Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Say What?

Dear Reader,

For a while now I have been unable to come up with a worthy subject matter for these blogs. Usually I would leave it until I know what I want to discuss, but not this time. For some reason, I need to write. I don’t need to sing, to speak, to run nor to think, but to write. This usually happens when I am tense, just by the way. So, I put on this song called “Silent Spring by Massive Attack” and listened to it to see what emotions it evoked in me.

I don’t know what she (Elizabeth Fraser) is saying in the song and I am making it a point to only look at the meaning of her words once I have explored my emotions. I am curious to see whether I will get her meaning even if I don’t understand the language. I am curious to see the transcendental power of music through this song. (Side note: French Hip-Hop is better than American Hip-Hop. Yeah, I said IT!)

When I listen to this song I feel a deep sense of longing. I am longing for something that I once knew; something that I have long searched for but failed to find. I feel the part of my heart that is usually masked by cynicism and sarcasm melt away leaving me a bit naked and saddened. I also feel as if the denial of my pains is silenced and I am forced to see the truth of what is inside me. This song sounds like a lullaby, as if I had been crying from feeling alone and lost then having someone come to me to tell me that they understand and that everything is going to be alright because “this too shall pass”.

This song is comforting yet heartbreaking. It is a great paradox and thus it is a reflection of life itself – the representation of Yin and Yang through sound. It is crying tears, but not of pain, or joy – but of surrender. It feels as though one is surrendering to the truth of a bleak yet mundane truth. That bleak and mundane truth being that no one can save us but ourselves; no one can fill that longing because that longing is us craving to be connected with our godselves, our higher selves, our inner God.

Now, let me see what the lyrics say:

Boy brought power
To b-obey
Hear me call
To b-obey
To b-obey
I seek him clothe
Come shush-hush
A shrewd bow to b-obey (we are but bound to b-obey)
I seek him clothe (we are but bound to b-obey)
Come shush-hush (we are but bound to b-obey)
A shrewd bow to b-obey (we are but bound to b-obey)
I seek him clothe (we are but bound to b-obey)
*frowns and looks around*

Say what?

Well! I was way off it seems. Firstly, I didn’t think the song was even in English! Ha! Honestly, the first thought that came to mind when I read the lyrics was, “What the fuck?” I think they are speaking gibberish. “to b-obey”? Huh? To what?
I am laughing so hard right now.

Anyway, that was fun. I totally read too much into this song, but maybe, knowing Massive Attack, they did it on purpose so that we find our own meaning to the song and maybe they asked Liz Fraser to just utter noises that sounded like words? I swear to god, I thought it was French!

Ha! This song is officially a mind-fuck. (excuse the language but my mind is boggled).

Well, that’s all I have for this week. *shakes head*

Have a Good One,
Veronnica Wolpendz loves you!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Have Arrived!

On Air

Greetings Guys,
This will be a music update blog, not one of my rants about the degradation of humanity, as I usually rant. Most of you must be relieved because it has been years of listening to me go on and on… but, not this week. This week I am excited and relieved. This week I am happier and more relaxed, but it isn’t because I am high on some Mary J or something;  it is because I am on a natural high derived from sheer joy and gratitude.
I don’t mean to rub it in anyone’s face, but life has done a total 180 and I find myself in a good space when it comes to my career. For starters, I have found a savior in my manager. He is not only focused, but he is also brilliant and an old friend to boot. He has totally transformed my music career because he is incredibly goal orientated and passionate about the product he is pushing (the product is my music, in case you thought he is pushing drugs I cooked up).
I am going to be finally releasing my first single for the country of South Africa to hear on their radio stations. I have not had radio play here in South Africa before and I can’t wait to hear my song being pumped on the airwaves. It is going to be such a nice trip to know that my song is being listened to by thousands of people. Secondly, I am shooting a music video in a few weeks, which is going to be a novel experience for me as it will be my debut music video. Naturally, I am on diet but the diet went down the drain on my birthday, but I am currently trying to get back on the wagon, just as soon as I have the last slice of chocolate fudge birthday cake. So, I start with the diet tomorrow again. Of course, this means that I will be doing a new photo shoot, and when my video and my photos are done, I will claim that they weren’t retouched, even if they were. So, please don’t ask me because I will lie to you, unless the pictures and video manages to look good.
What else?
Oh yes, I am going back to the recording studio to lay down the rest of the album. Again, I will say, that I am so grateful for quitting the cancer sticks because my voice is so much stronger. I can confidently record a song knowing that I am sounding good. This means that I can concentrate on singing and playing, instead of concentrating on what people will hear when they hear my weak, shaky voice.
I also have a band now. I plan to be gigging with them for the general public from mid-October onwards.  Nothing excites me more than this. To play with a band is so much more dynamic and the vibe of having that connection with the listener is a total turn on for me, therefore I can’t wait for everyone to hear how I sound with my band. It is going to be off the chains!
Last but not least, I will not have a launch party as people usually do. I will instead have a listening session, which is more intimate and personal, more my style. This would be an evening where I come out to the press and whoever is invited, and serenade them all night (an hour or 15 minutes more), and give away my CD and press pack. That evening will be me saying, “Here I am and I have arrived”, hoping that the invited guests take me as I am.
So, yeah… good times are ahead. I am cranking this thing up a notch now. I can’t wait! Are you excited because I am?
Have a wonderful weekend,
I hope you are celebrating with me.
Veronnica Wolpendz loves you!

