Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Tired As F*ck!

Dearest Reader,

Birds are chirping outside. It is dawn already. It is a new day, and the last day of February on a leap year, on the year of the apocalypse, February 29th, 2012. Ha! Apparently, women are supposed to ask men out today? Or is this something that happens throughout the entire year? Also, apparently, Earth is supposed to go berserk and destroy us all. Anyway, who cares? It doesn't matter to me. If I wanted to ask someone out on a date, I am sure I would ask them, leap year or not. And, if we are going to all die, I am sure that there is little I can do about it. Ugh! The idea of an apocalypse is depressing, so moving on...

I decided to sleep early, but all that did was make my sleeping patterns more unruly. I had woken up to visit the loo at around 02:37am and I never quite fell back to sleep. Then... an IM conversation on Whatsapp might have also contributed to my inability to fall asleep, so I am up. I don't even know who I was speaking to, that's how drunk I was with sleep. I think I must check my phone and see who I was speaking to and see what I said, just in case I might have to do some damage control. I know I make it sound as if I speak to people on the phone in a daze on a regular basis, but this is a rare occurrence and I am a bit uncomfortable that I was carrying a conversation with someone I don't remember. Plus, knowing myself, I can be quite the weirdo, unpredictable crazy, so I don't put anything pass myself when I am sleepy. Look at twitter for example. I tweet the most transparent, most sensitive and most uncomfortable things when I am sleepy.

*grabs phone and checks chat history*

Oh! It was my brother's friend. *shrug*

Hmmm... Today is going to be a highly charged day. There is a lot going on, and a lot that needs to be done and decided upon. On top of that, I have to fit in 8 hrs' sleep. I wonder how they do it? I mean, how do recording artists get time to do their work effectively and still maintain their balance in mind, body and spirit? The last 5 days have been strenuous for me because I not only had work to think of but I also had things on the personal front which demanded and drained my energy. *Sigh* I bet I look tired.

I think I need to get on a really strict raw food diet as a form of detox because on top of all these strains, I have been having an unsettled tummy which just makes life even more of a challenge. I bet I wouldn't be as drained if my tummy was fine.

So, from now on, I will adopt the following as a prerequisite for my life:

  1. 1 day of fasting per week.
  2. 1 day of raw food detox a week
  3. 1 day of pampering a week
  4. 1 day of staying home a week
  5. 1 day of hanging with friends a week
I don't know how I will make that work, but somewhere in a week, all those things must be done because right now I feel like drinking lots of water and eating fruit all day while sitting in bed or on the couch and doing nothing. All I know is that, I have to find balance. I can't have my system out of whack. I can't be feeling anything but vitality. I feel like crap right now, to be honest. Bummer! 

So, on that note, let me go and attempt to sleep again, and hopefully I will wake up at 4pm or something, or the next day on March 1st. Wouldn't that just be wonderful? Yeah, I am drained. it is time to reboot. When I wake up, whenever that will be, I will meditate and gather energy and spend time alone. You see, most of the reason of being drained is the fact that I have been unable to be alone much except when sleeping and that doesn't count. 

Sorry for the bitching. Life is pretty awesome minus the tiredness, so don't feel bad for me. But, please understand that, I am tired and I need to rejuvenate so I am ignoring you for a good reason. As a matter of fact, I should contact my manager and tell him that my phone will be off so as not to be disturbed by phone calls and text messages as I was earlier this morning. 


Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace, Power!

My Horoscope for today

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Gluten: The Backstabbing Friend!

random pic coz I can't be arsed finding pics
Dearest Reader,

I am in disbelief and in subtle annoyance that I should be up at this ungodly hour, 07:48am. I only fell asleep 4 hours ago or so. I am not subdued enough to sleep, but I am also not alert enough to be productive. That disposition of ambiguity is annoying. I am a decisive person, and grey areas are generally not my favorite. Therefore, to try to make use of this multi-dimensional state of mind, I decided that the only thing that I can do is write. So, here goes:

To begin with, I have a low tolerance for gluten, but due to greed and obvious masochist behavior, I ate a lot of bread and pasta in these last 24 hours and now I have stomach cramps. Perfect! That's exactly what I need in my life right now as I am busy recording. Just perfect.

