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Friday, December 27, 2013

I Detoured To Wilkinson County On My Way To Germany.

I like how happy Honey Boo Boo's family is.
Ugh!

Just as I was getting the motivation and inspiration to tackle my German learning mission, the discs that come with the book are taking so long to get imported into iTunes that I regret ever doing it. It has been 44 minutes of waiting for this audio to get into my computer and ready to use. Then there is syncing the whole thing because... Ugh! Fuck it!

So, this somewhat promising early morning has turned from possible productivity to watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on the net. I mean, how far can one fall? From prospects of learning, to swimming in the cesspool of reality television. Just great!

Not to mention being hormonal and craving food EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR! I just want to cry.

I'll study tomorrow, or later today I guess... The motivation to learn has not only left, but even if it had not, I am now too tired to think, since it is almost 3am.

During all of this, I keep on thinking how Google and Apple have all my life's details, wondering what they are doing with it, if anything. Yeah, PMS comes with random thoughts and fancies that get you to deep, dark places of the mind, or if you're lucky, PMS and its drama get you nowhere.

What was I saying?

*reads last paragraph*

Oh, and I get scatterbrained, restless, tense and irritable when PMS-ing, so...

Ummm... I got distracted by Honey Boo Boo's mom dancing.

I am going to leave it right here, because even this blog post has no direction other than to demonstrate how I have no direction right now.

Ciao.

Inana

Monday, December 16, 2013

Friday, December 6, 2013

Nelson Mandela and The ANC Do Not Owe You Anything!

Hello,

Nelson Mandela died today, so they say. I don't know why it felt like he was dead on the 4th of December and not the 5th. Although, it felt like he died on the 4th of December 2013, it was confirmed on the 5th of December,  making the 5th quite an emotional day. It's like having a feeling, brushing it off as PMS or just weird vibes, then suddenly getting the confirmation later on that the feeling was true, and things suddenly sinking in.

The news sunk in very dreadfully deep inside my soul, and surprisingly so, because I thought that with all the false alarms that have been going off since 2011, I would have been prepared to feel less than what I feel now, which is a sense of loss like none I have felt before. It is like a dream died, and realization of how that I underestimated how Nelson Mandela being alive comforted me.

Now that he is gone, I feel deeply sad, depressed and afraid, on top of being marvelled and inspired by the changes he and the ANC affected my life in such a profound way. I actually took stock of the fact that had Nelson Mandela not lived, or had Nelson Mandela chose differently, I would not be here today as I am, enjoying the fruits of the ANC and the symbol of light and love that the ANC made him to be. His death has made me realize and be thankful for freedom fighters like him who literally sacrificed their soul's content in order for me to be alive in the manner in which I live.

As I watched the news on BBC, seeing the life and times of his life, sitting on the couch while my boyfriend held me as he saw that I needed comfort, I came to realize that had it not been for the ANC and for Mandela's role in it, I would not have had the privilege of being held by my boyfriend during his death because were it not for Nelson Mandela, I would not have met my Caucasian boyfriend at school because due to apartheid, we would not have gone to school together. I also realized that, were it not for the ANC and Nelson Mandela's role in it, I would not have been in Switzerland on holiday, nor would I have had the chance to fight to be an artist. I realize that instead, I would have been a teacher, which has always been my dream job, but not out of choice, but due to the fact that I would not have been able to dare to dream to be anything else I desired to be. In other words, were it not for the ANC (and other freedom fighters from other parties) especially Nelson Mandela, I would not have had the self-esteem I have today to say that I can be anything I dream to be. I would not have had FREEDOM to dream!

We are all aware that Nelson Mandela was not a saint. He actually had to give up the goals of the first ANC era of taking our freedom back from the oppressor by force, to what surprised many who knew him, which was, to turn the other cheek, forgive the oppressor, and be "One Nation" instead of punishing those who did us wrong. Granted, not many are happy with his decision for peace instead of revenge, because still, my people suffer and the rich from the apartheid era are still in power, when it comes to economic freedom, and the "slaves" are still stuck in their intellectual ignorance from still being deprived of good education and more civilized ways of living, but it is still better than when we were more restricted. Now, South Africa's actually has a big and growing emerging market, and fast growth, but there are still discrepancies; but as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

As I sit and think, I am starting to realize that Nelson Mandela's purpose was not to free South Africans from their woes. His purpose, seen through the results he furnished, seem to have been to unite the hearts of man, globally. It seems like his mission was initially to empower his people from the oppressor at first, but somewhere, that changed and became a mission to touch hearts, not people's pockets. His purpose changed from a self-serving one, to one of service to others, not service to himself, and not service to just the South African people. I even think that, even he himself didn't know that his mission to empower black slaves was not his true mission, until later on when it turned out that what he did was to give the inhabitants of the world hope, love, and the sour truth that governments are NOT here to solve our problems, and that we are meant to solve our own problems. Whatever the circumstances behind his change of heart might have been, and as unfair as it seems to most, I think Nelson Mandela did what needed to be done, instead of doing what was desired. He put ego aside, even though doing so allowed the oppressor to still have a stronghold, and showed us that we are all slaves, slaves to our own minds, and that the war is not of color or race, but of class.

If you thought that 1994 meant that things were going to suddenly be fixed through government doing things the way you dreamt, which is through being given things that were taken away from you, I am afraid that you were sadly mistaken. As I always say, learn to govern yourself and don't depend on politicians to do anything other than give you a fighting chance at making your life better by keeping the streets clean and safe, and providing services like providing electricity, water, education, as long as you can afford it. The government can't help you on whether you can afford what they provide. They merely give you a fighting chance to use what they provide when YOU have afforded it to yourself. So, government to me is a huge, glorified handyman who makes sure that your environment is easy to live under, not your benefactor or investor who gives you money to afford his services. As for making money and so on, it is all on us still. We hire the handyman (government) to merely keep our houses in order and pay them (taxes) after the job is done, or even before so that they get supplies to fix our houses.

I am not sure if I am making sense. Government, to me, creates opportunities, not by giving money away, but by giving people the chance to fight and be better. The government therefore owes me nothing because they opened doors, they didn't do more than that, and they shouldn't have to do more than that, lest we become complacent, lazy and develop a victim complex which breeds people who want to be saved instead of saving themselves.

I, for one, am one of those people to which the ANC and Nelson Mandela gave a fighting chance. I have never had a bursary, grant, or any money given to me for free from the government, but what the government did for me was give me a chance to get what I desire by giving me a fighting chance to get the things that money buys, like education, food, shelter, clothes and so on, by making an environment for me where I can go and hustle, work and pay for things that I need. Were it not for our government, I would not have been able to even try and hustle, and work, to pay for things that I need. Were it not for our government, I would have lived and died in the place of my birth because I would not have been allowed to go elsewhere... Do you understand what I am saying?

