to suggest that I am none of these things. To pity me is to suggest that God is pitiful because he made me in his image.

Just Me being me and my huge lips
I know my destiny and it is not easy. My entire life has been in preparation for this destiny. I was born to be of service to the world, from those in my immediate surroundings to those in the far reaches of the world. I was born for those who have gone through sexual and physical abuse. I was born for the poverty stricken of the world. I was born for the drug addicts and alcoholics. I was born for the sick and diseased. I was born for the fatherless bastards who feel abandoned and for the depressed who believe that their faces are incapable of smiling again. I was born for the suicidal, lonely and the lost. I was born for each and everyone who finds themselves praying, hoping, meditating and getting nowhere. I was born for those who are searching but who can not find; those who have no one to speak to, no shoulder to cry on and for those who are empty inside.

I was born for these people because these people and I have all these things in common. All these things are my life experiences. Yes, that is surely a lot to have lived through and I am only in my 20s, but that’s what it is.

The poor believe that there isn’t enough for them; the sexually abused and molested believe that they will never heal from their hurts and that they will never trust again. The addicts and the alcohol abusers believe that they can never let go of their dependencies and still live a life of joy and fulfillment. The sick, weary and the suicidal can not see the light and I was born to tell them that they ARE the light. Basically, I was born to say that if I can overcome it, and get to the other side happier than I have ever been, so can you!

Ahem... too much lip gloss?
I believe that I was born to show those who are willing to see that, it doesn’t matter where you were born, where you were raised, or who hurt you, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. It doesn’t matter who betrayed you, abandoned you or didn’t treat you sacredly, you can still be happy and strong. I am here to show you that you can lose your innocence but still remain pure of heart. My life is testimony of that. I am not going to give up following my dreams until I die because I have a story that needs to be heard by more than just a handful of people. My story is inspirational, if I may say so myself. I get inspired by my own victories when the days are dark.

It seems very exhibitionist of me to share such sensitive information with the world, and some might say that I am looking for attention. I don’t believe such stories should be hidden. We have more in common on earth than we think, but we walk around feeling as if we carry the burden alone. You are not alone and you will never be alone. If anything, I am here and as long as I live, you will have someone who knows what you’re going through. I am not proud of my experiences, but I am not ashamed either. Maybe that is my problem. I don’t define myself by the things I have experienced. I define myself by my current actions.

Look, my father was never in my life. He was an important man, but I was a bastard child who was discarded. Sure, my blood has some blue in it, but did that change my life in any way? No. I was raised by a single mother instead who tried her best to feed and clothe me. So, I was gang-raped and degraded, but did that make me act like someone who had no class and morals? No, it didn’t. So, I was practically hooked on drugs and drank a bit too much, does that make me a drug addict and an alcoholic right now? No, I have been sober for years now. And so on, and so on…

I was speaking about greatness when I got inspired to write this blog. I was saying that to be great and iconic, one has to be extreme in some way. One has to have a story to tell. One has to testify to having overcome odds that others would have crumbled under. I was saying that people judge Amy Winehouse and Charlie Sheen because they are on drugs – and I was stressing the fact that it takes a lot of pressure to be GREAT. To be great you have to be give it your all, and giving it your all requires more energy than most humans can muster.  To be great you have to make sacrifices, and you have to be lonely and slightly tortured. To be great you have to drive yourself to the limits of human capability and you have to push the envelope a bit further.

I am not talking about basic success here. Everyone can be successful. Everyone can have 2 luxury cars, a luxurious 4 bedroom house and expensive taste. That’s easy! I was successful without even trying, but one day I decided that I am going to go for greatness and strive to change people’s lives, and that is where I had to choose which extreme to go. If you dabble, and if you are lukewarm, you will achieve mediocre results. It is those who go hard that become great. Now, I am might not be great in your eyes, but I feel great. I am living a life that will leave a legacy, a life that will touch lives and a life that will inspire those who have been through what I have been through.

goofy me
If I can inspire one person to be fearless and strong, my job is done. I know that through my music I shall achieve the greatness I desire. Through music I shall touch people’s lives and inspire them to be even more than what I could have ever dreamt of for myself. Through music I will touch hearts, and heal hearts, because that’s what my music did for me. When I was going through my hard times, it was my family and my guitar that kept me sane. When you are going through your trials, know that people will disappear on you. It is okay. It happens. This is why I want to share my life with you. I want all to know that we all go through the same things. And, someday, if life allows, I shall go into detail about my life story and I hope on that day you realize that we can not judge one another. We are all in pain. We are all alone and we are all trying to make things work. Nothing is ever too big for us to handle, because if I could overcome it, so will you.

The one time I had a weave.
Also, to be successful, you don’t have to sleep your way to the top. That is another thing I am going to prove or die trying to prove. I’m sick and tired of women being objectified and abused. I believe that my work can speak for itself. I don’t have to have sex with people I don’t want to have sex with in order to succeed. If I didn’t have a rape history, I might have tried this route, but my past has made sex slightly more sacred than recreational. So, to the little girls out there, I want to show them that hard work CAN pay off and that if you want to shag your way to the top, let it be through choice, not because there was no other way. Yes, no one in the music/entertainment industry can say that they have slept with me and this is why! Yes, you will hurt people’s pride and even be labeled as an asshole through being sabotaged because of your convictions and values, but just stick with it. If you are talented, as I believe I am, something WILL happen for you. You don’t have to be desperate. You have to be determined to succeed. The entertainment business is harder for women, but that’s because we are strong, so just be resilient and keep on going.

I hope you get the message. The point is that… I am not on this music mission for selfish reasons alone. Yes, I desire to get recognition for my efforts, but I am also trying to prove a point that IF I CAN DO IT- with the challenges that I have had - SO CAN YOU. And, I know that 1 in 4 girls have been through what I have been through so we need to stick together and retain our Goddess status.