Why is it that my friends give me bad advice? And, why do I listen to it? I mean, it is good because it gets the job done but, it is bad because it is so ego based, it is almost unhealthy. Is it naive or stupid for me to be honest? Yes, probably! In the world we live in, being honest will get you right in the deep recesses of Satan’s crack, that is, somewhere painful and torturous. You will be punished and you will be forced into living in the fringes of society because of living your truth.
For example, I am a social outcast and I have ruined my reputation for expressing my desire for a guy. I have always been called stupid for doing this because I always end up here, i.e. alone, confused and disappointed. I have ruined my reputation because apparently, this guy has shared this information with his friends, and is now laughing at me because only desperate losers with no life do what I do. Worse than that, even after being told to fuck off, like a dog, not in those exact words but I was told to go away because I am a nuisance, I still persisted to try and convince the individual that I was not that bad. Apparently, this was the worst mistake I could ever make because I was begging him to be with me, which I wasn’t but I can see how it can seem that way. I was merely trying to make this person see reason by offering a massage and dinner, but now, where this person sits, he is laughing and mocking me for liking him. I am a laughing stock. *shrugs* If only he knew how accustomed to this shit I am, he wouldn’t.
I found this highly strange. What is so worthy of a mocking and laughing? Being liked and found attractive is funny? I usually appreciate such, and then dismiss it without making a fuss if I am not interested in the person, which is almost always. I have never been asked out by a man I liked back. Can you believe that? Yep. I like a man and I let him know. Once or twice, this worked out and a man and I were able to experience Nirvana but, these didn’t last, but boy am I glad I experienced these divine and godly connections?
Isn’t being desired a cause for celebration and thanks for yet another person thinking highly of one’s being? Well, no! If you like someone and tell them honestly, and you invite them into your life, you are an idiot. So, I was told to leave such foolish ways of honesty because the world doesn’t operate like that, and move on to the next guy who will adore me, have sex with this guy and forget about those that don’t appreciate me. My question was, “Just like that?”, in fact, that is always my question, even though I always do it anyway. They even highlighted that the next guy must always be better looking, richer and just better than the one with which I am besotted because this will show how ridiculously low I was setting my sights. When I replied, “Come on guys, i don’t like him for anything other than the fact that I do, so getting a guy who is “better” than him is not logical. How is this one better?” The girls looked at me with that, “Is she serious?” look and one answered me and said, “Look! You’ve become pathetic! That’s just plain and simple. You are pathetic to us, to even your crush. So, you need to get yourself back. You are beautiful, smart, accomplished and caring and this man has turned you into a pathetic loser who asks for affection through dinner and massages.”
I was taken aback. Am I that bad? Jeez! I like cooking and giving massages. And they are enjoyable to the person receiving them. They are a good way to connect and relax. I wasn’t buying anyone’s affections? I sighed and begun to think. “Yes, I could see how I could be seen as pathetic, but I don’t care,” I said.
Then, one girl said, “Well, we do! We won’t stand around and see you making a fool of yourself. No man is worth this much of your energy. Besides, he is distracting you from work. You’ve been moping around here and we miss you.”
Really? Is this how the world operates? It all seems sort of stupid to me, but I have nothing to do so I will take their advice and date a hot, rich random guy. At least I will get to be treated like a queen instead of being told to fuck off (not in those words, but that was the message, yes.). It’s about to be my birthday week so I deserve better than that. I deserve birthday sex. To that, I agree. I deserve to be happy. I just don’t agree with the lying bit and acting like people don’t matter when they do because I honestly believe that when we see something worthy of praise and appreciation, we should give it. I give praise where praise is due. I am just like that. People will not believe how much I walk my talk. When I say I am honest, I mean it. When I say that I am not afraid, I mean it. When I say that I am not going to compromise who I am for anyone, I mean it. Even when it means that I am a laughing stock, apparently. *Sigh*
To me, although I hate being alive in general, life itself can give us these rare, precious gifts that make being alive worth a little effort. It is not the first time I have ever liked a man, and it is not going to be the last if these men keep on acting like this, that is, telling me to fuck off, or telling me that they are not into me, or telling me that I am not their right fit, or telling me that I come on too strong. So, this is not new to me. I do come on too strong, but so fucking what? You’d be surprised that I just want to have a conversation with a man, but they seem to run ahead of themselves and think “sex” and “marriage”. Look, yeah... Sex, marriage and all that shite is easily attainable, especially for me. What is rare is to find is someone with which I have an emotional and intellectual connection plus a physical chemistry on top of that. What is rare is for me to feel safe with a man.