Monday, September 13, 2010

It's My Birthday Today


It's the 13th of September, and it is my birthday. I honestly don't know how to feel about birthdays. They never excite me nor do they depress me. They are just like other days, apart from the wonderful fact that I receive text messages and phone calls from my loved ones wishing me a good day and telling me how much they love me. I appreciate this day only because it connects me further to those I love, but other than that...

As for what activities I should partake in on my birthday, I am unsure. I think I have taken the special out of birthdays because there is nothing I can only do on my birthday that I haven't done on any other day. I can buy a cake, and have bought a cake and put candles on it just for the heck of it. I do spoil myself regularly. I usually do all the things I like to do, like connecting with friends on a regular basis... So... I don't get birthdays.

These days are one of those things about being human in this day and age that I do not understand. Maybe someone can enlighten me on what I am supposed to do differently to make my birthday, "special" because (not to sound smart-ass or anything but...) everyday is special to me.

I can say this for sure though, is that on my birthday, I am always filled with guilt that I am not making the day more special and somehow I always feel relieved when the birthday is over. The day has too much pressure. I am also usually disappointed (in an "I told you so way") that the day turned out just ordinary in its uniqueness. So... on the note of birthdays being mediocre... I am off to wash the dishes.

Have a wonderful day. I plan to have one too, but not because it is my birthday, but because I always try to have a good day, and most days, I usually achieve it!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Came Here not to be Understood, but to Understand.

Above is the song I was listening to as I typed this blog. Crank it up while you read. It might be fun. :)

Dear Reader,

It is not disrespect when I am being real. It is my faith in you that you can handle the truth. This is done with love and peace from the Creator, Umdali, as we say in my native language.

I often wonder why I am so transparent in these blogs. There is a world full of people who would die first before they put themselves on the line by showing who they really are, so why do I find this so easy to do? There is a world of people living double lives, and I have chosen to live one life. Why? Where is my discretion? Where is my desire for privacy? Where is my “pride”? Well, the answer to that question is that (although it is an art which I have chosen to perfect) being transparent doesn’t mean that one can not be discreet, private or “proud”. As a matter of fact, I am so discreet and private that it borders on scary because I can honestly say that no-one knows me well unless they know me personally by living with me (or in my head) in conjunction to reading my blogs, listening to my music and looking at me in the eyes. If you only know one or more and not all of these things, you can not and will not know me at all.

I am complex and I am simple at the same time. I am complex because I am multi-faceted and I am simple because I am constant within my many selves. This means that whether I am being a bitch, whether I am being sweet, whether I am being controversial or whether I am being passive, I am honest, sincere and true in all that I do. Instead of pretending to have a smile on my face, I will rather be excused for a few minutes and change my mood to a happy one. If I am in a good mood and I am required to be assertive, instead of faking that emotion, I will give myself time to get myself into an assertive mood. I decided long time ago to choose to be what I am, whatever that may be. I don’t pretend to laugh, to cry, to be anything. I become whatever I choose to be, and it is real and true, no matter how fucked up it might be.

