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Friday, September 20, 2013

Insomnia is Back With Vengeance

Hey Guys,

To begin with, I have serious issues. It's dark and cold and I am sitting outside with a cup of tea and my laptop writing this blog, instead of sleeping like normal, sane people. Alright, alright, I have never claimed to be sane, In fact, I embrace my insanity, but on a serious note, I am hearing voices, like mumbling of people talking, and it is not in my head. I swear it isn't. It feels like the walls are thin, or my hearing has gone Super Sayan, and my bedroom is closing in on me, like it is too small, or too close to the noise, or something. 

Anyway, so I am sitting outside, where two days ago there was an intruder, with my gadgets, about to drink tea and probe my mind about what is causing all this restlessness, especially since I had a massage a few hours ago. 

It's like... It's like I need to go away. Away from what? Leaving is a solution as it gives a person a breath of fresh air, but if these mumbling voices are in my head, then I will find them wherever I end up. So, after tossing and turning, I finally relented and decided to not try to sleep. That is actually lesson number one for insomniacs, i.e. Don't be in bed when you are not tired or sleepy. Only go to bed to sleep because the bed should be programmed as a place of rest and sleep, not a place for doing astrology charts, playing Tetris and Scrabble. 

So as not to disturb anyone, I decided to go outside where my restless footsteps and jittery hands cannot be heard, and listen to the birds as the sun rises. And, by the looks of it, the sun is not about to rise anytime soon. Lord. 

I tried putting my earplugs on today and all they did was irritate me instead of giving me the peace and quiet they usually provide. I mean, you should see me right now. I am the quintessential crazy person, wearing warm clothes and freezing my beautiful and soft black ass, instead of being languid in my awesome queen sized bed. And, let me tell ya. I have a very comfortable bed, a beautifully smelling room and a practical neat set up that would zen out anyone else, but me. 

I have too many thoughts plaguing me, that's why. The thoughts are not horrible or anything that should be stressful. My thoughts are merely obsessive. They keep on going round and round in my head, and I seem to not have an ample outlet for these thoughts. That is why I am writing. So, I will deem this month as a month of temporary insanity. Deal with the lists in my head, the unresolved problems that I seem to find no derivative of, and embrace the present moment by letting go of the weirdest stress I have ever had. 

I am telling you now, if you knew me, you would know that the only thing I truly ever stress about is money. The only thing that is money related that could be stressful is that I am no longer just earning money for myself anymore. I have recently grown up and I have dependants now, so maybe that's what's worrying me. I thought it was under control but I suppose, parting with large sums of money is not a comfortable feeling. I am the youngest at home. If anything, I get money. The thought of being responsible for paying my mother's mortgage has freaked me out senseless. She is retiring at the end of the month. So, I am taking over now. So, I can only assume that this is the root of my unrest. I fear that it is hard enough for me to look after myself, so how much harder is it going to be paying a mortgage when I don't even have a house.

While that is going on, I feel guilty for the fact that I am traveling again to Europe, living lavishly when I should stay put and just pay off my mother's house. This time I am going to be in Europe for two months, and I can't for the life of me make sense of how I can do leisure trips while I should be hustling hard. I just thought of ACE HOODS's song Hustle Hard. Yeah, mama need a house, and baby needs some shoes - the baby being my nephew. Thank God I do not have children. I now understand how it feels to be a breadwinner. It is not easy. 

Therefore, I am presented with the fact that I have to sacrifice my life's freedoms as my mom did when I was born. Also, I have to make sacrifices of the heart because the guilt is killing me. I feel guilty that i had the massage today knowing that the money could have gone to more urgent matters, even though it was a present and I did not pay for the massage this time. 

I have a nagging feeling that I will not book this ticket. Actually, it is a no brainer. I don't even know why I am even debating the matter. I mean... For the first time in my life, my mom said that it is no longer one man for himself, because that is how I lived before. I didn't need to help with bills because I am not living at home. But, when your mom says, in the near future, if I don't contribute more, she can lose her house... Well, that freaked me the fuck out. I didn't even know that the bond was still in play. I thought she was just working for her food and Dstv. 

M biological mother who raised me was never rich. It is my other mother that didn't raise me that's living large. So, affiliation with money means nothing at this point. The fact is, my mom that raised me just put a spanner in the works that I fear I will not handle. 

I just got signed to a record label. I just got started with my other careers on tv and stuff. I am not yet fully standing to feel secure enough that I can handle such a responsibility. So, my head is filled with all sorts of ways without ends of how I can support a household other than mine. 

I am so freaked out about it, I am near tears just writing about it. I can handle my own life, and just enough to afford the comforts that I have now. Now I wonder if I can do this too. 

Then this thought comes into my head, "If my mom dies, then the house will be paid off via insurance." So, I have gone as far as thinking of insurance money and losing my mother to be free of this quandary. Except, I don't want my mom to die. As I once said, if my mom dies, I am committing suicide because I will have no family after that. I would be an orphan and although I have my nephew, I have been away from home for so long that I barely know him. I am just a voice on the phone to him, and he is a voice of gibberish on the phone for me. 

