Sunday, July 31, 2011

Silence is Golden

*Blog post written Tuesday, 26th July2011.*
Dear Reader,
A lot of things have been frustrating me lately, one of which is speaking. So, I have decided to shut up. Speaking has reaped results which I find undesirable. I am now paying for my sins, and I have a feeling that this very post will make me pay some more, but so be it! I am an anarchist at heart, so let it rip!
I know, if you have just recently started reading my blog, and when I say recently, I mean this year, or if you have just recently been exposed to me on twitter, or on Facebook, or wherever, you would think I talk a whole lot, huh? Well, that’s half true. I speak a lot when I am really comfortable or really nervous, otherwise I am silent, or I speak when I have something substantial to say. Lately, I’ve just been really comfortable, so much so that I thought I would let you guys know the other side of my personality, the not so serious, not so brooding, not so profound, not so wise, not so preachy side of my personality, because my desire is to be known as who I AM and I can’t do that if I don’t share who I am, can I?.
It would seem, though, that my desires and yours are at odds. So, I am going to keep quiet now because I hate explaining myself about unintelligent, meaningless shit!
For starters, is this Sizwe Dhlomo the only guy I have ever spoken about in this manner or it is just that you people decided to just not use any sort of perspective and just latch on whatever it is that made it possible for you to make my life difficult? I don’t remember getting this shit when I wrote that blog about Leonardo Di Caprio being my lover. In fact, when I wrote that one, it was taken the way it was meant to be taken and we laughed together and moved on. Maybe it is because the South Africans that are reading my blog assume that if I speak about Leo Di Caprio it is a joke, but when I speak about Sizwe Dhlomo, it isn’t? Is that it? I didn’t get this shit for joking around about Trey Songz who, for your information, you ignorant little twats, ranks the same in the hot-o-meter as Sizwe Dhlomo, but Trey Songz was last year, I treated Trey the same way as Sizwe Dhlomo, but did I get this rubbish? No! Also, I tweeted dear sexy Trey all the time and no one had issues with it, so why this guy?
Secondly, is my talk about the afterlife, about Sci-fi principles such as teleportation, about reincarnation and about the soul a new thing for me to discuss, or y’all just have a tight wad in your pants making you less able to see humor when it hits you? Just because I speak of teleportation doesn’t mean I can bloody teleport. I mean… REALLY? Are you guys fucking kidding me? No, I have not spoken to aliens as far as I am concerned. Forgive me for loving Science Fiction, and I am sorry for having an imagination! Jesus! What is up with you people? You people have got to chill! And, please don’t come to me now being offended about you concluding that I don’t believe in aliens, okay? I have not experienced aliens. That’s a fact. If you have been having rendezvous with galactic beings, good for you. If I like science fiction, and if my musings usually have galactic, and lost civilization themes to them, how does that translate to me having an audience with aliens? Huh? How does writing a blog about imagining a scenario about my afterlife translate to me being an interplanetary traveler in this current incarnation? You guys are idiots. I’m not being nice, but you guys asked for it! And trust me, I am holding myself back.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is talking about sex taboo? Am I neutered? Am I not a sexual being? When did speaking about sex make me a sex fiend? And, the last time I checked, I didn’t even speak about it in a perverse way. So, where did this thing of making me sound like a sexual deviant happen? Okay, my mind is often in the gutter, but not in a disgusting way, okay. Just because I am not ashamed of being a sexual being doesn’t mean I want to have sex with anything that moves, alright? And, is talking about relationships something strange for you? Does occasionally talking about relationships mean that I am having them left, right and center? Even when I write that I am often a lone wolf, you think I am lying about that because if you’re single you’re supposed to be bitter about men, love and sex, right? You can’t be single and happy, no! And, please, shut it with that, “How can a pretty girl like you be single” and not be a village harlot, bull, you mean? What's your fucking point?