So, Nelson Mandela was not the Savior we thought he was, to me at least, he is not the Savior that most people think he should have been. To me, he did just what is needed (and what seems unwanted or insufficient) which is challenge us to do what we desired without people limiting us. He gave us a chance to spread our wings a bit by globalizing South Africa, and showing his people that there is more to life than being a slave. That to me is a huge service, because what he did was open people's minds. He showed us how the other side of town is living, and made us ask ourselves why we aren't living the way they do. He showed us that we are just as strong, smart and as capable just as any other race, so why aren't we acting like it. That is how he empowered us.

The ANC, and Nelson Mandela gave us the gift of dreaming, of being ambitious, and of asking, "If YOU can do it, why can't I?". I don't call that selling out. I call that doing a service more than taking people's land by force and creating more drama and karma. He showed us that "Two can play that game!". He taught us that true oppression is not physical enslavement, but mental enslavement. Although some of us are in positions that are physically trying, our minds are open enough to get ourselves out of troubles of the flesh. This was not the case in the apartheid era. If you think Nelson Mandela owes you more than what he gave, then you are a self-entitled, ungrateful twat who will probably not get anywhere in life because you expect things to be handed to you instead of working for them.

Did the 1% of the world get their power handed to them? No! They worked for it. Did they do it ethically? Probably not, but guess what, Nelson Mandela and the ANC has given you the same freedoms now. You can lie and cheat, brown-nose and stab people's back to be rich now. Before the ANC and Nelson Mandela, you didn't even have the choice of being corrupt, even if you wanted to. Did the 1% fight to remain the 1% and live large? Every single day, through blood, sweat, tears, and yes, through the exploitation of our people, but unlike us, they didn't have the restrictions to how they got their security on Earth. Did the 1% think that anything can stop their cause? No! They believed in themselves, as misguided and sometimes evil as it might have been. And now, they have generational wealth, ensuring that their seeds will never die from hunger.

Now, I am not saying that we must do as they did, and start enslaving people. Nelson Mandela was saying that through reconciliation, and appealing to the loftier side of our nature, and appealing to our highest selves, we can also believe so much in ourselves that we get what we desire. The ANC opened the door and said, "Now, go and do as you have always wished. Believe in yourself as much as the oppressors believed in themselves. Hustle and get that paper!" They didn't necessarily say, be as the oppressor and be douchebags, but be as confident as the oppressor to get your desires fulfilled. Have the confidence of not failing and have the belief in your resources and skills just as the oppressor did on us. Use their confidence, strength of will and audacity to conquer the world. As to how you use that arsenal of virtues, it is up to each of us.

People are acting as if the ANC owes them. The ANC owes nobody anything, just as you don't owe anyone anything, unless you borrowed from them. Out of the goodness of their hearts, they decided to actually do something about apartheid. Out of the goodness of their hearts, a few good people got together and said, "Let's be of service and help." They didn't have to do so. They could have just lived as slaves, or freed themselves through their connections and lived overseas and leave your asses in apartheidville, but they didn't. They decided to change YOUR world for the better, and you still bitch and moan about selling you out? Who the fuck are you?

These people have and had their own lives. Get yourself empowered so that you can have your own life and stop complaining about governments doing you wrong. Get yourself together and govern yourself. No one owes you SHEEET!! You best believe me. Not even the government owes you anything. Instead, they make YOU feel like you owe them something, and you know why? Because they believe they can. So, as you can see, a lot can be done if you believe you can, and the ANC and Mandela gave you the opportunity to have that audacity too, to believe that you can.

These are my thoughts right now...

Good Night. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Soweto Fashion Week: Where You Want To Be!!



















Hey There, My Beloved Readers with Style,
Below is a breakdown of an event you CAN NOT miss!!

"Soweto talent exposed to international visitors as designers showcase with international presence.  
The Soweto fashion Week has taken its come back, with its Founder and CEO Stephen Manzini. With  UNIQUE IDENTITY PTY Communications, Manager Jackie Phamotse heading SFW PR management great things will come out of this much anticipated extravaganza. 
Taking place from 21st -23rd November 2013 at the Walter Sisulu Square ( Soweto Hotel) in Kliptown, you can't allow yourself to miss it.  
Soweto Hotel Luxurious Foyer
SWF will bring a fun flair to the historical neighborhood of Nelson Mandela. Designers that hold their best work on the bodies of super models say that their work will blow millions out of their seats by the end of each evening, as their garments are of international standards. 
The show will feature only 12 designers throughout the three days event. 
“One truth holds for most of the designers, the south African fashion industry is tough to crack with minimal resources. Most of these designers have had to work with minimal budgets and no proper equipment. Educating oneself further whilst trying to make money and grow a brand is hard if you are not focused and hands on. “says Stephen Mazini. 
Communications and marketing manager Jackie Phamotse
Communications and marketing manager Jackie Phamotse says, “We have nothing but a great end state to this event, a lot of hard work and passion runs through the art that will be displayed. Many people are taking us seriously, as we are building a global brand. Our vision at the end is to help designers come to a place where they have grown to a higher level and has learned the business of fashion. The concept of this exciting series of shows is to create a relaxed environment for fashionistas to enjoy a top-of-the-line runway show and have the opportunity to place orders and interact with the designers” are also hoping that all our visitors will enjoy and support the event. 







Expect to see these designers showcase their pieces:

**********

Mbuyise Malo from Christopher Malo designs 
Tebogo from Immigrants designs
Mangaliso from Thesis
Nomthandazo from UJU Designs
Collen from Fresh Wear
Floramanase from Woolaholic
       Egnitious from Artistic Mind 

Tickets are on sale at

Computicket for R50 for each day. 


WWW.sowetofashionweek.com    Jackiep@sowetofashionweek.com                                                         Twitter :@JackiePhamotse           0796356376 





That above was the press release for this fabulous event, and I am just suffering from major FOMO that I won't be around for it as I will be away in Switzerland during this momentous occasion. I know Jackie because she was my property mate. She is focussed, driven and a perfectionist, therefore you will experience an exquisite display of service delivery and entertainment.

Girl, I could not be prouder. You work hard and you deserve this. 

I always knew that she would get somewhere with her impeccable sense of style and her thousands of shoes. And, when I say "thousands", I probably mean hundreds. Yes, she is a walk-in closet kind of woman with a thorough respect and appreciation for fashion and social development. Yes, the event is said to give out BURSARIES TOO this year. Yeah, she goes to gym twice a day too. I tell you this to let you know that you are not dealing with just a normal person here. You are dealing with superwoman who gets results.

I must admit that I am looking forward to the goodie-bag from the event, even though I will only be able to enjoy its fruits in January when I get back to the country. So, go to the event and do it for us who can't.  Take lots of photos and tag me on twitter because I want to see all. As Jackie takes over the world of fashion, let me sleep and take over the world of music tomorrow. 