Secondly, I had an awesome time at the studio last night. Preparation and taking one's work seriously, always reaps favourable results, and I am confident to report that we created a hit yesterday. What's left today is for me to go back to studio today and tie up loose ends on the tracks and add finishing touches such as harmonies and ad-libs to the song. Pain or not, I am going to that studio to finish what I started. *works myself up like a Berserker*

*ooohh, I just got caught by a very strong sleepiness as I type this. Good!*

Obviously, I can't go on typing now. I need to grab the opportunity to sleep while it presents itself. One thing I must be mindful of is that, in the next blog, I need to discuss a few things that every singer should be aware of before embarking on a recording career; things such as publishing rights, SAMRO (for South African artists), contracts and agreements, and intellectual property.

I feel that this is an important topic of discussion because from what I have been seeing thus far, a lot of artists are so caught up on trying to be famous that they have forgotten to look out for their own best interests, leaving themselves vulnerable to being broke, and taken advantage of by those who know the laws that govern music. Of course, I don't suffer fools, therefore, I don't feel that ignorant artists are victims of other people, but just victims of their own lack of intellectual vigilance; victims of their own ignorance. The point though will be to demonstrate that, as an artist, you have to be smart and you can't be driven by fame being your goal because fame is fleeting, but personal power can be long-lasting .

Artists need to treat their careers as any business, hence it is called SHOW BUSINESS!

In music, and in all arts, business principles have to be kept under close surveillance. There is no time for romanticizing things in business. Yes, we do it for the love of our art, but how loving is it for artists to remain poor and unsustainable to practice their art? In the next blog, I would like to touch on a few factors which can contribute to making or breaking your as a success, because believe it or not, even as an unknown artist, I am fairly knowledgeable and successful (as far as I am concerned). I will also explain why it takes longer to start reaping rewards in SHOW BIZ if you treat it as a business with sustainable resources.I will also give advice on some spiritual principles that if kept, can attract abundance, love and peace.

My brother just woke up. I didn't realize that I still had my earplugs on until he started talking to me. LOL. He sort of snapped me out of my sleepiness.

I think I will just go to the pharmacy or better yet, I should drink tons of water and see if this stomach can calm down with the pain and cramps. Gawd! A life without bread! I don't think I can do it. I mean, I don't drink, or smoke, or do drugs, and nor do I eat meat. Now, am I to accept that I can't eat bread either? What kind of life is that? I have never quit anything I liked ingesting, so putting gluten behind me is going to be a taxing journey because I like carbs. I might not succeed in quitting, but we'll see...

I am not going to go back to sleep, but I am going to go back to bed and drink water as if my life depends on it, to flush out whatever is making me uncomfortable. I am not going to the pharmacy. I have made enough contributions to the pharmaceutical companies this month what with period pains, fever and sore chest. So... No more!!


Cheerio, kiddos!

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace, Power!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Booty Calls

The Cellphone: one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse
Dearest Reader,

I've just finished my preparations for a studio (recording) session which will begin in 20 hrs' time. The song, if I have any say on it, since it is a collaboration, shall be called "How Dare You?" and it is about a booty call receiver who has become too big for their boots; a booty call who has forgotten their position in the lover hierarchy by forgetting that booty calls are after all, disposable. Before we go any further, even though I am sure we all know what a booty call is, let us see its definition:

A Booty call is defined as follows by the Urban Dictionary:
"A late night summons -- often made via telephone -- to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis."
I couldn't have said it better myself. The operative words are "summons" and "ad hoc".

In the song I wrote about one or two particular dynamics of such a tryst, the fact that it is not a relationship of equal power, that there is an authority, the one who makes the calls, and then there is the used party who receives instructions and performs their "job". But, in some cases, the power distribution gets muddled as the call receiver either tries to get their power back, or as the call receiver loses interest in the relationship, by refusing to do as they are told. Then, the authority in such a relationship becomes beffudled and incensed by the refusal to have the booty call do as they are told, asking, "How Dare You [refuse me]? You are nothing but a booty call. You have over-estimated your worth if you think that refusing me will make you more valuable to me." Basically, the song is about one or both parties being caught up in a power struggle of sorts.

