Yeah, I am living in very dreary, dark times since this weekend. All I thought I knew has just been wiped out, wiped off, and it is all gone to hell! Now, I know nothing. I think I am about to sabotage myself... AGAIN, or maybe I am about to do the right thing?. I don't even know what I'm going to do. Imagine how scary it is to not even know what YOU are going to do next, yourself. Based on self-observation I can't even deduce by past actions what I am going to do next because I am erratic. So... SMH. *sigh*.
The truth is that I am afraid. It doesn't happen often. It happens maybe once in two years, but when it does, FUCK ME, it descends like a ton of bricks! Unfortunately, I have to let the fear run its course now since it is already here; since I didn't prevent it from taking over me. I am afraid of failure and success simultaneously. It is a right fucking mess, I tell ya!Yes, right now, I think I should quit the music business because recent events, small things that have become one big, fat, omen have been telling me that this is not going to happen for me in this lifetime. I am not going to make it! I have never contemplated giving up my music career and meant it as I do now, just keep that in mind, so this is big!
I am feeling the strangest feeling ever! I feel like I've lost my mind a little. Maybe I have. Events that occur in my life can be interpreted as a sign to go on, or as a sign to give up. The only thing that could help me interpret the data I have received from recent events would be to know what I desire and stick to it, but since this weekend, (or last week, I don't know) I am not sure what it is that I want because I am getting so much resistance to achieve this and get what I believe I wanted that I am now in doubt about ever wanting it in the first place. If it is good, and if it is meant to be, why is it fighting me? If I am good, if I am worthy of a career in music, why don't things fall into place? Why do I have to be always fighting? I am tired! I am weary! And, today I can't take it!
I literally can't breathe right now, I am so overwhelmed. My first reaction is to curl up into a fetal position and sob.The latter is already underway, so I just need to stop typing and do the curling up thing now! Maybe I need a pity party for a few days.Maybe I am just exhausted and panicked. Maybe I need to sleep. Maybe I need food (I am not eating carbs because I am on a mission to lose weight for a music video). Or, maybe I need to put this music thing behind me because it is either I am not good enough. Or I must just put it behind me because I am not strong enough. Or maybe I must put it behind me because I am not made for it.
Hey, I said on the blurb at the top of this page that this blog is about my journey as a musician. This is it! I get days like these every few years. Before I would write something peppy and motivational to myself after I have cried and beat myself to a pulp about it, but today, I just feel like writing exactly what I am feeling right now. I literally try to make some sort of break through in my career on a daily bases. I never stop searching, trying, asking for help, a chance, some sort of upward movement, and for the past five years, all I have been receiving is one disappointment after another.
I am just pissed that little things keep getting in my way and delaying my shit! I am one of those people who are always on time, who reach their targets, and surpass what's required of them. I am an over-achiever.I guess... Here is the thing... I am about to record the rest of my songs. Or I was about to before today when I am deciding to just quit it all. Thereafter I was to shoot a music video. All is just waiting for me to do. Thereafter I am getting the songs on Internet stores as usual. But... Then what? Then what when that is done? Still, no one wants to book me. No one cares to have me play at their establishments, so Then what???
The country I am from doesn't know or care about my music. Even this blog will mostly be read by Americans, the Middle Eastern, Europeans and Asians. The last time I tried to get a gig at an establishment, they said they didn't know what night to have me perform because my genre was confusing! They said that I was good, but that didn't matter, did it? It doesn't matter how good I might be. (Or, they were lying and I suck and they just said I was good to pacify me.) What mattered was that I had no genre. I waited to hear if they could slot me somewhere. They eventually didn't. Maybe I just don't fit in, but shit I am not changing my music to fit anyone! It comes to me this way, and I shall express it the way it came. I am not a singer who just sings songs. I tell stories through sound to evoke emotions and my music gods don't give it to me in Afro-pop! I get it in this nameless genre I sing it in. So, maybe that's why I won't succeed. I am different and I refuse to change, so I might as well give up now before it is too late to do something else because they won't like get in anyway.My plight is pointless!
Even though I still won't do it, I often ask myself if it would have been easier if I slept with him (him being: the person who could've given me a break, the tons of them who lost interest in me even after they said I was talented; lost interest in me because I wasn't giving up the desired return on investment..I am not saying this is what happened. I am saying that I wonder if this is what happened.
So, now I wonder, if I should cancel it all since life seems to be delaying it anyway and just forget the recordings I am about to do in a few days, which have now become a few weeks due to delays. Should I just go to the kitchen and eat a piece of cake right now because I am going to cancel the music video? What's the point of doing all of this if it is not going to get me anywhere? Because I love it? No! I love making music, and that will never stop. I don't particularly love recording and I especially don't like being in video shoots. I will never stop playing my guitar and creating music, but maybe I should stop making it a career now. I failed. Well, I would have failed if I stop now for sure.
Fuck it! I don't know what I have written, but the point is, I am confused, scared, and I am about to give up being a musician because I am not getting anywhere. Yeah. I don't see the point bending my back backwards, recording songs as if my life depends on it when recording it will be pointless. So, I might as well carry on doing what I used to do, i.e. play my music as a hobby. So, now I gotta go find a job or something!
That is all! I am so depressed by this weekend, July, and just how it all turned out. I truly am done! This is according to how I feel today.