This should be quite an experience, indeed. Jackie is involved, you see, so this is going to be good. Trust me.

Well, that's all folks.

Inana

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Over it! No More. No Thanks!

You know what?

Fuck it!

I have things to do, people to see, places to go and things to achieve. 

I did the iron transfusion last week Thursday, shot an ad the next day on Friday, rested on Saturday, had a workshop on Sunday, went to the Embassy in Pretoria this Thursday, and rested in between. So, I have wasted enough time. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were a write off. So was Friday. I can't afford that.

Of all the things I need to do, going to studio and doing two astrological charts are the only things left unticked. So, I am ticking those this coming week, screw how awful I feel. Seriously! Did I not once say, "Get my music career on top or die trying?" I did!! I am sure I even said, "In sickness and in health." Basically, this is what I committed myself to doing and this what I shall do. 

Oh, and they put me on the pill to control my anemia. Well, I am getting off those devil's spawns of pills. I can not function with that crap in my system. It's been three weeks, and sure, it is not a long time and I should keep with it they say, but what the doctors don't understand is that I do not have the time to be having temper tantrums, being irritable and irrational. Not right now. Maybe in December I can indulge in such useless emotions, but right now, I need to focus, and record music. I have the mind to just get off it without even calling the doctor about it. I mean, the doctor is not the boss of me, besides, if I was of sound mind, I would consult them first, but since the pill is making me go bonkers, I will just quit it. As a matter of fact, I am not drinking it tomorrow. 

Yep! Done. Pill problems done. 

So, yeah, the fact that they put me on the pill is why I am quitting the pill because it is making my reasoning skills quite minimal right now. If I wasn't on the pill, I would have taken it, as I decided to do so three weeks back because it made sense to do so, since I was NOT on the pill. Now, screw sense. I need to feel like myself and carry on with life.



Oh, what else...?

Yeah, and the weight gain thing is NOT an option. These doctors are acting as if I am exaggerating. But, I am not. I can't gain weight. Otherwise, they need to prescribe me something to counteract that side effect of the birth control pill, otherwise, they can respectfully fuck off with their, "You will only gain 2kgs at most" when I sit here, as we speak, with my jeans being WAY too tight. Two kgs doesn't make your jeans tight. So, they mustn't pacify me with untruths. The pill makes you crazy and fat. Now... Ain't nothing wrong with being crazy and fat, if you choose, but I did not sign up for such BS.

So, screw the pill. 
Studio as soon as I find a slot next week.
Oh, what else... Oh yeah, none of this gaining weight business as if I ain't in show business.

If the doctors give me trouble with my decision, they have to be prepared to prescribe some Cocaine for weight loss, and some Ecstasy or Prozac for feeling good. Otherwise, they are adding to my problems, not solving them. With all due respect... I can not be arsed feeling like shite. I like having a laugh. I don't have the time to just suddenly dip in mood and start feeling hopeless for no reason. The fuck? No, no, no... And I can't be eating tiny portions, and gaining twice the weight of the food I am eating. GTFOH!  

Am I vain? Maybe, but so friggen what? 
Am I just trying to be happy? Well, I am certainly ain't trying to be in this mess.
The medical industry man, they just create more problems... I don't even know why I thought I should take the advice of a doctor seriously, except for life and death situations. Lifestyle wise, doctors just cause more shit to happen so that you can buy more medication. I knew this, but I thought... "Not this nice lady?" Well...

Ugh, I am so over all of this crap. 
Laters.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Death. The Thief in the Night.

Hey there,

It's funny how you could be literally one foot in the grave and not know it until it is almost too late. For me, although I am always watching my body, I think that I have a high threshold for things that might kill ordinary humans. But, on the other hand, my blood problems have been unable to be caught immediately because I didn't lose blood drastically. It sort of decreased gradually until I was left on empty.

Just to give you an idea of how far this is, once again, doctors aren't sure how I am still walking and talking. S-Ferritin levels should be at 20 or more, but right now, they are at 2. So, my body is literally not absorbing oxygen, because it can not, because my blood cells can't regenerate, have become smaller, and my body can't be satiated by the amounts of oxygen I am taking in.

Then, there is hemoglobin. The normal person should have levels of 13 to function properly and mine are at 5. Again, I have volumes of useless blood in me, and if i had lost this blood drastically, and at once, I wouldn't have survived. People die at higher levels of blood than the ones that I have, but my body apparently has been compensating and I have been getting used to this state of weakness, thus being able to live with it.

But today, it took a turn for the worst. I can honestly say that I have never felt so detached from life before. I am not being dramatic. I can actually feel myself dying. I am just not trying to be too concerned with it. I am waiting for my medical aid to approve the iron transfusion, and then get juiced up and live. So far though, I have warned my roommate that if I say she must take me to hospital, she must not hesitate.

The thing is, I am near heart failure, let alone the damage that has been caused to my brain from not having enough oxygen. Although I have tested my head with online IQ tests to see if I have gone dumber, I feel mentally alert as far as my thoughts are concerned. I am playing word puzzles like mad so as to keep my mind active and make sure that my neurons are still fired up. I have that in check.

As for my other parts, like my heart, I can feel it under strain. I can't stand for too long. I also can't eat. So, I have been force feeding myself just to get some sort of energy as I wait. My heart has been given a break by taking tranquilizers which make sure that my heart rate and blood pressure is slow and low. Literally, any strain on my heart could do damage, so I am keeping cool, calm and collected, pretending as if I have more life in me. It has been working, but today, I felt a change.

So, if my body won't do, my spirit will do.

All the while, I am thinking, "If i die today, would I have said and done all I needed to do?" and the answer is "YES!! I gave it my best shot. I never gave half of myself to people. I have been sincere." On that note, I need to leave my room and walk, and go outside to get proper fresh air, an activity which I have been doing religiously lately since I found out how bad this is.

During the last week or so, I have spent more time sitting outside, even at night, just breathing, thinking, and breathing. It seems like the air inside doesn't have enough oxygen and I can feel it because sitting outside usually leaves me refreshed, if only for a short while.

Of course, I don't think I will die. I don't plan to. I certainly don't feel like dying, but who knows? Maybe someone else is in charge of that, and I might just die. So, I have been just being myself, laughing as much as possible, not dwelling on this, and so on... But as I said, today... I dipped.

Anyway, let's get positive. I just wrote this so that if I DO die, I done told you so, and all that friggen crying you are gonna have will be useless to me. Speak now, or forever hold your peace. When I am on the other side, I will still be me, and I don't suffer fools, so I will just shrug for those who shall cry crocodile tears for me. The only people I care about are my loved ones, my friends who have shown themselves to be true and so on.

If I die, and you are pleased, good for you. :) You got what you desired. But, I am still around in spirit. LOL!

Ciao.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ironic, innit?

