Wednesday, June 25, 2014

When you're sitting there...

...please realise that I am not bound by the rules and laws of man; of fear, shame, guilt, obligation, or whatever else you bow down to. It is only real laws that I can not break, those that I obey by design, those that govern my totality. 

So, when you're sitting there, judging, musing, wondering, trying to fathom the machinations of my world, remember, I am a different type of slave. 

I'm the type of slave that knows that she is a slave. 

Who is my Master?

My mind, my desires, and my capabilities are my masters. The operative word is: "MY!" 

Inana governs Inana

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Nuva Ring: My Experience With It So Far...


Current Mood
Have you ever fainted before? Or have you ever not eaten for a long time? Do you know that feeling of nausea, headache, weakness, light-headedness and barely being able to walk, having people rush to you with sugar water, type of feeling? Add cramps to the equation. Yes, mind-numbing cramps as if you're on the worst day of your period. Well, imagine that feeling happening every single day, every single hour, every single minute, for 28 days. That's been my reality. The only thing I can do without effort is pray for God to take me now! Oh, and swear! Yes, I have been cursing like a sailor, just to get by, and don't mention it because I will swear at you. :)

Within the first week, I was ready to take it out (NuvaRing), and die another way, because it seemed like using the ring to prevent me from dying of anemia was just not worth the effort, because I would rather die the anemia way, than die from writhing from pain and nausea. Thank you! I was speaking to the gynecologist on email almost daily, going to her offices every two days, because I live at a walking distance from her offices at Sandton Medi-Clinic, so I used my visits to her as exercise and a way to let off steam. She is the best gynecologist in town, Dr Moodley, so her visits aren't cheap either. She only takes cash, and you claim from the medical aid yourself.
Current Mood

Side note: The medical aid is messing with me. I want my money!!! I have sent all my cash payments to them, and they have not paid me. Lord, why???

Okay, moving on...

Basically, she said, what I knew, and that is, the first three months are not fun, especially to a person like me who is averse to birth control, generally. So, I remember her looking at me, appealing to my sensibilities and saying that I give it three months. I remember looking at her thinking, "This lady thinks I am sensible right now?" because in the greater scheme of things, 3 months is not a long time, but Lord, it is an eternity when you're nauseous!

Mind you, I am not having bed rest during this time, even though I do try. No, life is going on as usual, and bills need to be paid, mama's gotta eat, and the show must go on. So, everywhere I go, I am a facade of tranquility and joy. Inside, I am crying, "God, if you could just take me now, I would really appreciate it."

But, alas, I am not a stranger to pressure, so somehow, I managed to have things to laugh about during these last 28 days. And, why are nausea pills so expensive?  This pill is called Zofran, and it has helped me have some moments of having no nausea, but damn! At 50 bucks a pill? Twice a day? No, no, no... But, what can I do? What can I do when no one will get me marijuana? What am I to do when I do manage to get the number of a dealer and he says he's too busy to deliver the grass? Yes, that actually happened, and it became abundantly clear that the Universe doesn't want me taking weed. When a dealer doesn't give a damn about paper, you know that the universe is conspiring against you.
Current Mood

Other medications I am paying for are for the cramps, Myprodol, Buscopan, Adcodol, 2 each, every morning, every midday and every night. No, I am not in any way shape or form high from these pills, unfortunately. I have been dealing with strong painkillers since I was a young one, so these wonderful pills that take people to cloud nine do absolutely nothing for me, except for taking the pain away. Basically, they do what they are meant to do, not get me high! Again, the universe conspiring against me being high! Why? Ugh!

The problem now is, I have never taken painkillers so much. Before, I would take them during my period, and be without for three weeks until my next period, but since the Nuva Ring, I'm popping pills like candy. They have codeine, so if I am not already addicted to it, I am going to be. Great. Just great! Addiction is just what I need right now, what with life being so trouble free, and all. *rolls eyes*

Another expensive pill I am taking is called Nexium, because with all this ibuprofen my epigastric system is a hot mess. I literally drink bicarbonate of soda, every day too now. Half a teaspoon in 250mls of water, just to get the acidity down. The moral of the story is that the NuvaRing has ruined my life. I had to laugh at such melodrama, but it is true.

