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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Death. The Thief in the Night.

Hey there,

It's funny how you could be literally one foot in the grave and not know it until it is almost too late. For me, although I am always watching my body, I think that I have a high threshold for things that might kill ordinary humans. But, on the other hand, my blood problems have been unable to be caught immediately because I didn't lose blood drastically. It sort of decreased gradually until I was left on empty.

Just to give you an idea of how far this is, once again, doctors aren't sure how I am still walking and talking. S-Ferritin levels should be at 20 or more, but right now, they are at 2. So, my body is literally not absorbing oxygen, because it can not, because my blood cells can't regenerate, have become smaller, and my body can't be satiated by the amounts of oxygen I am taking in.

Then, there is hemoglobin. The normal person should have levels of 13 to function properly and mine are at 5. Again, I have volumes of useless blood in me, and if i had lost this blood drastically, and at once, I wouldn't have survived. People die at higher levels of blood than the ones that I have, but my body apparently has been compensating and I have been getting used to this state of weakness, thus being able to live with it.

But today, it took a turn for the worst. I can honestly say that I have never felt so detached from life before. I am not being dramatic. I can actually feel myself dying. I am just not trying to be too concerned with it. I am waiting for my medical aid to approve the iron transfusion, and then get juiced up and live. So far though, I have warned my roommate that if I say she must take me to hospital, she must not hesitate.

The thing is, I am near heart failure, let alone the damage that has been caused to my brain from not having enough oxygen. Although I have tested my head with online IQ tests to see if I have gone dumber, I feel mentally alert as far as my thoughts are concerned. I am playing word puzzles like mad so as to keep my mind active and make sure that my neurons are still fired up. I have that in check.

As for my other parts, like my heart, I can feel it under strain. I can't stand for too long. I also can't eat. So, I have been force feeding myself just to get some sort of energy as I wait. My heart has been given a break by taking tranquilizers which make sure that my heart rate and blood pressure is slow and low. Literally, any strain on my heart could do damage, so I am keeping cool, calm and collected, pretending as if I have more life in me. It has been working, but today, I felt a change.

So, if my body won't do, my spirit will do.

All the while, I am thinking, "If i die today, would I have said and done all I needed to do?" and the answer is "YES!! I gave it my best shot. I never gave half of myself to people. I have been sincere." On that note, I need to leave my room and walk, and go outside to get proper fresh air, an activity which I have been doing religiously lately since I found out how bad this is.

During the last week or so, I have spent more time sitting outside, even at night, just breathing, thinking, and breathing. It seems like the air inside doesn't have enough oxygen and I can feel it because sitting outside usually leaves me refreshed, if only for a short while.

Of course, I don't think I will die. I don't plan to. I certainly don't feel like dying, but who knows? Maybe someone else is in charge of that, and I might just die. So, I have been just being myself, laughing as much as possible, not dwelling on this, and so on... But as I said, today... I dipped.

Anyway, let's get positive. I just wrote this so that if I DO die, I done told you so, and all that friggen crying you are gonna have will be useless to me. Speak now, or forever hold your peace. When I am on the other side, I will still be me, and I don't suffer fools, so I will just shrug for those who shall cry crocodile tears for me. The only people I care about are my loved ones, my friends who have shown themselves to be true and so on.

If I die, and you are pleased, good for you. :) You got what you desired. But, I am still around in spirit. LOL!

Ciao.

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