Hey there,

It's hard being healthy when you're pressed for time. You eat whatever and whenever you can to just go through to the next job, chore or whatever. No wonder busy people are such assholes. They seriously ain't got time for anything other than achieving their goals, and if you're in their way from meeting their objectives, they chew you and spit you out of their way, swifty.

Imagine if you're always sleep deprived and hungry all the time. You would be slapping people for just breathing the wrong way.

Although, I haven't been horrible to people, or at least, I would like to think so, I have had to choose my battles and the kind of thoughts I invest in, and if it isn't in accordance with my mission, I have had to just ignore it. It can come off assholish, I suppose, but it is just mere disinterest and having more pressing matters to attend to. Ugh, what am I worried about? I am always an asshole, so nothing has changed.

I mean, I was so busy hustling for my nephew that I forgot to wish him a happy birthday the other day. It's like, what's the point of working hard for the people we love if we are going to be estranged from them? And, then, what's the use of being close to the people we love, if you're not going to be of use them?

Actually, I don't even know why I am writing this blog. I am tired, hormonal and anemic and I have to be up in 7 hours and look good doing it. So, good night.

I should close my eyes and hope that I fall asleep at least an hour before I have to wake up.

Okay,

Laters.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

If You cannot Resist Misery, Let it Deny You.

Just because I can, I post a pic of myself.
Hey there,

You can't get something that you think you do not deserve. If by some luck you get it, you will not hold onto it. Also, you can not demand the best, if you are not the best, because when you get the best, you will not be able to handle the best. Another thing that we should all be aware of is that, if you settle for lesser than you desire, you will get lesser than what you desire. This is not rocket science. Why people don't get this through their skulls, is a mystery that I can't even explain, even though I have also been through it. It's as if, once you understand something, and it clicks, you just don't understand how you could have done differently.

I know it is easy to accuse people of being idiots, but the truth is that, people who hold onto problems for a long time, or people who repeat the same experiences, merely don't know how to do differently, even though theoretically, they know what needs to be done. Hence, if you tell someone who doesn't know how to love themselves to love themselves, you are speaking to an empty room. Above annoying them, because we all know that we have to love ourselves, most people who are stuck in a dark place, a rut, or into a destructive pattern are merely not yet sure that they even want to let go of darkness, although this is on a subconscious level because what relatively sane person would choose darkness with eyes wide open?

There are people having relationships with abusive partners who stay because they have not got it through their heads that they deserve better. You get people being in relationships with people that they are ashamed of speaking about because, again, they have just not yet got it through their heads that they deserve to be with people who they are proud of.

Again, a picture of me because I am vain, I think.
Now, even if you know that you deserve better, it takes more than thinking it to get it. You have to be better than "that" to get better than "that". You can't be saying, "I deserve to be happy" and then turning around and doing things that make you unhappy. So, while being stuck in a rut, you go through it, until you say, "ENOUGH is ENOUGH!" get rid of the bad energy or leave the bad energy behind, and act as a person who deserves better.

When you clean up house, and clear your life of things and people who enable your behavior of accepting less than what you deserve, only then can you probably start getting what you deserve.

For me to begin getting better, although these people and things comforted me, I had to get rid of or leave behind the people and things that enabled me to remain in my rut. I did it with psychotic fervor and fanaticism. If I even smelled a person try to drag me back to the rut, even when I was drawn to them through vulnerability, I would retaliate violently so that even if my strength wouldn't allow me to leave, their energy and distaste towards me would help me keep away from them because they would not want me too. If I couldn't leave a dark place, or a dark person, or a dark time, I would act in such an awful manner that the place, person or time would spit me out.

Sometimes we do not have the strength to say "no", or the strength to run, so, we have to make people refuse us, or deny us, in order to maintain our path towards our goals and towards our desires. This means that you have to have the resolve of an insane person to make sure that when you can not say no, people say no for you. That's how much you should fight for what you desire. You must fight for it so hard that your ego is shattered and fight so hard that you are ready to be rejected, hated or feared... All in order to get what you deserve. Then, when even the world doesn't allow you to be unhappy, you will be happy.


Me again!! Oh my word! I am so self-indulgent, innit? 
Humans have weaknesses. We get tempted to hurt ourselves. We go off the wagon. We get distracted. In those moments, to make sure that you do not go back to the mediocre life of unhappiness, make sure that misery doesn't like you too.

Therefore, I discovered that it is just not enough to not desire to be happy. You also need unhappy things to not desire you. Otherwise, when one's strength is down and one is vulnerable, misery will invite you in because misery loves company. Let unhappiness, and those who enable it dislike you too. This way, you have double protection to not slide back into something you obviously don't want for yourself, due to just a weak moment.

On that note, goodnight.

I am going to relax now, and think about November. November... I wonder what I will be writing about then. It sure will be interesting, for better or for worse.

Ciao

Inana

Friday, September 20, 2013

Insomnia is Back With Vengeance

Hey Guys,

To begin with, I have serious issues. It's dark and cold and I am sitting outside with a cup of tea and my laptop writing this blog, instead of sleeping like normal, sane people. Alright, alright, I have never claimed to be sane, In fact, I embrace my insanity, but on a serious note, I am hearing voices, like mumbling of people talking, and it is not in my head. I swear it isn't. It feels like the walls are thin, or my hearing has gone Super Sayan, and my bedroom is closing in on me, like it is too small, or too close to the noise, or something. 

Anyway, so I am sitting outside, where two days ago there was an intruder, with my gadgets, about to drink tea and probe my mind about what is causing all this restlessness, especially since I had a massage a few hours ago. 

It's like... It's like I need to go away. Away from what? Leaving is a solution as it gives a person a breath of fresh air, but if these mumbling voices are in my head, then I will find them wherever I end up. So, after tossing and turning, I finally relented and decided to not try to sleep. That is actually lesson number one for insomniacs, i.e. Don't be in bed when you are not tired or sleepy. Only go to bed to sleep because the bed should be programmed as a place of rest and sleep, not a place for doing astrology charts, playing Tetris and Scrabble. 

So as not to disturb anyone, I decided to go outside where my restless footsteps and jittery hands cannot be heard, and listen to the birds as the sun rises. And, by the looks of it, the sun is not about to rise anytime soon. Lord. 

I tried putting my earplugs on today and all they did was irritate me instead of giving me the peace and quiet they usually provide. I mean, you should see me right now. I am the quintessential crazy person, wearing warm clothes and freezing my beautiful and soft black ass, instead of being languid in my awesome queen sized bed. And, let me tell ya. I have a very comfortable bed, a beautifully smelling room and a practical neat set up that would zen out anyone else, but me. 

I have too many thoughts plaguing me, that's why. The thoughts are not horrible or anything that should be stressful. My thoughts are merely obsessive. They keep on going round and round in my head, and I seem to not have an ample outlet for these thoughts. That is why I am writing. So, I will deem this month as a month of temporary insanity. Deal with the lists in my head, the unresolved problems that I seem to find no derivative of, and embrace the present moment by letting go of the weirdest stress I have ever had. 

