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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Marriage

Dearest Reader,

Today, I was listening to John William's song called Schindler's List (Theme) and I was playing it in repeat. I still am. I should be writing a workshop outline, or sleeping, but instead I can't stop listening to this beautiful song. Here it is, then you can listen to it as you read on.

 

I have never given marriage a thought as anything more than a foreign idea, in a way that I would think of being on the Moon. I can speak about marriage. I have opinions about it. I even know that I am not the marrying type, and not because I am not "marriage material" but simply because I think marriage is bullshit that should be discontinued as soon as possible. 

Then, today, as I was listening to this song, images came into my head that made no sense. I wasn't sure whether I was having a dream of me in another body, or whether I was fantasizing, or whether I was thinking in general, but I saw a most odd and similarly most wonderful vision.

I have never been to a wedding, simply because I don't like them. Wait... I think I have been to one... yes. Same with funerals. I have only been to one. I avoid weddings, funerals, baby showers and all those things because they just make me uncomfortable. If I ever fantasize about a man, it is never about a wedding or marriage. The fantasy is never about the status of the relationship but about a moment in a relationship, like fantasizing about walking together holding hands, or fantasizing about laughing together, which may occur with or without marriage.

In this fantasy, vision or dream, it was me(although I was much skinnier and I could dance like a professional) at my own wedding. I was quite taken aback. I was wearing an old fashioned white and modest dress. It had long sleeves. It was made of heavy fabric which hung as a curtain would. It had clean lines and it was embroidered.. The white was almost cream, so it was not that super white that looks neon-eque or bluish. It was a warm white.The room was dark. The spotlight on the him was bluish, as if a beam of light was hitting slight smoke in a very dark room, and he stood with his back straight. He was confident and he was calm. He was also wearing a white suit too, which was odd. He was already waiting for me when I arrived on the dance floor. I extended my right hand to him, and I curtsied in a very dramatic and skilled way, picking up some of my dress with my left hand.Then I did a ritualistic dance of sorts around and in front of him, legs in control as if I was drawing a circle with them.

Then, when my outstretched hand reached his, he took my hand and brought me closer until I was close enough to smell his cologne. We then danced in a manner that seemed practiced and orderly, following the song on time and diligently. Then, after a short while, he pulled me closer, my bosom touching his chest, and we looked at each other and he smiled first. He was smiling, even though I couldn't see his face in the dream/fantasy. I just know that he was smiling because I was smiling and that he was the reason why I was happy.

We silently danced on, looking at each other smiling, and then I began to speak softly to him so that he may be the only one who heard me speak. I said, "Thank you, for making me so happy. Not just today, but all the times leading to today. Thank you for making this day the happiest day of my life." Then with a soft smile, I gave him a soft kiss on the lip. Then, I looked away from him, still smiling, and turned towards my right shoulder, and rested my head on the area between his left shoulder and pectoral. We then carried on dancing, still both smiling.

Then, people slowly began to join us on the dance floor until we were surrounded by other people dancing to the song too. I would close my eyes as we danced, trusting him completely with my space, fully surrendered to him leading me as we danced. I would open my eyes briefly from time to time, to look around, with my head still resting on him. Then I would see that everyone is caught up in their moments of the dance, and close my eyes again.

:) The dream, vision or fantasy ends there. It stopped when the song ended...

I've never thought fondly of marriage or weddings until today. Like, NEVER in my life have I been that type. It's all so strange but I liked it. And, today "tPluto was trine Venus", so maybe that's why. And, I will get over this thing once the transit is over. 

Thank you for reading.
I am feeling love, peace and contentment for some beautiful reason.
I have not felt at peace in a long time.
I am glad that peace has come back.

I have been smiling through out writing this blog. Odd times. 

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power

Thursday, September 20, 2012

How To Book Me for Events


Dearest Reader,

For a change, I am writing a work related blog. I think it is important for me that you guys know my imperfect mind and way of thinking, but also just as important is showcasing my talents and trying to put myself out there in order to get jobs for the skills that I have. The days of being a lady of leisure are gone. I am back into hustle mode, and it has raised my pulse more than I ever thought it would, but I know that it is for a good reason.

