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Thursday, October 25, 2012

I ain't Trippin'! I'm Just Hormonal!

Dearest Reader,

Below is an excerpt from my autobiographical book draft. It might change when I revise it, and it might even be cut when it is being edited. Who knows? There are more things like this, things that people don't know about me that I reveal in my book. It is a tell-all about me. It is my fears, nightmares, triumphs and joys. In this bit that I am sharing, I speak of my fears. I added links for those who want to read more on PMDD. Enjoy!

"I guess, I am trippin' but... but... But nothing. I'm just trippin'...

It begins with sluggishness, and feeling a bit down.I wake up and I have no spring in my step. As a matter of fact, I feel ugly. I am not sure what's going on, so I pause and do a bit of introspection and ask, "What happened that I should feel this way? Why am I feeling so down and blue? Is this what they call a bad feeling that gives an omen? Oh, my gosh! What if I am feeling the death of a loved one? Or, maybe I am getting a psychic attack? And, look at me! I am fat and I have pimples. Why is life so hard? What's going on? I don't want to leave the bed! And, why the HELL is everyone making a noise when I am trying to sleep? The bastards!" 

Then, I check the calender just to double check because I know this feeling too well and then I sigh, shake my head while rolling my eyes obviously disappointed by what I see. "Fucking PMS! I mean PMDD! Or is it PMT? Fuck!" 

I am dramatic! *shrug* Only I would think that the devil's minions are after me when I feel a bit blue, but I tell ya, hormones can make you believe in demons quite easily. Anyway, I am artistic and dramatic and hormonal problems are just something we do! Okay? Otherwise, where would we get the inspiration from? Yeah, that's right! Anyway...

I try to not take my feelings seriously by shrugging them off when I feel this way, reminding myself that nothing is intrinsically wrong. My hormones are just off the handle and I need to calm down. I am literally a day before my period, I am an animal. The tension has been gradually mounting for the last two weeks, and now I have reached the eruption point. "And, where are those headache pills?" I ask myself, not motivated to even wake up and look for them. It is clear, I am about to have a shitty few days and I must be prepared. This is PMDD and it is not  a joke!

When I have PMS, I literally remove myself from people because I will get very annoyed very quickly with just about anyone and about anything. Not many people see this because I go into hiding, and with years of experiencing this rubbish, I am used to not losing it, or letting myself be around people who will trigger a mood. Here are some facts about this thing that was once a Syndrome, and which is now a disorder according to the medical community. 


PMDD - Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is:

"Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS)."

Symptoms are:


  • Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
  • Fatigue or low energy
  • Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
  • Feelings of tension or anxiety
  • Feeling out of control
  • Food cravings or binge eating
  • Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
  • Panic attack
  • Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
  • Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
  • Problems sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating

I was diagnosed with PMDD years ago! I was losing my mind, thinking I was bipolar and suspecting that I was being attacked by demons, when it was just this stupid, horrible hormonal disorder. Our family doctor, a man who had been looking after me since I was a toddler, suspected that I was going through some sort of hormonal issue. He said I had PMS and that it was normal for women. Then, it got worse, and worse until I started asking him every month whether I had bipolar. He didn't think I had bipolar, and since I didn't believe him, he said referred me to a psychologist who I deemed incompetent. Then I ended up at a psychiatrist. I am a Virgo, and when I suspect I have a disease or disorder, tests are the only way that I can believe otherwise.

The psychiatrist put me through screenings via questionnaires, and psycho analyzing me over a few months and consulting with my GP until he recommended that I take some tranquilizers a few days before I was due to have my period so I can get some relief. He assured me that I did not have bipolar, or depression and as far as demons coming after me, he said that demonology was not his department. 

My family doctor and the psychiatrist would talk regularly over the phone and then I finally got the pills that would calm me down from my GP called Zopax, taking the lowest dose and to tell you the truth, the pills didn't work because I was still quite tense before my period, but they told me that it would have been worse if I wasn't taking the tranquilizers. So, from Grade 10, exactly 10 days before my period, I would take a tranquilizer every night before I went to sleep. This went on for years, until I started smoking and drinking in University and coped with booze and smokes which made things worse, actually.


During our sessions, the psychiatrist gave me tools on how to handle stress and tension. I took up using lavender oil, and doing breathing exercises and stretching to relax. He also recommended an antidepressant but it was too taboo for me and I wasn't comfortable with that. I did go on the birth control pill though, which was supposed to calm my hormones and that just made me fat. I also took up more artistic endeavors because art did distract me from the tension. 

