I always say to myself that, just because I know that I am going through meaningful tough times doesn’t make the times less tough. Just like currently, I know that I am going through a process of recalibration and of balancing some karma. I have become quite an expert in identifying signs of labour pains that occur whenever I am having a death/rebirth process of letting go of my old self and becoming a new being. This is what is happening to me now, and it is a pity that it has to be so uncomfortable.
Going from a lower energy vibration to a higher energy vibration is not fun. It comes with lots of irrational fears merely caused by entering a new level of consciousness. I am being greeted by LOVE/TRUTH energy, higher vibrating energy and it is unraveling me at the seams. I am writhing and squirming from a pain which has no rational source. I am not sure when it will end. All I know is that it will pass and that I must not avoid, resist or suppress any of it.
I am attracting those who are going through the same process, male and female. I can assist because I know the process, even though I may not understand why the process is happening, because I have been through such processes before.
The first big growth spurt was in the year 2003/2004. Then it was followed by one in the year 2007/2008. Now, one is happening in 2012. I am sure I also went through a huge downloading of energy prior to 2003 in 2001/2002, which was also uncomfortable but more bearable than the actual transformation because I just knew things and understood things that I shouldn’t know and I became distracted and unfocussed which is better than feeling intense pain for “no reason”. After each growth spurt, I surfaced as a new being with more understanding, a different lifestyle, more power and even a different look. I was reborn.
At least now I am no longer panicked by the process. I am just riding it nicely and steadily, waiting for it to reach its fruition so that I can start yet another process of growth.
On the 2003/2004 process, I went from total agnostic to believer in the other realms of existence, not because I merely understood these other realms of consciousness, but because I experienced them. In 2003/2004, I took part in my first divination experience where I was able to ask questions and receive direct and clear answers for what awaited me in my future. It was a simple process which involved fasting, constant prayer and a bible. I asked questions, opened the bible to passages and received answers as clearly as crystal. This was the first time that I got to know what my destiny was. I was taught how to pray properly through the bible and I knew that my life was the story of Jacob and his brothers who tried to kill him, then later bowed down to him, not recognising him any more. I am Jacob. (Not an easy life, but one of being the victor when it matters. I win the war.)
In 2007/2008 I had the next big growth rush. This time, I was being cleansed. I was shown quite clearly that I had to no longer ingest certain substances and foods in order to fulfil my destiny. I had a full on out of body experience and saw amazing things. This is not meant for everyone, but my cleansing was tailor made for me and my future and I could not go on and do the job I was born to do while still heavily bound to earth by its substances. So, I had to let go of certain foods and change my lifestyle to accommodate the energy which I was going to download in the future. I thus quit all forms of narcotics, ate my last bit of meat, and I then developed food allergies which made my food range very narrow, but which made me hold less toxins in my body because I eat very little now, and what I do eat is alive and higher in vibration.
In 2011/2012, I am going through another growth surge. This one is not yet obvious to me what it pertains to, and I don’t know what it requires of me since I am currently swimming in it. All I can say is the following. The growth that I am going through is igniting dormant fears that seem irrational now, but fears that might make sense if I knew my entire life, and not just the life I can observe in this realm. All I know is that the energy that is being triggered and released from me is making me act very recklessly, very arrogantly, very inconsistently and quite changeable, which is not typical of me. I am literally not afraid of anything except of being afraid of being afraid of nothing. I am a live wire.
Huh... The process has 4 year intervals, I see... Hmmm...
Here is the wonderful scoop about these changes. They are all Kundalini Rising. They are always triggered by “feelings” that I have for people, feelings that are irrational, obsessive, romantic and unreal. The feelings are strong so that I can pay attention to them. The feelings are uncomfortable because they are igniting the dormant volcano which lies within. They are meant to make me STOP and smell the roses because if I miss this opportunity, I lose out.
In 2002 I met a guy who triggered something deep within and I became a little sorcerer. I wouldn’t have been able to had I not met and felt for this guy. In 2006, I realized that I was in love with an old friend and again the feelings triggered a huge awakening that made me the person I have been until today, a philosopher of sorts. This year, I have met a guy and I am still waiting what goodies he awakens in me. Like the others, I have an inexplicable, irrational obsession with him and I am quite clear that it has nothing to do with him... unless he wants it to do with him (hehehe... just a joke there for my amusement).
What’s amazing about these experiences is that they are carbon copies of one another. Each one was handled by me in the exact same way. Each one ended up in nothing, as in, these guys didn’t become a part of my romantic life. We merely became friends. I did not have sex them nor did we kiss. What did happen with the guys is that right after I calmed down and the process passed for me, they went into their own awakenings and pretty much experienced what I experienced about them for other women. Therefore, judging from the pattern, I am pretty certain that this is how this one is going to end.
