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Monday, November 5, 2012

I'm so Intense. It is Frightening!

Dearest Reader,

I am going to be straight with you. I can easily be annoyed by people, but it doesn't come naturally to me to hate people, and anger is not very easy for me to maintain. I am just not designed in such a way that has the capacity to hold such negativity in my being because I get bored by holding on to any feeling for too long if the feeling is not pleasurable.

Lately, I have found that my only protection from being hurt is to hurt myself through feeling anger on purpose. You know how some people wake up and try to perk themselves up in order to get through the day. Well, I need to anger myself in order to avoid incurring more hurt and sorrow. Everyday, I wake up with no hate in my heart. I wake up with an open heart, an open mind and an open view to experiencing whatever I desire. Yes, I generally wake up with wonder, excitement and anticipation for the lovely laughs, smiles and swoons I am going to experience each day.

You see, as a generally happy person, my morning constitutes of sending messages to a number of people, just sending my greetings, and sharing stories about them if I dreamed of them. I am accustomed to not holding myself back when it comes to expressing good feelings for people, so I send emails, texts, make calls and contact people a lot in my life. I am always laughing that I even laugh in my sleep. I have, on numerous occasions, woken myself up cracking up with laughter.

Then, he comes into my mind, and in all honesty, every morning I forget that there is someone who I am not supposed to speak to because speaking to them is going to hurt me. So, for a few minutes, I have to restrict myself from sending that message of greeting when it comes to him, and remind myself that talking to him equals hurt and pain. The desire to share my good vibes is then with difficulty turned into feelings which will make me not desire to say hello to him. So, from smiling at the thought of him, I go through my "mantra" and remind myself of why I dislike him. I remind myself of how he doesn't deserve to be spoken to. I remind myself of how he hurt my feelings.  I remind myself of how he humiliated me. I remind myself of how I cried from disillusionment. I remind myself of each and every little detail of why saying hello to him will cause more damage to me than not saying hello, even if I desire to say hello.

I play with these dark thoughts in my head, kicking myself for being so easy on such a horrid person. I beat myself up and start calling myself pathetic for even thinking of him with any positivity, because although forgiveness if a virtue, it is quite painful when it makes me repeat my mistakes. Then, I cultivate the anger towards him. I build the hate, I relive every single bit of sadness that he triggered in me until I finally hate him again. I chant in my head how he has not even found me worthy of making amends with me. I remind myself that I mean nothing to him, that I am just a bitch, whore and prostitute, low-life for which he has no positive regard toward. I remind myself that he hates me and thinks I am dirt. I remind myself that he disrespects me. I remind myself that he finds me disgusting. I remind myself that I am filth to him to have been treated as such.

Then, like a volcano, my anger and disgust for him returns. It returns with a vengeance. I then finally cease to view him as any other human, and begin to view him as the disgusting, piece of scum that he should be, all so that I can not say hello to him, because saying hello to him will hurt me because I will be greeted back with some derogatory and hateful response. If I leave myself vulnerable of even neutral about him, I will get myself hurt again. I am certain that any civilized treatment of him will only result with me being spoken to like dirt. So, I have to condition myself to not view him as a civilized person. I have to dehumanize him constantly, in order to not find myself at my naive square one, bright-eyed and open-hearted, only to have a dagger pushed through my heart because he dehumanized me a long time ago.

I have to hurt myself every day, and sometimes more than once a day, in order to prevent myself from reaching out to him and hurting myself with his response or lack of. It's so ironic how hurting myself by cultivating anger where it no longer lives is the only way I can prevent myself from being hurt by him. I hurt myself because it is not easy for me to be this angry and hateful towards a person day in and day out. It is hard work. It is hard work that will pay off though. I didn't quit drinking, smoking and I didn't beat an addiction by luck. I beat every negative thing in my life by constantly reminding myself that current pain is worth future freedom. And I was right.