Also, if you’re speaking about sex, it means you’re a sex addict and therefore I must be buying gigolos to pounce on. I can’t JUST talk about anything without actually doing it, eh? Or, I am supposed to write about how disgruntled I am about sex, not how wonderful sex is, because it can’t be wonderful if I am not doing it? What is wrong with you people’s abilities to reason logically? A woman can’t talk about sex and have it be normal and healthy. That’s for men. Men are hot-blooded! So, they can talk about sex. When a woman speaks about sex, she must be a tramp, a whore, or a nymphomaniac. Right? Women are supposed to be silent about sexuality because we have these things between our legs but we don’t know what they are for, right? Sorry, I missed the memo!
What is the issue here? Am I shattering your expectations of who I am to you by discussing these things, by being silly, sexual, and imaginative and twisted; by being myself? I don’t know if the people bitching and moaning, judging and questioning, feeling embarrassed and offended about my subject matter this year, are people who have been reading my blog for long. My blog began in 2007, on MySpace. Then in 2008, I deleted all the things I had written in 2007 for reasons I’ll not divulge. Then in 2009 or 2010 I migrated to blogspot. During all this time, I have written about anything and everything. I have written about my silly celebrity crushes which mean fuckall, I have written about sex but never in a humorous way, I admit. Yeah, the difference between then and this year is that I have been writing these blogs the way I usually speak, the way I AM often, the way I often think, and I guess you aren’t happy with that, eh? You would rather I sound like some superhuman guru all the time, teaching you and sharing things that have been revealed to me, but only if it doesn’t make me seem human, right? Because wisdom can’t come from a human, right? It must come from deity or a guru? I must just be Nefertiti incarnate all the time, right? Forget about the fact that I am still in my 20s and practically a child?
Now, listen carefully and this isn’t a joke…
If I hear another person ask me if I believe in aliens, I am going to blow a gasket. I swear on your mother I will fuck you up! If I hear another person question me about Sizwe Dhlomo and my feelings for him, I am going to lose it, even if you are joking with me after reading this, I will still lose it! I’m going to bring out the Shaka Zulu that courses through my veins and discipline your ass! If one more person tells me how much I love sex with a dirty look on their faces, or if one more person asks me stupid questions about things that were clearly jokes and frivolous, I will lose it! You will get bitch slapped one way or another, by my words or my hand, but you will not get away with it. 
A lot of people have never seen me angry because I try to spare people from that, because when I am angry, it is like a resounding roar of an angry Neanderthal compared to your usual little whimpers, and I don’t want to scare you because it will soon pass and the damage I do with my anger fully expressed usually lasts for life, even though the anger subsides as soon as it came.  Yes, you will hate me after I’ve dealt with you. Also, not many have seen me angry because I am not quick to anger. Not much angers me really, apart from stupidity and manipulation! In this case, the culprit is stupidity! This was a joke, but now it has become a sensitive issue, okay? I have no qualms about retaliating. I’m prepared for the next fool to say dumb crap to me and I’m looking forward to it. The fool though, poor you because you will pay for all the other fools who got away with speaking to me about idiocy!
At first, I thought it was a joke that I am being questioned about these blogs. I laughed it off as silliness, or maybe I thought people must be joking because they couldn’t have taken me seriously, could they? Some didn't of course, and after getting clarity left it alone, but some idiots still get at me about this nonsense.  Maybe stupid people are reading this blog now. *shrug*Maybe my words have more weight than I thought. I’m confounded in the most perplexing way. And, the final straw came to me on Sunday, when a fool spoke and it dawned to me that I need to be silent and not communicate if people are reacting so strangely over nothing! Also, because I am tired of explaining the same shit over and over.
Anyway, no worries. Although I love to have fun, and I love to laugh, although I wish I could be understood the way I intend to be understood, I will not make people feel uncomfortable. These questions are coming as criticism, you see…  As me making a spectacle of myself; people being embarrassed for me, or as concern over me and my state of mind, some of these bastards are even bringing God in the mix, like “this is not very Christian of you…” Errr, excuuuuuse me? Yes, I have had it with Christians saying I am a bad seed, but that has been going on for years and I am used to it now.