Oh, I have not gained weight on the NuvaRing. Maybe it is because I am actually conscious of that side effect and keeping an eye on things, I don't know, nor do I care, really. I also think that I have not lost weight either, so...
Universe's Current Mood

My single release has been pushed back, or is likely to be pushed back, but guess what? It had nothing to do with my troubles, so I am quite chuffed. It was due to other factors that had nothing to do with me, and why am I happy about this? Well, because I knew it. I am an astrologer, and I know things. I knew last year that I would release my single in August, or that August will be the time when it will be better received. Another reason I am relieved is because it gives me time to get through the worst of these NuvaRing side effects, meaning that I may actually also enjoy one of the most important milestones in my life.

Then, by September, I will be fit enough, or better than now, to celebrate my birthday in Europe, and have the will to celebrate. There is nothing as useless as something worth celebrating being uncelebrated because you are feeling like shit.

Oh, I might die of a blood clot, due to the Nuva Ring. Fortunately, whenever I hear the word "blood-clot" all I can do is think of my Jamaican brothers and sisters overseas and howl with laughter, so I don't actually care. Seriously, I never care about dying. The Lord can take me anytime. I am ready. So, bloodclot, schmlut-clot. *shrugs* I can not be arsed.

God, I am taking so much codeine. It just dawned on me. Next, it's morphine. Next, I am an addict, shooting drugs on my feet to hide track marks! I don't like being addicted, hey. I like being in control. So, this codeine had better not be a gateway drug.

Anyway, let me go make myself some eggs. I have to eat lots of protein, according to Dr Moodley, so I am eating eggs like they are running out. And, I don't like eggs. Vegetarian (almost vegan), I detest eggs. But, hey, we're doing this to have a healthy body so that I can mother a child well, and not die of anemia.
My Mood: Ribery. Universe's Mood: Guy in Yellow. 

Okay, later. I will put pictures later, if I feel like it. I have readings to do, scripts to read, songs to write and hopefully more reality, tv VH1 juicy stuff, to watch.


Monday, June 2, 2014

Oh, One More Thing...

... For someone who doesn't ingest many calories, I have often wondered why I am so... voluptuous all of a sudden. It happened overnight, but in 3 stages over a few years. In 2008, I gained. Then I plateaued, and couldn't take the weight off no matter how much I tried. In 2012, I gained weight again, and plateaued, couldn't lose it still. Then, in 2014, I gained more weight, and I think I am gaining and losing it alternating between weeks. From B Cup breasts (2008), I went to C (2011) and now I am firmly at DD (2013), wondering what the heck is happening to my body. With each growth sprout, my hips became wider too. I thought it was aging, but no, it was hormones, caused by my uterus as discussed in the previous blog post. Don't mention the pimples. Just don't mention them.

I eat so well, that I don't even have an inkling of bad cholesterol, or anything that may be caused by an unhealthy lifestyle because I do my yoga too. That's a bummer. I should have just been unhealthy, then maybe I could understand better why all of this is happening. In fact, stop what you're doing, go have whatever you want, because you will get sick anyway.

Well, I got my test results back last week, and I have insulin resistance. No one knows what causes it, especially in a case of someone like me who watches what they eat, but it is linked to women with reproductive problems like me. Also, it is a forewarning for Type 2 diabetes, heart disease and other things which when I was reading about them, had my head spinning.

Question: What does this mean, other than that my life is fucked?

Answer: It means that above all the other crap I am going through, I have to be chubby through it, until my body eases back to its normal state, or get type 2 diabetes, get obese and die.

Solution: Fortunately, there is a solution. I need to up my protein intake, decrease my carbs, keep on being relatively active, and with the NuvaRing, I should be balancing my hormones and seeing some recognisable changes in three months or so.

In the meantime: I have to deal with migraines, nausea, cramps, hot flashes, fatigue, lack of patience with the human race as they think I have time to deal with their issues while I have my own to deal with, and... drink pills that alleviate the above mentioned symptoms.

During this time, the worst time of the beginning of my road to wellness, I am gearing up to release my 1st single. I will write a separate blog for that. But, can you imagine feeling the way I feel and having to have studio sessions, photoshoots, meetings, music lessons, learning lines, and being positive? I bet you can not unless you have been through it because there is nothing positive when you have a continuous migraine for days (12 days so far), coupled with constant nausea. I wake up feeling sick, I go to sleep feeling sick. It just doesn't stop.


Now, I have to go buy eggs... I seldom eat eggs, because my diet is almost vegan, but if I need to increase protein levels, it is the only protein I think packs proper punch because eating legumes daily has not been successful. So, I need to turn it up a notch.

Anyway, that's all.

May no one ever tell me that my life is easy. Through it all, I pick myself up every morning and act like I am the healthiest person on earth, never complaining (okay, I complain a little), but I get my ish done, and keep it moving.

Okay, later y'all.