|Lying on the grass, looking upon the home that does not feel like my home.|
It is Sunday, birds are chirping, and although it is still winter, the sun is warm but not aggressively so as it would in summer. We are near spring and things are looking good and I can hear spring whisper, but the grass is still brown, although, is the grass ever truly green in Johannesburg. It seems to always be olive green and slightly malnourished.
The sun is also setting fast. It makes me more nostalgic and reminiscent of a few days ago when I was in the northern hemisphere, and where the sun set at around nine in the evening by the time I came back here. It was a great month away indeed, and I am sad to say that I didn't look forward to coming back as much as one would think when away from home. I could have stayed there for another month, unfortunately, a month of holidaying is already a luxury. Two months would be more than I could ever afford. I have work to do here, I have a career to strengthen and responsibilities to my family, therefore, coming home, was indeed bittersweet.
It was a pleasure to see my friends again when I came back. A bittersweet pleasure because I lost some friends when I came home as well. I suppose, the reality, as it now stands is that, although I have been given and blessed with a lot that I desired, I can not have all that I desire. Not just yet. One day maybe. One day, I will be able to not compromise because there would not be a need to. I look forward to that day.
It is with gentle yet subtle sadness that I write this blog post. It is as if I am missing something in my life since I returned 7 days ago. I get bored easily, and not due to lack of things to do, but due to lack of things I desire to do. Like right now, I would like to cook a lovely and creamy lactose free mushroom pasta, but I can not because the kitchen here at my place just seems not as inviting as the kitchen when I was on holiday. You see, right now there is a bird running beserk in the kitchen, in a scary way. Well, that is not normal but still, I don't know... I just want the kitchen I cooked in for the last month. That is all It is just how it is. Again, although I have a lot of things to look forward to, I am slightly demotivated. I have literally gone down one energy level and I have the memories of a higher energy level and it is heartbreaking a bit because I fear that it will be too long to stand for my current energy state.
Vulnerability is not a bad state of mind to be in, but there are two types of vulnerability. Sometimes we get vulnerable because we are secure enough that we can not be harmed, and in my case, I am vulnerable because I do not feel safe. I am not in physical danger. I'm just... Not complete. I might be back home, but I don't feel at home. So much has changed in such a small period that, I am feeling confused and unsettled, if I am to be honest with myself. It's like I am in a new place, not the place I left, not the sanctuary I once enjoyed.
I could speculate as to why that is, but it doesn't matter why. What matters is what I am going to do about it and how I am going to feel at home again. A Cancer Moon needs to feel at home, otherwise, s/he becomes cranky and goes back into their crab shells, to find comfort there. The thing is though, I would like to find comfort out of my shell too.
The sun is gone now. So let me go inside and mope.