I Came Here not to be Understood, but to Understand.

Above is the song I was listening to as I typed this blog. Crank it up while you read. It might be fun. :)

Dear Reader,

It is not disrespect when I am being real. It is my faith in you that you can handle the truth. This is done with love and peace from the Creator, Umdali, as we say in my native language.

I often wonder why I am so transparent in these blogs. There is a world full of people who would die first before they put themselves on the line by showing who they really are, so why do I find this so easy to do? There is a world of people living double lives, and I have chosen to live one life. Why? Where is my discretion? Where is my desire for privacy? Where is my “pride”? Well, the answer to that question is that (although it is an art which I have chosen to perfect) being transparent doesn’t mean that one can not be discreet, private or “proud”. As a matter of fact, I am so discreet and private that it borders on scary because I can honestly say that no-one knows me well unless they know me personally by living with me (or in my head) in conjunction to reading my blogs, listening to my music and looking at me in the eyes. If you only know one or more and not all of these things, you can not and will not know me at all.

I am complex and I am simple at the same time. I am complex because I am multi-faceted and I am simple because I am constant within my many selves. This means that whether I am being a bitch, whether I am being sweet, whether I am being controversial or whether I am being passive, I am honest, sincere and true in all that I do. Instead of pretending to have a smile on my face, I will rather be excused for a few minutes and change my mood to a happy one. If I am in a good mood and I am required to be assertive, instead of faking that emotion, I will give myself time to get myself into an assertive mood. I decided long time ago to choose to be what I am, whatever that may be. I don’t pretend to laugh, to cry, to be anything. I become whatever I choose to be, and it is real and true, no matter how fucked up it might be.

This choosing to be what I am has caused me many problems because I have found myself in circumstances where I was “meant” to fear someone, where I was meant to cower in reverence of someone, but I ended up unable to because I couldn’t conjure up the fear within me at the time. The reason is this: I am capable of experiencing crippling fear when it does descend upon me, but it doesn’t happen often. So, I often can’t pretend to be in awe and fear and this world views being fearless as disrespectful (what with God fearing individuals all over the world who think fear and respect are synonymous) and it is not the same thing. My lack of fear is a reflection of ME; it is not a reflection of what I think of YOU. Therefore, if I am not treating you with the “high” regard you expect, it is not that you are not worthy of being regarded highly, it is because I do not regard myself as below anyone. On the other hand, I am very quiet spirited so I sometimes come off as pretending to be humble. I can’t win, I tell you – so I gave up trying to please people.

Honestly, I don’t care who you are, where you have been, or what you have done. The bottom line is that you are a soul in a body, just like everybody else. If your mind and ego has convinced you that you are better than everyone else, that is not my problem, honestly. My mind and ego is not as powerful as yours to dictate my actions anymore. C’mon, you don’t honestly think that your feelings of superiority and megalomania are a result of your soul, do you? Don’t be fooled. There are two parts within you working against each other. It is the ego against the soul. The soul is your Divine self, the self that is filled with love and peace and total fearlessness to be who you are. The ego is that thing in you that requires validation, compliments, praise, being feared and that bit of you that is so insecure, it is saddening.

I am mistaken. My actions are often dictated by my ego, but my only solace is that at least I can identify it now and catch it before it goes any further. There were times when I thought I wanted to win an argument; times when I thought I wanted to be respected and adored. There were times when I got myself in dramatic situations of fights, arguments and power-struggles; turmoil of foolishness – and at these times, I really thought I was defending myself, but the truth is that I was defending my ego, my pain-body, my lesser self and not defending the REAL ME, my True Self, my Higher Self. When I was arguing, looking for attention and all that mess (drinking 3 times a week and chain-smoking, acting aloof and emo, and flitting around all over the place trying to “appease the demon within”) I was feeding this unhealthy part of me under the guise of having a good time. (I speak for myself, so when you do these things, you might be really having a good time. I wasn’t.) It’s no longer this way now. Now, when I find myself in a drama (firstly, I can now smell it a mile away before it occurs), I see it and I stop it from going any further. Now, I can be at peace with people thinking whatever the fuck they want about me, because finally I know who I really am, and I am living who I am – and I understand that this is all that matters to me right now.

I am slowly learning who my Higher Self is. I know that she (although my Higher Self is neither male nor female, but that’s another blog) is not prideful but she is self-assured. She says what she thinks without fear of being pelted with the proverbial rock because all she wants is to grow with you, not take you back into the darkness. I know that when she speaks to you, she has faith that you will take her words for what they are and not defensively. I know that this higher self is helpful and reaches out to her fellow human beings without fear of rejection or fear of being offended. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get rejected, or that she is not viewed as an arrogant, condescending bastard. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get persecuted or mocked for being open and honest fearlessly. She is fine with whatever result her words and actions incur because she has total faith in the workings of the Universe and she doesn’t mind the backlash of being herself because the only reason she even bothers being herself is because she actually knows your Higher Self, and your Higher Self is very welcoming of her. By knowing who you REALLY ARE she allows her real visage to shine to you.

It is not disrespect when I am being real. It is my faith in you that you can handle the truth of who you REALLY ARE. This is done with love and peace from the Creator, Umdali, as we say in my native language.

Peace!