I found it quite interesting to write such a song because I have never allowed myself to write about the superficial side of life. Yes, booty calls are superficial and they aren't usually a source of artistic inspiration. I am happy that I received an opportunity to make such a song because it took me out of my comfort zone in sound and in content. The fact is, I have been someone's booty call, I am sure, but it was nothing to write about. Anyway, the song is a dance track; a house music track. When it is completed and available, I will try to post it here or include it in my album. We shall see how things progress.

I am sure that you are dying to find out whether the song is about me receiving or whether it is about me giving a booty call. As I sit here, staring at the computer screen, wondering if I should tell you, laughter bubbles up because this whole thing is amusing, really. I never saw it coming, "ït" being me writing a song about a booty call, or even contemplating booty calls generally. I mean, what's next? A song about shopping? Or lip gloss? I do go shopping and I sometimes use lip-gloss, but does it justify writing a song about it? The only consolation is that, this is an issue which has almost all humans in mental anguish, i.e. being used for sex or using others for sex. We've all been on one of the sides of this coin.
Power Struggles

Booty calls are flawed. They are a result of this patriarchal system we live in, in other words, booty calls are stupid. In any union where there is not an equality of power and respect, where one party feels cheapened and devalued, problems will always arise, hearts will be broken and tears will be shed. Booty calls cheapen sex, something very sacred, although equally mundane.

On my side though, anyone who has ever cheapened me, or ever made me shed a tear has always had their asses kicked by karma. I don't know what it is. Maybe I was born to be a catalyst to people's pain, which would be a horrible reason to have been birthed, but it is a pattern I have seen. No one, I mean no one who has made me shed a tear has ever found peace in their lives thereafter. I once felt that this was the reason why I didn't have peace either. Believe me, I have prayed that peace be with the heartbreaking fuckers, but my prayers have not been heard. Therefore, being used, although painful, is a pain that passes. It is more like embarrassment, anyway that I could be treated so badly and allow it. Those who have hurt me, have been observed to experience everlasting discontent thus far. Maybe they'll snap out of it. So, due to such, I have learned to let things go. I forgive. I forget even. I can forgive because I have seen that... I dunno. Why kick people when they are about to get the worst beating from life?

Have you guessed which I am? The booty call giver or the receiver?

Anyway, I am tired and pissed now from thinking about this shite. So, I am gonna stop typing because this is about to get out of hand. Let me read my horoscope for today from and sleep. I was going to watch the Oscars. Apparently they are going to start in 20 minutes, but I am going to rest. I'm starting to have indigestion thinking about being used by men for sex. A smart woman like me? Falling for such rubbish? How does that happen? SMH. Sometimes I wonder if I am intelligent at all. Honestly! At this moment, I am convinced that I am stupid.

Okay, the feeling is gone now. I feel smart again, but hurt.

Thank You for reading my convoluted thoughts.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace, Power!

My actual horoscope for 27 Feb 2012

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Highly Sensitive Person

HSPs prefer solitude than crowds mostly
Dearest Reader,

Know Thyself. I repeat... Know Thyself. If you are ignorant of the self, the good and the bad, you shall complicate your life unnecessarily. Therefore, reflect! The more you reflect, the easier life becomes.

Due to introspection, questioning and investigation into WHO I AM, and into what makes me tick, I discovered some years ago that I was an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and this is part of why I am a loner weirdo with too much self-awareness. Below are some of the characteristics of HSPs:

  • You are very creative. 
  • You are very conscientious, hard working, and meticulous, but may become uncomfortable and less efficient or productive when being watched or scrutinized. 
  • You may experience mood swings, sometimes occurring almost instantly and can also be affected by other people's moods, emotions and problems.
  • You have a deep, rich, inner life, are very spiritual, and may also have vivid dreams
  • You have had the experience of "cutting people out" of your life
  • You are very intuitive and you feel that you can usually sense if someone isn't telling the truth or if something else is wrong. 
That is me in a nutshell. 