This choosing to be what I am has caused me many problems because I have found myself in circumstances where I was “meant” to fear someone, where I was meant to cower in reverence of someone, but I ended up unable to because I couldn’t conjure up the fear within me at the time. The reason is this: I am capable of experiencing crippling fear when it does descend upon me, but it doesn’t happen often. So, I often can’t pretend to be in awe and fear and this world views being fearless as disrespectful (what with God fearing individuals all over the world who think fear and respect are synonymous) and it is not the same thing. My lack of fear is a reflection of ME; it is not a reflection of what I think of YOU. Therefore, if I am not treating you with the “high” regard you expect, it is not that you are not worthy of being regarded highly, it is because I do not regard myself as below anyone. On the other hand, I am very quiet spirited so I sometimes come off as pretending to be humble. I can’t win, I tell you – so I gave up trying to please people.

Honestly, I don’t care who you are, where you have been, or what you have done. The bottom line is that you are a soul in a body, just like everybody else. If your mind and ego has convinced you that you are better than everyone else, that is not my problem, honestly. My mind and ego is not as powerful as yours to dictate my actions anymore. C’mon, you don’t honestly think that your feelings of superiority and megalomania are a result of your soul, do you? Don’t be fooled. There are two parts within you working against each other. It is the ego against the soul. The soul is your Divine self, the self that is filled with love and peace and total fearlessness to be who you are. The ego is that thing in you that requires validation, compliments, praise, being feared and that bit of you that is so insecure, it is saddening.

I am mistaken. My actions are often dictated by my ego, but my only solace is that at least I can identify it now and catch it before it goes any further. There were times when I thought I wanted to win an argument; times when I thought I wanted to be respected and adored. There were times when I got myself in dramatic situations of fights, arguments and power-struggles; turmoil of foolishness – and at these times, I really thought I was defending myself, but the truth is that I was defending my ego, my pain-body, my lesser self and not defending the REAL ME, my True Self, my Higher Self. When I was arguing, looking for attention and all that mess (drinking 3 times a week and chain-smoking, acting aloof and emo, and flitting around all over the place trying to “appease the demon within”) I was feeding this unhealthy part of me under the guise of having a good time. (I speak for myself, so when you do these things, you might be really having a good time. I wasn’t.) It’s no longer this way now. Now, when I find myself in a drama (firstly, I can now smell it a mile away before it occurs), I see it and I stop it from going any further. Now, I can be at peace with people thinking whatever the fuck they want about me, because finally I know who I really am, and I am living who I am – and I understand that this is all that matters to me right now.

I am slowly learning who my Higher Self is. I know that she (although my Higher Self is neither male nor female, but that’s another blog) is not prideful but she is self-assured. She says what she thinks without fear of being pelted with the proverbial rock because all she wants is to grow with you, not take you back into the darkness. I know that when she speaks to you, she has faith that you will take her words for what they are and not defensively. I know that this higher self is helpful and reaches out to her fellow human beings without fear of rejection or fear of being offended. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get rejected, or that she is not viewed as an arrogant, condescending bastard. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get persecuted or mocked for being open and honest fearlessly. She is fine with whatever result her words and actions incur because she has total faith in the workings of the Universe and she doesn’t mind the backlash of being herself because the only reason she even bothers being herself is because she actually knows your Higher Self, and your Higher Self is very welcoming of her. By knowing who you REALLY ARE she allows her real visage to shine to you.

