Sunday, May 26, 2013

Artist Insecurities...

Hey there...

I know what I know. I know what I can do and I know what I can not do. I view myself quite objectively. I know who I am better than in certain fronts, if I had to rate myself with certain criteria. I know who I need to aspire to in order to improve. I am always improving my skills. I never rest. I play guitar as if I am going to perform tomorrow. I am learning music. It is just how I am. I am always thirsty to improve mentally, physically and spiritually. I am always looking to be better and to push myself to the best of my capabilities.

This brings us to singing.

I don't push myself when it comes to singing. I don't know how to. Since destroying my voice with being a smoker 7 years ago (I smoked for 5 years), my voice changed. I didn't think that upon my first puff of a cigarette that I would be destroying my dreams. Fortunately, I quit. I quit too late, or just in time to be able to sing. Well, there is always a positive. Before smoking, I had no voice of my own. I mimicked Mariah Carey, and reached her notes, but I didn't have my style. After smoking, I had vocal limitations, which forced me to find a way to be authentically me instead of singing like other people. Then, through loss, I was able to find my own voice.

Now, though, I need training. My voice is better than half the people in the South African music industry, and about 40% better than most people in the International market, but this is personally not good enough, since I can do better. Because I do not push myself vocally, I have become a lazy singer. I don't like this about myself. So, I am going to take up some voice training and strengthen my voice again.

I know my limitations right now. It is not a lack talent. It is a lack of ability right now. My voice is weak. It is a muscle that needs to be sent to gym on an intense program and strengthened to a point where I can say, "I can not sing better than this." Right now, I can definitely say that I can sing better than I do.

Firstly, I am self-conscious in studio. My nerves, due to my after smoking insecurity have me not as confident as I should be. When I am nervous and not comfortable, my vocal chords constrict and I lose focus on the voice, and it weakens even more. That shit must stop! It is pissing me off. As a matter of fact, I probably now understand why artists take cocaine because apparently, it gives a person confidence. I wouldn't know. I have never snorted coke because confidence is not something I generally lack in my life. But, strangely, when it comes to singing, I become some fearful person I do not recognize. I get afraid, literally, of hearing my imperfect voice.

I think it is a result of always being good at everything I have ever tried. So, for the first time, I am experiencing an inability, and it is a novel experience. I wouldn't say that my voice was exceptional, but it was great! Now, my voice is mediocre. Mediocrity is not a place I enjoy, especially when I KNOW that I am capable of more than I am producing. So, I need to train. I need to train and get over my hangups. As confident as I am of myself, I am not completely confident now, or at least I am not as confident as I used to be. I took singing for granted growing up because it came so easily to me. So, I think that, for the first time, I will learn the truth about this myth of training people how to sing. I believe that you are born with it. I was born with it, but I lost it. So, I wonder if I can get it back.

I am tired of having a mediocre voice. Fortunately, I have people who actually believe that they can get my voice out of me again. Apparently, it is possible. I hope so.

Things that come with ease are very easily taken for granted. We don't know what we've got until it's gone. And, that is the truth. The voice that you shall hear below is the voice after smoking. It is a voice that I consider average. I am capable of better than this, or at least I was. I am going to work towards reclaiming my former glories, or at least to forge a new glory out of destruction, and rise like the Phoenix again, as always.

Listen to my song called "Always" below.


Always by Inana (Veronnica Wolpendz)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Feeling Like A Grown Up!


I have been writing more than usual on the blog because I am feeling antsy, fidgety and slightly out of sorts. There is so much going on, I should be off my rocker, but the events that are happening in my life are more cerebral than physical. My mind is on overdrive. I am okay though. I am very happy, but I am quite scatterbrained.

When I am like this, I record my thoughts in order to compartmentalize the cacophony in my head. I have lists and lists of things that need doing, and none of them are done. This irks me. The problem is that, I can not finish anything on my own, and when other people are involved in my dealings, things do not necessarily go according to my timetable. I have to be cognisant of the humbling fact that life and the Universe DO NOT revolve around me. People have their own rhythms, their own schedules, their own stresses and I am not always the priority in their lives. So, I have to be understanding. This doesn't mean that I have stopped trying to make the world revolve around me. Oh, no! It just means that, I have tried and failed and so I have had to learn patience, compassion and empathy. This is tiresome seeing as I am quite self-involved. I hate waiting! I hate long processes. I hate delays.

But, I am not complaining. I am just observing the state of life, seeing that it could be better if things we done on my terms. Better for whom? For me, of course.

The lists... They are not haunting me, because I will not let them, but my mundane life, and daily routine, is becoming a bit tumultuous, in a non-threatening way.  My zen life is being threatened by ambitions and desires. With that, I am finding trouble sleeping. I don't sleep much generally, but I do require a certain amount of good quality sleep, which I have been lacking lately due to nagging thoughts, lingering ideas and gnawing projects and chores to complete. I have that feeling of having bitten off more than I can chew, but I have just taken a good mouthful instead. The problem is that, I am just feeling overwhelmed by the changes that are occurring in my life. The changes are good, positive, empowering and necessary, but they are overwhelming nonetheless. Especially the changes that need me to collect paper work, and fill out forms and pay attention to boring yet important details.

I am anti-social now not because I am being obscure and introverted. I am being anti-social now because I don't have the energy to deal with anything. Being overwhelmed makes me physically sick. I begin by having tummy problems and then I develop flu like symptoms when I am stressed to the level of exhaustion. This is how I felt yesterday (Friday), so I switched off, drugged myself and slept all day to recuperate. Unfortunately, I don't work 9-5. I am always on work mode because I don't work for anyone but myself. I am always thinking of things to do, information to gather, ways to improve my current lot, and ways to maximize my resources. It might not be manual labour, but it is a tiring state of being, nonetheless.

