More Money More Problems?
*This blog is just me pouring my heart out, like when Mariah Carey was having a melt-down (how dramatic) and I shan't be concerned with creativity and writing style. I'm just letting it out here because... it's my blog and I can vent if I want to!!!)
I will NOT advertise this post. Those who see it, will see it because their soul wanted them to see it. This is a personal one, as usual. LOL
I am not sure whether you are aware that I am a singer, song-writer and a guitarist. That is my chosen field of expertise. That is the area which I have chosen to spend all my energy upon. The writing and everything else is what I do while I wait to get my ultimate break. This blog is about my journey to the top, or at least, it is about my journey as I TRY to reach the summit.
This journey has not been easy at all. In fact, it is the toughest thing I have had to do. I have had to sacrifice so much so as not to lose track of what I want to achieve. Fortunately, I am a lucky girl. I have many people who are helping me reach my goal, who believe in what I have to offer and who are doing their best to get me where I desire to be. The problem is that, these things take time and I sometimes find myself losing it a bit, where I am not sure whether I am coming or going.
I am not famous, but I not completely unknown. Of course, I am relatively unknown but the word is growing, people are talking, the pot is brewing. This place of unknown-dom, and the eve of my about to be known-dom, is messing me up a little, but I will get the hang of it. I am just struggling because I know what's about to happen in my life, and I know that it could also not happen at all and that I could just disappear into obscurity. The point is, for the last few years, I went on knocking on each and every door, hoping someone would open but no one did until recently. I'm still in the same place economically, I'm still in the same place physically, but NOW, unlike before where I was grappling at straws trying to make something happen, the body that is my career is finally pregnant, and it is about to give birth to a lovechild (my art).
This is a tricky area to be because it is like being in purgatory, and I find myself not fitting in anywhere. I don't fit in with the established people in the industry because these people are playing a totally different ball game than I am, and I don't fit in with the unknowns because they too are on their own missions which are nothing like the life that I am living. I am in limbo and I don't like it.
Hmmm... For example... When I approach an established artist with my wide-eyed wonder and innocence, I get greeted by distrust and a bit of scorn. Of course, this is natural because "who the F*** am I" to these people, really? Nobody! To them, they don't know nor do they care whether I will be the biggest thing to hit the industry because at the level I am at, well... a lot of people either fail or go forth, but basically there are a lot of people like me who "could" be the biggest thing to hit the industry, so to speak. The established people don't care about your potential. To them, you are a nobody or an unknown or worse, a groupie. Then there are the unknowns who don't want to be known because they do jobs which do not require the public, who view me in similar disdain, but instead of being a groupie to them, I am that wanna-be person who "isn't even famous" who sings and plays the guitar. To the "normal" person who goes to work from 9 to 5, I am a bit of a fluke who is almost famous, or worse, I am a wannabe musician who makes less money than they are at the moment, in their corporate jobs, a fool! I dunno... my point is that I don't belong anywhere these days.
*yeah, this blog is not comfortable to read or to write*
I thought I was done with being doubted when I was being doubted by my peers as a nobody who was dreaming a big dream. Now I am being doubted by fellow big dreamers who see me as some opportunist when I am in their surrounding, just because I am not yet in the magazines like them? I bet if I started to name drop to show them who I am working with, they would change their tune, but why should I? And what would that do for me? Does being judged ever end? What's fucked up is that I have a long memory, and I have this mental list of people who have failed to recognize my potential who I shall chastise when my time comes, but what shit is that? Now, I am thinking of revenge that I am going to bestow on people just because they didn't believe in me? That's not right!! I don't like that at all! I don't want to feel this way. But, I can't lie. When I am sitting in the dark at night, I fantasize about these people on my list (fast forward from now) as they are treating me as if they have never met me, smiling and reaching out for me because I am all of a sudden worthy. THEN... I withdraw my hand and remind them exactly where and when they acted as if I was scum under their shoes. Then I tell them to fuck off! *LOL* I have had this fantasy for a long time. Anyone who rejects me gets to play a cameo and be the person who gets told off. Sigh! Jealousy makes you nasty, doesn't it? :)
Now, due to all those dynamics, I find myself being weirded out by how I am also changing. I am finding myself to be cynical and resentful. I'm fantasizing about treating people badly, I mean... come on! This is not me! Also, I am testing people, and seeing if people give me the time of day to add them on my list, and if they don't then this tells me that they join the HIT LIST for when I descend upon them. So, it is like I am recruiting for the list now! What on earth is going on with me? So much darkness and vengeance. o_O
I just want to make music. I can't deal with all this crap. I really can't. The solution is that I must STOP dealing with this crap, and I guess I need to isolate myself even more? I don't know. I guess, I better talk to those who have been through this and ask them how they managed to get through this limbo, and how they got over resenting everyone around them. I don't want to hate people. I love people generally, but to go to a party, and be introduced to someone "famous", introduced as someone who is up and coming, and to get a stiff upper lip is NOT treating me well, and that person deserves to be destroyed! :) Like, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU treating me like I am below you and sh*t? There is a new era, and I might just be its leader, so be nice. *LOL*
The operative word there is "MIGHT". I might be someone to these people and I might not. I guess, let me not worry about snobbish people, and stiff upper lipped people, and let me not worry about being recognized. This is NOT about me, is it? It is about my music! I guess, I am learning a lot of humility through this whole stint of my journey. I never anticipated any of this. I have confidence and I carry myself in such an assured way because I know what I have in store, but people are probably wondering what it is that I am confident about since they haven't seen anything. Actually, I don't know. All I know is that, I am tempted to NEVER make any more friends from now on, and keep those that I have now, but if I do that, what's the point of living?
I'll cross that bridge in a few months. For now, let me just get back to writing songs and forget the rest. I'll stew on this some other time.
Let me sleep. Let me let go of my bitterness and sleep. *LOL*
To a new day!
P.S. Due to developments of my career, I shall be shortening my name to something more marketable. I will announce it here as to what the name will be. I might keep the blog as it is for those in the know, sort of like for the veterans who know my original name, but we will see. But, yes... I am gonna have a stage name. I have already chosen one, so it is a matter of time until I share it with you.
P.S.S. I might not even have a blog in this form for long. But we will see.