I am telling you now, if you knew me, you would know that the only thing I truly ever stress about is money. The only thing that is money related that could be stressful is that I am no longer just earning money for myself anymore. I have recently grown up and I have dependants now, so maybe that's what's worrying me. I thought it was under control but I suppose, parting with large sums of money is not a comfortable feeling. I am the youngest at home. If anything, I get money. The thought of being responsible for paying my mother's mortgage has freaked me out senseless. She is retiring at the end of the month. So, I am taking over now. So, I can only assume that this is the root of my unrest. I fear that it is hard enough for me to look after myself, so how much harder is it going to be paying a mortgage when I don't even have a house.

While that is going on, I feel guilty for the fact that I am traveling again to Europe, living lavishly when I should stay put and just pay off my mother's house. This time I am going to be in Europe for two months, and I can't for the life of me make sense of how I can do leisure trips while I should be hustling hard. I just thought of ACE HOODS's song Hustle Hard. Yeah, mama need a house, and baby needs some shoes - the baby being my nephew. Thank God I do not have children. I now understand how it feels to be a breadwinner. It is not easy. 

Therefore, I am presented with the fact that I have to sacrifice my life's freedoms as my mom did when I was born. Also, I have to make sacrifices of the heart because the guilt is killing me. I feel guilty that i had the massage today knowing that the money could have gone to more urgent matters, even though it was a present and I did not pay for the massage this time. 

I have a nagging feeling that I will not book this ticket. Actually, it is a no brainer. I don't even know why I am even debating the matter. I mean... For the first time in my life, my mom said that it is no longer one man for himself, because that is how I lived before. I didn't need to help with bills because I am not living at home. But, when your mom says, in the near future, if I don't contribute more, she can lose her house... Well, that freaked me the fuck out. I didn't even know that the bond was still in play. I thought she was just working for her food and Dstv. 

M biological mother who raised me was never rich. It is my other mother that didn't raise me that's living large. So, affiliation with money means nothing at this point. The fact is, my mom that raised me just put a spanner in the works that I fear I will not handle. 

I just got signed to a record label. I just got started with my other careers on tv and stuff. I am not yet fully standing to feel secure enough that I can handle such a responsibility. So, my head is filled with all sorts of ways without ends of how I can support a household other than mine. 

I am so freaked out about it, I am near tears just writing about it. I can handle my own life, and just enough to afford the comforts that I have now. Now I wonder if I can do this too. 

Then this thought comes into my head, "If my mom dies, then the house will be paid off via insurance." So, I have gone as far as thinking of insurance money and losing my mother to be free of this quandary. Except, I don't want my mom to die. As I once said, if my mom dies, I am committing suicide because I will have no family after that. I would be an orphan and although I have my nephew, I have been away from home for so long that I barely know him. I am just a voice on the phone to him, and he is a voice of gibberish on the phone for me. 

Then it gets worse... Then it gets more convoluted. then I think "What if my sister died?" but that is fucked up too because she has a child now. The thought of her death insurance would have been better to contemplate if she did not have a son.

I feel like I did in my teens when I used to be the adult at home. Leaving home was healthy for me because it allowed me to experience childhood for the first time. Now, it feels like I am back to being the adult again. 

My life of leisure is finished! Gone! I need a job now. This job will not add any income to my life. It will solely be for breadwinner responsibilities. I have been applying for jobs, normal ones, and not this freelance thing that I have been doing for the last decade or so. I need something stable now. For some reason, even though I knew this day would come, I never thought that it would come so early. 

It's comfortable being a lady of leisure who traveled to where work came, who sat at home and blethered on Twitter because I only had me to look after. 

And also, this business of telling me things after they happen or when the shit hits the fan at home must stop. I never know anything in time because I am always being spared the worry seeing as I have had a tough life and all. My mom went to hospital and no one told me. Here I was, having a jolly time, going to hypnotherapists to deal with my trauma issues, and being zen, when my mom was in hospital, and no one told me that she was near death., because I am so fragile and need to be protected from such things, what with my own anxiety problems and trying to get my career off the ground. So, when my mom called me a few weeks ago while I was on holiday saying TO ME that my faculties are needed, I knew this was serious. And I wouldn't be surprised if it is worse than I was told. Maybe she retired 4 years ago and the retirement money ran out. I don't know. No one tells me these things. All I know is that, they are right. When I get told things of a serious nature about home, I get really out of it, as I am now.

So, Miss signed artist, Miss voice-over artist, and Miss "I need a massage regularly to keep me from stress" is now looking for work to feed and look after my mom. I feel overwhelmed and afraid because my line of work has no regular income. It suited me fine being a vagabond. Now, I have to settle down and make more money in a stable manner. 

I have even thought of selling drugs. The unfortunate thing is that, I don't know any drug lords. My mother's expenses are quadruple mine. How am I going to do this?

I have been up all night, applying for jobs, who all find me suspicious because I have not worked full time for a decade. I am over-qualified for most that can hire me and not experienced enough for those I am qualified for. I really am grateful that I didn't sit on my laurels these past few years and got myself qualified to be a facilitator for workshops and such. If I didn't have that as my current source of income, I don't know where I would have started. 

Now it just means that, I get another job, above trying to record an album and being an artiste. 

The guilt though... 

It is killing me.

If I knew this day would come this early, I would have been more serious about making lots more money because I need to make tons of money now to pay for a house and make sure that my mom's lifestyle remains the same. 

The last time I was this stressed was when I had to temporarily leave university to look after my mother when she had to have major surgery a decade ago. She had to stop working, she couldn't walk or bathe herself, so I left school to be the adult. Then she healed, then I had to get my education in dribs and drabs until I had some qualifications because like then, I had to do the right thing. Family first. 

I had just started feeling strong in the world and now I am back to square one with responsibilities that caught me by surprise. Now, I wish I hadn't left my secure corporate job for the artist life because I would have been sorted. I would have had a house by now, and a lot of disposable income if I had not followed y dreams. But, then I probably would have died of drugs and alcohol, so who knows if I did the right thing.

I just started getting on my feet as an artist. Now I am flat on my back again. 

Maybe I am panicked. Maybe it won't be as hard as I imagine. I am capable and I am not afraid of hard work. I just don't know yet whether I can juggle the life I chose with the family I have right now. 

This is when I start getting sad and ask why my father had to get shot because he would have taken care of my mom. This is when I get guilty because I feel that I was selfish for trying to not to be an office drone. Now I feel defeated, but maybe when it sinks in I will regain my resilience and just make more money. I just never quite needed to make as much money as I need to make now. That doesn't mean I can't do it.

I just have to do what i always do, which is, start from the bottom up again. It's like I inherited a family overnight. My current contributions to my family are no longer sufficient. I need to get cutthroat again. I can't live the life of "as long as I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy and a massage, hair and nails done anymore. Now, I have to to be the same but with more work done.

My hippy days are over. 

I feel so forlorn because even call centre jobs are not hiring me. Although it is still early days, I feel like I am losing. I found out a month ago about this. So, there is still time, I guess. I dunno. I don't like not having enough money and suddenly I literally have expenses i never imagined. 

I know guys. I am complaining but I am still comfortable. I live alright, but with the added responsibilities, the comfort zone just ended. Am I spoilt? People are living in shacks and I am concerned about maintaining a lifestyle. I know it is not as urgent as being poor. The house can still be sold. I can still move back home. I can eat less. I can still use taxis and not cabs. I can still wear one outfit everyday and I can still scrub toilets.  I can still use an old t-shirt instead of tampons. It's not that bad, but it just got real.   

Maybe I will go teach English in a foreign country.


Monday, September 16, 2013

Birthdays, The Celebration of Innocence Lost.

Hey there,

All I have got to say, with a slight smile on my face is that a lot humans are liars and delusional. They can't see themselves honestly, and therefore, they can't see others clearly. Humans claim to want to be treated with respect, honesty and with decency, but when they get treated that way, the scoff at it, reacting to it as if it is a personal assault. 

Well, this is the bottom line. 

I don't get treated badly much because I do not stand for feeling bad. I don't even treat myself badly a lot, let alone letting other human beings treat me badly. 

If you're feeling alone, as if the world has turned its back on you, feeling sorry for yourself and being horrible to other people, and feeling entitled to hurt others, I can only say that, enjoy the torture until you learn otherwise. When you wake up to feeling compassion for other human beings, you will suffer the pains they feel, and suffer the pains you contributed to make them feel. And, what is unfortunate is that, waking up to compassion is INEVITABLE. It happens to all of us! We all eventually wake up to the insensitive ways, unintentional hurts and damage that we have caused unto others, and let me tell you, you will spend the rest of your life feeling ashamed of having hurt other people. Rather wake up now than later, because the sooner you wake up, the less hurt you would have caused. 

I think of many people I hurt in life with remorse and apologetic compassion. I don't beat myself over it everyday, but I went through that period. Then I learnt to forgive myself and set myself free. But, I forgive, and never forget. So, everyone I have made feel small, hurt or negative is always in my heart as a reminder to never do it again.

For those who still enjoy hurting others and themselves... enjoy elongating the duration of your misery, because you like it, you have just not admitted it yet. When you dislike your misery, and have had enough of it, you will CRY OUT for help, and fight to leave it behind. You will fight to fix your screwed up vision of seeing good people as bad and bad people as good. You will do whatever it takes to fix things, including yourself as soon as possible, instead of revelling in the filth of your own demise. 

When that day occurs, and you have learnt to be kind to yourself enough to accept kindness and human nurturing and love from the source, I will rejoice for you. Before that, I will gladly let a destructive person hit rock bottom because seriously, until someone admits and embrace how fucked up they are, and how worthy they are of better, whatever you tell them will fall on deaf ears.

As compassionate as I am, not because I was born an angel but because I was baptised through fire to feel compassion for other beings, I went through a period where I felt it was my responsibility to assist, if I see a problem. Slowly, and surely, I am learning detachment, and although it is not easy, I do have the ability to sit back and watch as someone kills themselves, or as someone hurts. It is not easy, but I can do it. 

My biggest lesson is that, as much as humans hurt, it is imposing on their free will, and arrogant to offer assistance when they have not asked for it. Seeing pain in another person's eyes is not a right to help. You can offer to help, but that is ethically as much as one should go. Otherwise, you're just being bossy. I must learn to let people cut themselves, drown themselves, and cry alone if they choose to ignore my outstretched hand offering to pull them out of their darkness.

Once one has experienced darkness, it is impossible not to see it in the eyes of others. It is also not easy to have profound spiritual experiences which open me up to others as an empath, and not do anything when I see pain. As much as I would like to assist others, I must assist myself in learning detachment. I am always that girl who speaks to strangers as if I have known them forever because it feels like I have known them forever. I am that girl who will ask, "What's wrong?" because I can see something is wrong, while the person is smiling. BUT, I have to stop that because quite frankly, people's pains are dragging me down to feeling their pain. Before I learn to be detached, I must let people cry and hurt on their own.

In fact, I have my own reasons to cry and feel alone about. Let me deal with myself, fill my heart with more love so that it overflows, instead of giving emotional whores my energy and letting psychic vampires suck me dry from their passive-aggression. 

Let me deal with being a great girlfriend to my man. Let me deal with being a great daughter to my mom. Let me deal with being the Goddess that I have been working towards being. That is what's important to me. All the other people in pain can get out of it the way I did. We all can fix ourselves and get our houses in order with time. I did it. So can you. And I didn't have help. I just had the prayers of my mom. The rest was up to me. 

With that said,

Have a lovely day.

My birthday weekend was interesting, emotionally draining and it reminded me of the dark child I used to be who felt that I was stuck in perpetual heartbreak, perpetual tears and perpetual curses. When I was a child, I felt that I couldn't get a break from the hardships of life. My birthday took me back there. It always does. It is why I don't celebrate it. But, friends insisted that I celebrate, and boy, did the scars reopen as I was transported back to when I was a child. 

Today, I sit here reminded that I am not that person anymore. I must just not let triggers get me down. I am not the helpless child who did not know how to get out of darkness. It was truly strange. I literally regressed. And, now, as I crave a cigarette, I am realizing that years of asking "Why was I born if I was born into such hell," had a huge effect on how I view birthdays. I don't like them. And, I must respect that my birthdays are not like other people's. As they celebrate life, mine only remind me of death and destruction. 

Next year, I will do what I did last year, and stay home, alone and just act as if my birthday is just any other day. This is for my sanity. I don't mean to be selfish to my friends. It is really for my sanity. You see, a week before my birthday is the day I got gang raped. When my birthday came, I was no longer a child with wide-eyed wonder. When my birthday came, I was in the darkest place of my life. To celebrate my birthday triggers that week of being raped as well. So, I spazz out in September. I glitch. I lose my mind, cry and lose myself - only if I celebrate my birthday.

If I do not celebrate my birthday, I usually manage to go through the week unscathed and balanced. 

I need to go buy a nicotine patch.
I need to remind myself that I am channeling a younger part of me.
I am no longer the messy child I once was.
Without judging that child, I will say goodbye to her this week.
She is no longer able to be here, and I must not make fertile ground for her to exist here.

Ciao.

Inana.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

To Live in Truth is To Live in Love.

beauty is your birthright. Fight for it.
Hey there,

I thought I was a self saboteur, but it would seem as if I am over that phase. I am aware of people I speak to, and people I meet, who are constantly doing and acting in a way that is opposite to what they desire to be. I can say that, I was once this way, but then from a year ago, I stopped suddenly hating myself so much as to deprive myself of the happiness that I desired to have.

