Feeling Like A Grown Up!


I have been writing more than usual on the blog because I am feeling antsy, fidgety and slightly out of sorts. There is so much going on, I should be off my rocker, but the events that are happening in my life are more cerebral than physical. My mind is on overdrive. I am okay though. I am very happy, but I am quite scatterbrained.

When I am like this, I record my thoughts in order to compartmentalize the cacophony in my head. I have lists and lists of things that need doing, and none of them are done. This irks me. The problem is that, I can not finish anything on my own, and when other people are involved in my dealings, things do not necessarily go according to my timetable. I have to be cognisant of the humbling fact that life and the Universe DO NOT revolve around me. People have their own rhythms, their own schedules, their own stresses and I am not always the priority in their lives. So, I have to be understanding. This doesn't mean that I have stopped trying to make the world revolve around me. Oh, no! It just means that, I have tried and failed and so I have had to learn patience, compassion and empathy. This is tiresome seeing as I am quite self-involved. I hate waiting! I hate long processes. I hate delays.

But, I am not complaining. I am just observing the state of life, seeing that it could be better if things we done on my terms. Better for whom? For me, of course.

The lists... They are not haunting me, because I will not let them, but my mundane life, and daily routine, is becoming a bit tumultuous, in a non-threatening way.  My zen life is being threatened by ambitions and desires. With that, I am finding trouble sleeping. I don't sleep much generally, but I do require a certain amount of good quality sleep, which I have been lacking lately due to nagging thoughts, lingering ideas and gnawing projects and chores to complete. I have that feeling of having bitten off more than I can chew, but I have just taken a good mouthful instead. The problem is that, I am just feeling overwhelmed by the changes that are occurring in my life. The changes are good, positive, empowering and necessary, but they are overwhelming nonetheless. Especially the changes that need me to collect paper work, and fill out forms and pay attention to boring yet important details.

I am anti-social now not because I am being obscure and introverted. I am being anti-social now because I don't have the energy to deal with anything. Being overwhelmed makes me physically sick. I begin by having tummy problems and then I develop flu like symptoms when I am stressed to the level of exhaustion. This is how I felt yesterday (Friday), so I switched off, drugged myself and slept all day to recuperate. Unfortunately, I don't work 9-5. I am always on work mode because I don't work for anyone but myself. I am always thinking of things to do, information to gather, ways to improve my current lot, and ways to maximize my resources. It might not be manual labour, but it is a tiring state of being, nonetheless.

And so, I write. I write music, write blog posts, write lists, write calculations, until the edge comes off, or in the hopes of having the edge come off. I don't have the luxury of drinking, smoking or taking drugs because I have chosen to not have that luxury. I have found that I have been able to maximize my resources by abstaining from narcotics.  The problem though is that, I have no real escape from myself except for sleep. My hobby is my career and quite frankly, I could not have it any other way. It is just that, I honestly think I need an escape even from the things that I love, just to have a fresh and more healthy way of tackling the things I love.

So, I am going to log off and write another list of things that can help me escape from myself. It's about that time when I need a personal assistant, save for the fact that I can't afford one. I can't even watch television as a means to let my brain rest. Tv agitates me, and a lot lately. Yeah, I definitely require a person to do the tedious things for me. All I have energy for is to delegate right now. I also need to work with people who don't sleep at night like me. Yeah, that would be so awesome because I have no energy or creative juices during the day, especially early in the morning.

Fortunately, I am not a control freak when it comes to boring things so I can delegate duties to people about filling out forms, submitting forms, standing in queues, finding out requirements about which forms to fill out, reading fine print, working out what things cost, finding out if I can afford them, realizing that I can't yet afford them, leaving the house, making dinner, eating dinner... Okay, I can't delegate eating dinner but I wish I could because that's another boring waste of time, i.e. Eating.

I am not complaining. My life is really good. It is filled with love. A good life though is not necessarily an easy life. A good and loving life takes huge amounts of mental and physical exertion. Thinking is such an energy vampire. Thinking is the ultimate work-out. Maybe that's how I keep my figure without going to the gym. I do it by thinking a lot? I digress...

Anyways... I feel grown up all of a sudden.




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