Firstly, my agent and agency is Stark Raving Management. The name goes perfectly with me, but I assure you that from what I have seen thus far from the CEO Kimberleigh Stark there is nothing but order and discipline from her team, and I like that.

Her agency has represented many actors and actresses, artists and other specialists in the arts since 2003, therefore they are sitting with a decade of experience. What I enjoyed with getting to know this team, especially Kimberleigh is that our energy clicked. It was not so much the business side that got on but the spiritual affinity that we had, which told us that our union was meant to be. And so, I am optimistic about our new relationship and I hope that the good feelings we have towards each other reap great joy and reason to celebrate.

Off the top of my head, she represents actors and actresses such as Tumisho Masha and Rosie Motene to name a few. With the projects I have in the pipelines, she will be great support and I am grateful for such.

Therefore, for bookings, please don't hesitate to contact her on: celeb@starksa.co.za +27 (0)11 830 1589 or http://www.starksa.co.za/ 

I am a multi-faceted artist even though music is my first love. I am a Singer, Song-writer, guitarist, actress & voice-over artist, professional workshop facilitator and public speaker (including speech giving and being a master of ceremonies). I am also a writer. Yes, I am choc-ful of timeless goodness. So, get yourself some.

Thank you for reading,

I love you,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

My Debutant Red Carpet Ride

Dearest Reader,

One thing that you may not know about me is that I am stubborn and a bit unapologetic about who I am. I remember on my first years of getting into "Showbiz" and asking myself how I was going to get my foot in. I remember being told that I should socialize and rub shoulders with the "Who's Who" of the industry, and at one point, it was suggested that I date someone in the limelight. I refused all of those strategic and probably very useful suggestions and said, " I will not be known for anything but myself".

I am proud. I am proud of the skills I have developed, work that I have produced thus far, and of the people who have had faith in me because of the work I have produced. Basically, I don't want to be famous, and worst of all, I don't want to be famous for being famous or for being famous for being some man's malignant tumor. I refuse. I desire to be accomplished and known for my accomplishments! Period. Otherwise, you have no business knowing who I am.

I am Veronnica Wolpendz. I am a singer, song-writer, actress, author, guitarist, facilitator, public speaker and philanthropist. I am not a socialite and I shall never be one. I have too little patience for people to be a socialite, smiling at people when I don't feel like it just so I am invited to the next party? Nah, fuck that! I will be known for all my skills and nothing less. I am an artist, through and through. Besides creating art, I don't have the time to be a socialite because I prefer to sleep rather than hang around with people I seldom know.

For the past few years, I have chosen who I would like to have around me based on the energy I have with these people. That is all I need, i.e. friends and family around. As for acquaintances, they can get me through my agent and manager and we can meet at that party which I will leave early because people make me uncomfortable. Otherwise, I can't be bothered to be deemed as the "In crowd" because all that shit is fleeting. You can't be hot forever. New kids are coming up every single day, and as you know... The things I aspire to have and aspire to be, are eternal.

I don't desire to be a phase. I desire immortality. That comes with a price. It comes with turning your back on today for the benefit of tomorrow. Books last forever, songs last forever, but does popularity last forever? I don't think so.

So, after discussing this issue with my agent, that I am not bothered about being the "It Kid" and so on, that I am concerned with my craft and leaving a legacy for generations to come, she said, "You are perfect" The less you know these people, the better. I will place you where it is important for you to be. It will be like work." And yes, I would rather socialize for work. I do not do anything that does not fit my greater vision. Please note that about me.

I never take my eyes off the prize. Yes, I might seem to have, but you have no idea how focused and determined I am to do things my way. I do not desire to be interviewed for anything other than my work. I desire not to be known as so-and-so's friend. I am ME. I am the ONE, the STAR, the LEGEND and I will not ride people's coat tails to get there because it will dilute my vision.

Call me arrogant. Hey, I am arrogant, but I don't pull things out my ass. I speak my truth. When I go to an event, I don't want to be someone's date. I am the guest, and I will have a date who accompanies me and carries my bag while I take photos. Even when you google me, I made sure to add an extra N to Veronnica so that not all other Veronics's steal my shine, or I steal theirs.

I will not go to a party without being invited by the person hosting it.

I will not be at a function if I am not there to contribute to it, as an integral part of the proceedings behind the scenes or front of house.