Then it gets worse... Then it gets more convoluted. then I think "What if my sister died?" but that is fucked up too because she has a child now. The thought of her death insurance would have been better to contemplate if she did not have a son.

I feel like I did in my teens when I used to be the adult at home. Leaving home was healthy for me because it allowed me to experience childhood for the first time. Now, it feels like I am back to being the adult again. 

My life of leisure is finished! Gone! I need a job now. This job will not add any income to my life. It will solely be for breadwinner responsibilities. I have been applying for jobs, normal ones, and not this freelance thing that I have been doing for the last decade or so. I need something stable now. For some reason, even though I knew this day would come, I never thought that it would come so early. 

It's comfortable being a lady of leisure who traveled to where work came, who sat at home and blethered on Twitter because I only had me to look after. 

And also, this business of telling me things after they happen or when the shit hits the fan at home must stop. I never know anything in time because I am always being spared the worry seeing as I have had a tough life and all. My mom went to hospital and no one told me. Here I was, having a jolly time, going to hypnotherapists to deal with my trauma issues, and being zen, when my mom was in hospital, and no one told me that she was near death., because I am so fragile and need to be protected from such things, what with my own anxiety problems and trying to get my career off the ground. So, when my mom called me a few weeks ago while I was on holiday saying TO ME that my faculties are needed, I knew this was serious. And I wouldn't be surprised if it is worse than I was told. Maybe she retired 4 years ago and the retirement money ran out. I don't know. No one tells me these things. All I know is that, they are right. When I get told things of a serious nature about home, I get really out of it, as I am now.

So, Miss signed artist, Miss voice-over artist, and Miss "I need a massage regularly to keep me from stress" is now looking for work to feed and look after my mom. I feel overwhelmed and afraid because my line of work has no regular income. It suited me fine being a vagabond. Now, I have to settle down and make more money in a stable manner. 

I have even thought of selling drugs. The unfortunate thing is that, I don't know any drug lords. My mother's expenses are quadruple mine. How am I going to do this?

I have been up all night, applying for jobs, who all find me suspicious because I have not worked full time for a decade. I am over-qualified for most that can hire me and not experienced enough for those I am qualified for. I really am grateful that I didn't sit on my laurels these past few years and got myself qualified to be a facilitator for workshops and such. If I didn't have that as my current source of income, I don't know where I would have started. 

Now it just means that, I get another job, above trying to record an album and being an artiste. 

The guilt though... 

It is killing me.

If I knew this day would come this early, I would have been more serious about making lots more money because I need to make tons of money now to pay for a house and make sure that my mom's lifestyle remains the same. 

The last time I was this stressed was when I had to temporarily leave university to look after my mother when she had to have major surgery a decade ago. She had to stop working, she couldn't walk or bathe herself, so I left school to be the adult. Then she healed, then I had to get my education in dribs and drabs until I had some qualifications because like then, I had to do the right thing. Family first. 

I had just started feeling strong in the world and now I am back to square one with responsibilities that caught me by surprise. Now, I wish I hadn't left my secure corporate job for the artist life because I would have been sorted. I would have had a house by now, and a lot of disposable income if I had not followed y dreams. But, then I probably would have died of drugs and alcohol, so who knows if I did the right thing.

I just started getting on my feet as an artist. Now I am flat on my back again. 

Maybe I am panicked. Maybe it won't be as hard as I imagine. I am capable and I am not afraid of hard work. I just don't know yet whether I can juggle the life I chose with the family I have right now. 

This is when I start getting sad and ask why my father had to get shot because he would have taken care of my mom. This is when I get guilty because I feel that I was selfish for trying to not to be an office drone. Now I feel defeated, but maybe when it sinks in I will regain my resilience and just make more money. I just never quite needed to make as much money as I need to make now. That doesn't mean I can't do it.

I just have to do what i always do, which is, start from the bottom up again. It's like I inherited a family overnight. My current contributions to my family are no longer sufficient. I need to get cutthroat again. I can't live the life of "as long as I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy and a massage, hair and nails done anymore. Now, I have to to be the same but with more work done.

My hippy days are over. 

I feel so forlorn because even call centre jobs are not hiring me. Although it is still early days, I feel like I am losing. I found out a month ago about this. So, there is still time, I guess. I dunno. I don't like not having enough money and suddenly I literally have expenses i never imagined. 

I know guys. I am complaining but I am still comfortable. I live alright, but with the added responsibilities, the comfort zone just ended. Am I spoilt? People are living in shacks and I am concerned about maintaining a lifestyle. I know it is not as urgent as being poor. The house can still be sold. I can still move back home. I can eat less. I can still use taxis and not cabs. I can still wear one outfit everyday and I can still scrub toilets.  I can still use an old t-shirt instead of tampons. It's not that bad, but it just got real.   

Maybe I will go teach English in a foreign country.


2 comments:

Unknown said...

"I need to make tons of money now to pay for a house and make sure that my mom's lifestyle remains the same."

Basi, your mum is an adult. Why did it all of a sudden become your responsibility to maintain her lifestyle - is she still ill??

Inana said...

Hey Zala. She is an adult, but so am I, and she is not of age to work anymore. So, it is my time to work now, and do for her what she did for me, i.e. look after her as she looked after me when I couldn't look after myself.