So, I will simply not blog when I am in a silly mood. Happy? I wouldn’t want to make you feel discomfort. I guess, I can’t fathom what people find embarrassing in this world. What is embarrassing about speaking about ones imagination? What is embarrassing about giving someone a compliment about their looks? What is embarrassing about sex? *sigh*I wouldn’t be surprised if even he, Sizwe Dhlomo believes I really want to marry him, by the way things are going. The fact is: he is a nice looking guy (WHO I HAVE NEVER MET *Good Lord*), I do think of other planets, galaxies and aliens, and I do think about sex. I am not saying that these things didn’t happen. I am saying that they are not serious things. I imagine myself flying all the time; it doesn’t mean that I believe I can fly. i ain't R Kelly! Whatever! If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. What pisses me off most are those that speak about it amongst themselves for a while, until the brave prick amongst them finally gets the courage to ask, asking not to get an answer, but asking to highlight that they disapprove. Thanks for taking the fun away from my silliness, or you just don't like seeing people enjoy themselves?
I will tweet when I have serious matters to speak of, and I will blog when I have serious things to share. Silly season is over for you! I will retain my silly personality for those close to me, those who understand that silliness and wisdom can come from one individual, and those who don’t take things so gravely! Then, when people who know me say that I am funny, silly, eccentric, animated, outspoken, and when people say that I am laid-back, and don’t take much seriously other than my career; when they tell you that I am always laughing, always smiling, always just taking it easy  – please don’t ask me why you’ve never seen this side of me because I’m always quiet with you. Okay? Instead, ask yourself why you've never seen this side of me. Hint: you're judgmental.
Forgive me, but put yourself in my shoes, for a second, here and tell me if you’d appreciate people asking you questions about 1 day’s blog post over and over for months, and when you tell them the truthful answer to that question, they turn around and claim to know better than you. That is just annoying. I mean, I am a grown ass woman and to have people asking me about extra-terrestrials is not something I can take well. And when I say it is merely my musings, the person says I am lying, that it sounded too realistic and too true to just be something I made up. Wait, a minute, so is it me that believes in aliens from Saturn or you, because you seem to think it is more real than I do at this moment?
I’ve had it! I like messing around, sure, but this doesn’t mean that I like having dense conversations. Just because I have a sense of humor doesn’t mean that I enjoy having hillbilly conversations where I have to speak slowly and repeat myself in order to be understood.
I am not blaming anyone about this. It is my entire fault. Lesson learned! I was stupid and na├»ve enough to actually think that you would like to know the full scope of my personality. I was foolish enough to think that I could say whatever I like and not pay for exercising that freedom. It is not the governments that take our freedom away. It is you, that enforce this tyranny! But, let me warn you, I don’t always feel like talking about philosophical and profound things, even though I think in those terms on an hourly basis. This means that blog posts are going to decrease. It also means that tweets will decrease. And if you bitch about that too, you can go fuck yourself because you obviously don’t know what you want.
Oh, and yes, I am swearing extra hard on this one because some chump recently had the audacity to tell me to speak like a lady. You fucking idiot! I bet you have never heard me cuss, because you don’t know me, because if you have actually heard me speak, you’d be surprised at how little I cuss compared to when I write. I contemplate things in obscenities; I don’t speak in them often, so go fuck yourself for telling me to stop swearing as if your opinion mattered. And, private messaging was recently deactivated on my blog, and now I am not likely to read your messages from Facebook/MySpace unless I know you because you find me there to harass me. Why you can’t comment on the blog, or on the tweet in question, is a mystery. Anyway, I’ve cleaned up my twitter to make sure none of this crap happens again.
Okay, now I go silent. I am going to make music now and forget about y’all. Honestly!
One more thing, the questions I asked in this post are rhetorical. I would hate to limit your personal freedom to respond to them, but I would prefer if you didn’t respond to rhetorical questions, mkay? If you insist on answering, please don’t expect me to be civil if you spew thick hogwash to me, aight? If I even respond! Do, I sound like an asshole in this blog post? Well, I’ve BEEN telling you that I can be an asshole, so if any of this surprises you, it would seem that the only thing I was actually serious about, you took for a joke.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I'm so Demotivated! I Think I Quit!

