Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Loyalty, Love and Contentment.

I will not leave my home for you. I will not turn my back on the man who was there when you weren't. I will not cause pain to the man who comforted, protected, and made me feel safe when the world was unkind. He became my rock, my sword and my shield when I was bruised, battered and unsure that I will ever smile again. Why would I leave my home for you?

Instead, I invite you to my home with open arms, warmth and kindness. I never want to leave this place, or lose the feelings it gives me. I don't have to leave my home to have communion with you. Come into my home, where I feel safe, loved and strong, and let us be friends again. Maybe then, I could leave my home and visit yours some day because it too might feel like home for me too.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

My Heart


My heart, not the organ that resides in my body, but the essence of who I am, my soul... It belongs to me always. It may be given but only temporary, and if it is given, it has to be given and nurtured by the person who it is given to continuously, in order to feel as if it is whole. Evetually it always comes back to me, and to the one who created it. In fact, my heart is so complex that, it doesn't belong to me at all. It is a tool with which I can learn, grow and evolve through connecting with others. Not to connect for my pleasure or for my benefit, but for the purpose of those above who know why they gave it me to be its guardian.

My heart is big. It can love infinite things and love things that are infinitely out of my reach, for my heart is not bound by the laws of physics or morality or even need. It just does what it does because it knows more than I do, and it merely uses me to get its way.

Some seek love, others seek money; some seek fame and recognition. The heart decides what I seek, not me. The heart is ungovernable, free and tumultuous. It knows no restriction and it has no shame, fear, guilt. It is certainly not obligated to me, for I am its tool, its slave, its means to an end, and nothing more.

I surrendered to it a long time ago, after realizing that, the heart wants what it wants, regardless of who it hurts, without me knowing how it could possibly receive what it desires. It has no master but its self.

My heart is not my heart alone. My heart is everyone's heart. It pulls your strings like a puppet, and it always gets its way. Life is probably all about satisfying its every whim, through me and through those who are slaves to it as I am. It is primal, simple, powerful and it is a law unto itself, that we mere mortals can not fathom how helpless we are against it.

For that matter, I suspect that I do not have a heart. I was created for the heart. I am its legs, brain and hands, its nose, ears and mouth, so that it may just get what it wants. I suspect that the heart always gets what it wants, because if I fail to give it what it desires, it will use any of the billion people on earth to do its bidding.

I had to lose you.
I am a slave to my heart. I wish it could set me free and let me choose what I desire to make me content, but, what if my heart only does what I most need, and that its apparent selfishness is actually its pure altruism towards a lowly soul? What if I don't understand my heart and its plans?

I suppose, time will tell and enlighten me as to why I feel like I am not serving my heart as well as I should because I feel as though there is still so much that it desires that I can not give, even though I have tried my best, broke my back, shattered my pride and cried in frustration to get it what it wants.

I feel as though I have failed my heart.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Confusion: I Am Not Caring, I Have A Savior Complex.


So, it is Mercury Retrograde. It is a time to think, more than it is a time of acting. When "acting", it should be in preparation, like pre.production, not the time of debuts. More than all of this, it is a time of great confusion. You don't make decisions during Mercury Retrograde because when Mercury goes direct, you WILL reconsider, regret or just change your mind. This is why Mercury Retrograde is a headache, amongst other things.

Although confusion is seen as something negative, I find that being confused is useful. It lets me consider or reconsider aspects of my inner life and things of the outer world. In a state of confusion, I am torn by two or more forces, making me lack direction or lack desire for certain things as I move back and forth, left and right, trying to find balance.

Now, here I am, probably confused, but having had an epiphany within my confusion. The discovery is that, I have a Savior Complex, which is something I have always known, but a few minutes ago, I realized how deep this Savior Complex really is. In fact, I suspect that I am delusional right now because I have been wrong about something I thought I knew for sure. Since I was wrong, then it means that, everything I thought had been a fancy of my imagination, and therefore, it means that I have yet another issue to deal with.

Firstly, to be wrong is not something I am used to because my instincts are never wrong. Everytime I go against my instincts, I always find myself in hot water, and regret having not listened to my inner voice. So, here I was, listening to my inner voice, completely convinced that a certain friendship needed to be nurtured because I felt it deeply, consistently and definitely.