I will not!

So, as I go to a red carpet event, please keep that in mind. This evening is about me and my colleagues, not about trying to be seen for anything other than the works I am about to embark upon. I don't try to be seen. It is either you see me or you don't.

The End,

Veronnica (With two n's) Wolpendz.
Love, Peace and Power to You and I.

P.S. As transparent as I am, ask yourself this question "Where have you ever seen me? Do you even know where I am right now or who I'm with?" You know what I am thinking, not about who I am thinking of or who I am with. There is a reason for that. It is because it is none of your business and it takes away from me. :) Ciao.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Observing A Party

Dearest Reader,

I am going through something quite awkward right now and I thought... "Why not write about it?". So, I came back from a very cool meeting this afternoon, with my agent. We spoke about this and that, but mainly about my bright future and then, when that was done, I was craving a bit of chocolate, so I went to a restaurant with wi-fi connection and sat there and did some work while binging on a chocolate fondant..

I sat quietly almost all day, just browsing the net and just sending emails, waiting for my two tardy friends. These friends are unfocussed and don't know the meaning of time but at least one of them showed up. When she finally did, we didn't even sit for an hour before a party started forming around us.

Now, I am the stuck up looking, "Thank you, but I don't drink" girl on the ol' laptop when there is actually a party going on around me. It is someone's birthday and I am feeling weird because even though I came here first, these people's numbers are making me feel awkward.

Then, in this party that's happening around me, there are familiar faces and I just want to go home now. It is not too crowded as to make me uncomfortable, but I am very uncomfortable that I want to leave. So, my friend stepped out for a second and I am sitting alone , feeling "Aaaaarrrgggg". So, I am crossing my fingers that these bitches.

Anyway, during this party, a friend of mine and I just squashed long-standing beef. LOL. Hai! I need to go home and sleep. It's my birthday tomorrow.

Faithfully

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.

Monday, September 10, 2012

End Of Days


Dearest Reader,

It started at 00:55 with goose bumps and my hair standing up. The right side of my head started crawling as if tiny bits of electric nanotech ants were marching on my head. The feeling was sort of nice but also uncomfortable. I immediately sat in lotus position and built a globe of a shield around me of bright white light. I reinforced it three times. My body shivered with every bit of reinforcement of the shield. Then I sat still and listened to my body again to see if everything was fine.

“I hope no one is jerking off to me,” I thought to myself thinking about the energy surge I just got. Of course, it means my body couldn’t handle all the energy I was receiving at that time, and so it was dispersed on my head. That was the tingling feeling on the right side of my head. My question was: "Where did the energy come from?" I couldn’t tell, so I stopped guessing. Then, a few minutes later, I experienced a dip in energy, as if someone just told me that my mother died. I felt pain at my heart chakra, on my chest as if something painful just happened and I was reacting to it. Thing is, nothing of the sort happened because I was sitting here, listening to music. So, I went on twitter and...

I also found a bump in my armpit, the other day. It is a potential boil, I think and I my mom said that they are caused by stress. So, I am stressed? Over what? Fuck! Also, the tingling of the skull is another symptom of stress, say the doctors. Therefore, all in all, I am stressed and I don’t know what’s stressing me. There is no reason why I should be stressed but my body disagrees. *sigh* I really don’t need any of this in my life. I guess, love is close in vicinity because that is when we feel out of sorts like this, and react as if we are being attacked, because love and fear can not exist in one space. It would seem as though there is a high vibrating energy around me that is exuding love which is making my fears that are buried inside my cells come out and get expressed. I thank this loving energy, but gaawwwddd!!! Does it have to happen this way? Well, a detox is never fun and I seem to be having those emotional detoxes. Joy!

Actually, the truth is that I don't know what's happening to me. These surges of energy, these surges of fear, love, laughter and depression are just inexplicable. I am losing my mind, I think. Then, to top it all off, I have to be sprung too. Just great. Shoot me now, and do it twice to make sure I am dead.

I wonder what this energy is, this loving energy around me that is making me go insane. It is helping me, yes, but... Isn’t there an easier way to cleanse myself of the sins of my ancestors and of my sins than through going berserk?

I know that some of you think I am talking hogwash, and maybe I am. I don’t care. I know some of you understand the process I speak of. Emotional cleansing is real. It's like a baptism of fire.

The bottom line is this: LOVE doesn’t feel good to damaged people (like myself). In fact, we fight LOVE and run for the hills because accepting it means going through this shit that I am going through now, being stressed for no reason and generally losing my marbles. That’s why they say in the bible that they trembled with fear at the presence of God. Higher vibrations feel uncomfortable to those of lower vibrations, like me right now. Wherever this energy is coming from, whether it is something I created alone, with another or whether it is a conscious entity, I am thankful for its attempt to heal me. I am trying my best to embrace and not resist the healing I am receiving.

Fear is like an addictive drug. When LOVE enters where fear has resided, the human goes through what could be termed as withdrawal symptoms. You know, like when they pump out the drug out of your system and you are feeling like shit, shaking and feverish, in pain but being cleansed. Yeah, that’s LOVE. It is not all fun and games. Not until it has kicked your ass cleansing you of your dysfunctions can you actually start enjoying it, unfortunately.

Isn’t it ironic how much pain LOVE causes in the beginning of the healing process? SMH! I can’t complain though. I called it to me. I prayed and my prayers got answered. I asked and I received. I searched and I found it. Now I am getting exactly what I asked for. The only thing I am glad about is that, when all is done, I shall be a better person for it. That’s the only thing that makes me patient with this evolution business. I can’t be my best until ego is totally separate from me and LOVE is the energy that possesses me.

Yours Sincerely
Veronnica Wolpendz

P.S. I am documenting this so that I can see how crazy I was when I look back years later, or to see how absolutely futuristic and revolutionary I was. See, people don’t believe you when you say “I went through that before it was accepted as a norm.” So, it is my “I told you so” guarantee. Either “I told you that humans were evolving now” or “I told you that I went through a few months of insanity”. Either way, “I told you”. LMAO!

P.P.S. I finally feel less tense. (Time 01:45).

Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Evolution!


Dearest Reader,

I always say to myself that, just because I know that I am going through meaningful tough times doesn’t make the times less tough. Just like currently, I know that I am going through a process of recalibration and of balancing some karma. I have become quite an expert in identifying signs of labour pains that occur whenever I am having a death/rebirth process of letting go of my old self and becoming a new being. This is what is happening to me now, and it is a pity that it has to be so uncomfortable.

Going from a lower energy vibration to a higher energy vibration is not fun. It comes with lots of irrational fears merely caused by entering a new level of consciousness. I am being greeted by LOVE/TRUTH energy, higher vibrating energy and it is unraveling me at the seams. I am writhing and squirming from a pain which has no rational source. I am not sure when it will end. All I know is that it will pass and that I must not avoid, resist or suppress any of it.

I am attracting those who are going through the same process, male and female. I can assist because I know the process, even though I may not understand why the process is happening, because I have been through such processes before.

The first big growth spurt was in the year 2003/2004. Then it was followed by one in the year 2007/2008. Now, one is happening in 2012. I am sure I also went through a huge downloading of energy prior to 2003 in 2001/2002, which was also uncomfortable but more bearable than the actual transformation because I just knew things and understood things that I shouldn’t know and I became distracted and unfocussed which is better than feeling intense pain for “no reason”. After each growth spurt, I surfaced as a new being with more understanding, a different lifestyle, more power and even a different look. I was reborn.

At least now I am no longer panicked by the process. I am just riding it nicely and steadily, waiting for it to reach its fruition so that I can start yet another process of growth.

On the 2003/2004 process, I went from total agnostic to believer in the other realms of existence, not because I merely understood these other realms of consciousness, but because I experienced them. In 2003/2004, I took part in my first divination experience where I was able to ask questions and receive direct and clear answers for what awaited me in my future. It was a simple process which involved fasting, constant prayer and a bible. I asked questions, opened the bible to passages and received answers as clearly as crystal. This was the first time that I got to know what my destiny was. I was taught how to pray properly through the bible and I knew that my life was the story of Jacob and his brothers who tried to kill him, then later bowed down to him, not recognising him any more. I am Jacob. (Not an easy life, but one of being the victor when it matters. I win the war.)