When people irritated me, I would remove myself from them and listen to music so as not to lose my temper, which I did once, with my mother, and I felt so bad for it that I never lost my temper again. To this day, I have not lost my temper by biting people's heads off and being rude. Instead, I have chosen to remove myself from situations that make me aggravated. Alternatively, I just become very quiet. If someone persists on making me speak, or if I feel unhappy about something, I become snarky and passive aggressive.

The psychiatrist also gave me great news. He assured me that if I were to ever kill someone that due to my condition I wouldn't go to jail because I have records that support that I have a disorder that has made many women kill men. In fact, now it is actually acceptable in court as a mundane reason why women act a bit batty. I laughed at him when he said that. I told him that I would never kill anyone, that I don't even have verbal fights with people, and he said that I was repressing my rage, this from a guy who only saw me 4 times over 3 months. I responded and asked, "Rage? Come on! I am not an angry person. I am quiet and soft-spoken." and with that he said that I was still repressing it. You see, due to our screening sessions, he knew about my traumatic past, and he was convinced that one day I will explode and lose my cool exterior, and I dunno... gun down people?. What he was not counting on is that I was going to find spirituality and esoteric practices as an alternative due to my lack of trust for the medical community, which has taught me that hurting people is not a good idea and that sleep solves a lot of anxiety problems.

It's more than 10 years since that consultation and I have not killed anyone. I won't either. What I have done though is realize that I am pretty aggressive when tense. I lack patience when I am tense and I simply have no time for pettiness when tense. This means that I must avoid being tense. I still have my Zopax 0.25mg pink chill pills which I carry with me everywhere in case I have a panic attack (yes, I developed panic attacks instead of killing people) and as someone who is not happy taking addictive medication since I have an addictive personality, I keep them around just in case. The pills sit with my asthma pump, which I also seldom use since I became an adult.

What people should realize is that I have had many years to practice how to keep my nerves, and tension under control. So, only a few people have experienced me in an angry mood. I am not easily angered, even when tense and going through PMDD. I have great coping mechanisms, and I do what it takes to not make myself tense, so I keep away from things that raise my pulse, and if I can't keep away from them, I use laughter as a way to deal with it. Laughter is how I deal with anything that makes me uncomfortable. It helps. Also, I have a very zen lifestyle. I don't eat things that make the heart rate increase, and I do my best to meditate a lot.

Then, you tell a man about this and he thinks that every time you're not impressed with his foolishness, it's the PMDD. This makes it tough to share this with people because men (and some women) tend to stop being accountable for their ill actions and say that it is "my hormones" that are making me feel wronged.Therefore, when I have a problem with people, I treat it as if I am a lawyer, and break my grievance down in detail, point for point and justify it clearly so that people are clear that I am not making things up due to hormones. I suppose this has made me quite formidable in debates, but still, it is quite undermining when you say something and someone dismisses you. You have to constantly be on the defensive, because people don't understand biology!. I am still me. I am not suffering from a mental problem. This is biological. If I was mentally disturbed, I would be on some financial aid from the government, and I am not eligible for such. Why? Because I am just hormonal before my period, like most women!

People can judge me all they want because of this. I understand that it is their ignorance at work. What I will give to people blaming PMDD for my actions is when I am being dramatic 10 days before my period. Any other time, I am just being dramatic because I am dramatic. Tension doesn't affect my way of thinking. It just affects how I express what I am thinking. There is a difference.

."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Curse Of Mercury Retrograde



Dearest Reader, 

I am listening to some beautiful music as I begin to write this, having just ravaged a vegan hotdog, and now I am sitting cross-legged in front of my PC, wondering whether I am psychic or whether I have one of the most powerful minds known to man, to make manifest all that I think of. It’s one or the other. For some reason, even though at the time I am usually just saying something from a faint feeling inside, the things I feel come to pass. This is why I have decided to share them with people so that I am not left alone saying, “I knew that!” but having no one with which to corroborate that I did truly know.

We were in my bedroom, just chillin’ but not like villains. Chillin’ like innocent angels. He was lying on my bed, busy with his phone, and I was watching him closely, from his jeans to his hair, analysing him, and constantly reminding myself that this is real. Yes, he was here with me in the same space/time continuum and we were sharing a moment. I was in raptures of happiness and not hiding it. My manner of approach became gentle, and I was blushing every time I reminded myself that he was in my bedroom. I was happy. I was really happy, a feeling of satisfaction, content and excitement which I had not felt before. See, I had never liked someone deeply who liked me back, even if it was for only a few hours. I was savouring every bit of it, enjoying my nervousness, enjoying how I suddenly became a little girl around him, and enjoying how I felt extreme pleasure just by looking at him.