And so, I write. I write music, write blog posts, write lists, write calculations, until the edge comes off, or in the hopes of having the edge come off. I don't have the luxury of drinking, smoking or taking drugs because I have chosen to not have that luxury. I have found that I have been able to maximize my resources by abstaining from narcotics.  The problem though is that, I have no real escape from myself except for sleep. My hobby is my career and quite frankly, I could not have it any other way. It is just that, I honestly think I need an escape even from the things that I love, just to have a fresh and more healthy way of tackling the things I love.

So, I am going to log off and write another list of things that can help me escape from myself. It's about that time when I need a personal assistant, save for the fact that I can't afford one. I can't even watch television as a means to let my brain rest. Tv agitates me, and a lot lately. Yeah, I definitely require a person to do the tedious things for me. All I have energy for is to delegate right now. I also need to work with people who don't sleep at night like me. Yeah, that would be so awesome because I have no energy or creative juices during the day, especially early in the morning.

Fortunately, I am not a control freak when it comes to boring things so I can delegate duties to people about filling out forms, submitting forms, standing in queues, finding out requirements about which forms to fill out, reading fine print, working out what things cost, finding out if I can afford them, realizing that I can't yet afford them, leaving the house, making dinner, eating dinner... Okay, I can't delegate eating dinner but I wish I could because that's another boring waste of time, i.e. Eating.

I am not complaining. My life is really good. It is filled with love. A good life though is not necessarily an easy life. A good and loving life takes huge amounts of mental and physical exertion. Thinking is such an energy vampire. Thinking is the ultimate work-out. Maybe that's how I keep my figure without going to the gym. I do it by thinking a lot? I digress...

Anyways... I feel grown up all of a sudden.



Friday, May 24, 2013

Whatever Will Be Will Be, With Or Without You.


I view human beings as vessels, simply because I view myself as a vessel. I am unique, but so is everyone else. I am special but so is everyone else. I am different, but so is everyone else. What I offer to people through my uniqueness is something that I can offer to everyone. Similarly, what others can offer to me is something that they can offer to anyone. I am not better or worse than others. I am just different.

If I seek information, any vessel can deliver it to me. My quest for knowledge will bring the knowledge to me via any means necessary. There doesn't need to be a special entity to bring it to me. I will receive the information because I desire it. Nothing can stand in the way of this. If one vessel fails to provide me with what I desire, another will. Therefore, as U2 said, "With or without you..." desired results shall manifest. With or without me, people will live, be happy or be sad, if they so choose. I am not the desire. I am the tool through which the desire can manifest. The same goes for people, they are not your happiness or sadness. They are tools with which you can manifest your happiness or your sadness.

This is why I always find it highly odd when I hear songs and people say, "No one will ever love you as much as I did." as if their love is special or exclusive. Love is love. It comes through anything and through any time and place. With-holding love where love is desired is almost, if not completely, impossible. If love is desired, love will manifest. It is only a matter of time. I believe this to be true, and because of this, I have never been the desperate type, who holds onto things for dear life, due to fear of losing things. If things come, they come and I am grateful for them with complete humility, as I do not take things for granted. But, if things leave, I get disappointed momentarily since I am a hopeful person, then I soon shrug it off and maintain my desire until I manifest what I desire. Enthusiasm is not desperation. This can easily be seem with time. If people observe me enough, they will see that I have high desires, not high fear of loss.

Humans can not lose love because love is all over the place. Everything is love. So, it is just a matter of how you want the love to manifest. That is all. You can't lose love, you can't lose friends, you can't lose opportunities, you can't lose anything because everything is there. What might not be there yet is HOW you want to receive your desires. What might not have lined up yet is HOW you desire for your desires to unfold. But, as for your desires being lost, it can never be so. You can't lose money if you desire money. Money will come if you desire it. What could trip you up and take time is HOW you want to get money. If you don't know that, it might take you a while to get it because the universe is not bossy. The universe respects free-will and it gives you what you desire the way YOU prescribe. So, if you have not made a prescription of how you want to get money, the universe will wait until you DO figure it out. Once you figure it out, and are sure, and convinced without a doubt that your choices are how you fully desire things to be, then the universe hands it to you on a silver platter.

Indecision and not fully committing to our desires is why we don't manifest our desires. Once you have committed to the fact that you desire to receive money through fame, you will receive money through fame. Once you have committed to your desires, and once you have given yourself fully to that desire, and once you have decided that there is no other way in which you want your desires met except for the way you have chosen, your desires will manifest. So, it is uncertainty that makes us not get what we desire. Doubt, shame, guilt, fear and lack of thinking about our desires is why they don't come true. Changing our minds is our prerogative, but it also delays manifestation. Changing our minds is sometimes necessary in order to figure out what we desire, but once we have figured out what we truly desire, we no longer need to change our minds, and that is when we make things happen.

Manifesting our desires has nothing to do with the next person, or with the outside world. It has everything to do with our minds and what we believe we desire and deserve. So, when people THINK that they can hold you back, hurt you, deceive you or stunt your development - they can't because it is out of their jurisdiction. Your mind is in charge, not outside factors. Train your mind to be disciplined and not buckle under pressure, and you will manifest your desires. If you choose the same thing over and over, regardless of the circumstances around you, your choices will soon manifest. So, if you choose that you are worthy of being loved with respect, and settle for nothing less, and choose it whether you experience temporary loneliness, or temporary poverty,  you will eventually get exactly what you desired.