Ugh! Men just don’t get me. Or I don’t get them. Whatever. I am quite fed up that I am actually ready for a loveless, chemistry-less union where I just get treated like royalty and spoiled. I love being spoiled. I like it so much that it might make me fall in love, so rather that than dealing with confusing situations where I have to act like I am in a battle field filled with landmines, which is what this business of pretending feels like. Really uncomfortable.
I am not into short-term lovers and am I into long-term lovers. I am just into lovers who turn out to be whatever life desires. I don’t care whether relationships last or not. I care about events happening. I am all about experiencing life and its events, not about extending life and its experiences. I am not about watching life as a spectator. I am about taking part in life: I am a participator. So, all these games that humans play really mess with my idea of living.
One apple will never taste like another, but there are plenty of apples, if you know what I mean. But it is sad that there is one apple left on the table and someone takes that apple you were eyeing, trying to figure out if it was rotten, while you are left thinking, “Maybe I should have just gone for the apple because I won’t get another one until tomorrow.” Bad analogy? Whatever. I’m sure you understand.
If I don’t get the chance to experience divinity with one man, I will get to experience it with another. I am not the type to believe in scarcity of anything, especially in a world where there are millions of beautiful men. If life gives me a window period with one individual, I like to take advantage of the chance. I don’t rush things because I know that there is another around the corner, but still, when I miss one, it sucks because I have to wait until the next one in idle boredom. So, I don’t dilly dally and play around hoping to keep someone or hoping to reel them in. The sooner you deal with one, the sooner the next one arrives, I shit you not. I speak from experience. So, I just lay myself bare and say, “Here I am. Take me or not. It is your choice.”
Also, I am quite a catch, myself. Seldom am I not desired by men, so when one catches my eye, and I am besotted, they should go with it if they feel me, and not waste time. I don’t want someone who I once liked who liked me too, coming to me with lousy excuses like, “But, you didn’t show me that you liked me too” when I have nicely moved on with another man. I act the way I do as evidence so I can say, “Look! I gave it my all. I showed my intentions. I wasn’t ambiguous. I told you that I wanted to get closer. I showed you that you were my priority when I took notice of you, so please don’t make your problems of fear and indecision my problem. I am happy now. So, Goodbye. I will call you when I feel you again, but I have never looked back, so our ship has most likely sailed.”
This speech is a speech I make very often to guys who didn’t jump in when the window period into my life opened up. The ship sailed and they hate me now because they didn’t do anything about the window period. SMH! How that’s my fault, is a mystery. I just think men should grow some balls, generally. They don’t though until it is too late. I, on the other hand, have huge cahoons. Shit, I should have been a man or lesbian, or something. The masculine way in which I handle relationships is wasted. I am too direct. I am too honest. I don’t lie enough. Women would love me!
I am sure, if I lied and made myself out to be perfect and saintly, I would have reeled in some men I desired, but Good Lord, lying is so exhausting. I can’t even imagine how it feels to be unhappy with something and to pretend as if I am happy. I can’t even imagine letting people disrespect me just so that they can like me. I just can’t imagine showing people my “best” side first before my “worst” because when I am nervous and insecure, I get cranky and irritable, paranoid and generally unhappy. It is only when I am secure in a relationship with men that I become a breeze, so I am never going to be the perfect girl immediately. Put being lazy to lie with my inclination to be grumpy when unsure of where I stand, and I am going to run them off to the hills for quite some time, until I meet someone who can see through all of that emotional mess and say, “There is a sane person in there, and I am going to get her out by being direct, honest and patient.”
In the meantime, I will take my friend’s bad advice and get spoilt by men I don’t desire. That’s how my relationships form actually. I am usually coming from heartbreak, and my friends and I figure that I have nothing to do anyway, and that I should just date an eligible bachelor to keep my mind off the other dude. Then, a year or two later, I am still with my “rebound”. SMH! A hot mess! Then, the men I desired comes back from wherever they run to, saying they love me and at that moment, I am so angry with them for not being patient with me, so angry for making me be with my rebound instead of them, that I just never warm up to them again. I can’t forgive someone I desire forcing me to shag other men while he is alive. That to me spells lack of care. That to me says you can prostitute me off or let me be a prostitute if need be. It means that you are not protecting me. So, I can’t love someone who doesn’t make me feel safe.
That’s my relationship story. A string of rebounds turned boyfriends mysteriously before my eyes. Next thing, you find yourself turning down a marriage proposal realizing that, “Wait! I was with this guy because I was trying to get Mr. I-Don’t-Care-About-You” out of my mind, not because I loved this man. Oh, shit! I need to break up with this man so that he finds someone who really loves him.” And then I become single. This is my relationship pattern. I wish to break it but the guys I like won’t give me a break so, I keep on being with guys I don’t desire. Rebounds.
Love, Peace and Power.