I had been stalling our meeting, but I couldn’t resist it when he said he was coming over. I wish I had resisted because maybe it wouldn’t have gone so horribly wrong somewhere along the process. I became overwhelming and overwhelming, but prayed that he would have patience for it until my excitement wore off. Sadly, I didn’t get a chance for my excitement to wear off. Instead, I was taken from Nirvana and hurled into the deep recesses of the underworld. I am in disbelief that the script can flip so drastically, and then I remember that I knew it, and I did tell him that “meeting people for the first time during Mercury Retrograde is a bad idea. People end up being enemies.”

My words came to pass. I don’t know if we are enemies, but I am certain that we don’t think much of each other right now, and I have accepted this. I don’t like this, but I have embraced it. I don’t desire to dislike people, but sometimes it is unavoidable and the fact that I am still writing about him does mean that I still think of him with mourning and even sorrow, but I am fine with that too. Anger and dislike took the place where adoration once resided. Similarly, it is a matter of time until the mourning and the sorrow ends and I am left with a vacant space to be filled with better things than him.

I keep on saying, “I knew it! I even told him too. You don’t meet people who matter during Mercury Retrograde because you will “lose” them.”

In the scientific community, if an experiment to test a certain phenomenon happens once, it is not considered proof because it could be a coincidence. So, to consider something plausible at best, one has to experiment one more time. I would not be writing about the “Curse Of Mercury Retrograde” if it only happened once. For me to even tell him this was based on a pattern that I had seen occur in my life. It is always a communication breakdown caused by lack of communication somehow. And, it always ends ugly, with me swearing a whole lot and with me calling people idiots and fuckwads!

But, I am not of the school that blames stars on things that we humans choose to make come to pass. Yes, I believe that all curses can be broken and that we merely need to be alert and deliberate in our actions when fighting things that seem predetermined. Telling him was so we would be careful about how we communicated in the future, and I was going to suggest that we be fully transparent and honest with one another when feeling happy, slighted, overwhelmed or ignored by the other – but I never did get to that talk. So, I couldn’t pre-emptively deal with the curse when it came to him, and so we got beaten by Mercury Retrograde.

See, a First Meeting Chart with Mercury Retrograde means that the union will be filled with misunderstandings, between the pair and between the pair and the world. This means that, to fight a Mercury Retrograde first meeting, people have to be more open than usual. In this case, I did my part and I was open with all that went through my mind, even when the thoughts were just passing thoughts. This, in turn caused the very thing that I was avoiding. SMH! :) The irony!

After he hugged me good bye, I walked him to the door and bid him farewell. After I opened and closed the gate, I walked upstairs, walking slowly, with a weak smile on my face, feeling highly strange and unlike myself. I can't describe the feeling because I've only felt it once in my life. It felt like I was floating, as if my mind was somewhere else, but when I looked to see where it was, it was nowhere but right there with me. Oooh, is this what they mean when they say, "time stopped"? Whatever. Then, suddenly, I was greeted by the flight of stairs which lead to my bedroom which snapped me out of whatever I was thinking about. I ran up the stairs and went into my bedroom, closed the door behind me and just stood there with a distant and vacant look. Again, I snapped out of it and smiled. Then, I threw myself on my bed, did a girly high pitched scream, and giggled, and kicked my legs back and forth, like a child. Then, I spoke to myself and said, “I’m so happy,” and carried on giggling while looking at the ceiling.  Then, I climbed into bed, and with my keen sense of smell, I could smell his cologne or his man smell on my pillow, whatever it was, it was him. I inhaled deeply and laughed again, clearly overflowing with Universal love. I think I texted him and told him that I could smell him on my pillow. Loser move, but for some reason, I couldn't pretend to be cool with this man.

That was then. Today, I feel quite differently. I care less and I find him just short of a hair breath from being repugnant. Although I can not blame Mercury Retrograde for how things just didn’t go anywhere with him, I can certainly say that Mercury Retrograde had 10% involvement in how things didn’t even begin to have a proper ending. I saw him again after this day, but the truth is that, after that day, every thing went downhill. So much so that I am not even sure what I am mourning for because nothing happened. It is as if it was all a dream and this story is just a figment of my imagination. It is like we never met. We will never meet on purpose, that's for sure. Maybe I dreamt it all. Mercury Retrograde meetings leave a person with a bitter taste in their mouths and not knowing where it came from. It leaves you with a frown on your face, and it leaves you just saying, “No, fucking thanks!”