In 2007/2008 I had the next big growth rush. This time, I was being cleansed. I was shown quite clearly that I had to no longer ingest certain substances and foods in order to fulfil my destiny. I had a full on out of body experience and saw amazing things. This is not meant for everyone, but my cleansing was tailor made for me and my future and I could not go on and do the job I was born to do while still heavily bound to earth by its substances. So, I had to let go of certain foods and change my lifestyle to accommodate the energy which I was going to download in the future. I thus quit all forms of narcotics, ate my last bit of meat, and I then developed food allergies which made my food range very narrow, but which made me hold less toxins in my body because I eat very little now, and what I do eat is alive and higher in vibration.

In 2011/2012, I am going through another growth surge. This one is not yet obvious to me what it pertains to, and I don’t know what it requires of me since I am currently swimming in it. All I can say is the following. The growth that I am going through is igniting dormant fears that seem irrational now, but fears that might make sense if I knew my entire life, and not just the life I can observe in this realm. All I know is that the energy that is being triggered and released from me is making me act very recklessly, very arrogantly, very inconsistently and quite changeable, which is not typical of me. I am literally not afraid of anything except of being afraid of being afraid of nothing. I am a live wire.

Huh... The process has 4 year intervals, I see... Hmmm...

Here is the wonderful scoop about these changes. They are all Kundalini Rising. They are always triggered by “feelings” that I have for people, feelings that are irrational, obsessive, romantic and unreal. The feelings are strong so that I can pay attention to them. The feelings are uncomfortable because they are igniting the dormant volcano which lies within. They are meant to make me STOP and smell the roses because if I miss this opportunity, I lose out.

In 2002 I met a guy who triggered something deep within and I became a little sorcerer. I wouldn’t have been able to had I not met and felt for this guy. In 2006, I realized that I was in love with an old friend and again the feelings triggered a huge awakening that made me the person I have been until today, a philosopher of sorts. This year, I have met a guy and I am still waiting what goodies he awakens in me. Like the others, I have an inexplicable, irrational obsession with him and I am quite clear that it has nothing to do with him... unless he wants it to do with him (hehehe... just a joke there for my amusement).

What’s amazing about these experiences is that they are carbon copies of one another. Each one was handled by me in the exact same way. Each one ended up in nothing, as in, these guys didn’t become a part of my romantic life. We merely became friends. I did not have sex them nor did we kiss. What did happen with the guys is that right after I calmed down and the process passed for me, they went into their own awakenings and pretty much experienced what I experienced about them for other women. Therefore, judging from the pattern, I am pretty certain that this is how this one is going to end.

Now, I know this from experience, but the first time it happened, I didn’t know that I was beginning a pattern. The second time it happened I knew that something was definitely up. Now, the third time, I am more than sure that it is the same crap occurring again. For the second guy trigger, I worked with him as any friend would through his emotional death/rebirth, listened to his hurdles and comforted him where I could. I realized that, had I not become interested in him, I wouldn’t have been able to be there for him.

I find this entire thing, whatever it is, very cool, to be honest, except for the horrid fact that it is uncomfortable. I am very grateful though that I have the tools to handle this mess. I know how to deal with energy blockages, energy downloads and energy warfare, which I didn’t know when I was younger. Now I know the reason why I can’t contain myself when this process begins. I also know why I can’t help but be honest with these beings when it happens. Strangely, I thought all three trigger guys were gay at some point because all of them didn’t date conventionally. Then, through analysis and understanding I realized that they were not. They just didn’t have sex a lot because they had not yet triggered their kundalini. Once they did trigger their Serpent Selves, they became quite different humans to the humans they thought they were.

Where they once felt nothing, they felt emotions so deep, they thought they were dying. All I could say to them was that they should cry and let it out and not give a care because crying was the best way for them to release energy since they didn’t know meditation as I do. Alternatively, having sex balances and transmutes energy, yoga, massage therapy, acupuncture and other things which have become quite useful to me as I grow through this energy awakenings.

When I approached the second guy with my proposal and said, “Dude, I am drawn to you in an inexplicable way and my gut feeling is telling me to explore it. Are you willing?” He couldn’t. He had left the country and so that is how we never were able to do the process properly. Besides, he didn’t feel that way for me any more. I remember the first time I thought of him, it happened by dreaming of him a lot and I had this weird feeling as if he was depressed and that I needed to speak to him. With all three, I dreamt of them very often and the dreams were never, ever sexual, which made me realize that it wasn’t meant to be a sexual union.