For example:

You are offered an opportunity to manifest your desires, but something is not going as you have always desired, turn it down. You will go without for a bit longer, but when you finally get what you desired, you will get it the way you desired, with full satisfaction and contentment. If you get offered an opportunity, but something is not going as you have always desired, and you take it, you may get some of what you desired, but not all of it. Alternatively, you might not get any of what you desired, and only get yourself complications that you could have avoided by turning it down, and be back to square one.

Of course, I am simplifying this. It is not always easy to turn things down, especially if you're hungry, or if there are people depending on you. It is also not very easy to turn down sub-par treatment when you don't know what A-Class treatment is. So, we compromise on our desires sometimes in order to remember what our true desires are, by experiencing something we don't desire. This is because, at the end of the day, all roads lead to one destination. All roads lead to love. We just take long routes there, or more tumultuous routes there, while we can take shorter and smoother routes there.

Veronnica dies. Inana Rises!
The reality is that, one day ALL of us will be happy. ALL of us. ALL of us will have our desires met as we discover what our true desires are. No one loses on Earth. We all win. The only thing is that we don't all win at the same time, or at least it doesn't seem that way. So, when someone says "You will never find someone who will love you like me," say this to them: "Thank goodness for that, because your type of love is not the love I am looking for." When someone says, "You will never be successful without me," say to them: "Thank goodness because I obviously didn't want to succeed with you, in this manner." And, when someone says to you, "I have knowledge for you that you are missing out on," respond to them by saying, "Thank Goodness because your learning methodology is not the most efficient for me." So, in essence, love, knowledge, power, peace and joy are not exclusive. Everyone can and will have these things when they commit to having them.

We will ALL eventually be happy. We will all eventually feel love and love others. We can not avoid this. It is why we exist. We will ALL one day know ALL. This is also what we are, all-knowing beings. There are certain things which we can choose, but being LOVE is NOT one of them. So, let us all be at peace with the knowledge that everything is a matter of time. We NEVER lose anything we didn't want to lose for long before we find it again. Periods of loss and fear are temporary and brief. Love is everlasting.

Love, Peace and Power of the Star of the Magi! 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

IMPORTANT: Veronnica Wolpendz is DEAD!

Dearest Reader,

Due to marketing reasons for my music career, the name "Veronnica Wolpendz" will soon be a distant memory. It shall be replaced by "Inana" for obvious reasons.

Veronnica Wolpendz has served her purpose, and now she must be laid to rest. Inana is now born. Look! This shouldn't surprise anyone AT ALL. You all know that I am dramatic, changeable, theatrical, but last and not least, I am an artist. Art is all about reinventing oneself for relevance and ease of communicating the message.


Veronnica Wolpendz is:

  1. Too long
  2. Too complicated
  3. Too ambiguous
  4. Not easy to remember.
On the other hand, Inana is:

  1. Short
  2. Easy to say by anyone of any age
  3. Easy to pronounce
  4. Easy to remember.

I apologize for the inconvenience, but hey, it's harder for me than it is for you. It's business. Not personal. It is just not viable. So, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do. Website domains have to be changed, and all sorts of logistical nightmares are going to be a result of this change, but I am not complaining. I am just saying this so that you don't complain.

And, no, I have not joined the Illuminati. LOL!


Love, Peace and Power!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Thank You.

Hello There,

Labels. You've been labelled. You label people and things. It is the norm even though I highly doubt that it is natural. Defining things may make it easier to communicate but it also limits the expansive nature of creation. So, as long as we know that by defining things, we also limit them, then we can always keep in mind that there is always more to an entity than what it seems.

Take me for example. I am somewhat difficult to peg. I imagine that if I am defined by any word, words like eccentric, weird, obscure or even confusing might come to mind. I understand this even though I am very simple. I merely seem complicated because I do things that are seldom done, or because I do things that are discouraged. I take risks, many don't pay off, but the ones that matter do pay off quite handsomely. Due to my somewhat erratic, probably enigmatic and mysterious demeanour, I tend to make people who thought "knew me" feel like I am a stranger to them because I seem to never meet their expectations. Then I isolate people.

You see, if you know me, you would know that I am very changeable. If you know me, you would know that I seek truth above all else, and because of this, I will go to dark areas of consciousness and uncharted areas of life. Also, if you know me, you would know that I am a person that prefers to do things when I desire, on my own terms. Last, but certainly not least, if you know me, you would know that I am a person who keeps to herself, who is regularly in communion with her thoughts, someone who is on a personal journey to be true to herself. This means that, I am not here to meet your expectations or to make you feel comfortable about your life. If I am here for you, then I am here to show you that you can survive the earth doing whatever you like, being fearless and being faithful to your desires, dreams and self-actualization.

I am a patient person. I am a resilient person. I am unafraid of pain even though I abhor it. I am loyal and true to my peace of mind, love of self (and others) and gaining a level of inner power that allows me to have sustainable peace of mind and constant love. That is all I live for. I live to be true to myself. I live to work towards breaking unhealthy cycles, and I live for deprogramming my mind, to go from a slave mentality and into a God mentality.

A slave mentality is evident in a life that is at the mercy of outside circumstances. Being a slave means that you are governed by outside forces to be fulfilled. Being a slave means that you seek approval to feel good about yourself, or you seek outside validation to make major choices in your life. Well... In a few words, I say that you can be happy regardless of what is going on around you. I say that the state of your well being has nothing to do with anyone but yourself, therefore, do what makes your heart jump with joy, and screw everything else. I say fight for the freedom to do what you like. Fight harder and fight longer until you have the freedom you desire to be who you desire. Otherwise, what is the point of being alive?

This is why I am unpredictable, and this is why I might leave people either weary of me, intimidated by me, or repelled by me. I literally live and breathe freedom, or the fight for freedom. I refuse to have people dictate to me what is "right" or "wrong" to me. I refuse!! Why? Because I am the head honcho of my reality. I make the rules of my world. My outlook on life literally has nothing to do with other people, therefore, I do not give my power to outside forces to dictate how I should get a smile on my face. I refuse!

I will do what pleases me. I will follow my excitement. I will listen to my intuition and my inner guidance. I will choose to do the things that make me the same person in private as I am in public. I will not hide behind shadows in fear to be judged due to the strange decisions and actions that I have taken. The reason for that is because I OWN MY WORLD. Outside forces are MY tools to make manifest MY desires. I am not a tool to make manifest other people's desires, unless it is a collaborative effort and all parties involved are happy.

When I decided to be happy, I knew that many people would not be happy about it. I knew that I would fall on my face for a long time before I can stand up tall, and that while I was crawling, I would be persecuted for my choice to be happy, because misery loves company, and people just don't like it when you choose to live in a loving state of mind while they live in fear. I knew that I would experience opposition, mockery, and I knew that I would be many a topic of snickering. All I can say to that is that I am glad to have been of service, to have given you a reason to smile about my life because your life was not giving you a reason to smile. I am honored to have been a source of laughter, entertainment and subject matter. I actually gave you pleasure that you couldn't create for yourself.

Unfortunately, the entertainment that I have provided for you has not been of use to you. You literally wasted your energy on me, when you could have used that energy to make your life better. For that, I thank you. Your energy on me was useful. I used it. I took its negativity and changed it into fuel to live another day on my fight to freedom. And look now... Look at yourself? Are you happier? Are you feeling better? I sure am. Unfortunately, when fear is involved, not everyone benefits. When love is present, all benefit. The fear of re-evaluating and looking at your own life with the scrutiny with which you were looking at my life, has not served you. It served me. It shall carry on doing so too, until you either not think of me, or until you think of me lovingly. Otherwise, you will feed the beast that is ME.

That is the irony of being preoccupied with other people's lives. It leaves your life empty while it energizes your object of criticism. The irony of gossiping and wagging your tongue about people who do not even give you a second thought is that, YOU become a pawn to their lives - contrary to how you may feel as you giggle about them among your covens.

Then they say being self-involved is bad? No... It is not "good" or "bad". It is either useful or useless. In my case, it would seem that, my resolve, my choices, my pain and my sacrifices were useful. I am proud to say that I am content about my personal and professional life, BUT I still desire more than what I have because all that time I spent alone being a "weirdo", I discovered that I am more than "this". I am much more. I am capable of more love and beauty. I am capable of more peace and power. I am capable of more because I am limitless. I know what I am capable of. I know that I am NOT alone. I know that I am love, and I know... I just know... And what I know is worth all the whispers that occurred and are occurring behind my back because as I said before, whether good or bad, your thoughts, words and actions for and against me empower me to be the person I desire to be. This means that, I am grateful to you for helping me reach my goals and desires. I couldn't have done it without your negativity or positivity.

Do you then understand the point I am trying to make?

If not, let me spell it out:

Regardless of what happens, I am going to carry on with my personal journey and goals. You give me the power to do so by any thought, word or action relative to me. For that, I thank you. And, yes, some of you have dedicated years to my personal growth through your thoughts, words and actions, and I thank you. We are co-creators after all. I couldn't have done it without you. I couldn't have lived to see this day, and be grateful for my blessings without your blessings and curses to me. Both light and darkness fuel me, and THAT is just another way in which I am becoming FREE to be.

A word of advice: Mind your own business. Think of people in a positive and loving manner. Otherwise, you just lose energy to others and leave yourself on empty. Seriously, think and act lovingly upon others and you shall receive love while they also receive love. Think negatively on others and you pour energy on them, and receive NOTHING in return. If you happen to think negative energy on an alchemist like me, who has dedicated her life to turning fear into love, then, you just make a person like me prosper, regardless of what you throw at the person.

I won't lie and say that it has been easy learning to change negativity into love. It has almost killed me, and it almost kills me everyday, BUT, almost doesn't count. Sure, I lose battles every so often, but the war isn't over until I say so. The war is to win freedom. What is freedom?

Freedom = Love = God = Eternal = Truth.

Think about that. Or not. Whatever.

I am just sitting here thankful as I am hitting milestones one after another, wondering if I have finally hit the critical mass point of no return. Point of no return to fear. Because if I have, then life is about to get very good because I have not peaked at all. I just started. The life before now was me warming up. Now I am about to rehearse. I am preparing for opening night. It takes a life time to peak. So, don't count my eggs before they hatch. If I am not done, what makes you think I am done? My purpose is to have full control of my reality. That takes a lifetime. So, if you see me flat-line, you have every reason to know that I am about to be resurrected.

Big risks come with big rewards or big losses. Unfortunately, I am an extremist so I experience both from time to time. The trick is that, I must experience more rewards than losses, as I have been doing thus far, and I will be fine. I hope the same for everyone on earth. I truly do. It's why I know that I am alright. Are you alright?

Anyway... that was a rant and a half.

To close:

There is not a day that passes when I don't say "Thank You".

Inana (LOL!)

Monday, May 20, 2013


The women will know what I am talking about...

When your uterus hurts so badly it feels like you're about to give birth to razor blades. Your lower back is in agony and your thighs are pulling as if the uterus and the back are taking energy from it, and no matter what painkiller you take, the pain is shouting so loudly that you can hardly think of anything but it. In fact, good luck if you're going to try and concentrate on anything or worse, walk somewhere as your back will be hunched, spasms holding it hostage and wincing from the sharp shards of stabbing pain that come with the cramps.

You know what I'm talking about, sister? I'm talking about the monthly trials of a woman honey. And, it is shit, baby. Total and utter nonsense.

Not only are you half conscious because of pain, you're drugged to your eyeballs with some pain-numbing chemical which seems to make you more spaced out than to adequately numb the pain. So, you're high, in pain, distressed and just have enough energy to utter one word answers, or to be passive aggressive with facial expression because talking is another chore that requires too much energy.

Don't forget the lack of sleep from the above mentioned ordeals and from endless bathroom runs to remain hygienic and sanitary. You don't know what time it is, because you have to set the alarm for every 3 hours in order to avoid any unsavoury repercussions upon your bed and linen. You're on guard all the time, and all this has to be done under the haze of pain and drugs.

Personally, I can't take strong drugs with ibuprofen, so I take this over the counter shit which does not relieve the pain properly, making me less productive generally, which annoys me all the way to outer space because I can't think.

The burden and the cross women have to bear is shit!

And I have had it!!

I'm getting my ovaries snipped! But then, I have been saying this since  I was 14 years old, so it's the pain talking.

Ok, typing is annoying now as another cramp and back spasm hits, so bye.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Dearest Reader,

Beauty, they say, is in the eye of the beholder. This is a comforting thought, except, it is not completely true. It is somewhat true. Sure, people have differences in preferences but true beauty is in energy, and that energy is honed and concentrated by geometry. So, beauty is in the eye of the beholder within certain constructs of geometry, symmetry and how certain shapes pull in energy, making them "shine" or exude beauty, while other shapes create an interference and emit energy that does not get perceived with pleasure, or where the object doesn't get perceived at all.

Above geometry and symmetry, beauty is in how much energy an object receives. Therefore, even an object without harmony can exude beauty if it is replenished with energy and brimming with vitality. It is just that, those objects who are geometrically harmonious compel energy to it, while those that aren't geometrically harmonious need effort to have energy, an energy that has to either be taken or donated. Whereas, naturally beautiful things are given energy without trying.

Beauty vs Geometry
So, as idealistic as it may sound, not all things are beautiful, but all things can be beautiful. If an object has the advantage of great geometry working for it, then you find that most people are almost hypnotized by it, giving it attention and energy without trying to, willingly pouring their power into it, like a moth to a flame. Whereas, other non-symmetric objects are not as hypnotizing as best as possible.

Things that are beautiful are things that appeal to us on a subconscious level. As much as we think we choose what we find beautiful, this is not the case. The object of beauty commands us to pay attention to it. It does not usually do this on purpose. As I said, it is its design, its energy and its vitality that determines how we react to it. As much as we CAN be programmed to view certain things as more beautiful than others, as some believe that western beauty has been programmed to be the accepted form of beauty of the world, the truth is, even programming can be overridden by true, natural and universal beauty of PHI.
We had to learn how to draw this in school with a pencil, compass and protractor

At the end of the day, as much as certain images are being programmed into our brains to be what is meant to be beautiful, in our real lives, when it comes to choosing the things that we find beautiful, they usually are not in line with what popular culture determines. I have heard it time and time again from men saying, "We don't like skinny women", while skinny women are considered the "true" beauty. Why is that?

That is because although we think that the beauty and sex industries are telling us what is beautiful, the truth is that, the beauty and sex industry is not selling beauty at all. What they are selling is the "un-attainability". They are selling us what we can't be, because they know that we don't know what we are to actually realize that we can not BE what they are selling.

Phi in faces and nature
If we knew what we are, we would not have insecurities. If we knew who we are, we wouldn't have a lack of satisfaction for what we are. If we knew who we are, we would know that beauty is what's full of life, not what is wilting, or dying. If we knew who we are, we would know that we feel beautiful and perceive beauty when we feel a certain vibration, NOT when we see a certain object. The object's shape is merely a tool and vessel to summon the energy that is then interpreted as beauty. It is never the object itself that is beautiful. It is the energy that the object commands that makes us feel beauty.

Of course, we can perceive energy through our senses, and it is easy to think that it is the eye that sees beauty, but the eye is merely a tool through which we can feel the beauty. The eye, the nose, the touch and the ear and the mouth are just tools to interpret the energy that an object is emitting, and sending it to our brain to be perceived as "pleasure" or "disgust" or "neither here or there".

The senses, just as your body, are a tool, not the Self.

What does the pentagram REALLY symbolize?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Not quite, but kinda. Beauty is more complex than that. Beauty involves the object being perceived as much as the tools used to perceive the object. The object can emit no energy for any tool to perceive its existence, and until the object gets powered up, it might be considered "lacking in beauty". The very same object can therefore be perceived as beautiful, not because the beholder changed, but because the object changed. Similarly, Beauty can be in the eye of the beholder because the beholder (tool) might not be sophisticated enough or designed in such a way so as not to perceive or appreciate the object's energy.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Race, Language, Debates and Tolerance!

Hey There,

Obviously by now, few people are purely one of these
Race relations are a very tricky territory to navigate because there are subtle nuances that offend others  intentionally or unintentionally, and at most times, they do not fall under the rational side of the spectrum. Our differing shades of skin, our differing land of origin, our differing religions and differing accents can be a source of incredible disputes. There are things that people will do with an innocent heart and with good intentions, which do not get received with pleasure. The cause of this is simply due to not understanding the other person. That is all. That can be fixed through discussion, but discussions are a rare pleasure. Discussions are rare because people choose to argue and defend themselves from seemingly being attacked when they have not been attacked but merely criticized constructively. Of course, some people will attack and not criticize constructively, but anyone with a thirst for growth and knowledge doesn't have time to attack people.

Regardless of your appearance, we have the same DNA
Is it necessary to fight over our differences? No, it is not necessary at all, but fights seem to be the easiest catalysts to humans understanding each other and communicating. This is why I don't fear arguments and debates, because they truly allow those who can not communicate effectively, a way to express their thoughts. Arguing  and debating is a good way to exchange ideas, but only if the parties involved are all committed to the goal of creating a resolution and reaching reconciliation. Well, at least if one of the parties involved is seeking knowledge, and not seeking to win.

Debates are often useless when people are attacking one another, calling each other names, and not concentrating on the matter at hand. Unfortunately, many people's egos are so wrapped up and intertwined with their ideas that, it is impossible to have a civilized conversation with them because they take criticism to their words and actions as an attack to their core self. Although it is something that people should eventually outgrow, this is the norm. It is normal for people to identify personally with their ideas that they think that their ideas are WHO THEY ARE.Idea are our creations. They are not WHO WE ARE.  This is when people make a debate counter-productive and try to deplete people's esteem instead of resolving an issue. Otherwise, if the parties involved in the debate can address the points presented to them, removed from the issue at hand and viewing it objectively, debates can actually be a source for growth and wisdom.
If one of these a missing, a misunderstanding can occur

Our differences in culture, language and general upbringing are a cause of a lot of disputes because people are generally not cognisant of how subjective life is. People grow up in their homes and their communities or in their heads, where everyone is similar to them culturally, and when thrust into the global world, they forget that they are no longer dealing with their familiar audience.  Then people say things, and do things that offend others, simply because it had never offended anyone before. What was once harmless then becomes a weapon. Where calling black people "monkeys" was funny, it ceases to be amusing and starts becoming offensive. The intention behind calling black people monkeys might be innocent, I mean, your childhood friend and dearest friend was black and didn't mind being called that, but now, it is suddenly an issue. Then a person feels attacked for doing nothing at all.

Instead of asking why it is an issue so that one can understand why something as innocent as calling another human a monkey can be a cause of great anger, one becomes defensive instead, and starts defending the act of calling people monkeys. And that's where the ego plays a role because the simple, least egotistical thing, and most tolerant thing to do is to stop the act that caused offence, apologise for causing harm unintentionally, and then ASK HOW YOU CAUSED OFFENCE so that you don't do it again. This is not about YOU, or even about the person who is offended, really. It is about gaining wisdom and understanding for your fellow human being.

Then once you understand that your innocent actions can cause harm on others, you can be more mindful next time, and most importantly, you would be better suited to navigate the world, because tolerance, understanding of others, and self-evaluation are the keys to unlocking a better quality of life.

We are One, just from different towns. 
When someone is offended by what you have said, you have two choices, really. The first choice is to perpetuate the anger and deepen the person's wound. The second choice is to help the other heal their wound. How you do that differs from misunderstanding to misunderstanding. Sometimes a simple apology can sooth frazzled hearts. Sometimes clarifying your intention and showing the other person that you meant no harm is needed. Sometimes it takes changing your behaviour slightly, compromising where you can. Oh, there is another choice. You can do nothing. This slows our evolution, but it doesn't stop it therefore it is perfectly fine to let offended people to their own devices. Of course, you don't have to heal other people's wounds. It is all a choice. The point is that, when a person is offended by a careless or even intentional word or act of yours, an opportunity arises for you to define yourself as someone who is supportive and compassionate, or as someone egotistical and self-obsessed, or someone who is not helpful.

Also, keep in mind that, for a person to even share that they are hurt by your actions is a big act of trust towards you. That is why you find that people don't argue with people they don't care about, or at least like. In fact, if a person doesn't trust that you are capable of better, if a person thinks little of you and finds you too primitive to evolve to a level where you can engage with them intellectually (or emotionally), a person usually doesn't say anything to you, but instead, they mumble curses at you, or complain about you to other people. For a person to challenge your thinking, it means that they have some investment in your thinking, for better or for worse. They care. Otherwise, they would leave you to your idiocy and let you remain in your ignorance of being inappropriate and self-defeating.

Use these tools before attacking or feeling attacked.
And remember, people are not looking to change your mind when they challenge your thoughts. They are merely asking for you to understand their perspective. If they are trying to change your mind, that too is also quite primitive. We give people information (how we feel) and let them choose what to do with it. We do not   indoctrinate(impose ourselves on
) people.

With Love,



Friday, May 10, 2013

The Adjustment Bureau Has Me.

Dearest Reader,

Time is an illusion. I think we are all clear on this. If we are not all clear on this, then we still need to contemplate existence a bit more, through meditation, and we need to read a bit more, until we understand this reality. Time does NOT exist. What exists is information and HOW we view it. Therefore, what is commonly termed as the past, if observed objectively, is made of the same stuff that a fantasy is made of. The difference between the illusion called "a fantasy" and that called "reality" is that the past is believed to have happened, and that the other is BELIEVED to have not happened. Intrinsically, memories and fantasies are the same "substance", and they are made different by how we define and view them. Because the image in our head is BELIEVED to have happened, we call it a memory. The image, in our head, that we BELIEVE has not happened, we call a fantasy.

I know I am most likely undermining your intelligence by outlining this because this is a very simple concept, but I also realise that not everyone understands what I understand, and so I am explaining things in a rather rudimentary style in order to suit everyone. You see, there is no use in speaking with bombast and not being understood. Speaking without being understood is a waste of time, therefore, simplifying one's language is often useful.

Now, let us return to the discussion about time.

Time is a non-existent thing which we humans have come to make real because we simply didn't have the language or the means of defining the phenomenon of experiencing our reality, a reality which is limited and seemingly linear. Our reality is limited because it does not allow us TO BE AWARE of other realities. Oh, we do experience other realities, but we are simply unaware that we are. That is the mystery of this level of existence. Unaware, we move from timeline to timeline, and return to previous timelines, and bounce around creation, probably as often as every nano-second, but we just don't know it.

What we know is that we have these images in our heads that are supposedly things we did IN THE PAST. These things, sometimes include other people and include activities we shared with others. These memories give us the feeling of context, and make sense of the present for us, and memories are probably programmed in us to affect the only real thing, which is the present moment. But, imagine that you merely downloaded a file of memories, and didn't actually experience them, but the file of images, or the movie file you downloaded is so realistic that YOU THINK you did it?

The point is: Who is to say that anything ever happened? No one but the mind. Think about it. If it is a shared experience, and your answer is that the memory is real because other people were there, what if it is a collective movie file, starring a whole lot of people? The point I am trying to make is that, what is real is real because we make it so.

Now, look at your life and think of all the turning points in your life. What are the chances of the fact that your experiences actually occurred? The probability is probably very low. For example, to be in love today, do you think it would have been possible if you had chosen differently the events of your memories (your past)? I think now, about my current significant other, and the chances of us connecting were so slim that for it to have occurred seems to have been almost orchestrated by some highly evolved intelligence, and the orchestration must have begun weaving its tune from the time I was born because there were a lot of things that had to be put in place, and there were a lot of things that had to be removed out of place in order to allow us to connect. It is so unlikely that we are together that I am amazed.

We met each other as kids, at primary school. The school in which we met was not my school of choice. In fact, registration was over and the school was full. I had wanted to go to other schools, and each time, I was turned away. I went to that primary school thinking that I would probably not go to school that year, when the principal said he liked me and would allow me to study there, regardless of being filled to capacity. I didn't want to attend that school, and if I didn't, I would not have known my significant other.

To have moved in the a new school, I had to have had a reason to move schools. The reason to move schools was not directly due to me. It was a family thing. We moved, and the circumstances behind moving were also quite specialized and out of my hands. I was a kid after all, so this whole play included my parents too, because had it not been for them, I would have gone to school somewhere different.

Being turned away by lesser schools and being accepted into a better school also made no sense to me, even at the time, but good schools had less pupils so entry was easier and harder for other reasons, but in my case, it was too easy to get admission to that school.

That's just one example of many ways in which my connection with my significant other seems quite fated, as if I had no real free will in the matter, as if it was predetermined from before I met him that we should come together, as if all the other seemingly tumultuous experiences of my life were just a side effect of some predetermined event being made manifest.

Then, I think about the other people in my life that were abruptly removed to make manifest my current life, and most of the people, circumstances and places that were removed from my reality seem to have been for the purposes of connecting with my significant other. I would love to go into detail with many of my observations but the events are too personal to share. Trust me, though, I feel as if I was thrust into my man's arms. I am not complaining. I am glad. It feels as though it was planned. That is all.

I even wrote a list called "My Man" in 2007 or 2008, and it described him to a T. I am talking about eye colour, height, career, level of career, age, hair colour, and even to the languages he spoke. I often can not explain this to people because it seems unreal. I am detail orientated, so I dared "fate" and I wrote my list with specifics, and this boy I knew from school just happened to grow into what I named on the list. What are the chances?

When I meditate, and when I listen to my inner world, I hear and feel echoes of lives I haven't technically lived, or lives I can't remember vividly. I laugh at jokes that have not been told to me in this life, and I have reservations about people and places that I have no reason to be wary of. It's as if all realities and timelines (lifetimes) are speaking at once with only this one speaking the loudest, allowing me to understand what it is saying. Whereas, the other timelines are murmuring and whispering, and although I can hear them, I can not understand what they are saying. In these non-audible timelines, I hear people from THIS timeline speaking to me, but when I look at them in this reality and ask "What did you say?", they look at me with confusion in their eyes, their mouths closed, with an expression on their face saying, "I didn't say anything. Why are you looking at me as if I said something to you?"

This is when I say to myself, "They spoke to me in another time, not this time..." and shake my head apologetically and say to them, "Sorry. My mistake." and carry on walking. I spoke with them in another time, another place, another reality, not this one, but the truth is that I spoke to them NOW because time does not exist. Which makes me wonder who I am speaking to (from or to another time) without being aware of it, just as people speak to me (from another time) without being aware of it.