It is not disrespect when I am being real. It is my faith in you that you can handle the truth of who you REALLY ARE. This is done with love and peace from the Creator, Umdali, as we say in my native language.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Long Time No Write

Before after

Greetings Everyone,
Wow! It has been a long time since I last wrote a blog. I have missed the ritualistic and therapeutic side of writing, and so, here I am again, ready to share what’s on my mind. I hope that I have something positive to share, but I am in a snarky mood, so don’t hold your breath awaiting positivity to come from me today.
Firstly, let’s begin with what I have been doing all this time. Well, I have been taking a friggin holiday, is what. I left the city of Johannesburg for months and went to the South Coast (a range of small holiday towns where I grew up). I spent more time with my family, which is something which I hadn’t done much of since I left home after high school. Of course, I did visit during my time in Johannesburg, but it was never quality time visits. Instead it was one of those rushed visits because I wanted and had to go back to the city, or I was there because I was recovering from something (I experienced a bit of health problems in the last two years which are now completely gone). Anyway, my point is that I was never back home for the right reasons, that being, to connect with my loved ones and to relax and have a good time.
Therefore, for the last few months, that’s exactly what I have been doing, having a good time, taking walks, spending time with my mother and having laughs with my sister. My favorite memory from my time at the South Coast was a day when my mother and I took some mats and cushions and sat outside, looking up at the clouds and making the other guess what the clouds looked like. Yes, I am 27 (turning 28 in a few days actually) and I was able to be a kid again these last few months, the best of which was just reconnecting with my mom.  I am the quintessential mommy’s girl. My mother and I are very close, and it has never treated me well that I had neglected our relationship while I was chasing after my destiny.
I also spent more time at the beach. For those who grew up by the beach, you will know that we beach residents take the beach for granted. Well, not this time. I went to the beach more often than I would normally and I didn’t go there for a swim (black people and swimming… smh) but I went there to just sit and listen to the surf and absorb its powerful energy.
All the while, I was gaining more strength that I never knew I had. I also discovered that a person can pray more, meditate more, walk more, sleep more, cook more often and basically do more things that are beneficial to the self. I was, in other words, indulging in life, and it was time well spent.
During this time, I had to be selfish because people will demand your energy and time. But, I protested against such and concentrated on myself and my loved ones. Throughout this, I realized just how much I love life and just how much I can love. My heart opened up more than I ever thought possible and I have never felt such gratitude to have the honor of feeling such deep-seeded love.
But, that’s all over now. I am back in the city of Johannesburg and the energy of the place is starting to seep into my aura. Prosperous cities are very fear based. People are afraid to fail, people are afraid to lose, and some of those feelings have also slowly returned to me. Although I am better knowledgeable at how to protect myself from such feelings, it just takes a lot of energy and time to do so. I am literally dedicating most of my time into cleansing and energizing myself now, which I didn’t have to do much of when I was at the coast because there was no need to. Here, it is different. Almost everyone I meet here is afraid to be left behind, afraid to be a loser of sorts, and afraid to be a social outcast. Almost everyone I meet here is trying to be rich and famous, is trying to please their clients and their bosses, and a lot of that drive is based on fear of failure. So, you can imagine that I am coming in contact with people who over-compensate for these fears by being arrogant, cocky and just obnoxious and I feel outnumbered here, really. Of course, I have my moments of cockiness and arrogance due to fear but I wish everyone could just relax, but this city is not a place of relaxation, is it? If I want to relax, I must go back to the coast. So, unfortunately, I have also started to feel an irrational urgency about things, an urgency that is not too true to myself. In other words, I have started to be afraid again, a little, and it is sad.
With that said, do any of you know me as someone to shrink away just because I am feeling a little teensy weensy bit of fear? I don’t think so. So, I have a challenge now. My challenge is to strive to remain balanced, loving and powerfully true to my real self in this mad city of Johannesburg. That is my mission, indeed, because although the place’s energy is different from mine, I quite like Johannesburg. I love its freedom, its insanity and its hilarity. Honestly, although I am a reserved person who loves to be alone, I like Johannesburg because one can be in a crowd but they would still be alone. I know this doesn’t sound positive, but I like that level of detachment in things.
Well, that’s all I had to say, really. I have had a good time. The good times are slowly receding into the horizon and now I am in “hustle mode” again and I have work, career and the will to succeed in mind. Although I have this in mind, I want it to be balanced with tranquility, soulfulness and God. I don’t know if I will be able to find this balance, but I am looking forward in finding out.
I apologize if this blog isn’t up to scratch. I am still rusty. I thought I was in a snarky mood and would be sarcastic on this one, but I ended up being honest and being my boring self. Ha. Sorry for the false sale.
Well, that is all for now.
Have a Wonderful Weekend,
Veronnica Wolpendz loves you