It started with changing small habits, like honesty and being truthful, not just with myself but with others. I made a pact with myself that, I shall never deprive myself truth, because truth is love. By not depriving myself of truth about myself to myself, truth about myself to others, truth about others to myself and truth about others to others, I began to walk a road less travelled but one that allowed me to stop being horrible to myself and others, and practice tough love with myself and others.

From that moment on, I started to give more compliments to others, appreciating good things about myself and seeing more beauty in life. I started being present, and I also began to have less regrets and more achievements. I was evolving with the world, Mother Earth, as she too was unable to hold in fear that comes with dishonesty, lack of transparency and games that humans play with one another.

Through my self-inflicted truth serum, I started attracting things of the same nature as what I desire to be, and begun to reject things that took me away from my desire. Truth became a harvesting tool in my life which separated those who chose to walk with me in truth. Those who didn't walk with me in truth were soon dispelled from my life. These people literally disappeared and I have never seen them since.
Love is your birthright. Fight for it!

And, here is my truth:

The truth is that, I detest discord and fear. I detest having my heart in a place of uncertainty, and I can't stand insecurity, indecisiveness, indirectness and indignity. I can not handle the energy of duplicity. I just get drained when I do these things. So, I speak when I wish, and when I am not speaking it is because I do not wish to. I don't remember wanting to speak to someone and desiring to say something and being confronted by the fear of doing so. I do not fear things I avoid, I merely do not desire things that I avoid.

Unfortunately, not all of us realize that depriving ourselves of truth and living in lies, deceit, and all sorts of duplicitous worlds, is a form of saying, "I hate myself. I am not good enough for love, because love is truth." When we begin to understand the magnitude of being straight forward without the intention of being hurtful, but in the spirit of love and truth, we will understand that truth sets us free from the shackles of self-hate, self-destruction and low self-esteem.

When you speak the truth, and tell someone your truth, it comes from a place of pure power and confidence. When we speak lies, it comes from a place of fear, cowardice and self-loathing. When you have to restrict yourself from saying something nice in fear of being misconstrued as a loser, you are actually just declaring to yourself and the universe that you are not good enough to love and be loved. That is the bottom line. When you have to lie about how you feel, you are telling all of creation that you are not good enough to be who you are. When you live your lies, remember that, you are declaring that you can not be loved if you are truthful.

Isn't that sad?

Isn't that lonely?

Isn't that sacrilegious?

Truth and Freedom are your birthright. Fight for them!!
You are a beautiful human being who does not need to hide who they are. This is regardless of imperfections, struggles and weaknesses that you may perceive yourself to have. This is why I am honest. This is why I have faith that you will take my candour for what it is. If you choose to take it for cruelty or as a reason for you to feel good about yourself, so be it. I take people puffing themselves up due to my actions as charity. They can have the good feeling I gave them. I don't care because I also feel good. If you take my truth as cruelty, I also don't take it seriously. It is a favour I am doing you to show you that, you don't think that much of yourself if you think I would just hurt you for no reason.

I can hurt you intentionally, but I am only capable of doing such if I am hurt. Otherwise I am always trying to spread good vibes, evolution and freedom. I wish more people came on board with me. I am lucky though to have a partner who is as candid as I am. If we are hurt, happy, needy, distant or loving towards one another, we take it at face value. We do not pretend to be hurt, or pretend not to care about each other, or pretend to be happy when we are not about each other. We speak our truth, and carry on loving ourselves. What overflows from loving ourselves, we give to the other.

So, truth is the first step to being free of pain. I learnt this the hard way. To the plebs that are still being duplicitous, enjoy your journey, and taking the long route there. Eventually you will get there. We all do.

Cheers

Inana

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Bittersweet!

Lying on the grass, looking upon the home that does not feel like my home.
Hey There,

It is Sunday, birds are chirping, and although it is still winter, the sun is warm but not aggressively so as it would in summer. We are near spring and things are looking good and I can hear spring whisper, but the grass is still brown, although, is the grass ever truly green in Johannesburg. It seems to always be olive green and slightly malnourished.

The sun is also setting fast. It makes me more nostalgic and reminiscent of a few days ago when I was in the northern hemisphere, and where the sun set at around nine in the evening by the time I came back here. It was a great month away indeed, and I am sad to say that I didn't look forward to coming back as much as one would think when away from home. I could have stayed there for another month, unfortunately, a month of holidaying is already a luxury. Two months would be more than I could ever afford. I have work to do here, I have a career to strengthen and responsibilities to my family, therefore, coming home, was indeed bittersweet.

It was a pleasure to see my friends again when I came back. A bittersweet pleasure because I lost some friends when I came home as well. I suppose, the reality, as it now stands is that, although I have been given and blessed with a lot that I desired, I can not have all that I desire. Not just yet. One day maybe. One day, I will be able to not compromise because there would not be a need to. I look forward to that day.

It is with gentle yet subtle sadness that I write this blog post. It is as if I am missing something in my life since I returned 7 days ago. I get bored easily, and not due to lack of things to do, but due to lack of things I desire to do. Like right now, I would like to cook a lovely and creamy lactose free mushroom pasta, but I can not because the kitchen here at my place just seems not as inviting as the kitchen when I was on holiday. You see, right now there is  a bird running beserk in the kitchen, in a scary way. Well, that is not normal but still, I don't know... I just want the kitchen I cooked in for the last month. That is all  It is just how it is. Again, although I have a lot of things to look forward to, I am slightly demotivated. I have literally gone down one energy level and I have the memories of a higher energy level and it is heartbreaking a bit because I fear that it will be too long to stand for my current energy state.

Vulnerability is not a bad state of mind to be in, but there are two types of vulnerability. Sometimes we get vulnerable because we are secure enough that we can not be harmed, and in my case, I am vulnerable because I do not feel safe. I am not in physical danger. I'm just... Not complete. I might be back home, but I don't feel at home. So much has changed in such a small period that, I am feeling confused and unsettled, if I am to be honest with myself. It's like I am in a new place, not the place I left, not the sanctuary I once enjoyed.

I could speculate as to why that is, but it doesn't matter why. What matters is what I am going to do about it and how I am going to feel at home again. A Cancer Moon needs to feel at home, otherwise, s/he becomes cranky and goes back into their crab shells, to find comfort there. The thing is though, I would like to find comfort out of my shell too.

The sun is gone now. So let me go inside and mope.

Laterrs.

Inana


Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Short Funny Story

Hey there,

So, while visiting my boyfriend's parents, it came to pass that I mentioned losing my shoes while my BF and I were floating down the Rhine River. It was all my fault. I think I left them when I took them off to climb onto the boat, at the river's edge, on the German side of the river. We had stopped for refreshments and I was slightly out of my mind due to the heat, so I wasn't sharp enough to remember to take the shoes once I took them off.

