Silence is Golden
*Blog post written Tuesday, 26th July2011.*
A lot of things have been frustrating me lately, one of which is speaking. So, I have decided to shut up. Speaking has reaped results which I find undesirable. I am now paying for my sins, and I have a feeling that this very post will make me pay some more, but so be it! I am an anarchist at heart, so let it rip!
I know, if you have just recently started reading my blog, and when I say recently, I mean this year, or if you have just recently been exposed to me on twitter, or on Facebook, or wherever, you would think I talk a whole lot, huh? Well, that’s half true. I speak a lot when I am really comfortable or really nervous, otherwise I am silent, or I speak when I have something substantial to say. Lately, I’ve just been really comfortable, so much so that I thought I would let you guys know the other side of my personality, the not so serious, not so brooding, not so profound, not so wise, not so preachy side of my personality, because my desire is to be known as who I AM and I can’t do that if I don’t share who I am, can I?.
It would seem, though, that my desires and yours are at odds. So, I am going to keep quiet now because I hate explaining myself about unintelligent, meaningless shit!
For starters, is this Sizwe Dhlomo the only guy I have ever spoken about in this manner or it is just that you people decided to just not use any sort of perspective and just latch on whatever it is that made it possible for you to make my life difficult? I don’t remember getting this shit when I wrote that blog about Leonardo Di Caprio being my lover. In fact, when I wrote that one, it was taken the way it was meant to be taken and we laughed together and moved on. Maybe it is because the South Africans that are reading my blog assume that if I speak about Leo Di Caprio it is a joke, but when I speak about Sizwe Dhlomo, it isn’t? Is that it? I didn’t get this shit for joking around about Trey Songz who, for your information, you ignorant little twats, ranks the same in the hot-o-meter as Sizwe Dhlomo, but Trey Songz was last year, I treated Trey the same way as Sizwe Dhlomo, but did I get this rubbish? No! Also, I tweeted dear sexy Trey all the time and no one had issues with it, so why this guy?
Secondly, is my talk about the afterlife, about Sci-fi principles such as teleportation, about reincarnation and about the soul a new thing for me to discuss, or y’all just have a tight wad in your pants making you less able to see humor when it hits you? Just because I speak of teleportation doesn’t mean I can bloody teleport. I mean… REALLY? Are you guys fucking kidding me? No, I have not spoken to aliens as far as I am concerned. Forgive me for loving Science Fiction, and I am sorry for having an imagination! Jesus! What is up with you people? You people have got to chill! And, please don’t come to me now being offended about you concluding that I don’t believe in aliens, okay? I have not experienced aliens. That’s a fact. If you have been having rendezvous with galactic beings, good for you. If I like science fiction, and if my musings usually have galactic, and lost civilization themes to them, how does that translate to me having an audience with aliens? Huh? How does writing a blog about imagining a scenario about my afterlife translate to me being an interplanetary traveler in this current incarnation? You guys are idiots. I’m not being nice, but you guys asked for it! And trust me, I am holding myself back.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is talking about sex taboo? Am I neutered? Am I not a sexual being? When did speaking about sex make me a sex fiend? And, the last time I checked, I didn’t even speak about it in a perverse way. So, where did this thing of making me sound like a sexual deviant happen? Okay, my mind is often in the gutter, but not in a disgusting way, okay. Just because I am not ashamed of being a sexual being doesn’t mean I want to have sex with anything that moves, alright? And, is talking about relationships something strange for you? Does occasionally talking about relationships mean that I am having them left, right and center? Even when I write that I am often a lone wolf, you think I am lying about that because if you’re single you’re supposed to be bitter about men, love and sex, right? You can’t be single and happy, no! And, please, shut it with that, “How can a pretty girl like you be single” and not be a village harlot, bull, you mean? What's your fucking point?