Is Mercury Retrograde a fable? Is it an urban legend and a silly suspicion? I don’t know, but you can certainly find out for yourself.

Thank You,
Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I'm Sorry

Dearest Reader,

When you say, "I'm Sorry." you are apologizing, but what are you saying, really? People say it is hard to say, "I'm Sorry..." but these are two words that I have never had trouble saying. I honestly don't see the big deal about saying these words, probably because they are easily manipulated and probably because most times I have heard them they have been meaningless and unnecessary. When you say "I'm sorry," what are you trying to achieve, because many things can be achieved by these little words.

Random pic of my screensaver

Before I even delve into why we apologize, I have got to highlight the fact that saying "I'm Sorry" can mean two things (more actually). It can mean that you are literally experiencing sorrow for what has occurred, BUT it doesn't necessarily mean that you are opposed to what has occurred. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is a quick scenario:

You watch as someone experience grief and anger from your words; words which were true and sincere. If given the opportunity, you would do it again but, the grief that you have caused doesn't necessarily please you. In fact, you would have preferred if no grief was experienced, but your words had to be said, as a form of speaking your truth or as a form of tough love. As you can see, if you were to say "I'm sorry" in this instance, it would probably be followed by a "but" because although you're are not enjoying the results of your actions, they are results that stem from actions you accept or actions you found necessary.

So, saying "I'm sorry," can mean that a person is feeling sorrow for the results of their actions(or other people's or things' actions). Secondly, saying "I'm sorry," could be an expression of regret for actions taken AND the results of such actions. This is why I don't understand apologies, hence, this is probably why I have no problem apologizing for doing any wrong because the entire apology thing is a bit useless to me, to be honest. The only reason I apologize is for the benefit of other people, not for myself.

Another random pic of my screensaver
This is why, whenever I hear the words "I'm Sorry" directed at me, the first thing I ask is, "What are you sorry for?" in order to understand what the person is getting at. I don't ask this to be cheeky and aggressive. I ask because I am seriously dumbfounded by such words. You see, "I'm Sorry" is the most ambiguous phrase ever. The words, "I'm sorry" that aren't followed by an explanation might as well be left unsaid because they are useless to me.




Why do we say "I'm Sorry"?

  1. To express sorrow AND regret for the actions and undesirable results of the actions that have occurred. (These happen when people say, "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wish I could take it back.) 
  2. To express sorrow (and NOT regret) for the results (and NOT the actions) that caused the undesirable results.(This is when a person meant for the actions to occur, and although not enjoying the results, is fully accepting of the results.)
  3. To get out of trouble easily. (Some people just need to hear "I'm Sorry" and all's forgiven.)
  4. To diffuse tension (Apologizing to disarm a person for good or bad. When people hear "I'm sorry" they tend to become more receptive to what's being said.)
  5. To be sarcastic (Self-explanatory! Saying one is sorry when they are obviously not.)
  6. To seem like the peace-maker or the bigger one who apologizes first. (self-righteousness)
 Personally, I don't apologize easily, and this is because I don't accept many apologies. I think apologies are unnecessary. I think they are ego driven weapons to make people bow down to other people. I really don't accept apologies because I don't have space to keep them since they are usually unwanted. If I am angry or unhappy about something, an apology won't change that. I know this about me, and so I don't go looking for people apologize because apologies are useless. Secondly, if YOU regret doing something to ME, then only your actions can show this to me, NOT your words.
Another random pic of a screensaver of mine

I am seldom sorry for my actions, unless I did something unconsciously and hurt someone by mistake. Otherwise, I know exactly what I am doing no matter how stupid it is. The only person I have to apologize to is MYSELF for putting myself through so many dumb situations because of my sometimes ill-thought-out actions. I do everything with conviction, even the stupid stuff.

I know the world is unfair and that bad things happen to good people and all that jazz. I know that I am going to have negative experiences that are going to test me. I know that my actions will lead me to heaven or hell depending on the situation. No one owes me an apology for ending up in a bad place. It is life. I take it in stride and I move along.

For this reason, I don't expect to be forgiven.

I remember when I had a huge tiff with my friends. My issues were listed as 1. not giving them a chance to apologize in the first place. 2. Not accepting apologies. 3. Not fighting. Yes... The entire beef was that I wouldn't beef. I didn't ask for people to apologize to me and that was a problem because I didn't highlight their errors, therefore I didn't give them a chance to show me that they didn't mean to hurt me.