Dear Reader,

Yeah, I am living in very dreary, dark times since this weekend. All I thought I knew has just been wiped out, wiped off, and it is all gone to hell! Now, I know nothing. I think I am about to sabotage myself... AGAIN, or maybe I am about to do the right thing?. I don't even know what I'm going to do. Imagine how scary it is to not even know what YOU are going to do next, yourself. Based on self-observation I can't even deduce by past actions what I am going to do next because I am erratic. So... SMH. *sigh*.

The truth is that I am afraid. It doesn't happen often. It happens maybe once in two years, but when it does, FUCK ME, it descends like a ton of bricks! Unfortunately, I have to let the fear run its course now since it is already here; since I didn't prevent it from taking over me. I am afraid of failure and success simultaneously. It is a right fucking mess, I tell ya!Yes, right now, I think I should quit the music business because recent events, small things that have become one big, fat, omen have been telling me that this is not going to happen for me in this lifetime. I am not going to make it! I have never contemplated giving up my music career and meant it as I do now, just keep that in mind, so this is big!

I am feeling the strangest feeling ever! I feel like I've lost my mind a little. Maybe I have. Events that occur in my life can be interpreted as a sign to go on, or as a sign to give up. The only thing that could help me interpret the data I have received from recent events would be to know what I desire and stick to it, but since this weekend, (or last week, I don't know) I am not sure what it is that I want because I am getting so much resistance to achieve this and get what I believe I wanted that I am now in doubt about ever wanting it in the first place. If it is good, and if it is meant to be, why is it fighting me? If I am good, if I am worthy of a career in music, why don't things fall into place? Why do I have to be always fighting? I am tired! I am weary! And, today I can't take it!

I literally can't breathe right now, I am so overwhelmed. My first reaction is to curl up into a fetal position and sob.The latter is already underway, so I just need to stop typing and do the curling up thing now! Maybe I need a pity party for a few days.Maybe I am just exhausted and panicked. Maybe I need to sleep. Maybe I need food (I am not eating carbs because I am on a mission to lose weight for a music video). Or, maybe I need to put this music thing behind me because it is either I am not good enough. Or I must just put it behind me because I am not strong enough. Or maybe I must put it behind me because I am not made for it.

Hey, I said on the blurb at the top of this page that this blog is about my journey as a musician. This is it! I get days like these every few years. Before I would write something peppy and motivational to myself after I have cried and beat myself to a pulp about it, but today, I just feel like writing exactly what I am feeling right now. I literally try to make some sort of break through in my career on a daily bases. I never stop searching, trying, asking for help, a chance, some sort of upward movement, and for the past five years, all I have been receiving is one disappointment after another.

I am just pissed that little things keep getting in my way and delaying my shit! I am one of those people who are always on time, who reach their targets, and surpass what's required of them. I am an over-achiever.I guess... Here is the thing... I am about to record the rest of my songs. Or I was about to before today when I am deciding to just quit it all. Thereafter I was to shoot a music video. All is just waiting for me to do. Thereafter I am getting the songs on Internet stores as usual. But... Then what? Then what when that is done? Still, no one wants to book me. No one cares to have me play at their establishments, so Then what???

The country I am from doesn't know or care about my music. Even this blog will mostly be read by Americans, the Middle Eastern, Europeans and Asians. The last time I tried to get a gig at an establishment, they said they didn't know what night to have me perform because my genre was confusing! They said that I was good, but that didn't matter, did it? It doesn't matter how good I might be. (Or, they were lying and I suck and they just said I was good to pacify me.) What mattered was that I had no genre. I waited to hear if they could slot me somewhere. They eventually didn't. Maybe I just don't fit in, but shit I am not changing my music to fit anyone! It comes to me this way, and I shall express it the way it came. I am not a singer who just sings songs. I tell stories through sound to evoke emotions and my music gods don't give it to me in Afro-pop! I get it in this nameless genre I sing it in. So, maybe that's why I won't succeed. I am different and I refuse to change, so I might as well give up now before it is too late to do something else because they won't like get in anyway.My plight is pointless!

Even though I still won't do it, I often ask myself if it would have been easier if I slept with him (him being: the person who could've given me a break, the tons of them who lost interest in me even after they said I was talented; lost interest in me because I wasn't giving up the desired return on investment..I am not saying this is what happened. I am saying that I wonder if this is what happened.

So, now I wonder, if I should cancel it all since life seems to be delaying it anyway and just forget the recordings I am about to do in a few days, which have now become a few weeks due to delays. Should I just go to the kitchen and eat a piece of cake right now because I am going to cancel the music video? What's the point of doing all of this if it is not going to get me anywhere? Because I love it? No! I love making music, and that will never stop. I don't particularly love recording and I especially don't like being in video shoots. I will never stop playing my guitar and creating music, but maybe I should stop making it a career now. I failed. Well, I would have failed if I stop now for sure.

Fuck it! I don't know what I have written, but the point is, I am confused, scared, and I am about to give up being a musician because I am not getting anywhere. Yeah. I don't see the point bending my back backwards, recording songs as if my life depends on it when recording it will be pointless. So, I might as well carry on doing what I used to do, i.e. play my music as a hobby. So, now I gotta go find a job or something!

That is all! I am so depressed by this weekend, July, and just how it all turned out. I truly am done! This is according to how I feel today.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Love, Fear and a stupid Pic!