Also, if you’re speaking about sex, it means you’re a sex addict and therefore I must be buying gigolos to pounce on. I can’t JUST talk about anything without actually doing it, eh? Or, I am supposed to write about how disgruntled I am about sex, not how wonderful sex is, because it can’t be wonderful if I am not doing it? What is wrong with you people’s abilities to reason logically? A woman can’t talk about sex and have it be normal and healthy. That’s for men. Men are hot-blooded! So, they can talk about sex. When a woman speaks about sex, she must be a tramp, a whore, or a nymphomaniac. Right? Women are supposed to be silent about sexuality because we have these things between our legs but we don’t know what they are for, right? Sorry, I missed the memo!
What is the issue here? Am I shattering your expectations of who I am to you by discussing these things, by being silly, sexual, and imaginative and twisted; by being myself? I don’t know if the people bitching and moaning, judging and questioning, feeling embarrassed and offended about my subject matter this year, are people who have been reading my blog for long. My blog began in 2007, on MySpace. Then in 2008, I deleted all the things I had written in 2007 for reasons I’ll not divulge. Then in 2009 or 2010 I migrated to blogspot. During all this time, I have written about anything and everything. I have written about my silly celebrity crushes which mean fuckall, I have written about sex but never in a humorous way, I admit. Yeah, the difference between then and this year is that I have been writing these blogs the way I usually speak, the way I AM often, the way I often think, and I guess you aren’t happy with that, eh? You would rather I sound like some superhuman guru all the time, teaching you and sharing things that have been revealed to me, but only if it doesn’t make me seem human, right? Because wisdom can’t come from a human, right? It must come from deity or a guru? I must just be Nefertiti incarnate all the time, right? Forget about the fact that I am still in my 20s and practically a child?
Now, listen carefully and this isn’t a joke…
If I hear another person ask me if I believe in aliens, I am going to blow a gasket. I swear on your mother I will fuck you up! If I hear another person question me about Sizwe Dhlomo and my feelings for him, I am going to lose it, even if you are joking with me after reading this, I will still lose it! I’m going to bring out the Shaka Zulu that courses through my veins and discipline your ass! If one more person tells me how much I love sex with a dirty look on their faces, or if one more person asks me stupid questions about things that were clearly jokes and frivolous, I will lose it! You will get bitch slapped one way or another, by my words or my hand, but you will not get away with it.
A lot of people have never seen me angry because I try to spare people from that, because when I am angry, it is like a resounding roar of an angry Neanderthal compared to your usual little whimpers, and I don’t want to scare you because it will soon pass and the damage I do with my anger fully expressed usually lasts for life, even though the anger subsides as soon as it came. Yes, you will hate me after I’ve dealt with you. Also, not many have seen me angry because I am not quick to anger. Not much angers me really, apart from stupidity and manipulation! In this case, the culprit is stupidity! This was a joke, but now it has become a sensitive issue, okay? I have no qualms about retaliating. I’m prepared for the next fool to say dumb crap to me and I’m looking forward to it. The fool though, poor you because you will pay for all the other fools who got away with speaking to me about idiocy!
At first, I thought it was a joke that I am being questioned about these blogs. I laughed it off as silliness, or maybe I thought people must be joking because they couldn’t have taken me seriously, could they? Some didn't of course, and after getting clarity left it alone, but some idiots still get at me about this nonsense. Maybe stupid people are reading this blog now. *shrug*Maybe my words have more weight than I thought. I’m confounded in the most perplexing way. And, the final straw came to me on Sunday, when a fool spoke and it dawned to me that I need to be silent and not communicate if people are reacting so strangely over nothing! Also, because I am tired of explaining the same shit over and over.
Anyway, no worries. Although I love to have fun, and I love to laugh, although I wish I could be understood the way I intend to be understood, I will not make people feel uncomfortable. These questions are coming as criticism, you see… As me making a spectacle of myself; people being embarrassed for me, or as concern over me and my state of mind, some of these bastards are even bringing God in the mix, like “this is not very Christian of you…” Errr, excuuuuuse me? Yes, I have had it with Christians saying I am a bad seed, but that has been going on for years and I am used to it now.