To me, that didn't compute. The fact was that I was hurt. Period. Whether they came and kissed my feet about it didn't change a thing. Another thing that didn't compute but now does, is that I didn't fight with them. I get that now, that there is something healing in letting it all out and crying and all that, but I didn't understand that 7 years ago. What also didn't compute is WHY they didn't understand that me accepting their apologies didn't mean anything to me because I didn't want one. I just wanted to be left alone to heal and to see if I still wanted their friendship after their careless behavior.


Of course, I am not friends with these people anymore because they were high maintenance to me. I just eliminated that from my life and carried on with my seamless life and told myself that there will be other friends who get it. Since that talk, though, I did express my "unhappiness" to people to give them a chance to make amends. At least I learned something, but still, I don't see how it matters to express your distaste if you're not looking to change people. And, I don't like changing people.

So how do I resolve issues if I don't understand apologies and the words, "I'm sorry?"

Well, we carry on where we left off when things were good. Maybe as if nothing happened, because that is how I would behave. Then, as time goes by, the issue that caused the fight would be raised and addressed. The End.

Apologies take dignity away from people who think apologies matter, contrary to me. See, I don't care about apologies, hence I can give them to those who need them, like charity. I don't apologize for my benefit because apologizing is a concept I do not understand.

Random screensaver of mine
In fact, I will go as far as saying that apologies are power struggling tools required and demanded by power hungry people who don't see that we can not really hurt people. We act as catalysts and people hurt themselves, to be honest. I know, I know... I am always crying foul play by some idiot who pissed me off but really, no one pissed me off except for MY perception of their actions. That's why people say hurtful things to me and I seldom get hurt. I just don't perceive most people's actions as hurtful. And, when I DO get hurt, it is because I chose to. It is my ego that got bruised, in fact. So, there is no need to say "I'm sorry". The only thing that is needed is to carry on with life and laugh, love and be filled with joy and gladness.

Gosh! I do feel sorry for anyone waiting for an apology from me. Unless you think I did something to hurt you UNINTENTIONALLY, you're not gonna hear those words from me... unless I am manipulating you to either just get out of trouble or to pacify you.

Best Regards,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.
Winner in War.
Winner over World

xoxo

P.S. When watching a film on my computer, I am always capturing nice shots to use as screensavers. :) I hope it is legal.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Sail Away

Dearest Reader,

Whenever I experience disappointment, I might cry, but what I will definitely do is write a song. There is a song that I have not recorded yet, and it is called "Sail Away", and it was written when my ex and I broke up. There was a point when I desired to fix things with him. This was when I was still angry, when I was still frothing at the mouth, anger being a sign saying, " I am hurting. Make things right so that I can feel better." but after a while, the anger subsides, and what is left in its place is just an empty shell, filled with the hollow sounds of the illusion of an ocean, as one would make by putting a conch at the ears. When my anger subsides, and I feel nothing anymore, this is when my heart get closed. This was when he came back, knocking at my door, and me saying, "Sail Away".

The imagery of the ocean is because I was born at the coast, and when this drama was happening, I was at the coast, at the safety of my mother's embrace, crying from my biggest betrayal to date. The song was my way of closing that chapter of being hurt and saying, "Look, my friend. I am no longer on that level where you and I can be together." Here are some of the lyrics:

Sail Away

There's no one home,
'Place is empty
Laughter gone.

'Couldn't survive the storm,
Place is vacant
Joy is gone.

There's no one home,
'Place abandoned
Smiles are gone.

Damaged beyond repair
'Place is hollow
Heart is gone.

Oh, when you see the shore
Sail away. Sail away.
Oh, when you see the coast
Sail away. Sail away.


LOL! I am the laziest lyrics writer. I write lyrics as a mind bookmark to have something to associate with the song when I am trying to remember it because I don't actually write music down on paper. I compose it in my mind and keep it there until it is useful.

The lyrics came from the image of a beach house that was once thriving and homely, full of life, which after the entire ordeal of dealing with the heartbreak, became a deserted, hovel with broken floor boards and damage that is "beyong repair". The song is a plea, which stems from a place that is weary and heavy, which says, "Please, just leave me be because I have nothing more to give to you. Not for lack of trying, but I don't have any more love to give. You are now tainted."

I never did share this song with the person who inspired it because I felt that it would hurt him than please him because it was not a happy song. Besides, I have not recorded it yet. Maybe after recording it, I will share it with him. 

