|Irrelevant picture of me and my friends. We looked high! Meheheh!|
I am sick of people telling me that they love me when they don't act it. I am a typical woman in many ways, I am sure, but I don't live in la-la-land where I assume that I can read people's minds. I will never assume that you love me, or hate me, if you don't act like it, or if I don't feel it. Excuse my cynicism, but get the fuck outa here! You don't love me and no, I have not been hardened by past heartbreak to not believe love when I see it. I have plenty of love in my life to see it from a distance, so don't try that psycho-babble with me. Really? And, I don't hate you, FFS! Does it mean that I hate everyone I am not romantically involved with, because it would seem that this is your reasoning, if you think that I don't want to be with you because I hate you..
I have had it with people making their problems mine; the problems being: their bad sense of judgment. How is it any of my doing that you chose to do the things you did? And, please, may people cease from saying I am not forgiving just because I won't do what they like. I have forgiven you plenty, but that doesn't mean that I want us to be best chums now. Besides, there was nothing to forgive in the first place. If I incurred any pain, it was due to *ME* allowing it, so really, I have nothing against anyone. I know I have my asshole tendencies, because I have a big mouth, especially toward people who puff themselves up with lies, but other than that, I am a pacifist. I ain't got no beef, so much so that I am literally a vegetarian. Hence, when people come to me, with THEIR feelings of regret, stupidity, and God knows what else they are feeling, and try to pin it on me, I generally get a bit ticked off. So, on that note, let us talk about love and relationships, and the people who abuse them..
Maybe I speak from ignorance or maybe I speak from lack of experience with this phenomenon, but I don't believe in soul-mates, or The One, or Mr. Right, only for the mere fact that there are tons of soul-mates, The Ones and Mr. Rights roaming the earth. Love, although spiritual and ethereal, is quite practical. Love is limitless, so why on earth only would it decide to limit itself? This means that you can't lose love, okay? Remember that, memorize that, but don't forget it because knowing that will make you more relaxed.
Humans are merely catalysts to activate love within YOU, not to give you love. Then, as humans we decide (yes, we choose) what we want to do about the love that has been activated within. Do we feel it on our own from a distance (my favorite method because it has less admin.), do we feel it by having the catalyst in our immediate space and as part of our lives, or do we feel the love activation on our own under duress? Yes, all forms of love, good or painful are unfortunately, OUR CHOICES.
A lot of humans give us the opportunity to activate our heart chakra (fall in love), and it is all nice and good until some idiot decides to be afraid, and ends all things. Yes, the honeymoon period of relationships is merely a time where people aren't afraid to be with each other, or a time when they are not afraid of the consequences of being with each other. Once they start being afraid, thinking about the friggen future, or the past, then Love bows out gracefully because love is too elegant and refined to share the same space as fear. At this stage of a relationship, when fear reigns, people start acting out passively or aggressively. Some go out of the union to find the feeling of love elsewhere and do it "secretly" then get caught (on purpose subconsciously, I am sure), some withdraw and become frigid distant, and some just become really scarce and disappear on perpetual business trips. All this because they weren't able to keep love because they accepted fear instead.
When I speak of fear, what do I speak of? Well, letting fear in, as I said above, is thinking of the future or the past, and not living in the now. If people left the future and the past alone, they would never have messy break-ups, or heartbreak, or all the things which come with "love gone wrong". The fact of the matter is: love can not go wrong, and that love can not be lost. What goes wrong is US humans.Love merely changes "hosts" or catalysts. So, there is no reason to panic about people leaving, or people changing their minds etc. They are allowed to, and if you have any love in you, you would realize that it is great that they leave when they want, or change their minds about you when they do because they are being loving and honest with themselves. They are not avoiding their own truth, hurting themselves through obligations and guilt. So, let them go and wish them a "bon voyage". And that is where it should end, with mournful yet peaceful goodbyes of a good friend leaving, but NO. First they part ways like immature little brats, leaving with a BANG, I suppose, but then, they come back. They come back like a bad rash, and they come with demands too. They return with all sorts of fearful and unhealthy energy. Garbage which I can not take or entertain.
(I never go back because I never leave unless I am sure. I don't play around with my happiness.)
For starters, no one forced you to leave. OR... No one forced you to deny your love for me, OR if you had enough sense to not deny your love for me, no one forced you to do nothing about it. Yea, that's right! No one said that you mustn't get to know me. No one said that you must judge me by my actions, words, body, skin, popularity or lack of, my wealth, my family, my background, or by my depth. Whatever you chose to do about me, you did it YOURSELF. It would be a different story if I was consulted about it and I had input in your decisions but I wasn't.