Irrelevant picture of me and my friends. We looked high! Meheheh!
Dearest Reader,

I am sick of people telling me that they love me when they don't act it. I am a typical woman in many ways, I am sure, but I don't live in la-la-land where I assume that I can read people's minds. I will never assume that you love me, or hate me, if you don't act like it, or if I don't feel it. Excuse my cynicism, but get the fuck outa here! You don't love me and no, I have not been hardened by past heartbreak to not believe love when I see it. I have plenty of love in my life to see it from a distance, so don't try that psycho-babble with me. Really? And, I don't hate you, FFS! Does it mean that I hate everyone I am not romantically involved with, because it would seem that this is your reasoning, if you think that I don't want to be with you because I hate you..

I have had it with people making their problems mine; the problems being: their bad sense of judgment. How is it any of my doing that you chose to do the things you did? And, please, may people cease from saying I am not forgiving just because I won't do what they like. I have forgiven you plenty, but that doesn't mean that I want us to be best chums now. Besides, there was nothing to forgive in the first place. If I incurred any pain, it was due to *ME* allowing it, so really, I have nothing against anyone. I know I have my asshole tendencies, because I have a big mouth, especially toward people who puff themselves up with lies, but other than that, I am a pacifist. I ain't got no beef, so much so that I am literally a vegetarian. Hence, when people come to me, with THEIR feelings of regret, stupidity, and God knows what else they are feeling, and try to pin it on me, I generally get a bit ticked off. So, on that note, let us talk about love and relationships, and the people who abuse them..

Maybe I speak from ignorance or maybe I speak from lack of experience with this phenomenon, but I don't believe in soul-mates, or The One, or Mr. Right, only for the mere fact that there are tons of soul-mates, The Ones and Mr. Rights roaming the earth. Love, although spiritual and ethereal, is quite practical. Love is limitless, so why on earth only would it decide to limit itself? This means that you can't lose love, okay? Remember that, memorize that, but don't forget it because knowing that will make you more relaxed.

Humans are merely catalysts to activate love within YOU, not to give you love. Then, as humans we decide (yes, we choose) what we want to do about the love that has been activated within. Do we feel it on our own from a distance (my favorite method because it has less admin.), do we feel it by having the catalyst in our immediate space and as part of our lives, or do we feel the love activation on our own under duress? Yes, all forms of love, good or painful are unfortunately, OUR CHOICES.

A lot of humans give us the opportunity to activate our heart chakra (fall in love), and it is all nice and good until some idiot decides to be afraid, and ends all things. Yes, the honeymoon period of relationships is merely a time where people aren't afraid to be with each other, or a time when they are not afraid of the consequences of being with each other. Once they start being afraid, thinking about the friggen future, or the past, then Love bows out gracefully because love is too elegant and refined to share the same space as fear. At this stage of a relationship, when fear reigns, people start acting out passively or aggressively. Some go out of the union to find the feeling of love elsewhere and do it "secretly" then get caught (on purpose subconsciously, I am sure), some withdraw and become frigid distant, and some just become really scarce and disappear on perpetual business trips. All this because they weren't able to keep love because they accepted fear instead.

When I speak of fear, what do I speak of? Well, letting fear in, as I said above, is thinking of the future or the past, and not living in the now. If people left the future and the past alone, they would never have messy break-ups, or heartbreak, or all the things which come with "love gone wrong". The fact of the matter is: love can not go wrong, and that love can not be lost. What goes wrong is US humans.Love merely changes "hosts" or catalysts. So, there is no reason to panic about people leaving, or people changing their minds etc. They are allowed to, and if you have any love in you, you would realize that it is great that they leave when they want, or change their minds about you when they do because they are being loving and honest with themselves. They are not avoiding their own truth, hurting themselves through obligations and guilt. So, let them go and wish them a "bon voyage". And that is where it should end, with mournful yet peaceful goodbyes of a good friend leaving, but NO. First they part ways like immature little brats, leaving with a BANG, I suppose, but then, they come back. They come back like a bad rash, and they come with demands too. They return with all sorts of fearful and unhealthy energy. Garbage which I can not take or entertain.

(I never go back because I never leave unless I am sure. I don't play around with my happiness.)

For starters, no one forced you to leave. OR... No one forced you to deny your love for me, OR if you had enough sense to not deny your love for me, no one forced you to do nothing about it. Yea, that's right! No one said that you mustn't get to know me. No one said that you must judge me by my actions, words, body, skin, popularity or lack of, my wealth, my family, my background, or by my depth. Whatever you chose to do about me, you did it YOURSELF. It would be a different story if I was consulted about it and I had input in your decisions but I wasn't.

So, now, weeks, months or years have gone by. I don't know what happened to you during your absence, but you have realized that my actions, my words, my body, my popularity or lack of, my wealth or lack of, my family, my background or my depth are suddenly alright for you now?? Maybe because my body has changed, or my words are now listened to, or my actions are now admired, and because my depth is now accepted by society, or my family is different, or my background has become cool: now you think I am now "worthy"? Do I have stupid written all over my face? OR, worse, once everything ceases to go the way you wanted in your life, you come back knocking on my door, to check if I might make it right? Or.., wait for it... NOW you have everything sorted in your life and you have acquired all you desire, and so you decide to come to me, your last trophy to collect. Is that so? Oh, really? And, claim that you are back here because you love me? Fuck OFF! ...and I say that in the nicest way possible. Sorry, I am just not buying it! And, sadly, I don't care any longer because I don't get attached to humans. I choose to share my life with them and so I have chosen against sharing my life with you since your departure. Unlike you, if I love something, I nurture it. How the heck does one nurture something from afar? You can't!

To nurture something, you need to spend time with it, and grow with it. To nurture something, you need to pour some energy into it, and the last time I checked, I wasn't being nurtured so I am not feeling loved by you, and I am not going to be with someone who loves me less than I love myself. It's not my fault I have a high self-worth. It is true. I nurture myself daily, and choose to have nurturing energy around me. So, anyway,...

When we connected, when we found each other attractive, or when we fell in love, whatever you want to call it, I took it serioualy, as in, I did not deny, resist or avoid it, no matter how much you weren't my type then, no matter how much it shook me, no matter how much it would have been an effort for me to make it work. I know that perspectives change and that people change. I know that external or worldly factors can change in a blink of an eye. It is easy to change one's physical or material world, (or even mentality, hence I've been drawn to assholes who weren't the assholes people said they were, or who didn't act like assholes to me.). What is rare is actually falling in love with someone who is in a position in life where they are willing to try and build a life with you. You can fall in love tons of times, but most times it is with people who are not willing to try to be your companion due to being married, due to being a different sexual orientation (yeah, 'happens all the time) or due to being on death row! There are so many factors that prevent people who are in love with one another to be with each other, things that are out of their hands. So, if you're going to let things that CAN change, like mentality or physicality, get in the way of experiencing love, then you're on your own, mate! Honestly, I can't help you.

If/when I fall in love with you, or if I even desire to spend time with you, regardless of how illogical, nonsensical and odd it is, I will do it. I will let myself be guided by my heart because my heart knows best; my heart guides me in a way that minimizes regret. You see, what if your heart knew that the mate you seek is the one you love, but because *SHE* required a mate who could grow with her, you had to find her in a place where she wasn't fully actualized because this was the only way she could trust you? What if you found her fat or on crutches, so she could say, "He loved me regardless of how I looked?" or what if you found her at her worst so that she could say, "He was there when no one was, and because of that I will forever be loyal, grateful and I shall spend my whole life showing him how much I appreciate him?"

Men! (and women!) You lack so much foresight! I am not saying that you should be with people who you don't have feelings for. I am saying that when there is love, chemistry and feelings, screw everything else. Just do it until you can't do it any more.When love is there, things tend to just work out! When love is there, people blossom and become extraordinary humans. Why do things blossom? They blossom because they are nurtured. All good things require time to become fruitful. People too. If you love someone, just be with them and only stop being with them when you don't love them anymore. Screw everything else, really!

You should be asking why I don't reunite with former loves if I loved them? Well, it is simple! Firstly, it is past tense, and secondly, I don't deal with quitters and I don't deal with people who are neglectful. That is all. I am incredibly attentive (unless I don't care). I listen, remember small details about people, and I make sure that I spread or exchange love, and make others feel wanted and happy. Also, if love is my fuel, I don't care how tough it is, I shall endure and keep on. I won't leave while I still love just because things are tough, or uncomfortable, or strange. Maybe it is due to this that I don't tolerate neglectful people.

And, no. I wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship because I find it hard to love people who hurt me. As a matter of fact, I can't love things or people that are not conducive to a healthy life. This doesn't mean I don't have disagreements. Disagreements are sometimes healthy for clearing out latent issues. What I mean is that I don't respect people who do not nurture me, themselves or us.

I choose to be with people, just as I choose not to be with them. What I can't choose is to love. That is not my jurisdiction. Once the universe has chosen another catalyst (human) to activate my heart chakra (fall in love with) because the former catalyst malfunctioned (became afraid), my hands are tied.

