Humbled by the Mistakes I Have Made.

Dearest Reader,

I have never been in an abusive romantic (intimate) relationship. I detest such dynamics and I don't wait until I am chopped up into pieces and put in the deep freezer for me to get the message. The minute I feel abused, I leave. I step away. I go where I feel loved. The truth is, I don't have a lack of love, so it is also quite easy for me to see that I am not in a loving place.

I have always considered myself a person with a healthy amount of self-esteem. I have my areas of improvements but I am not too bad. Then, recently, I got to liking this person who wasn't so nice to me. What makes me sick to the stomach is that, I stuck around for it because for some reason, I thought that this person was not seriously a horrible person. I thought that he was just grumpy and probably in need of some real comfort and true friendship. So, I didn't go away.

I am ashamed to say that even when he told me to leave him alone, I didn't. I thought that maybe he just needs to understand that I am not a bad person. You see, I made this difficult dynamic between him and I, my fault,or my responsibility. I am not the type to blame others for my troubles, and I am proactive, therefore, I thought that he was just going through a bad patch.

I won't mention the things he said and did. It was private and I will respect that. What I can say is that, I allowed myself to stick around when I wasn't wanted. This is not the first time I did this. An ex did the same. I stuck around, trying to reason with him. Then, when I finally got the message, I distanced myself. Then, a few months later he proposed to me, which I didn't take seriously because I found it ridiculous. Anyway, my point is that, I am not new to this place where I stick around when I have been told to leave. So much so that I have a song I wrote about it with the lyrics, "What am I doing here? I have been told to go, but my heart won't walk out the door..."

I guess, I remained when I was told to leave because even though I was chased off, I was not being "abused". Yes, I was not being treated nicely, but I wasn't treated so badly. I find it hard to give up, and that is why I am afraid of marrying someone because I would never divorce them easily. I would stay until I have exhausted all ways of mending and fixing things before I considered a divorce.

I had just shared something personal with this man, to show my appreciation of his influence in my life. I had been nothing but honest and true, only to have him swear at me, in public, on twitter. Firstly, this amused me because I laugh when I am shocked. Then it angered me and I went on a tirade of irate tweets and podcasts about his lack of class. Lastly, I got sad, I cried a little and then I finally let go. And, now, I don't care. I am numb. He could get hurt and I don't think it would move me emotionally. I don't care as much as I wouldn't care about someone who humiliates me publicly. It is one thing to be humiliated in private, and it is another to be humiliated in front of all to see and laugh, and so on.

It's a pity that where once admiration and respect resided, disgust and shame now live. I am so ashamed that I even tried to befriend such a person. I am disgusted that I even bothered to give my time, welcome such a horrid person in my personal space and think highly of someone who obviously doesn't deserve it. I make mistakes too, I suppose. I am glad that I feel no hate, but a huge character flaw was shown by the public display of such behavior towards me when I have not done the same to him. I would understand if I have ever spoke ill of this person, and it was to show me that I should stop my bad behavior, but no! I have never spoken ill of him.

Therefore, it is not about me. It is about him, his bad manners, his lack of decorum and his anger towards life. I do feel though that I am also to blame because I allowed him, and actually invited him in my life. We are co-creators, and like any sane person, I recognize my error. I made a mistake about him. He was as they all said he was and I was trying to see good where none existed. I am often guilty of such.

But, yeah, there is nothing clearer than being told to fuck-off by someone you thought well of, in front of my peers, especially when I have been defending this person. The truth hurts, but I accept it. I have been humbled, and I hope to learn from this by NEVER allowing myself to be in such a situation again. Fortunately, there are many people who appreciate me and my efforts. Those are people who I shall spend my energies on, as I have been doing since I got the message.

Love those who love you. Leave those who hate you. Keep away from people who make you feel bad than good, no matter how much you think they are worthy of good treatment. Just walk away. Some people are not easy to love because they don't know how to be loved. Fortunately, I don't have that problem.

Therefore, on that note, I thank my loved ones for treating me well. I am happy that this experience allowed me to see love, adoration, and beauty where I couldn't see before as I was too concerned about getting a healthy relationship with a hateful person. Since being freed, I realize that I have been neglecting people who actually love me. I will not make that mistake again. :)

To those who treat me badly, the chances are that you will never get a chance to do it again. I am humbled by this experience because I actually understand a little how abusive relationships work, since I have never been in one of those. I shall be more empathetic to those who are in abusive relationships, rather than say, "Just leave" as I have always said. I understand now how it isn't easy to just leave. It took me a few months to leave when I was clearly told to leave. It took being humiliated to get the messages, while to others, it takes death to leave abusive relationships.

Either way... I am grateful for more wisdom and understanding that I have received. And yes, no one asks to be treated badly. We merely allow it if we let it happen again. I won't let it happen again. It became clear to me when someone was shocked that such a strong woman such as I would allow to be spoken to that way. That took me aback and I thought, "I am a strong woman, aren't I? A strong woman wouldn't allow this shit!" and that is what it took for me to get it. It took me remembering WHO I AM. So, it is true. If you don't know yourself, you will be easily swayed. If I didn't know that I was a strong woman, I probably would have prolonged having such bad energy in my life.

I am a happy person. I am a strong person. I can't allow anyone to take that away from me, even though I almost did. So, yes! He did me a huge favor by telling me to fuck off publicly. It just showed how extremely unwanted I was, something which I didn't get all along.

Love, Peace and Power!! Fraternizing with this individual actually took away all these three from me. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to allow this, but I am back on form now. Hence I can write about it. I am back, peaceful in spirit, powerful and very much in LOVE.

Thanks for reading.
Don't let a low self-esteem get you treated like crap.

Veronnica Wolpendz