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Friday, November 26, 2010

Sad, Disappoined, Pissed... All of it!

tears

Dear Reader,

I wish I had something to update to you on a daily basis but I am not that busy. Actually, without sounding too negative, I wish I had something to update to you on a monthly basis, but I am not that busy. I was planning on waiting until I have something good to report, but I think the year is going to close without good news. Yes, I sound a little defeated but this is a temporary state of being. When I wake up, I would have put this whole thing behind me and working on the future.

Okay, now you must be wondering what is going on because I have set it up quite well. It is painful for me to admit this. It really is. So, for the last few weeks I have merely been in denial about the reality of the situation, hoping that some miracle may appear to just fix everything, but I can’t dwell on something for that long, especially if it is denial of the truth.

I won’t be naming names to avoid defamation or libel, but I will just speak the truth. The manager that I was raving about a few weeks ago, the great old friend that had believed in me and my music, and the person who was going to work with me at going a step further, well… he has left me on the lurch and just disappeared. Actually, this sounds like a joke, and I am laughing as I write this because I am starting to realize what real bullshit this situation is. Yeah, he has gone AWOL and has vanished without a trace.

Anyway, I don’t know if he is dead or alive. His phone rings which suggests the latter, but he doesn’t pick up. (LOL) And all the while I have been sitting here, half afraid and half depressed waiting for him to call and tell me what’s next because HE IS MY MANAGER. I think I have waited long enough. I have been stood up and it is about damn time that I come to terms with it and move to the next person. I am at a loss for words actually. I am at a total loss. It’s the reason why I have not tweeted much or written a blog because I am speechless.

So, once again, I need a manager. I thought the search was over. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I have lost a lover or something. I mean, I have probably lost a friend, right? What really makes me angry is that THIS IS MY LIFE!!! This is not a game! This is my life and for someone to take something I take so seriously and treat it so carelessly… it fuckin’ messes with me. So much time was wasted. So many good opportunities wasted because I thought someone had my back. Well, lesson learned. No one has my back. Now I know this. It is me, myself and I. I mean, life keeps telling me this but I refuse to listen. I always trust, accept, have faith in people and what do they do? They screw me over.

So… I’m just so disappointed, but as you know, I can only write about something when I am ready to let go of it. So, it means that, I am letting go of this today. That’s good. I guess. I’m actually tearing up writing this. There is so much frustration inside of me caused by this situation. This means that my plans have moved back yet again. By how many months, I don’t know. Maybe they have been moved back indefinitely, but I can’t afford to be negative. I can’t. I haven’t even played the guitar in 3 weeks, that’s how out of sorts I am. I’m ready to pick up my guitar again. I am ready to be me again because while waiting for him to show up, I have been a shadow of myself.

I don’t know if any of this is even written well. I don’t know if there are any typos because I am not going to edit this. I am moving forward and I am getting back on the proverbial horse. I am so sick and tired though of feeling this feeling, but I guess, I keep on experiencing these scenarios to learn some lesson that I fail to see. I don’t even want to contemplate the possibility that The Universe is telling me to give up music. It can’t be telling me that. I refuse. So, I am going to stop typing now, maybe have a little cry (LOL) and then think about where to go next. As of now, I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that I am a strong woman with a clear vision and dream – and that I am not giving up for anyone or anything. I will make my dreams come true or die trying. And even if people take me a few steps back, I will NOT give up. Everything happens for a reason and this too shall pass.

Anyway, I have said what I have to say. I am going to sleep now and wait for the new day. Besides, I am going to watch Harry Potter tomorrow, and that should cheer me right up.

Thank you for reading and thank you for walking along with me along this tumultuous journey of mine. Today when I say that I love you to you who has read this blog, I mean it more than ever because if it wasn’t for this blog (and my mother), I would feel totally alone and shattered. Instead I feel that I have no time to be moping because I have music for you guys to listen to.

Have a lovely Weekend

Veronnica Wolpendz LOVES you!!!!