Pages

Monday, January 24, 2011

Insomnia? Insanity? Yeah, both!

Insanityyy

Dear Reader,

Well, it has been a long time since I have delved into this particular vibration of writing because I have been concentrating on celebrating life for the past few months even though I have experienced set backs like everyone else. The thing is, I do not become “contemplative” when I am in a good mood, or when I am feeling revitalized and rejuvenated. You see, I wrote more in this frequency when I was sleep deprived and tormented. Fortunately, today I am both so I have more to say than “I’m happy”.

For the last few days I have been sleeping a maximum of 5 hrs of awful sleep accompanied by nightmares and so forth. So, I am in a perfect state to write long speeches. Don’t ask me why. All I know is that when I am in full, good and refreshed spirits, I have no time for writing. All I want to do when feeling my best is to experience life than to write about it.

When I am in good form, I prefer to live in the NOW than to speak about living in the NOW. I usually spend my time with friends, laughing and catching up, calling and texting and meeting people for lunch, and connecting to the SOURCE and sending out prayers of gratitude to the Universe. Yes, boring, but that’s my idea of fun. I usually create less songs but I do play and perform the songs that I have already written a bit. During high energy times, I share that creativity with others.  Therefore, there is no time wasted and I am glad for it, because to be honest, I hate being stagnant, so there is always something to do.  During low energy times, I zone out, become a loner and open myself up to creative energy. So, I have come to take advantage of the good and the not so good times by using both times to get something done. I can’t afford down time. Believe it or not, I am not always heavy and dark as I have presented myself to you in the last few years.

I have been reading Dr. Samuel Sagan’s books lately, namely, “Atlantean Secrets” and “Awakening the Third Eye” and also reading some excerpts from his book on possession. As strange or as dramatic as I may sound, I think I am possessed. It is that or I have very distinct separate personalities. There is a part of me that is somber, insightful and wise who speaks with great care, purpose and concern. To be honest, this part of me is very preachy and I get annoyed with it sometimes as it goes on and on. Then, there is a part of me that is just juvenile in a pleasant way. This part of me doesn’t take her self seriously, laughs a lot and basically lives La Vida Loca! I switch from one personality to the other depending on how much I’ve slept, what I have eaten and so on. Or, I have bipolar disorder, although being the hypochondriac that I am, I had already got myself tested some time back to make sure, and I wasn’t.

The light-hearted part of me doesn’t particularly want to write anything, whether it be songs, lyrics, blogs or emails. The light-hearted side of me likes to listen to other people’s music, likes to chat to people instead of writing to people and to just have fun. The heavy-hearted self likes to write, make new music, philosophize and dwell on the horrific state of the world. Obviously, I like the light-hearted self better, and I think I was the light-hearted self first, but when the heavy-hearted self came along, I was able to calm her down via writing and music. You see – the heavy hearted self thinks of poverty, sickness and the degeneration of the Earth and cries about it, while the light-hearted self thinks of the beauty, the hope and the reasons to celebrate being alive.

I am not sure which of these parts is the real me. Maybe they are both me. Either way, I prefer the happy one than the morose one. The morose one is just so heavy, and she usually comes out when my spirit is heavy also. So, I am possessed, as Samuel Sagan M.D. says, or that’s just who I am, a person with two extremely polar personalities. And, yes, this does confuse people a lot because if you like me for one of the personalities, and you happen to experience the other, you will totally start disliking me thereafter. I don’t know how many times I have heard the words, “I want your bubbly self back” or noticing people thinking I am a sham because instead of speaking about the insanity of the world and how to deal with it, I would rather laugh about the ridiculousness of the world. My true friends and loved ones accept the heavy part of me because it gives good advice but they all love the lighter side of me. Fortunately, they love me so they accept me as I am. Anyway, it is the way it is because I must have invited this polarity into my life, so I am not complaining or anything.  I was just explaining myself.

Even now, my tone is quite light-hearted so I better sleep one of these days because what’s next will be me preaching (to myself) through this blog, which personally gets on my nerves because I feel so dirty and self-righteous afterwards. Right now I want to carry on being bubbly, silly and unpredictable and non-judgmental. Being weird and bubbly makes me laugh and I love laughing. So, let me end the blog right there and try to sleep.

I’m sorry, but if there are errors and typos, it is not a sign of neglect and disrespect toward you. It is a sign of me being tired. I also notice that I repeated myself a bit in this blog, but hey… I am tired and my mind is going round and round in circles.

All the best,

Veronnica Wolpendz Loves You, as always!

xoxo

4 comments:

esscentualalchemy said...

I have these times as well, Ms. V. Is it part of being an earth sign? Is it just human nature to have cycles? There are moments when I feel that I am two different people, depending on what is happening inside and outside.

I think you do good to embrace you, in whatever way YOU happen to be NOW.

<3

Absinthe Dragonfly

Veronnica Wolpendz said...

Absinthe Dragonfly, The Scent Whisperer. Thank you for commenting, and I apologize for the late response.

You are quite right. It could be life's natural cycles. Life is cyclical, isn't it?

V
<3

Angela said...

I get this way, as well... I was trying to avoid the stepping-back route, when I was tempted to last Summer, and severely depressed, and as time went on, it became more and more clear that I made a mistake - I needed to step back, and spend that time alone, drawing, painting, reading, etc. Even with the mostly crappy month I've had this January, my attitude is better than it was (with a few exceptions); illness forced a time-out on me, when I almost changed my mind.

I like your serious self as much as your funny, more lighthearted self.

Veronnica Wolpendz said...

Hey there Angela, <3

You made the right decision by stepping out and using the quiet times for painting and drawing. I used to pain also, but since playing the guitar, I have had no time for anything else. I enjoyed sketching the most as it is easy to sketch just about anywhere.

Illness is a downer for sure. Please look after yourself and thank you for liking both sides of me. :) That's very understanding and non-judgmental of you. mwah