Pages

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Rage: An Eye For An Eye?

Dearest Reader,

Rage.
I am a student of life. I don't go about thinking I know it all because I don't. I have so much to learn, even though I have gained a sizable amount of understanding thus far on my life journey. I learn most by observing myself than I do by observing others, although I do observe others too. From my study of the self, I have learned that I am the most damaged, most beautiful and most godly being that I have ever had the chance to get close to. Due to this knowing of myself, I have come to recognize the same in others, and my life thus far has been about sharing that with others, and being sensitive to that fact in others. All I truly desire in life is to show people what I have seen and that they can see it too. This has not been easy because many do not desire to see what I have seen. They just claim to, but when given the chance to see it, they never take that chance.

I am my biggest critic. I am my biggest observer, developer and biggest supporter of self. I know that if I don't look after myself, no one will. I am constantly watching my thoughts, and I don't push them away through distractions by filling my days with too many unnecessary activities like avoiding to be on my own by partying a lot, having sex with multiple partners, and being always occupied by things that won't be there when I die. I spend most of my time with myself because I think I am the biggest achievement. I am my biggest project. I am my most important task.

I have come to learn that through experience. I know my capabilities and I certainly know what I can or can not do. I know what is within my power and what isn't. I know that I am in a place where constant thought monitoring is NOT an option, where my actions reflect on who I am, where my desires tell me where I am mentally or spiritually. Right now, my desires tell me that, the more I get taken for granted, the more I am not heard, the more I am disrespected, the more I am mistreated, I am going to explode! And, to be honest, the explosion is probably a good thing for me. So, I see no reason why I shouldn't just go on blast and lose it!

When I was younger, I behaved as if I hated myself. I attracted situations and things that hurt me, and basically, I would like to steer away from such today. I do steer clear of abusive people, abusive substances or abusive environment most times, but sometimes I fail. I really have developed an appreciation for myself. I don't like putting myself through bad experiences anymore. All I really desire is to be filled with love, joy and gladness. Therefore, knowing my actions were once countering my desires before made me very self aware now, so that when I do such again, I can quickly and swiftly change my trajectory and go back to LOVE.

Astrology speaks the truth!
For the last few months, I have been attracting a bunch of people that made my life something I didn't want it to be. Attracting and befriending a pair of working girls (prostitutes) who came with the guise of goodness then who later turned out to be awfully selfish and inconsiderate. Then, I developed feelings for a man who was also awfully rude, ill-mannered and unapologetically disrespectful. Then I am dealing with another who is disrespecting me by trying to make me his other woman. All these things piss me off. Then, because of the two ladies of the night, I got painted with the same brush as they and got myself misrepresented. And, as for the guy, I also got misrepresented there being sworn at in public amongst other things. Okay, people are rude. It is not about me, right? I don't know! Maybe I have something about me which says, "treat me like shit and take advantage of my friendliness because I am an idiot".

What makes me unhappy is that, if I could, I would like to have these people in my life because they seem like fun, save for the fact that they mistreated me. In all cases, I have given these people a chance to make amends for the wrongs that I feel were bestowed upon me. In each case, the people involved didn't want to make amends and acknowledge how they affected me. I never give up on people on first attempt, so trust me when I say, that I have tried to see them differently. They refused to be seen as anything but selfish, hateful and disrespectful people, and so, it is clear that we are on different sides of the fence.

The issue is not them only, though. The bigger issue is that, if given a chance, and these people humble themselves and admit or acknowledge how they have affected me, I would welcome them back in my life with open arms. This is a problem because it means that I am the type of woman, it seems, who can take a lot of beatings. I allow abuse on myself it seems.

I am also caught in a cross roads because, since these people have shown such blatant disregard for me, I suppose that I can do the same, right? I can just hurt them as much as they have hurt me, and teach them that being vulnerable around certain people can reap very unpleasant circumstances, as they have showed me, right? I can betray their trust too, right? I know I am being manipulative now, that I am threatening these people to make amends with me or else I will hurt them. I am basically forcing them to make things right now because they can't or won't do it on their own. I am now exerting my will on them, in a way. Yes, this is how low I have stooped! Those girls have children and I could hurt them as much as they hurt me by just simply showing the world who they are without their pseudonyms to their families and friends. Or I could just tell the world exactly how much this man treated me by speaking about it to everyone who is willing to listen. I am totally capable of it all. The only thing stopping me is that I desire amends more than war.

That's hurt. It makes people very manipulative, vengeful and cruel. It is not a good color on me but what gives people the right to just treat me badly and not make it right? Why must I be the one who is the bigger person? Why must I keep their dignity in tact to the world when they didn't to my dignity? It is not fair. And, I tried my best to make peace in order to tame my rage. It didn't work. So, now I have decided to go internally. I have decided to just stop dating completely. I have stopped the whole sex game too and I am being celibate. I have decided to not make new friends too. I am going internal to get my inner ninja ready or calm. It is clear though that I need silence. I need to think. I need to be able to be accountable for whatever I do next.

People don't understand how rare it is to be allowed in my private place. Then they abuse it. Then I get mad. Then I give them a chance to make things right. Then they refuse it. Then I am left asking myself what I should do. An eye for an eye? Turn the other cheek? I have learnt to let go of an issue without having the person who "caused" it, fix it. It would seem as if I am as vengeful as some claim.

When I am about to explode, or when I am about to make people feel my wrath, I usually take a time out and retreat. I don't want to do something I will regret. But, after my retreat, I hope I don't feel like settling the score because I feel very wronged, and ignored still. And one thing about me is that, I WILL BE HEARD! Words are my domain. I am tired of being in this position, asking myself why I put myself in such a position as to feel this way. I am also tired of people taking advantage of the fact that "She wouldn't do that?" even though they did it to me. I am quite pissed still, even more now since I even humbled myself to make sure that I don't hurt them, and still, NO REMORSE! Okay... They think I am trying to make peace to benefit me. How wrong they are. Sure, making peace means I stop being angry, but they probably have more to gain with having a happy me than I.
Well...

And, yes, when I offer an olive branch and it is not taken. That's a declaration of war in my books, so without going into a war that I might lose, I shall retreat and think things through. These people don't deserve to have their dignity in tact when they tore mine apart. I don't let people get away with walking all over me and treating me badly, and it is not personal. Unless the person is remorseful, I will wash my hands of anything that I shall do next. The fact that I am warning them in this blog means I still care. If I was evil, I would surprise them with an assault, but I really don't want to go there.

I am tired of people treating me unfairly, badly, disrespectfully and thinking it is okay. It is NOT! Absolve yourself now or await for whatever carnage I shall unleash on you ALL! Maybe I needed this to snap so that I can just make everyone pay for disrespecting me. And when I feel like doing something, I do it, so imagine how hard it is for me to hold myself back. For what? Why am I holding myself back? These people don't give a shit about me. So, why should I? In essence, if anything is coming, they deserve it all.

Your pride will be your downfall, you people. Just humble yourself and all this goes away. 

V

No comments: