Artist Insecurities...

Hey there...

I know what I know. I know what I can do and I know what I can not do. I view myself quite objectively. I know who I am better than in certain fronts, if I had to rate myself with certain criteria. I know who I need to aspire to in order to improve. I am always improving my skills. I never rest. I play guitar as if I am going to perform tomorrow. I am learning music. It is just how I am. I am always thirsty to improve mentally, physically and spiritually. I am always looking to be better and to push myself to the best of my capabilities.

This brings us to singing.

I don't push myself when it comes to singing. I don't know how to. Since destroying my voice with being a smoker 7 years ago (I smoked for 5 years), my voice changed. I didn't think that upon my first puff of a cigarette that I would be destroying my dreams. Fortunately, I quit. I quit too late, or just in time to be able to sing. Well, there is always a positive. Before smoking, I had no voice of my own. I mimicked Mariah Carey, and reached her notes, but I didn't have my style. After smoking, I had vocal limitations, which forced me to find a way to be authentically me instead of singing like other people. Then, through loss, I was able to find my own voice.

Now, though, I need training. My voice is better than half the people in the South African music industry, and about 40% better than most people in the International market, but this is personally not good enough, since I can do better. Because I do not push myself vocally, I have become a lazy singer. I don't like this about myself. So, I am going to take up some voice training and strengthen my voice again.

I know my limitations right now. It is not a lack talent. It is a lack of ability right now. My voice is weak. It is a muscle that needs to be sent to gym on an intense program and strengthened to a point where I can say, "I can not sing better than this." Right now, I can definitely say that I can sing better than I do.

Firstly, I am self-conscious in studio. My nerves, due to my after smoking insecurity have me not as confident as I should be. When I am nervous and not comfortable, my vocal chords constrict and I lose focus on the voice, and it weakens even more. That shit must stop! It is pissing me off. As a matter of fact, I probably now understand why artists take cocaine because apparently, it gives a person confidence. I wouldn't know. I have never snorted coke because confidence is not something I generally lack in my life. But, strangely, when it comes to singing, I become some fearful person I do not recognize. I get afraid, literally, of hearing my imperfect voice.

I think it is a result of always being good at everything I have ever tried. So, for the first time, I am experiencing an inability, and it is a novel experience. I wouldn't say that my voice was exceptional, but it was great! Now, my voice is mediocre. Mediocrity is not a place I enjoy, especially when I KNOW that I am capable of more than I am producing. So, I need to train. I need to train and get over my hangups. As confident as I am of myself, I am not completely confident now, or at least I am not as confident as I used to be. I took singing for granted growing up because it came so easily to me. So, I think that, for the first time, I will learn the truth about this myth of training people how to sing. I believe that you are born with it. I was born with it, but I lost it. So, I wonder if I can get it back.

I am tired of having a mediocre voice. Fortunately, I have people who actually believe that they can get my voice out of me again. Apparently, it is possible. I hope so.

Things that come with ease are very easily taken for granted. We don't know what we've got until it's gone. And, that is the truth. The voice that you shall hear below is the voice after smoking. It is a voice that I consider average. I am capable of better than this, or at least I was. I am going to work towards reclaiming my former glories, or at least to forge a new glory out of destruction, and rise like the Phoenix again, as always.

Listen to my song called "Always" below.


Always by Inana (Veronnica Wolpendz)


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