I Think, Therefore I Am.
I had written a few paragraphs of a reflective blog about how I have lost my edge and have become a softy who gets easily hurt, and so on, but I decided that it was too much of a pity-party of a piece and so I deleted it. On that piece, I was running from the truth, really. I wasn't expressing what I was really feeling. I was intellectualizing my emotions, and thus I was being dishonest, and I pride myself for my honesty, so it had to go. So, I will write about the truth. Humans are lied to more than enough without me adding to the bullshit, so here goes...
The truth is hard to accept without posting it on the internet, which I am about to do. I am reluctant to do so, but what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of being "wrong"? Surely, not. Am I afraid of seeming weak? Maybe... I am reluctant to share what I am feeling and I wonder why? Maybe it is because of the stalker bitches who shall rejoice about my unhappiness if I do post this? That's quite plausible. I wouldn't want to give haters material. Yeah, I discovered a few weeks ago that I actually have haters. Why the hell someone would hate on me, is hard to imagine since I am pure awesomeness (sarcastic). *sigh* Anyway, I am stalling...
Okay, here is the issue I have. I pride myself at being able to identify flaws about myself and working on them until they are no more. It is what I am good at, beside all the other gifts and skills I have. But, with being good at almost everything, I am bad at one thing, and that is: I am bad at being in personal and romantic relationships (and I have all of sudden become one of those girls that hook up with assholes, all of a sudden). I don't know if they are even assholes. Maybe I just see these guys as assholes, but empiric data supports my suspicions, and these men are in real fact assholes of the highest order on paper, but who knows? Maybe I am wrong...
Honestly, I am not even sure whether this is an area in life which I have to be good at. From my vantage point, it would seem that men cheat on their girlfriends while expecting women to be faithful. Secondly, men are seldom single, and will remain in a relationship just to have a warm body in their beds. Lastly, and there's more, most men that I have encountered are some piece of work! They will lose interest after you give it up. Due to these factors, men and I are in a position of intense opposition. I can't be with someone who is with somebody else, I can't be with someone who is/was cheating on me and I can't be with someone who doesn't like me. And due to these irreconcilable differences, I am not good at relationships. This breaks my heart. It really does. I makes me feel less human that I am not good at the very thing which makes humans human, i.e. interaction and sharing their life with one another.
Due to this sad fact, I fantasize about personal relationships with men. I do not live them much.
Isn't that just sad? *grabs an invisible Kleenex and mock cries*
I am not often sad about my dilemma because whenever I try these relationships, I always find myself wishing I never did. Nothing drives me to complete depression than men and "being with" them. I have never thrived or found myself at peace in a relationship. I have never found new meaning in one and I have never changed for the better in a relationship. I have always just slowly spiraled down to the dark recessed of depression when I was in them. Then, when I got out of one, I was always thankful to the Lawd for sparing me and getting me out of hell unscathed. So, I can't be happy with them, and I am obviously not satisfied without them. So, what do I do?
This is a catch 22.
Lately, I have been bombarded with attractive men, and I've been loving each and every moment of drooling over them but I have not engaged further than observing because I think I am cursed. Besides, they aren't asking me out so maybe I have no choice but to drool because I am so not throwing myself at any man. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can get me to throw myself at him. I suspect I am doomed to just watch, or pay the price of partaking and being hurt. So, I have chosen the former.
I also have bad habits too. I am not innocent in this mess. I do have the tendency to push men away before they start their nonsense by exhibiting bad behavior like starting fights, or demanding more than they can give and just being a total lunatic. I sometimes set up deal breakers like cutting ties if a man doesn't call the next day after the beast with two backs, or breaking up with him if I feel in any way unappreciated, mainly because I really appreciate myself, so I can't accept less than what I give myself.
Could that be the problem? That is, could having a high self-worth be my problem with men?
I'd love to say that I am experiencing such "problems" because I am confident, honorable and true, while these men are the culprits. Wouldn't that just be convenient? I know that I am a wonderful specimen of human, but I am not perfect. As a matter of fact, I am very messed up. I just can't take or accept the conditions under which I have to live in order to be in a relationship of long standing. I will not stay with a man who cheats on me. I will not be with a man who is in a relationship. I will not be with a man who is horrible to me. Period. So, what now?
Well, if I can't beat them, I might have to join them, and be one of those women who say, "Men cheat. It is how they are designed. They can't help it!" and believe it when I say it. Or, I will have to turn into those women who say, "I don't care that he is in a relationship. What matters is what happens when we are together. His wife (or girlfriend) is none of my business." Or lastly, I will have to be those women who say, "He treated me badly but I love him so I will stick it through. He says I am fat and ugly because I am. He slaps me because he can't help himself. It's because he is honest and passionate." And I will have to train myself to believe these things as much as I believe in myself. I will have to brainwash myself a little. I wonder if I will ever pull it off. Maybe in my 50s, when I am desperate, I will give it a whirl.
Then maybe I won't have to. Maybe there are men who don't cheat on their sexual partners. I know... Funny and unrealistic, right? Maybe there are guys who pursue women only when they are single. Ha! Even though these last two are kind of hard to imagine, I do know that there are men who aren't abusive. At least that I can say I have seen and experienced. Men these days are something else. They are cowards with no honor. If one can not control one's baser natures, how is one different from an animal? If one can not glorify a woman, how is one truly a man?
*sigh* All these emotions were inspired after hearing that a man that I am interested in was spotted being cozy with a woman, his woman, at some pizza joint. LMAO! See? I have issues.
I guess I am thankful for hearing such "disturbing" news because it forced me to reflect, because after being slightly annoyed by hearing this, I asked myself why I care because she probably has better use for the dear man than I would. I wouldn't be able to deal with a man, with all his "hit and run" tendencies, his insecurities and his cheating. Therefore, somebody else might as well enjoy the guy because I probably wouldn't. Do I wish it were me that he was being cozy with? My first answer would be "Yes" but then after some thought it becomes "maybe", and then it becomes "no". I guess, I don't know.
Being worked up by something so trivial, even though it was to a small degree, was kind of silly of me. It was human though. One could even say it was cute. Was it a bad thing? Not one bit. It felt bad but it was good for me. Now, I can sit back and ask myself whether I want to be in a relationship with a man after all. I like romance A LOT, but I don't like relationships, but could I have changed my mind? *shrugs* It gives me something to think about. So, jealousy did make me nasty for a few seconds, I must admit. LMAO! I called the dear woman a horse. SMH! How immature of me.
Anyway, that is all for tonight's existentialism.
Thank You for reading.
I am going to go to lie in bed and think about what I desire in my personal life. If I can finalize what I desire, I may start attracting what I desire. Changing my mind, although it is my prerogative, unfortunately doesn't produce any results. I am result driven and so changing my mind is counter-productive for me in this instance.
*waves and blows you a kiss*
Love, Peace and Power!!
P.S. I wonder what diatribe I will be spitting on Valentine's Day?