Whenever I feel deep emotion, whatever it may be, I write a song about it. I used to be quite dark and brooding. And this year I think I  wrote a happy song, or a song not from a place of pain, which pleased me. I will use that song when I am happy, just as I shall play this song, Sail Away, when I am disappointed. My music is written for me before anyone else. I use my guitar and my voice as therapy. It helps me cry when tears don't come out, and it helps me express negative emotions which I would otherwise repress.

This is why I will always be a musician. It is part of my being. I can't escape it. And, I am fine with that.

Thank You,

Veronnica Wolpendz

My Latest Podcast! Click to Listen

 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Humbled by the Mistakes I Have Made.

Dearest Reader,

I have never been in an abusive romantic (intimate) relationship. I detest such dynamics and I don't wait until I am chopped up into pieces and put in the deep freezer for me to get the message. The minute I feel abused, I leave. I step away. I go where I feel loved. The truth is, I don't have a lack of love, so it is also quite easy for me to see that I am not in a loving place.

I have always considered myself a person with a healthy amount of self-esteem. I have my areas of improvements but I am not too bad. Then, recently, I got to liking this person who wasn't so nice to me. What makes me sick to the stomach is that, I stuck around for it because for some reason, I thought that this person was not seriously a horrible person. I thought that he was just grumpy and probably in need of some real comfort and true friendship. So, I didn't go away.

I am ashamed to say that even when he told me to leave him alone, I didn't. I thought that maybe he just needs to understand that I am not a bad person. You see, I made this difficult dynamic between him and I, my fault,or my responsibility. I am not the type to blame others for my troubles, and I am proactive, therefore, I thought that he was just going through a bad patch.

I won't mention the things he said and did. It was private and I will respect that. What I can say is that, I allowed myself to stick around when I wasn't wanted. This is not the first time I did this. An ex did the same. I stuck around, trying to reason with him. Then, when I finally got the message, I distanced myself. Then, a few months later he proposed to me, which I didn't take seriously because I found it ridiculous. Anyway, my point is that, I am not new to this place where I stick around when I have been told to leave. So much so that I have a song I wrote about it with the lyrics, "What am I doing here? I have been told to go, but my heart won't walk out the door..."

I guess, I remained when I was told to leave because even though I was chased off, I was not being "abused". Yes, I was not being treated nicely, but I wasn't treated so badly. I find it hard to give up, and that is why I am afraid of marrying someone because I would never divorce them easily. I would stay until I have exhausted all ways of mending and fixing things before I considered a divorce.

I had just shared something personal with this man, to show my appreciation of his influence in my life. I had been nothing but honest and true, only to have him swear at me, in public, on twitter. Firstly, this amused me because I laugh when I am shocked. Then it angered me and I went on a tirade of irate tweets and podcasts about his lack of class. Lastly, I got sad, I cried a little and then I finally let go. And, now, I don't care. I am numb. He could get hurt and I don't think it would move me emotionally. I don't care as much as I wouldn't care about someone who humiliates me publicly. It is one thing to be humiliated in private, and it is another to be humiliated in front of all to see and laugh, and so on.

It's a pity that where once admiration and respect resided, disgust and shame now live. I am so ashamed that I even tried to befriend such a person. I am disgusted that I even bothered to give my time, welcome such a horrid person in my personal space and think highly of someone who obviously doesn't deserve it. I make mistakes too, I suppose. I am glad that I feel no hate, but a huge character flaw was shown by the public display of such behavior towards me when I have not done the same to him. I would understand if I have ever spoke ill of this person, and it was to show me that I should stop my bad behavior, but no! I have never spoken ill of him.

Therefore, it is not about me. It is about him, his bad manners, his lack of decorum and his anger towards life. I do feel though that I am also to blame because I allowed him, and actually invited him in my life. We are co-creators, and like any sane person, I recognize my error. I made a mistake about him. He was as they all said he was and I was trying to see good where none existed. I am often guilty of such.

But, yeah, there is nothing clearer than being told to fuck-off by someone you thought well of, in front of my peers, especially when I have been defending this person. The truth hurts, but I accept it. I have been humbled, and I hope to learn from this by NEVER allowing myself to be in such a situation again. Fortunately, there are many people who appreciate me and my efforts. Those are people who I shall spend my energies on, as I have been doing since I got the message.