So, the story came out about the sadness of losing my shoes, and the first thing my boyfriend's mom did was look at her son and say, "You know what you need to do. Why didn't you replace the shoes as soon as possible, or go look for them?" LOL!

Let's just say that I am with his mom on this. Guys don't understand the intimate relationship that some of us develop with shoes. I loved those sandals...

So, today my boyfriend's mom came and told me that she saw a pair that I should get to match the earrings she got me a week or so ago. Hahahahahah... I tell my boyfriend about this, and he pretty much dismissed me. I will remind him at his mom's place again about it this weekend when we go for dinner. LOL! I need reinforcements and support in getting these shoes replaced, even though it was all my fault that I lost them.

My boyfriend's mom said that the shoes she saw were on sale and the amount she mentioned was still shocking, even at 50% off, so we will see. Even though I like pretty things, I feel bad about them when they cost three times more than my monthly rent. That's just my normal cheap self talking, but as cheap as I am, I do love beautiful things, so I will have to strike a balance.

Anyway,

Good night.

P.S. And, My boyfriend's mom pretty much told him that unless he plans to marry me, he mustn't waste my time. Hahahahah. I love that woman! No wishy washy business. Straight to the point. Ha! 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My Day Through The Stars!

Hey there,

I have very nice transits (astrology) these last few days, and there are still more to come, including my Venus Return which will happen on the 26th of July, I think. In the meantime, I have transiting Venus trine my natal Neptune, which is a very romantic time for me - useless but romantic since all I do is float on cloud nine, swooning and dancing the Vietnamese Waltz in my head.

This transits makes me seem hot and ethereal to people. Or... it makes me think I seem that way! LOL!

I have started packing for my holiday, which will be a month long, a romantic getaway with my lovely manfriend and lover (don't those words sound creepy, yet doesn't boyfriend sound juvinile?). My only worry with the holiday is how I am going to minimize my luggage, or how on Earth I am going to choose which shoes to leave behind. It might sound like a trivial problem to you, but trust me, I am a Virgo, and no item of clothing in my wardrobe is without purpose, especially over a month long period. So, for the time being, I am trying to see what I can leave behind and the next transit (astrology) shows exactly why this is a problem. I am in a period of abundance, weight-gain, indulgence and expansion. Being minimalist is therefore a difficult concept to understand and an improbable act to implement.

I do feel bloated but that's just hormonal water-retention that I experience every month. So I have definitely expanded.
In fact, the days are so good when I am not crying for nothing that my dear landlady and housemate got me a flower on Friday and it bloomed yesterday. I couldn't appreciate it yesterday because the scent was irritating my senses as I had a short stint of an ear, throat and nose infection, which is now healed, thanks to Spirulina, Ginseng, painkillers and sleep. In fact, I got good news during the week, which I can't yet share because that's the nature of the beast in our entertainment industry. Everything is shrouded in secrecy until it is finished. I hate that because for the long time I spent "paying my dues", I find great pleasure in announcing and celebrating how things are changing for the better suddenly. I guess, transiting Venus sextile my natal Pluto is on point as I am transcending beyond my shackles of waiting for good fortune. Finally!!

Venus is not just about love and sex, but it is also about money. So, you can replace the words "love" with money as you read this, if you like. Or include the word "money". 

I am very relieved that fate had the decency to have such impeccable timing because with the changes that are going on in my family, work and love life, I have managed to be at a place where I can handle the changes with the grace that I desire. There is nothing I dislike in life than rushing things because of ill preparation. Sure, most things that I am experiencing in life now I could not have planned for because they are quite serendipitous, but I can say that I made sure that when the time came for such changes, I was ready to rock. If I sound cryptic, it is intentional. I can't say much. All I can say is that, I am ready.

I am ready for love. I am ready for peace. I am ready for power. I am ready for the spotlight. I am ready for recognition for my work. I am ready for never-ending gratitude. I am ready for ALL my dreams to come true. Some people happen into their dreams and destinies, not knowing how they ended up where they are, and giving credit to their luck more than their skills. I am different. I am not one to trip onto good fortune. I have to work hard and tirelessly to be rewarded. I have to choose where I desire to go, and then I have to constantly go in that direction until I arrive at my destination.

I am not saying that life is perfect for me. I doubt that life can ever be perfect for anyone on Earth as long as some of us still suffer because we are one organism and if one section of the human organism is infected, it affects the whole. What I can say though is that, besides the unavoidable pain of being human for the time being, I am working hard in raising the vibration of the Earth into a place where we are all forced to choose love, peace and power and reject fear and pain.

I am quite an emotional person, so I'll be very caught up in feeling good, and probably crying tears of joy. Smh! 

What's fortunate about me, and what I am very grateful about, is that, for the last few years, I have tried by all means to show myself as I am, the good and then bad. Regardless of this, I have people who love me warts and all. I can safely say that it was a risk to reveal myself as I am. I did lose a lot of people, but the ones I gained are so much better, so much more loving and so in tune with me. I am constantly amazed that people actually love me for who I am. Of course, there are those who detest me for who I am, and we don't care about those. No, the important ones are those that love me, support me, and build me up - those who love me for my complexities, quirks, passionate and intense nature. I love them too. My loved ones have afforded me a rare thing, i.e. freedom to be.

Okay, the end.

Inana.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Looking For a Band!! (Reference Music Attached!)

Hey there...

I am looking for musicians to accompany me. 

1. Rehearsals will begin in mid Aug. 

2. The gig late Sept. 

3. I need 2 back up vocalists. Female. Alto and Soprano

4. I need: 
  • Drummer, 
  • Bassist, 
  • Keys 
  • Guitarist. 
**No jazz musicians** 


I have my reasons for this. Rock players are most welcome. Even live hip-hop players are welcome. Rock is preferred due to my chord progressions even though I do not sing or play rock music.

5. If it works out, what comes up could be my permanent band.Spread the word. I want people who know how to play. Prodigies. It doesn't matter how long you have been playing. I just need you to be good and able to interpret my compositions. I am a guitarist too, so... We'll play together. 



6. The sound: The Roots, Asa, Alicia Keys soul, D'Angelo, Adele, Amy Winehouse's, Nora Jone's and Corrine Bailey-Rae's type of band. Therefore, the drummer is the back-bone of this operation. The Bassist is the mastermind. 




Ref Music: 


Asa



The Roots

Alicia Keys


D'Angelo


Adele


Amy Winehouse

Nora Jones


Corinne Bailey- Rae


Listen to the drum and bass. 
The drums are simple in most cases, and the bass is simple.
The keys guy has to be versatile for effects and adding strings.
The guitarist assists me with my guitar playing either as rhythm guitarist or as lead while I sing and play rhythmically.

Thanks.

Inana.

P.S. We have a sound engineer already, but he has a lot on his plate, so if you think you can cut it, let me know for future consideration.