This last one is happening the same way. I feel that he is going through some transformation which could be confusing or painful. Maybe I am feeling something that has not yet occurred, but this is what I feel. I dream of him often too, and I dream of him when he is asleep. The dreams are never sexual, except for the last one which wasn’t very sexual but it had sexual energy in it, which never happens. The dreams are always intimate, as if we are old friends, older than our ages. With that said, I can’t help shake the same feeling I had with the former trigger of a deep loneliness, a deep feeling of being a bit lost, and a deep feeling of fear. The strange thing about deep feelings is that until acknowledged they are repressed and not experienced.

Anyway, these things always end up somewhat well. I always come out feeling like a million bucks, so I am not really worried. Besides, I have extended my hands in all three cases. All three thought I was insane. All three fell in love, and not with me, which was a damn shame but hey... The two got heartbroken. Today, they are stronger from heartbreak, i.e. opening their hearts to another, being vulnerable and being hurt from the experience. So, the third will end up the same, I am sure.

It is true that age gives us wisdom. I wish that I knew all of this on the first trigger. I wouldn’t have runaway on him. The second trigger I made sure not to run, but he skipped the country and started a new life without me. The last one is still happening and I can’t wait to see how that unfolds. It should be fun. It is an adventure for me. I think that all three could have learned from me, i.e. Tell the girls they fell in love with that they are drawn to them as soon as possible, just as I told them that I was drawn to them as soon as I could. Due to dragging their feet, many an unpleasant states of mind resulted.

I therefore write this with the hopes that my current trigger is reading this blog. I hope they use my behaviour as an example of how to behave to the women they love, that being, they should be totally honest from the start and just tell them how they feel. To do otherwise will just make things complicated later. Secondly, they should forgive themselves for their past. They did something or didn’t do something in the past, and they have been given a chance to undo or do it. Forgiveness of self starts with being honest with yourself and accepting yourself as you are.

If you are alone, unhappy, unsure or fearful, admit that to yourself, ask yourself “WHY?” Then once you discover the WHY, ask WHY NOT. E.g. If you are afraid to do some diving, ask yourself why you are afraid. If the reason is that you are afraid because it makes you feel claustrophobia, you admit that it is an irrational fear. Then, ask yourself why not do it anyway regardless of the fear. That is what I do and did everyday to speak to my triggers, I ask “Why Not?” and do it regardless of the fear. Maybe that is what I have to offer them, that honestly won’t kill them? I dunno.

Anyway, like magic, once my second trigger and I were done and I had completed supporting him through his ordeal (and through him teaching me about myself) the feeling I had for him disappeared as if it was never there. Amazing! From talking to each other everyday, we now probably talk to each other once a month. Our work together is done, and I am happy that we were able to complete it quickly. My second trigger and I don’t lie to each other. We are so honest with one another it would scare some people, but we are at that place where ego doesn’t exist. He is with his lovely gal, and I am still at it with another trigger. Never a dull moment, innit?

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Rebound Love


Dearest Reader, 
Why is it that my friends give me bad advice? And, why do I listen to it? I mean, it is good because it gets the job done but, it is bad because it is so ego based, it is almost unhealthy. Is it naive or stupid for me to be honest? Yes, probably! In the world we live in, being honest will get you right in the deep recesses of Satan’s crack, that is, somewhere painful and torturous. You will be punished and you will be forced into living in the fringes of society because of living your truth.

For example, I am a social outcast and I have ruined my reputation for expressing my desire for a guy. I have always been called stupid for doing this because I always end up here, i.e. alone, confused and disappointed. I have ruined my reputation because apparently, this guy has shared this information with his friends, and is now laughing at me because only desperate losers with no life do what I do. Worse than that, even after being told to fuck off, like a dog, not in those exact words but I was told to go away because I am a nuisance, I still persisted to try and convince the individual that I was not that bad. Apparently, this was the worst mistake I could ever make because I was begging him to be with me, which I wasn’t but I can see how it can seem that way. I was merely trying to make this person see reason by offering a massage and dinner, but now, where this person sits, he is laughing and mocking me for liking him. I am a laughing stock. *shrugs* If only he knew how accustomed to this shit I am, he wouldn’t.