Due to this, it is more important than with other people to surround myself with positive energy because I absorb people's moods, mannerisms and all sorts of things that might not benefit me. I am writing about this because I was in a good mood all day, and then by experiencing someone who wasn't in a good mood, I immediately dipped. I didn't build a shield to protect myself as I didn't see it coming, which will teach me to always have a shield on stand-by before I speak to people who aren't my family members, protecting me against psychic vampires

Illustration of how one absorbs or takes energy from others
Now, don't make a fuss. Psychic vampires are split into different categories, the one who is a psychic vampire out of greed and the other who is one out of need. The greedy ones are the drama queens (yes, I also have my moments), the aloof types who try to be mysterious and ignore you out of spite, the interrogators who ask a lot of questions that drain a person, the aggressive one who bully people and make others feel small and the pity-party ones who feed off your pity through their sad, sad life. These are the greedy ones. The accidental ones who get vampiric out of need may be sick people, depressed people who are going through a hard time temporarily and so on. I thought I put that out there, that not all psychic vampires have bad intentions. 

HSPs like me are like manna from heaven for psychic vampires, but also, we sometimes flock towards them because we can not ignore pain, lack of confidence, fear and all these things that people hide successfully, but that which we HSP see clearly. It then becomes a moth to a flame thing, the flame being the psychic vampire at the time. 

The "stuff" that needs to be shielded from others. 
This is why I am agoraphobic as I mentioned before. I can't handle crowds. They literally hurt me in places that most people have never felt. I can't stand noise unless it is for short amounts of time, and I can feel out the energy of my surrounding and of people as if it is written on the wall. This makes a person (me) quite troubled, anxious and eccentric. 

There are ways to handle it, of course, and I have implemented many of them successfully. Unfortunately, when people who do not understand this about me, and HSPs in general, observe my behavior, they always  say that I am snobbish and distant - until they get to know me, of course. They will accuse HSP of all sorts of evil when all we are doing is protecting ourselves. Another thing about HSPs is that we go extreme in substance abuse. We either don't touch drugs and alcohol at all, because the loss of control we feel under the substances make us feel more anxious, or, we take drugs a lot as a coping mechanism to numb the anxiety.

Another thing about HSPs is that, they struggle in relationships usually because they get overwhelmed by the partner. They prefer to see people in small doses, and I can relate with that. I can't live with anyone for too long before I get annoyed and need time away to recover somewhere on my own. This means, marriage can be a challenge because that comes with living together with another human who might be a nag, or a person who might be needy and take our behavior personally when it isn't.

As for the career that I am in, it poses a bit of a challenge. One thing about HSPs is stage fright, which you already know that I have in abundance, which I must admit, affects the quality of work I put out. Therefore, before and after a performance I NEED to be alone in a silent place. Call me a diva, but if that doesn't happen, a shitty performance shall follow filled with constrained vocal cords which sounds bad, sweating and shaking. During these silent moments of solitude, I am meditating to balance my heart-rate and make it slower. I do not build a shield before performing because I need to exchange my energy with the audience. After the performance though, I build a shield where I will be required to speak to people and mingle. 

This is an illustration of someone sitting in lotus position
Just to go into detail, so that this becomes helpful, I sit in lotus position on the floor, and take deep breaths, and concentrate on my breathing until I am calm and breathing slowly. I then pray and ask for The Creator, through his messengers, to protect, comfort and pour love into me so that I may be strong for the performance. After the performance, I give thanks, once again in lotus position, build that shield and ask for my messengers to proceed with the in pouring of love, protection and comfort, with the permission of The Creator. Call it superstition. Whatever! it works!  