So, now, weeks, months or years have gone by. I don't know what happened to you during your absence, but you have realized that my actions, my words, my body, my popularity or lack of, my wealth or lack of, my family, my background or my depth are suddenly alright for you now?? Maybe because my body has changed, or my words are now listened to, or my actions are now admired, and because my depth is now accepted by society, or my family is different, or my background has become cool: now you think I am now "worthy"? Do I have stupid written all over my face? OR, worse, once everything ceases to go the way you wanted in your life, you come back knocking on my door, to check if I might make it right? Or.., wait for it... NOW you have everything sorted in your life and you have acquired all you desire, and so you decide to come to me, your last trophy to collect. Is that so? Oh, really? And, claim that you are back here because you love me? Fuck OFF! ...and I say that in the nicest way possible. Sorry, I am just not buying it! And, sadly, I don't care any longer because I don't get attached to humans. I choose to share my life with them and so I have chosen against sharing my life with you since your departure. Unlike you, if I love something, I nurture it. How the heck does one nurture something from afar? You can't!
To nurture something, you need to spend time with it, and grow with it. To nurture something, you need to pour some energy into it, and the last time I checked, I wasn't being nurtured so I am not feeling loved by you, and I am not going to be with someone who loves me less than I love myself. It's not my fault I have a high self-worth. It is true. I nurture myself daily, and choose to have nurturing energy around me. So, anyway,...
When we connected, when we found each other attractive, or when we fell in love, whatever you want to call it, I took it serioualy, as in, I did not deny, resist or avoid it, no matter how much you weren't my type then, no matter how much it shook me, no matter how much it would have been an effort for me to make it work. I know that perspectives change and that people change. I know that external or worldly factors can change in a blink of an eye. It is easy to change one's physical or material world, (or even mentality, hence I've been drawn to assholes who weren't the assholes people said they were, or who didn't act like assholes to me.). What is rare is actually falling in love with someone who is in a position in life where they are willing to try and build a life with you. You can fall in love tons of times, but most times it is with people who are not willing to try to be your companion due to being married, due to being a different sexual orientation (yeah, 'happens all the time) or due to being on death row! There are so many factors that prevent people who are in love with one another to be with each other, things that are out of their hands. So, if you're going to let things that CAN change, like mentality or physicality, get in the way of experiencing love, then you're on your own, mate! Honestly, I can't help you.
If/when I fall in love with you, or if I even desire to spend time with you, regardless of how illogical, nonsensical and odd it is, I will do it. I will let myself be guided by my heart because my heart knows best; my heart guides me in a way that minimizes regret. You see, what if your heart knew that the mate you seek is the one you love, but because *SHE* required a mate who could grow with her, you had to find her in a place where she wasn't fully actualized because this was the only way she could trust you? What if you found her fat or on crutches, so she could say, "He loved me regardless of how I looked?" or what if you found her at her worst so that she could say, "He was there when no one was, and because of that I will forever be loyal, grateful and I shall spend my whole life showing him how much I appreciate him?"
Men! (and women!) You lack so much foresight! I am not saying that you should be with people who you don't have feelings for. I am saying that when there is love, chemistry and feelings, screw everything else. Just do it until you can't do it any more.When love is there, things tend to just work out! When love is there, people blossom and become extraordinary humans. Why do things blossom? They blossom because they are nurtured. All good things require time to become fruitful. People too. If you love someone, just be with them and only stop being with them when you don't love them anymore. Screw everything else, really!
You should be asking why I don't reunite with former loves if I loved them? Well, it is simple! Firstly, it is past tense, and secondly, I don't deal with quitters and I don't deal with people who are neglectful. That is all. I am incredibly attentive (unless I don't care). I listen, remember small details about people, and I make sure that I spread or exchange love, and make others feel wanted and happy. Also, if love is my fuel, I don't care how tough it is, I shall endure and keep on. I won't leave while I still love just because things are tough, or uncomfortable, or strange. Maybe it is due to this that I don't tolerate neglectful people.
And, no. I wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship because I find it hard to love people who hurt me. As a matter of fact, I can't love things or people that are not conducive to a healthy life. This doesn't mean I don't have disagreements. Disagreements are sometimes healthy for clearing out latent issues. What I mean is that I don't respect people who do not nurture me, themselves or us.
I choose to be with people, just as I choose not to be with them. What I can't choose is to love. That is not my jurisdiction. Once the universe has chosen another catalyst (human) to activate my heart chakra (fall in love with) because the former catalyst malfunctioned (became afraid), my hands are tied.
Lastly, I don't believe anyone loves me in a healthy way if I don't love them back. If feelings aren't mutual, it is usually something other than real love. This is not a fact. This is what I believe. Besides, you can feel it when someone loves you, even if they are miles away, even when they are thinking of you while miles away. Therefore I can certainly tell if someone in close proximity is sincere or just mistaken.
This is THEE most personal blog I have ever written. I write about my life, sure, and I do speak about myself, but never in this manner. My soul said I should write this. *LOL* Yes, I blame my insanity on my soul most times. *LMAO!* I had to speak. I was getting tired of this crap happening all the time. Now, I can just refer mofos to this blog. The minute I hear, "Hey, long time no hear..." I will stop them in mid-sentence and I will just give them this link. *LOL* On a serious note: I just hate repetitions.
Longest blog ever too, probably. I guess, whoever reads this will be meant to read it because I am sure that no one will read it after they see how long it it. Good!
Happy Week 28.
Love, Peace and Hair grease!