Now, I know this from experience, but the first time it happened, I didn’t know that I was beginning a pattern. The second time it happened I knew that something was definitely up. Now, the third time, I am more than sure that it is the same crap occurring again. For the second guy trigger, I worked with him as any friend would through his emotional death/rebirth, listened to his hurdles and comforted him where I could. I realized that, had I not become interested in him, I wouldn’t have been able to be there for him.
I find this entire thing, whatever it is, very cool, to be honest, except for the horrid fact that it is uncomfortable. I am very grateful though that I have the tools to handle this mess. I know how to deal with energy blockages, energy downloads and energy warfare, which I didn’t know when I was younger. Now I know the reason why I can’t contain myself when this process begins. I also know why I can’t help but be honest with these beings when it happens. Strangely, I thought all three trigger guys were gay at some point because all of them didn’t date conventionally. Then, through analysis and understanding I realized that they were not. They just didn’t have sex a lot because they had not yet triggered their kundalini. Once they did trigger their Serpent Selves, they became quite different humans to the humans they thought they were.
Where they once felt nothing, they felt emotions so deep, they thought they were dying. All I could say to them was that they should cry and let it out and not give a care because crying was the best way for them to release energy since they didn’t know meditation as I do. Alternatively, having sex balances and transmutes energy, yoga, massage therapy, acupuncture and other things which have become quite useful to me as I grow through this energy awakenings.
When I approached the second guy with my proposal and said, “Dude, I am drawn to you in an inexplicable way and my gut feeling is telling me to explore it. Are you willing?” He couldn’t. He had left the country and so that is how we never were able to do the process properly. Besides, he didn’t feel that way for me any more. I remember the first time I thought of him, it happened by dreaming of him a lot and I had this weird feeling as if he was depressed and that I needed to speak to him. With all three, I dreamt of them very often and the dreams were never, ever sexual, which made me realize that it wasn’t meant to be a sexual union.
This last one is happening the same way. I feel that he is going through some transformation which could be confusing or painful. Maybe I am feeling something that has not yet occurred, but this is what I feel. I dream of him often too, and I dream of him when he is asleep. The dreams are never sexual, except for the last one which wasn’t very sexual but it had sexual energy in it, which never happens. The dreams are always intimate, as if we are old friends, older than our ages. With that said, I can’t help shake the same feeling I had with the former trigger of a deep loneliness, a deep feeling of being a bit lost, and a deep feeling of fear. The strange thing about deep feelings is that until acknowledged they are repressed and not experienced.
Anyway, these things always end up somewhat well. I always come out feeling like a million bucks, so I am not really worried. Besides, I have extended my hands in all three cases. All three thought I was insane. All three fell in love, and not with me, which was a damn shame but hey... The two got heartbroken. Today, they are stronger from heartbreak, i.e. opening their hearts to another, being vulnerable and being hurt from the experience. So, the third will end up the same, I am sure.
It is true that age gives us wisdom. I wish that I knew all of this on the first trigger. I wouldn’t have runaway on him. The second trigger I made sure not to run, but he skipped the country and started a new life without me. The last one is still happening and I can’t wait to see how that unfolds. It should be fun. It is an adventure for me. I think that all three could have learned from me, i.e. Tell the girls they fell in love with that they are drawn to them as soon as possible, just as I told them that I was drawn to them as soon as I could. Due to dragging their feet, many an unpleasant states of mind resulted.
I therefore write this with the hopes that my current trigger is reading this blog. I hope they use my behaviour as an example of how to behave to the women they love, that being, they should be totally honest from the start and just tell them how they feel. To do otherwise will just make things complicated later. Secondly, they should forgive themselves for their past. They did something or didn’t do something in the past, and they have been given a chance to undo or do it. Forgiveness of self starts with being honest with yourself and accepting yourself as you are.
If you are alone, unhappy, unsure or fearful, admit that to yourself, ask yourself “WHY?” Then once you discover the WHY, ask WHY NOT. E.g. If you are afraid to do some diving, ask yourself why you are afraid. If the reason is that you are afraid because it makes you feel claustrophobia, you admit that it is an irrational fear. Then, ask yourself why not do it anyway regardless of the fear. That is what I do and did everyday to speak to my triggers, I ask “Why Not?” and do it regardless of the fear. Maybe that is what I have to offer them, that honestly won’t kill them? I dunno.
Anyway, like magic, once my second trigger and I were done and I had completed supporting him through his ordeal (and through him teaching me about myself) the feeling I had for him disappeared as if it was never there. Amazing! From talking to each other everyday, we now probably talk to each other once a month. Our work together is done, and I am happy that we were able to complete it quickly. My second trigger and I don’t lie to each other. We are so honest with one another it would scare some people, but we are at that place where ego doesn’t exist. He is with his lovely gal, and I am still at it with another trigger. Never a dull moment, innit?