Lastly, I don't believe anyone loves me in a healthy way if I don't love them back. If feelings aren't mutual, it is usually something other than real love. This is not a fact. This is what I believe. Besides, you can feel it when someone loves you, even if they are miles away, even when they are thinking of you while miles away. Therefore I can certainly tell if someone in close proximity is sincere or just mistaken.


This is THEE most personal blog I have ever written. I write about my life, sure, and I do speak about myself, but never in this manner. My soul said I should write this. *LOL* Yes, I blame my insanity on my soul most times. *LMAO!* I had to speak. I was getting tired of this crap happening all the time. Now, I can just refer mofos to this blog. The minute I hear, "Hey, long time no hear..." I will stop them in mid-sentence and I will just give them this link. *LOL* On a serious note: I just hate repetitions.

Longest blog ever too, probably. I guess, whoever reads this will be meant to read it because I am sure that no one will read it after they see how long it it. Good!

Happy Tuesday,
Happy Week 28.
Happy July
Happy Life!!

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Peace and Hair grease!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Keep Or Lose The Pictures?

Dearest Reader,

There is nothing in existence that is intrinsically right or wrong. There is only what IS.

A question was posed on twitter a while ago and it read:
“When one gets into a new relationship, should one get rid of the ex’s photos?”
And my initial response was:
“Yes, but there are cases where it is unnecessary.”
Then, as the tweets came through, someone said,
“Only the nosy, overbearing type of person would answer in the affirmative,”
and I had just answered in the affirmative, which meant that I am nosy and over-bearing. Or am I?

Of course, my ego wanted to jump out to defend and prove myself, to argue that I am most definitely not a nosy and over-bearing person, thank you very much, and then it dawned on me (a) the person could be spot on, or (b) the person could be a tad general with their summation and (c) I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what the person said because I obviously know what I meant by my affirmative answer and that it did NOT necessarily mean that I was nosy and over-bearing.

I have been in relationships where an ex showed me pictures of his ex, including pictures of an exotic trip they had taken together a few months (or was it a month) before we met. There she was on a quad bike, and there she was on the beach, and there she was at his parent’s house with his sisters. I had not asked about his life before me, so to be shown unsolicited pictures raised a few questions, i.e. Why is this relevant to me? Should I care? And, lastly, I wondered if any of this was natural or a big fat clue shouting, “He is still into his ex, doll, so don’t get too comfortable.”. I honestly don’t know even till today why I was shown those pictures. More than anything, it left me perplexed, and it left me questioning his state of mind making me wonder ever so slightly if I made a mistake about him. *SMH* Yes, so much from just pictures!

I think a lot, okay, so I started to put myself in his shoes and see when I would show my current S.O. (Significant Other) pictures of my ex. Then it dawned on me that I would NEVER do such because I just don’t roll like that, as in, I don’t take photos of my lovers. Correction: I don’t take photos of anything unless it is for practical reasons. I am sentimental, but not visually so. I don’t do memorabilia, not yet anyway. As a matter of fact, I am not connected to anything I “own” or to anywhere I have visited, meaning that I can lose everything and I wouldn’t feel any loss. Hence I can’t even use the word “my” when it comes to people and things, because I am not attached to them. Yes, I don’t even have a photo of my family members. Photos of them do exist, I am sure, but I don’t have them. My phone never has pictures of things. Maybe I have issues. I don’t really care. It is just how it is until it is no longer how it is.

So, why would I want a new boyfriend to get rid of pictures of his ex? The answer is that it is practical. Most people break up due to suspicions of foul play than outright foul play. As a loving and caring partner, my mission in life is to make my S.O. feel that they are the most important person in my life. I don’t want picture, phone calls, and anything messing with that. So, if I did keep pictures of people, I would get rid of them, just as I get rid of phone numbers currently; not because there is anything wrong in keeping them, but because I am being “considerate” for the new person that has just entered my life. I’m a good host if I want you to stay in my life. Of course I have had other guys in my life, but my current SHOULD NEVER be reminded of other men in my life until HE CHOOSES to be reminded of it. I don’t volunteer information… or pictures, but if such info is solicited, I would gladly go show and tell him who my ex is and how he looked. Similarly, I wouldn’t like to have my S.O’s ex being shoved down my throat until I am ready. In new relationships, people are still insecure, or where they stand or where they are going so it is important to make that insecurity as little as possible, IF you don’t want the person to leave.. I also don’t want stupid questions coming up in my head about a guy’s ex, and how he feels about another woman, etc. It is just energy wasted. It might not mean anything to my S.O. that he has a portrait of his ex as a mural in his bedroom but to me, it might make me question his motives and his intentions, and trust me, in a union, you don’t want to put yourself in a position where a seed of doubt is sown. If you desire a good foundation in a new relationship, it is counter-productive to have little things that might cause someone to lose faith in you.