After much effort on my part, without my actions doing any good, I gave up on this friendship because it felt tired of trying to nurture it without any support, encouragement, appreciation or any good. I failed. I thought I would be useful to a person but I ended up useless and ineffective. Basically, my heart, mind and body lied to me this time. I was not needed. I was not wanted. I was nothing. This then forced me to make a decision to let go of this friendship I had hoped for, a friendship that I knew existed beyond any doubt until a few days ago. It forced me to quite painfully say, "I have to go. You're on your own. I wish I could have been of service. If I could have been of service, I feel awful for turning my back on you. I just don't have the strength anymore to keep it afloat on my own." The longer we hold something, the heavier it gets, TJ said, so it is time that makes things heavier, and the weakening of our arms as they hold the weight that makes things heavy, and I had been holding this thing for too long, and my muscles could not take it anymore, so I dropped it. I dropped it and I don't know if it survived the fall, cracked or broke completely. I just know that, it wasn't in my hands anymore. I was not holding on to it. I was no longer carrying it.

Then, I got to thinking. Now, here comes the Savior Complex.

Who asked me to befriend this person? My instincts? Or was it my arrogance? What made me think that I needed to hold something until I could not handle its weight anymore? Who asked me? Well, I think my ego did. That is the sad part. That is the sad epiphany I had.

I think my ego made me think that I was needed, made me think that I was useful, and made me think that I could be of service, just so I can save someone from feeling alone, or feeling misunderstood. I think that the reason that my efforts came to naught is because I was motivated by selfishness, self-importance and the desire to "save a human", because if I was inspired by true love and compassion, I would have been useful. Instead, my efforts were a waste of time and energy. This is the only way I can make sense of this.

My boyfriend is different in a sense that, I do not have the need to make him feel less lonely, or to make him feel that he has someone who understands him. He is refreshing in this way because he doesn't put pressure on me to be of service to him. I am not pressured to be or do anything with my boyfriend, and I must admit that this is the only time in my life that I have not had the need to be strong, defensive, worried, or having to hold him up. My hands are free with my boyfriend to dance, clap and play games. I don't feel any heaviness. I don't feel as though I have some huge purpose to be with him other than to experience the moments we share. I don't feel like I owe him anything. I don't feel like I should check up on him. I just do because I feel like it, not because there is a nagging feeling that makes me do so.

In other words, I do not have a Savior complex with him. I have also realized that, every relationship before my boyfriend had me being the Savior, the strong one, the one who is always worried, and the one who is always holding this rock that no one asked me to hold.

Ugh... I am not making sense. Or am I? I don't know today.

All I know is that, I am self-righteous enough to dedicate my time to people who didn't ask me to, because I thought they could get something from me that is not easily found, that is, LOVE, but love IS readily available, so who did I think I was, choosing myself as a vessel of love for these humans who didn't ask me to? Do you know who I was? I was the friggen Messiah, hoping to save people who seemed damaged as if they wanted or needed me to, just because I knew that I could be of service.

Well, having a skill doesn't mean my skills are needed.

My time was not needed or wanted. My time wasn't needed or wanted. I gave it all away though. And you know why? Because I am self-righteous. I am arrogant. I am so up my own arse so as to think that me, a lowly soul, can make a difference in people's lives. So, I need to get over myself, and make a difference in my life, and leave other people's lives alone. When I am wanted I will be called directly and clearly, just as my boyfriend right now called me and said, "Be my woman, and let me be your man. Be my friend, and let me make your life less stressful by being a friend to you too. Be the person who I can talk to, and let me bring peace to you."

Okay, I am confused. I don't know if I care for people or whether I am only caring so that I can be their Messiah. In fact, I think I must just not have male friends, I should not speak to exes, and I must not reach out unless called, but I fear that I am always reaching out where I feel lack of ease, hoping to bring peace and relief. But, the truth might be that, people like their displeasure and they don't want to get out of it, and I am disturbing their misery by coming to help when no one asked me too. People like their lives without me, even though I think my contribution to their lives might be positive.

All I know is that, with my boyfriend right now, I don't have to be anything, and I can be anything.

Fuck it! This blog ends. It is going nowhere.

P.S. My boyfriend says I am one of the kindest people he knows, so I don't know...