I found this highly strange. What is so worthy of a mocking and laughing? Being liked and found attractive is funny? I usually appreciate such, and then dismiss it without making a fuss if I am not interested in the person, which is almost always. I have never been asked out by a man I liked back. Can you believe that? Yep. I like a man and I let him know. Once or twice, this worked out and a man and I were able to experience Nirvana but, these didn’t last, but boy am I glad I experienced these divine and godly connections?

Isn’t being desired a cause for celebration and thanks for yet another person thinking highly of one’s being? Well, no! If you like someone and tell them honestly, and you invite them into your life, you are an idiot. So, I was told to leave such foolish ways of honesty because the world doesn’t operate like that, and move on to the next guy who will adore me, have sex with this guy and forget about those that don’t appreciate me. My question was, “Just like that?”, in fact, that is always my question, even though I always do it anyway. They even highlighted that the next guy must always be better looking, richer and just better than the one with which I am besotted because this will show how ridiculously low I was setting my sights. When I replied, “Come on guys, i don’t like him for anything other than the fact that I do, so getting a guy who is “better” than him is not logical. How is this one better?” The girls looked at me with that, “Is she serious?” look and one answered me and said, “Look! You’ve become pathetic! That’s just plain and simple. You are pathetic to us, to even your crush. So, you need to get yourself back. You are beautiful, smart, accomplished and caring and this man has turned you into a pathetic loser who asks for affection through dinner and massages.”

I was taken aback. Am I that bad? Jeez! I like cooking and giving massages. And they are enjoyable to the person receiving them. They are a good way to connect and relax. I wasn’t buying anyone’s affections? I sighed and begun to think. “Yes, I could see how I could be seen as pathetic, but I don’t care,” I said.

Then, one girl said, “Well, we do! We won’t stand around and see you making a fool of yourself. No man is worth this much of your energy. Besides, he is distracting you from work. You’ve been moping around here and we miss you.”

Really? Is this how the world operates? It all seems sort of stupid to me, but I have nothing to do so I will take their advice and date a hot, rich random guy. At least I will get to be treated like a queen instead of being told to fuck off (not in those words, but that was the message, yes.). It’s about to be my birthday week so I deserve better than that. I deserve birthday sex. To that, I agree. I deserve to be happy. I just don’t agree with the lying bit and acting like people don’t matter when they do because I honestly believe that when we see something worthy of praise and appreciation, we should give it. I give praise where praise is due. I am just like that. People will not believe how much I walk my talk. When I say I am honest, I mean it. When I say that I am not afraid, I mean it. When I say that I am not going to compromise who I am for anyone, I mean it. Even when it means that I am a laughing stock, apparently. *Sigh*

To me, although I hate being alive in general, life itself can give us these rare, precious gifts that make being alive worth a little effort. It is not the first time I have ever liked a man, and it is not going to be the last if these men keep on acting like this, that is, telling me to fuck off, or telling me that they are not into me, or telling me that I am not their right fit, or telling me that I come on too strong. So, this is not new to me. I do come on too strong, but so fucking what? You’d be surprised that I just want to have a conversation with a man, but they seem to run ahead of themselves and think “sex” and “marriage”. Look, yeah... Sex, marriage and all that shite is easily attainable, especially for me. What is rare is to find is someone with which I have an emotional and intellectual connection plus a physical chemistry on top of that. What is rare is for me to feel safe with a man.

Ugh! Men just don’t get me. Or I don’t get them. Whatever. I am quite fed up that I am actually ready for a loveless, chemistry-less union where I just get treated like royalty and spoiled. I love being spoiled. I like it so much that it might make me fall in love, so rather that than dealing with confusing situations where I have to act like I am in a battle field filled with landmines, which is what this business of pretending feels like. Really uncomfortable.

I am not into short-term lovers and am I into long-term lovers. I am just into lovers who turn out to be whatever life desires. I don’t care whether relationships last or not. I care about events happening. I am all about experiencing life and its events, not about extending life and its experiences. I am not about watching life as a spectator. I am about taking part in life: I am a participator. So, all these games that humans play really mess with my idea of living.

