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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dearest Reader,

I am having trouble sleeping. My throat is sore. I am very tired. If I am tired, I should sleep, right? Well, insomnia doesn't work like that. Insomnia is a mind game, and if the mind has more will over your desire to sleep, you will remain awake, thinking, obsessing, revisiting issues, places and people. You will spend it worrying about life in general. You can go from thinking of a lost opportunity for love, to a lost opportunity for work. The thoughts just whoosh about in the mind, giving me no rest, and making me jittery instead of restful.

Today, I had a lovely day overall. In fact, it was a physically demanding day. I had an intense workout session with my personal trainer and did boxing and circuit. I did everything from jabbing, uppercuts to left hooks. Then I did push ups, sit ups, crunches and even planking. It was grueling, but as soon as the hour was over, and after I cooled down, I felt the angst return again. Therefore, I jumped into the pool. I swam laps while also making sure that I am exercising my upper body. By the time I had had enough of swimming, it was 2 hours later. My finger tips were wrinkled and I was shivering a bit.

Still, the physical exercise was not enough. I needed to do more. I thought of taking a walk, but I thought that maybe I was overworking myself, so after taking a shower, I spent another hour playing the guitar, which put me under some trance. But, soon, my fingers couldn't take the metallic strings, and so I had to give up playing the guitar against my desires. I needed more. I needed something else to occupy me physically because I am literally tired of thinking. I have had it with thinking and doing calculations of this and that.

Therefore, I went to work. I opened up my PC, and read my emails for the first time today. I sent emails, responded to some and deleted a whole lot of them. The point is, nothing is giving me that place of peace and rest right now. I am hormonal and the pressure is mounting, not decreasing, so the angst, antsy and restless behavior is going to persist for a few days.

During all of this, I managed to make dinner, remove my nail polish, and think about doing the washing.

I hate this feeling.

Being incredibly tired but not tired enough to pass out is not fun. I know what's encouraging this thought. I have too much stimuli of my senses. The tv is on. The PC is on. My eyes are opened. My ears are not plugged. So, after I post this, I am going to get myself some fruit because I hungry again. Then I am going to switch off most of my senses and hope to God that I sleep. I am not entirely sleep deprived. The last time I slept, the duration of the slumber was 4 hours of interrupted sleep, which is better than no sleep.

I hope I can fall asleep now and wake up in 12 hours, but that won't happen. The cleaning lady will make a racket, waking me up prematurely with the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Alternatively, someone will call me at 8am because they wouldn't be aware that I just fell asleep. I am going to try though to fill my stomach so that I can have that sleepiness that one gets from eating, and hope that this feeling, plus the anti-histamines that I have taken do some magic and let me go to sleep.

Earth is holding me hostage and I am fed up. I desire to go to the astral now and rejuvenate like normal people. I would like to have some dreams that are fun to have. I would like to wake up refreshed like normal  people instead of the zombie I look like right now.

But enough complaining. Let me post and prepare for sleep.

Thank You for reading.

Veronnica Wolpendz
Love, Winner, Renowned!


 

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