I am a highly sensitive person. I am one of millions of my kind. Please don't assume that our demeanor is of superiority, snobbishness and attention seeking. We cocoon ourselves out of need, not out of desire. If it wasn't for our time alone, we would be rendered physically sick. We ask for your understanding when our mood change suddenly. It is not that we are bipolar (some are), we are merely energy sponges. Our loving nature, our gentleness, and our keen intuition and powers of deduction come with a price. The price is our often tumultuous, brooding and dark natures. We are channels and conduits for energy, and when not properly managed, we hold the harmful energy in. Be patient with us, even if you may not understand our plight. 

If I wasn't a Highly Sensitive Person, I wouldn't be an artist. Period. 

Thank You for Reading,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power! 

Trained to be HSP, but also lethal is the Shaolin Monk.
P.S. Just because we are sensitive doesn't mean we are push overs and cowards. We WILL kick your ass. Spiritually, we can drain you as much as you can drain us. Remember, we are sponges, and we can deplete you through spiritual warfare, verbal warfare or for those who are physically strong, (usually HSP men), we can give you an ass-whippin' that's not to be forgotten. Hence, we have enemies, who we have chastised through them thinking that they can walk all over us. 

I'm just sayin... I also feel better after purging through writing this post.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Think, Therefore I Am.

Dearest Reader,

The Thinker
I had written a few paragraphs of a reflective blog about how I have lost my edge and have become a softy who gets easily hurt, and so on, but I decided that it was too much of a pity-party of a piece and so I deleted it. On that piece, I was running from the truth, really. I wasn't expressing what I was really feeling. I was intellectualizing my emotions, and thus I was being dishonest, and I pride myself for my honesty, so it had to go. So, I will write about the truth. Humans are lied to more than enough without me adding to the bullshit, so here goes...

The truth is hard to accept without posting it on the internet, which I am about to do. I am reluctant to do so, but what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of being "wrong"? Surely, not. Am I afraid of seeming weak? Maybe... I am reluctant to share what I am feeling and I wonder why? Maybe it is because of the stalker bitches who shall rejoice about my unhappiness if I do post this? That's quite plausible. I wouldn't want to give haters material. Yeah, I discovered a few weeks ago that I actually have haters. Why the hell someone would hate on me, is hard to imagine since I am pure awesomeness (sarcastic). *sigh* Anyway, I am stalling...

Okay, here is the issue I have. I pride myself at being able to identify flaws about myself and working on them until they are no more. It is what I am good at, beside all the other gifts and skills I have. But, with being good at almost everything, I am bad at one thing, and that is: I am bad at being in personal and romantic relationships (and I have all of sudden become one of those girls that hook up with assholes, all of a sudden). I don't know if they are even assholes. Maybe I just see these guys as assholes, but empiric data supports my suspicions, and these men are in real fact assholes of the highest order on paper, but who knows? Maybe I am wrong... 

Honestly, I am not even sure whether this is an area in life which I have to be good at. From my vantage point, it would seem that men cheat on their girlfriends while expecting women to be faithful. Secondly, men are seldom single, and will remain in a relationship just to have a warm body in their beds. Lastly, and there's more, most men that I have encountered are some piece of work! They will lose interest after you give it up. Due to these factors, men and I are in a position of intense opposition. I can't be with someone who is with somebody else, I can't be with someone who is/was cheating on me and I can't be with someone who doesn't like me. And due to these irreconcilable differences, I am not good at relationships. This breaks my heart. It really does. I makes me feel less human that I am not good at the very thing which makes humans human, i.e. interaction and sharing their life with one another. 

Due to this sad fact, I fantasize about personal relationships with men. I do not live them much. 

Isn't that just sad? *grabs an invisible Kleenex and mock cries*

I am not often sad about my dilemma because whenever I try these relationships, I always find myself wishing I never did. Nothing drives me to complete depression than men and "being with" them. I have never thrived or found myself at peace in a relationship. I have never found new meaning in one and I have never changed for the better in a relationship. I have always just slowly spiraled down to the dark recessed of depression when I was in them. Then, when I got out of one, I was always thankful to the Lawd for sparing me and getting me out of hell unscathed. So, I can't be happy with them, and I am obviously not satisfied without them. So, what do I do?

This is a catch 22. 

