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Friday, October 19, 2012

I'm Sorry

Dearest Reader,

When you say, "I'm Sorry." you are apologizing, but what are you saying, really? People say it is hard to say, "I'm Sorry..." but these are two words that I have never had trouble saying. I honestly don't see the big deal about saying these words, probably because they are easily manipulated and probably because most times I have heard them they have been meaningless and unnecessary. When you say "I'm sorry," what are you trying to achieve, because many things can be achieved by these little words.

Random pic of my screensaver

Before I even delve into why we apologize, I have got to highlight the fact that saying "I'm Sorry" can mean two things (more actually). It can mean that you are literally experiencing sorrow for what has occurred, BUT it doesn't necessarily mean that you are opposed to what has occurred. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is a quick scenario:

You watch as someone experience grief and anger from your words; words which were true and sincere. If given the opportunity, you would do it again but, the grief that you have caused doesn't necessarily please you. In fact, you would have preferred if no grief was experienced, but your words had to be said, as a form of speaking your truth or as a form of tough love. As you can see, if you were to say "I'm sorry" in this instance, it would probably be followed by a "but" because although you're are not enjoying the results of your actions, they are results that stem from actions you accept or actions you found necessary.

So, saying "I'm sorry," can mean that a person is feeling sorrow for the results of their actions(or other people's or things' actions). Secondly, saying "I'm sorry," could be an expression of regret for actions taken AND the results of such actions. This is why I don't understand apologies, hence, this is probably why I have no problem apologizing for doing any wrong because the entire apology thing is a bit useless to me, to be honest. The only reason I apologize is for the benefit of other people, not for myself.

Another random pic of my screensaver
This is why, whenever I hear the words "I'm Sorry" directed at me, the first thing I ask is, "What are you sorry for?" in order to understand what the person is getting at. I don't ask this to be cheeky and aggressive. I ask because I am seriously dumbfounded by such words. You see, "I'm Sorry" is the most ambiguous phrase ever. The words, "I'm sorry" that aren't followed by an explanation might as well be left unsaid because they are useless to me.




Why do we say "I'm Sorry"?

  1. To express sorrow AND regret for the actions and undesirable results of the actions that have occurred. (These happen when people say, "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wish I could take it back.) 
  2. To express sorrow (and NOT regret) for the results (and NOT the actions) that caused the undesirable results.(This is when a person meant for the actions to occur, and although not enjoying the results, is fully accepting of the results.)
  3. To get out of trouble easily. (Some people just need to hear "I'm Sorry" and all's forgiven.)
  4. To diffuse tension (Apologizing to disarm a person for good or bad. When people hear "I'm sorry" they tend to become more receptive to what's being said.)
  5. To be sarcastic (Self-explanatory! Saying one is sorry when they are obviously not.)
  6. To seem like the peace-maker or the bigger one who apologizes first. (self-righteousness)
 Personally, I don't apologize easily, and this is because I don't accept many apologies. I think apologies are unnecessary. I think they are ego driven weapons to make people bow down to other people. I really don't accept apologies because I don't have space to keep them since they are usually unwanted. If I am angry or unhappy about something, an apology won't change that. I know this about me, and so I don't go looking for people apologize because apologies are useless. Secondly, if YOU regret doing something to ME, then only your actions can show this to me, NOT your words.
Another random pic of a screensaver of mine

I am seldom sorry for my actions, unless I did something unconsciously and hurt someone by mistake. Otherwise, I know exactly what I am doing no matter how stupid it is. The only person I have to apologize to is MYSELF for putting myself through so many dumb situations because of my sometimes ill-thought-out actions. I do everything with conviction, even the stupid stuff.

I know the world is unfair and that bad things happen to good people and all that jazz. I know that I am going to have negative experiences that are going to test me. I know that my actions will lead me to heaven or hell depending on the situation. No one owes me an apology for ending up in a bad place. It is life. I take it in stride and I move along.

For this reason, I don't expect to be forgiven.

I remember when I had a huge tiff with my friends. My issues were listed as 1. not giving them a chance to apologize in the first place. 2. Not accepting apologies. 3. Not fighting. Yes... The entire beef was that I wouldn't beef. I didn't ask for people to apologize to me and that was a problem because I didn't highlight their errors, therefore I didn't give them a chance to show me that they didn't mean to hurt me.

To me, that didn't compute. The fact was that I was hurt. Period. Whether they came and kissed my feet about it didn't change a thing. Another thing that didn't compute but now does, is that I didn't fight with them. I get that now, that there is something healing in letting it all out and crying and all that, but I didn't understand that 7 years ago. What also didn't compute is WHY they didn't understand that me accepting their apologies didn't mean anything to me because I didn't want one. I just wanted to be left alone to heal and to see if I still wanted their friendship after their careless behavior.


Of course, I am not friends with these people anymore because they were high maintenance to me. I just eliminated that from my life and carried on with my seamless life and told myself that there will be other friends who get it. Since that talk, though, I did express my "unhappiness" to people to give them a chance to make amends. At least I learned something, but still, I don't see how it matters to express your distaste if you're not looking to change people. And, I don't like changing people.

So how do I resolve issues if I don't understand apologies and the words, "I'm sorry?"

Well, we carry on where we left off when things were good. Maybe as if nothing happened, because that is how I would behave. Then, as time goes by, the issue that caused the fight would be raised and addressed. The End.

Apologies take dignity away from people who think apologies matter, contrary to me. See, I don't care about apologies, hence I can give them to those who need them, like charity. I don't apologize for my benefit because apologizing is a concept I do not understand.

Random screensaver of mine
In fact, I will go as far as saying that apologies are power struggling tools required and demanded by power hungry people who don't see that we can not really hurt people. We act as catalysts and people hurt themselves, to be honest. I know, I know... I am always crying foul play by some idiot who pissed me off but really, no one pissed me off except for MY perception of their actions. That's why people say hurtful things to me and I seldom get hurt. I just don't perceive most people's actions as hurtful. And, when I DO get hurt, it is because I chose to. It is my ego that got bruised, in fact. So, there is no need to say "I'm sorry". The only thing that is needed is to carry on with life and laugh, love and be filled with joy and gladness.

Gosh! I do feel sorry for anyone waiting for an apology from me. Unless you think I did something to hurt you UNINTENTIONALLY, you're not gonna hear those words from me... unless I am manipulating you to either just get out of trouble or to pacify you.

Best Regards,

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Power.
Winner in War.
Winner over World

xoxo

P.S. When watching a film on my computer, I am always capturing nice shots to use as screensavers. :) I hope it is legal.

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