One apple will never taste like another, but there are plenty of apples, if you know what I mean. But it is sad that there is one apple left on the table and someone takes that apple you were eyeing, trying to figure out if it was rotten, while you are left thinking, “Maybe I should have just gone for the apple because I won’t get another one until tomorrow.” Bad analogy? Whatever. I’m sure you understand.

If I don’t get the chance to experience divinity with one man, I will get to experience it with another. I am not the type to believe in scarcity of anything, especially in a world where there are millions of beautiful men. If life gives me a window period with one individual, I like to take advantage of the chance. I don’t rush things because I know that there is another around the corner, but still, when I miss one, it sucks because I have to wait until the next one in idle boredom. So, I don’t dilly dally and play around hoping to keep someone or hoping to reel them in. The sooner you deal with one, the sooner the next one arrives, I shit you not. I speak from experience. So, I just lay myself bare and say, “Here I am. Take me or not. It is your choice.”

Also, I am quite a catch, myself. Seldom am I not desired by men, so when one catches my eye, and I am besotted, they should go with it if they feel me, and not waste time. I don’t want someone who I once liked who liked me too, coming to me with lousy excuses like, “But, you didn’t show me that you liked me too” when I have nicely moved on with another man. I act the way I do as evidence so I can say, “Look! I gave it my all. I showed my intentions. I wasn’t ambiguous. I told you that I wanted to get closer. I showed you that you were my priority when I took notice of you, so please don’t make your problems of fear and indecision my problem. I am happy now. So, Goodbye. I will call you when I feel you again, but I have never looked back, so our ship has most likely sailed.”

This speech is a speech I make very often to guys who didn’t jump in when the window period into my life opened up. The ship sailed and they hate me now because they didn’t do anything about the window period. SMH! How that’s my fault, is a mystery. I just think men should grow some balls, generally. They don’t though until it is too late. I, on the other hand, have huge cahoons. Shit, I should have been a man or lesbian, or something. The masculine way in which I handle relationships is wasted. I am too direct. I am too honest. I don’t lie enough. Women would love me!

I am sure, if I lied and made myself out to be perfect and saintly, I would have reeled in some men I desired, but Good Lord, lying is so exhausting. I can’t even imagine how it feels to be unhappy with something and to pretend as if I am happy. I can’t even imagine letting people disrespect me just so that they can like me. I just can’t imagine showing people my “best” side first before my “worst” because when I am nervous and insecure, I get cranky and irritable, paranoid and generally unhappy. It is only when I am secure in a relationship with men that I become a breeze, so I am never going to be the perfect girl immediately. Put being lazy to lie with my inclination to be grumpy when unsure of where I stand, and I am going to run them off to the hills for quite some time, until I meet someone who can see through all of that emotional mess and say, “There is a sane person in there, and I am going to get her out by being direct, honest and patient.”

In the meantime, I will take my friend’s bad advice and get spoilt by men I don’t desire. That’s how my relationships form actually. I am usually coming from heartbreak, and my friends and I figure that I have nothing to do anyway, and that I should just date an eligible bachelor to keep my mind off the other dude. Then, a year or two later, I am still with my “rebound”. SMH! A hot mess! Then, the men I desired comes back from wherever they run to, saying they love me and at that moment, I am so angry with them for not being patient with me, so angry for making me be with my rebound instead of them, that I just never warm up to them again. I can’t forgive someone I desire forcing me to shag other men while he is alive. That to me spells lack of care. That to me says you can prostitute me off or let me be a prostitute if need be. It means that you are not protecting me. So, I can’t love someone who doesn’t make me feel safe.

That’s my relationship story. A string of rebounds turned boyfriends mysteriously before my eyes. Next thing, you find yourself turning down a marriage proposal realizing that, “Wait! I was with this guy because I was trying to get Mr. I-Don’t-Care-About-You” out of my mind, not because I loved this man. Oh, shit! I need to break up with this man so that he finds someone who really loves him.” And then I become single. This is my relationship pattern. I wish to break it but the guys I like won’t give me a break so, I keep on being with guys I don’t desire. Rebounds.

Yours Weirdly,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.