In time, I won't have to consciously be angry at him, just as in time, I didn't have to constantly be aggressively at war with substances in order to beat my cravings for them. I beat all things that hurt me by constantly reminding myself that the end result is happiness, and that I have to cultivate disgust and hatred for narcotics before I beat them. Today, I literally can't stand the smell of cigarettes (and alcohol too), whereas, for 2 years after quitting smoking, the smell was quite delicious and tempting. I was still finding pleasure in things that destroy me. I had to remind myself that all the discomfort, deprivation, limitations,  Berserker mentality was for a good reason. It was for my ultimate liberation.

Like a drug, I have to despise him. He, like drugs, and my fixation with him, were not doing any good for my life. None at all. It is uncomfortable to be angry every day, but anger, when it promotes life and happiness is GOOD. I am saying, "Enough is Enough, Veronnica! You can't do this to yourself anymore." And, the only way to let myself be free is to hate all that makes me unhappy. HATE! Not dislike, or frown upon. No. I have to HATE all things that take me away from my ultimate desires, I have to despise things that take me off my path of joy, because doing otherwise is not LOVING TO THE SELF.

Isn't it ironic that I have to be constantly angry in order to love myself these days.

I was so close to messaging him this morning. So close. Then I remembered that I hate things that take me away from my joy. Therefore, I shall not seek out things that take me away from my joy. I will despise them as they are the enemy to my salvation. Like bad food, bad friends, bad jobs and bad sex, I will despise things that take me away from my joy. The only things that I shall allow in my life are things that build me. He wasn't that. Drugs weren't that. Alcohol wasn't that. Cigarettes weren't that. Bad food was not that too. If it doesn't build me, strengthen me and puts a smile on my face, it is taking away from my god-given right to be happy.

I just thought it was interesting how anger is actually saving me some dignity, and I am grateful to it. Anger is not the bad guy that everyone make it to be. Anger saves lives, gives dignity and respect to those it is taken from, and builds esteem in the long run when one looks back and says, "I didn't allow myself that agony and I removed myself." It is unfortunate that it takes me very long to be angry and that anger doesn't naturally last to me, but there are ways to summon it.

I know when I wake up in the morning, I will be my happy and my giddy self, and I will desire to speak to him amongst many others, but I will not. Instead I will remind myself again how despicable he is. Unless he, and any other toxic person for that matter, changes and become a cause for me to smile, he will have to be a subject to my anger for me to distance myself from him in mind and soul. This is how abused women get out of abusive relationships, by the way. They have to forget the good about the person and just dwell on the negative to survive and not go back. They have to remind themselves everyday of why they left in the first place. Otherwise, they go back and get their asses whipped again. I am like the Jews. "Never again." Never again will I make myself so vulnerable to such negative conditions. Goodness! I don't desire to be those women who linger around where they are not respected. Never again.

I am sure this is small to him. But, little things go a long way when emotions are deep. It's not like he wants to make amends. He doesn't give a shit. He hasn't shown one ounce of remorse or regret. So, I can sacrifice a bit of happiness and be angry for a bit longer until I truly think little of him that I don't have urges to even want to greet him. In fact, I am ashamed of myself that I even desire to greet him. I am so disgusted in myself for trivializing something so huge.But, it is not my fault. I am just naturally inclined towards letting bygones be bygones. But I can't do that... I won't do that. Not this time.

I am intense. I have to be. Otherwise, I would be dead, or sucking dick to be liked, and feeling like a worthless peace of shit if I wasn't like this. Yeah, I'd be out there, trying to be liked and accepted by sacrificing my self-respect. It's not an easy person to be this, but it gets me the results I want. People may throw dirt on my name, and even hate me, but I always say that, they will respect me. And, when they have daughters, they will want their daughters to be like me. Trust! And, when they are honest, they would also want the mother of their children to be this protective of herself and her dignity.

Anyway, maybe I am just comforting myself with that last paragraph, but yeah... I walk my talk. Love YOURSELF. I lose track but I always get back to it.

Happy Mercury Retrograde. Mercury Retrograde is actually a good time to resolve issues by revisiting them. It is a time when people's exs come from the holes in which they were hiding, and it is a great time for friends to reunite after a long period of not seeing one another. So, I am going to do just that, reconnect with old friends, and maintain my happiness somewhere else in my life.

V

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