Lately, I have been bombarded with attractive men, and I've been loving each and every moment of drooling over them but I have not engaged further than observing because I think I am cursed. Besides, they aren't asking me out so maybe I have no choice but to drool because I am so not throwing myself at any man. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can get me to throw myself at him. I suspect I am doomed to just watch, or pay the price of partaking and being hurt. So, I have chosen the former. 

I also have bad habits too. I am not innocent in this mess. I do have the tendency to push men away before they start their nonsense by exhibiting bad behavior like starting fights, or demanding more than they can give and just being a total lunatic. I sometimes set up deal breakers like cutting ties if a man doesn't call the next day after the beast with two backs, or breaking up with him if I feel in any way unappreciated, mainly because I really appreciate myself, so I can't accept less than what I give myself. 

Could that be the problem? That is, could having a high self-worth be my problem with men? 

I'd love to say that I am experiencing such "problems" because I am confident, honorable and true, while these men are the culprits. Wouldn't that just be convenient? I know that I am a wonderful specimen of human, but I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, I am very messed up. I just can't take or accept the conditions under which I have to live in order to be in a relationship of long standing. I will not stay with a man who cheats on me. I will not be with a man who is in a relationship. I will not be with a man who is horrible to me. Period. So, what now?

Catch 22
Well, if I can't beat them, I might have to join them, and be one of those women who say, "Men cheat. It is how they are designed. They can't help it!" and believe it when I say it. Or, I will have to turn into those women who say, "I don't care that he is in a relationship. What matters is what happens when we are together. His wife (or girlfriend) is none of my business." Or lastly, I will have to be those women who say, "He treated me badly but I love him so I will stick it through. He says I am fat and ugly because I am. He slaps me because he can't help himself. It's because he is honest and passionate." And I will have to train myself to believe these things as much as I believe in myself. I will have to brainwash myself a little. I wonder if I will ever pull it off. Maybe in my 50s, when I am desperate, I will give it a whirl.

Then maybe I won't have to. Maybe there are men who don't cheat on their sexual partners. I know... Funny and unrealistic, right? Maybe there are guys who pursue women only when they are single. Ha! Even though these last two are kind of hard to imagine, I do know that there are men who aren't abusive. At least that I can say I have seen and experienced. Men these days are something else. They are cowards with no honor. If one can not control one's baser natures, how is one different from an animal? If one can not glorify a woman, how is one truly a man? 

*sigh* All these emotions were inspired after hearing that a man that I am interested in was spotted being cozy with a woman, his woman, at some pizza joint. LMAO! See? I have issues. 

I guess I am thankful for hearing such "disturbing" news because it forced me to reflect, because after being slightly annoyed by hearing this, I asked myself why I care because she probably has better use for the dear man than I would. I wouldn't be able to deal with a man, with all his "hit and run" tendencies, his insecurities and his cheating. Therefore, somebody else might as well enjoy the guy because I probably wouldn't. Do I wish it were me that he was being cozy with? My first answer would be "Yes" but then after some thought it becomes "maybe", and then it becomes "no". I guess, I don't know. 

Being worked up by something so trivial, even though it was to a small degree, was kind of silly of me. It was human though. One could even say it was cute. Was it a bad thing? Not one bit. It felt bad but it was good for me. Now, I can sit back and ask myself whether I want to be in a relationship with a man after all. I like romance A LOT, but I don't like relationships, but could I have changed my mind? *shrugs* It gives me something to think about. So, jealousy did make me nasty for a few seconds, I must admit. LMAO! I called the dear woman a horse. SMH! How immature of me.

Anyway, that is all for tonight's existentialism.

Thank You for reading.

I am going to go to lie in bed and think about what I desire in my personal life. If I can finalize what I desire, I may start attracting what I desire. Changing my mind, although it is my prerogative, unfortunately doesn't produce any results. I am result driven and so changing my mind is counter-productive for me in this instance. 

Good Night 

*waves and blows you a kiss*

Veronnica Wolpendz,
Love, Peace  and Power!!

P.S. I wonder what diatribe I will be spitting on Valentine's Day?