Love those who love you. Leave those who hate you. Keep away from people who make you feel bad than good, no matter how much you think they are worthy of good treatment. Just walk away. Some people are not easy to love because they don't know how to be loved. Fortunately, I don't have that problem.

Therefore, on that note, I thank my loved ones for treating me well. I am happy that this experience allowed me to see love, adoration, and beauty where I couldn't see before as I was too concerned about getting a healthy relationship with a hateful person. Since being freed, I realize that I have been neglecting people who actually love me. I will not make that mistake again. :)

To those who treat me badly, the chances are that you will never get a chance to do it again. I am humbled by this experience because I actually understand a little how abusive relationships work, since I have never been in one of those. I shall be more empathetic to those who are in abusive relationships, rather than say, "Just leave" as I have always said. I understand now how it isn't easy to just leave. It took me a few months to leave when I was clearly told to leave. It took being humiliated to get the messages, while to others, it takes death to leave abusive relationships.

Either way... I am grateful for more wisdom and understanding that I have received. And yes, no one asks to be treated badly. We merely allow it if we let it happen again. I won't let it happen again. It became clear to me when someone was shocked that such a strong woman such as I would allow to be spoken to that way. That took me aback and I thought, "I am a strong woman, aren't I? A strong woman wouldn't allow this shit!" and that is what it took for me to get it. It took me remembering WHO I AM. So, it is true. If you don't know yourself, you will be easily swayed. If I didn't know that I was a strong woman, I probably would have prolonged having such bad energy in my life.

I am a happy person. I am a strong person. I can't allow anyone to take that away from me, even though I almost did. So, yes! He did me a huge favor by telling me to fuck off publicly. It just showed how extremely unwanted I was, something which I didn't get all along.

Love, Peace and Power!! Fraternizing with this individual actually took away all these three from me. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to allow this, but I am back on form now. Hence I can write about it. I am back, peaceful in spirit, powerful and very much in LOVE.

Thanks for reading.
Don't let a low self-esteem get you treated like crap.

Veronnica Wolpendz

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Nonsense - A Blog Post About Nothing and Something.



Dearest Reader,

Humans love to take lone credit for good things, and lone blame for bad things. These actions are incredibly extremist and imbalanced, therefore untrue in the bigger scheme of things, the bigger scheme being the scheme of the absolute. Save yourself the fear of losing recognition and save yourself the fear of love. You can not lose something that you never owned, and you can not lose what you are made of. We are co-creators, even if YOU didn’t directly lift a finger in how events unfolded. 

Basically, there is no one to blame, and credit belongs to everyone. So, just be accountable of your contribution, whether it was doing something or doing nothing at all. Acts and no-acts are all acts. We are designed to create, even when we refuse to. It is a Universal Law that we create always, just as we can not deny cause and effect. Therefore, let your heart be glad that nothing that ever existed occurred without you. We are together in this. We are brothers and sisters, walking beside one another, some walking hand-in-hand, in a thick mist. 

When one slips, we all slip. When one finds the path, we all find the path. Wisdom, love and laughter are felt by one and all. The same goes for pain and sorrow. You can not escape this reality until all of us do. You can not love without another feeling love. What you do and do not do affects us all. Be mindful of this when you become self-righteous or frustrated. Know that you are a co-creator in all that is, was and shall be. This is your reality as it is mine. Therefore, just let go and live.

Love,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

My Country Breaks My Heart!

Dearest Reader,

The Venue, which was not prepared
If I were to write about the week I have had, I would raise my pulse, and all I am trying to do is relax and unwind right now. To give you an idea, for the last 7 days, I was away from home, in the province called the Free State, of South Africa, facilitating workshops on behalf of the NYDA (National Youth Development Fund) as a member of SAYC (South Africa Youth Council) in partnership with SRSA (Sports and Recreation South Africa) with their constituents the Free State Province local government. The delegates of the camp were 18 year old to 25 year old, male and female, of all cultural group, even though I didn't see any Indians. When I inquired about this discrepancy, I was told that there were not many, if any Indians in the Free State.  This shocked me since I come from a very diverse place. I had to take their word for it.

Okay, it would seem as if I am writing about my week at the Free State, but I will not go into the details of the matter because it would be counter productive. Besides, I still have a report to write about the subject, so I don't want to over-saturate my brain with the heartbreaking conditions I saw there.

To begin with, I am grateful for the education I received. It was a privilege to go to good schools I went to, where simple things like water, electricity, sanitation and food were not even a thought because they were part of the mundane. In most areas in our country, such basic needs and facilities are actually luxuries. And, it broke my heart how an event that was supposed to be about kids ended up being about internal politics of those involved, which I gladly removed myself from because I seriously was not there to be friends with the people who hired me to work there. I was there to impart knowledge that might prove useful to the kids for their lives in years to come.