Does this make me nosy and over-beating? No! It makes me goal orientated. If you want to be trusted, regardless of how trustworthy you are, you need to behave in a way that is trustworthy. Hey, even if you are not to be trusted, and require being trusted, you need to behave in a way that is trustworthy to be trusted. It is cause and effect. It is just not practical to have things that might make someone you love feel insecure about the union, themselves or about you. It is not practical and it is also hurts the person you love, no matter how ridiculous they might be.

I am not ashamed of the people I have loved, or of the relationships that I have had. I am not pretending that they didn’t happen. I am merely patient, kind, considerate with the person I am with NOW. If you study Proverbs in the bible, the biggest lesson there is discretion, while being truthful. Discretion will keep thee. Even if you don’t have anything to hide, discretion will keep thee. Do you keep the pictures and lose a potential companion, or do you lose the pictures and get a chance at love? Of course, why do you have to choose one over the other? In an ideal world, you don’t choose, but humans have active and dark imaginations. This is a sad truth.


Veronninca Wolpendz

Love | Peace | Power

Friday, July 1, 2011


Commentary, of observations through  music and Hip - Hop
Dearest Reader, 

"Commentary" is the title to one of the earliest songs I have ever recorded. I wrote this song because someone said rapping and rhyming was something I wouldn't be able to do. So, to prove a point, I made this song. I am not a rapper per se, but I can rap I guess as it is proved in this song. You can click on the title of this blog to go it, and download it for free if you like. I will also attach the player below. But, before any more discussions on the song, here are the lyrics, so that you can read along as you bump the song through your earphones:

"Commentary" by Veronnica Wolpendz

Don't ever let karma bite your ass
Treasure every soul - let only pleasure be what has
What is, and what will be
To be or not to be
Should be where liberty will be

Fear of death manifests the fear of life
And the strife of fighting to find the right to be alive
Keeps me participating, instead of spectating
In this crazy game of this crazy life

For every action there's an equal reaction
Inevitable like the attraction of a complement fraction
Make a connection, so you can love your reflection
Not the fluxion of the media's misleading altercations

Innuendos of tomorrow outside my window
Echoes a mess in my head that I won't show
Don't call nobody happy until they die
'Cause we're living a lie, we smile, while inside our soul cries

Every time I look into your eyes I see the same trials
'Cause everybody cries sometimes
Every time i look into your eyes I see the same trials

I'm sick an tired-
Of hearing of some suit, stealing our loot-
Spreading abuse by not choosing the truth
They call it parliament-
I call it a damn zoo, a bunch of animals-
Eating our flesh, they might as well be cannibals

With all out leaders being so irresponsible
The end of poverty, rape and corruption seems impossible
I say we take them to the stake and crucify them
But first we identify 'em, so they can testify and then we fry 'em

Whining about crime while they are wining and dining
Styling and shining while our children are crying
Cheese and wine parties while we fight for cheddar
And er... hunger while they are getting fatter

They world's fantastic and yes, I'm being sarcastic
Drastic measures are taken 'cause we don't have no plastic
They turn a blind eye to all this hunger
We'll spill some red wine for a little bread and butter


If I ever include this song in my future album, it will be re-recorded and tweaked a bit because... Well, because of a lot of things. For starters, my voice was not very good on this song, but now my voice is much better since I no longer smoke (clean for more than 3 years now) and also because I have been practicing singing more since I take singing seriously and my career seriously now than then.

In this song, my distaste and suspicion toward politicians is none too subtle. I hate the fact that the world has resources that could feed double our current population, and how people still starve. I hate it so much. To see pain in people's eyes is something that literally breaks my heart. I can't handle it. 

Another funny thing (not funny ha-ha, but funny "weird") is that I'm just the way I was 4 years ago when I recorded this song, I still don't fear death, I am still very conscious of karma and what I put out into the world and I still see a lot of pain in people's eyes, hiding behind hollow smiles. I see it all the time. The difference now is that I don't lose sleep about it because I have learned that most people who are in pain CHOOSE to be in it. 

Anyway, I was just sharing some music of mine. 


Veronnica Wolpendz
Love | Peace | Power