The convergence of timelines will be the ultimate destroyer of our perception of time. When we begin to realize that "to think of something is to be something", just in another timeline, and when we can not only conceptualize this but actually feel it, we will learn and feel time disintegrate right before our eyes. Unfortunately, we don't develop at the same time, nor do we develop at the same rate, and so, there is still going to be a long time of asking "What did you say?" and being looked at like a weirdo because the person believes that they didn't say anything, but by 2038, I believe it will be better.

Why did I mention my significant other?

Well, it seems like an entity, whether it was our higher selves, or God or whatever intelligence, who could view all times, was planning events to work out as they have presently. This entity has a plan and made the plan happen. Being the thinker that I am, I can't help wonder what was so important about my significant other and I connecting, that was so hectic as to move people across continents, abruptly move people from school to school, arrange that we are in the same classes, arrange that we both change to the people we are today through great trials, just so that we can be together. What is the big deal? It feels like a huge conspiracy, as if the puppet master said, "These two need to be together in order to spawn a special child." or "These two need to be together to save the world from her becoming an evil dictator." or "These two need to be together at whatever cost in order to usher in a new era of..." I can't speculate upon the purpose of our coming together, but it is certainly a result of highly probable outcomes being abruptly and unlikely erased from happening, and a result of highly unlikely events happening so that we connect.

It is like a big, fat science-fiction film.

The unlikely feelings of familiarity, and the unlikely instant trust are all just out of the ordinary. It's like we were both planted with feelings of trust for each other because there is no reason why we should trust one another, but we do. There is no reason why we should even like one another, and yet we do. Of course, there are pheromones... but that's another blog post altogether.

When something makes me ask, "What are the chances of this happening?" I can't help but look up in awe and ask questions, especially when there was every reason why it shouldn't have happened. Then there are opposite things in my life that have every reason of happening and yet they do not. It makes a person feel like the Adjustment Bureau is involved in my life. It makes me feel as if The Matrix has me, as if people from the future are messing with the outcome of my life and that I probably have less free will than I thought.

I am not complaining about the good stuff, though. :)


Happy New Moon Solar Eclipse (In Taurus)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

SMH! (Shaking My Head!!)

Dearest Reader,

All I want right now is peace, and I also want the freedom to watch tv in peace, when I so wish. But, now... The new guy next door and I share a wall and the tv decoder, and when he changes channels, mine change too. I don't care really. He can watch the tv but, it also seems that when he switches his off, mine goes off too. I suspect that it is due to the fact that we have identical tvs and the remote controls are interchangeable on top of sharing a decoder. Apparently you can have ONE decoder for two tvs which broadcast things independently with some device. This device is in my room. *sigh* So, I dunno, hey. This could get on my nerves.

The point is: I don't have time for this crap! I don't like tv so much as to be exasperated by it. But, it might cause some stress when it suddenly goes on in the morning while I am in my deepest, sweetest sleep, which will piss me off, because I hate being woken up prematurely by noise I didn't expect.

I feel like going there and saying, "Dude! Have the tv to yourself. I will watch things online if I want to watch anything. This is not a competition. I don't care. I just want peace. I don't want this to escalate."

I have switched the tv off again. I hope it stays off. If it doesn't. I guess, I will be up all night since I can not sleep with the tv on. It's thirty minutes after midnight, for crying out loud. Why isn't he sleeping? We can't all be insomniacs, can we?

I guess, I am just irritable. I don't even know the dude next door. He is probably a nice guy just trying to watch tv, and he is probably perplexed as to why his remote control is being over-ridden by someone else, in this case, an irritable insomniac with a penchant for cooking shows and drag queen reality shows, namely ME. I just don't have the patience for playing tv wars though right now. If I was a drinker and smoker, I would probably be in the mood for a glass of wine and a cigarette.  No, wine is not strong enough. Maybe a whiskey or cognac.

Anyway, I am babbling. I am also tired. I am also experiencing weird cravings. The cravings could be a result of an increased metabolism from this Green Tea, Cayenne Pepper and Ginger thing I am drinking to increase my metabolism, or it could be the pro-biotics I am taking. Last, but certainly not least, I could be pregnant with the second coming of Christ because I don't have unprotected sex. So...

LOL! I am laughing at myself. I am taking myself way too seriously. So, I am craving food. I must eat! Right? Why do I have to analyse it? Of course, I watch my body for strange things in case I develop some mysterious and deadly disease, but I am a healthy person. If I am craving something, I must just eat it, and leave it at that. My mind is a slave driver though and it can't just watch a change in pattern in my behaviour and not analyse it. Curse my high intelligence! Curse my analytical skills! Curse my beautiful mind. LOL!

Okay, I am being silly now. I think I am bored.

Oh, great!

Now I need to go to the loo, which requires me to leave this warm and fuzzy marshmallow of a bed for a stone, cold toilet seat. Curse my healthy bladder. Curse being hydrated enough to require visits to the lavatory in this bitter cold.

Okay, it is not THAT cold. It never gets THAT cold here, but to me, this is how I imagine the Antarctic to be. I imagine that the Antarctic is 15 degrees Celsius, 'cause that's the temperature right now. Yes, in my dramatic and theatrical world, anything below 20 degrees is bitter cold, even 19 degrees is a cause for outrage. I have had the heater on 24/7 for the last 3 days. 

What on earth was I talking about?

Who know? SMH!

Let me just do the last bits, and grab a fruit salad in the fridge and try to sleep. It's too early for me to sleep now. It's not even 2am, but I can try. I will do a lexagram. That usually puts me to sleep.


Veronnica Wolpendz

Love, Peace and Power.