I am very serious about my volunteer work, and if it is paid work, I am very serious about it being useful to the world. I do not involve myself in situations for the power to be seen or heard when it comes to some of the work that I do. I sincerely involve myself in some work because I desire to make a difference in people's lives. These last 7 days, I did just that. I knew that I had made the impact I desired when kids came to me, hugging me goodbye today, and being generally pleased to see me. I touched someone's life and that's all I ever desire to do.

As I said, I won't go into detail, but I can share that were were holding workshops on Leadership, Social Cohesion and Nation Building. I am very passionate about the growth and empowerment of my people. I do what is in my power to contribute positively to that empowerment. The youth are where I like to concentrate on because when I am obsolete, they shall be the one who hold this world together, and so... I do invest a lot of my time speaking to young people, sharing what I can when I can. I live a life which also allows the youth to emulate if they wished. This is something I decided later in my life, that even though I do not wish to be a role model, children are watching me, and mimicking the things I do when I go into the community. All I want is that, if they mimic me, that they don't get harmed by it. Therefore I live a life that is pro-life and pro-power, just in case someone is trying to do as I do.

Kids doing a role-play 7 hrs since their last meal
Anyway, I did what I had to do. I did my job. I inspired some kids. I behaved as an equal to them as I obviously am. I didn't put myself on a pedestal to feed my ego.I didn't dismiss their thoughts nor did I ignore their grievances. I came before them as a teacher/learner, and I am glad.

But, higher up in the fucked up hierarchy, people didn't come with that spirit of respect and equality. They came into these Youth Camps with an agenda. Their agenda was to shine as a star. I have no problem with people shining as stars, but it has to be from good work being done, not because of titles being held and acting important when nobody gives a fuck about that. I HATE internal politics, whether in corporate or in the public sector. It is why I am an an artist. The politics are all about bettering one's social standing in an organization and doing whatever it takes to get there.

This time, what it took to get their shine were the lives of young people looking for a way out the ghetto. These people's hunger for power came in the way of some kid being the first in their family to graduate, the first to break the cycle of poverty and so on. This, I don't have to tell you, pisses me off in more ways than you will ever know. I hate weak people who prey on the poor. I hate weak people who take advantage of the children. I am so passionate about this whole thing that I secretly wish that I was taking care of the logistics of this entire operation because I know that I would have done a better job.

Why do I think I would have done a better job? Because I do not skimp on quality to make a profit. I do things right. It is why I have not released my album. It is why I am steadily raising funds for my music video and all things that come with being me, because I will not compromise my product and honor, so that I save money. Fucking hell!!! If you are given a budget of say R100 million to do something, please use at least 90% of it on the work you've been commissioned to do by finding the best deals available to make that money go the distance.

Children slept on the floor on matresses, for fuck's sakes!!!

Children's lunches were late, for crying out loud.

Children's water was not clean, damn it!!!

What the fuck kind of person would subject a child to less than they would subject their own child? Oh, wait, I know... Cold-hearted people who do not take their jobs seriously. I would never disrespect somebody's child like that. And, the report that I shall write will be quite heated with a long list of recommendations.

They can exclude me in their next initiative if they feel that my report was not nice enough, but I will tell the truth of what I think of their operation.

I hate being associated with government most times because I know this about them. This crap would never occur in the private sector, I promise you. Just because kids don't know better doesn't mean that they should not receive better. And, yes, I have little respect for the incompetence I saw there. There was one lady who had to carry the brunt of all these mess ups when it was not her in charge. She was literally crying, tears streaming down her face at the fact that the kids didn't eat and that they slept in below par conditions. One of her siblings was part of the camp, so it hit home for her. I wonder if she would have cared if she had no relative involved.

As for the dignitaries... How the fuck do they sleep at night?
A LoveLife Facilitator speaking to delegates

Oh, they sleep fine, in a 4 star hotel as I was. SMH!

What's more heartbreaking is that, some kids found this awful environment a relief and an escape from their home lives. Can you believe that shit? Their homes are in worse conditions than this camp. SMH! Just thinking about that makes me want to cry. I am not strong enough to see my people suffer. BUT, I can't do nothing about it. I have to see this fucked up world where kids are happy to sleep on the floor because their homes are worse.

Fuck! I am pissed off about this!!