So, I will simply not blog when I am in a silly mood. Happy? I wouldn’t want to make you feel discomfort. I guess, I can’t fathom what people find embarrassing in this world. What is embarrassing about speaking about ones imagination? What is embarrassing about giving someone a compliment about their looks? What is embarrassing about sex? *sigh*I wouldn’t be surprised if even he, Sizwe Dhlomo believes I really want to marry him, by the way things are going. The fact is: he is a nice looking guy (WHO I HAVE NEVER MET *Good Lord*), I do think of other planets, galaxies and aliens, and I do think about sex. I am not saying that these things didn’t happen. I am saying that they are not serious things. I imagine myself flying all the time; it doesn’t mean that I believe I can fly. i ain't R Kelly! Whatever! If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. What pisses me off most are those that speak about it amongst themselves for a while, until the brave prick amongst them finally gets the courage to ask, asking not to get an answer, but asking to highlight that they disapprove. Thanks for taking the fun away from my silliness, or you just don't like seeing people enjoy themselves?
I will tweet when I have serious matters to speak of, and I will blog when I have serious things to share. Silly season is over for you! I will retain my silly personality for those close to me, those who understand that silliness and wisdom can come from one individual, and those who don’t take things so gravely! Then, when people who know me say that I am funny, silly, eccentric, animated, outspoken, and when people say that I am laid-back, and don’t take much seriously other than my career; when they tell you that I am always laughing, always smiling, always just taking it easy – please don’t ask me why you’ve never seen this side of me because I’m always quiet with you. Okay? Instead, ask yourself why you've never seen this side of me. Hint: you're judgmental.
Forgive me, but put yourself in my shoes, for a second, here and tell me if you’d appreciate people asking you questions about 1 day’s blog post over and over for months, and when you tell them the truthful answer to that question, they turn around and claim to know better than you. That is just annoying. I mean, I am a grown ass woman and to have people asking me about extra-terrestrials is not something I can take well. And when I say it is merely my musings, the person says I am lying, that it sounded too realistic and too true to just be something I made up. Wait, a minute, so is it me that believes in aliens from Saturn or you, because you seem to think it is more real than I do at this moment?
I’ve had it! I like messing around, sure, but this doesn’t mean that I like having dense conversations. Just because I have a sense of humor doesn’t mean that I enjoy having hillbilly conversations where I have to speak slowly and repeat myself in order to be understood.
I am not blaming anyone about this. It is my entire fault. Lesson learned! I was stupid and naïve enough to actually think that you would like to know the full scope of my personality. I was foolish enough to think that I could say whatever I like and not pay for exercising that freedom. It is not the governments that take our freedom away. It is you, that enforce this tyranny! But, let me warn you, I don’t always feel like talking about philosophical and profound things, even though I think in those terms on an hourly basis. This means that blog posts are going to decrease. It also means that tweets will decrease. And if you bitch about that too, you can go fuck yourself because you obviously don’t know what you want.
Oh, and yes, I am swearing extra hard on this one because some chump recently had the audacity to tell me to speak like a lady. You fucking idiot! I bet you have never heard me cuss, because you don’t know me, because if you have actually heard me speak, you’d be surprised at how little I cuss compared to when I write. I contemplate things in obscenities; I don’t speak in them often, so go fuck yourself for telling me to stop swearing as if your opinion mattered. And, private messaging was recently deactivated on my blog, and now I am not likely to read your messages from Facebook/MySpace unless I know you because you find me there to harass me. Why you can’t comment on the blog, or on the tweet in question, is a mystery. Anyway, I’ve cleaned up my twitter to make sure none of this crap happens again.
Okay, now I go silent. I am going to make music now and forget about y’all. Honestly!
One more thing, the questions I asked in this post are rhetorical. I would hate to limit your personal freedom to respond to them, but I would prefer if you didn’t respond to rhetorical questions, mkay? If you insist on answering, please don’t expect me to be civil if you spew thick hogwash to me, aight? If I even respond! Do, I sound like an asshole in this blog post? Well, I’ve BEEN telling you that I can be an asshole, so if any of this surprises you, it would seem that the only thing I was actually serious about, you took for a joke.Adios!