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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Reassess, Realign, Remember.

Dearest Reader (if there are any of you left)

My body is aching from the ambitious Sport's Thai massage I had earlier today. The pain is a low humming that can be easily unfelt but not easy to ignore, so I have taken some painkillers to ease the discomfort. So, I am sitting in bed, contemplating the bitter-sweetness of my bravery, of having the excruciating massage, but also of how I have unapolegetically lived my life thus far. The voices of ghosts of laughs and cries past are comforting and bruising me simultaniously. One thing is for sure, I have been expanding my energy and thoughts on things that do not matter to me for the last year or two, and today I finally said, "Enough is enough!" and that's when I deactivated my Twitter account to just get some peace in order to regroup, gather my strength, and get ready for the next stint of my life. For the last two years, I was living in the end of an old era, and sleeping upon the beginning of a new one. Now, it is time to wake up, and start living life the way I remember, on my own terms.

For what I do not know, I have to trust what my instincts tell me, and commit to it, with faith and hope. This is what I am doing right now. For a while, I felt that I did not belong to certain spaces, and although I had fun, I always walked away drained, which told me that I could not be there anymore. When things or people drain us, it is important for us to retreat from such influences, because what drains you, if you are not careful, may kill you, or worse, might make you lose yourself. It is clear that I can not multitask when it comes to expanding my energy. I have to concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, I need to spend my energy making foundations for my new life. Things that once fed me now kill me, so to speak, therefore I have to adapt accordingly. Writing, and making music have always fed my soul, therefore, I need to go back to those basics, and learn to walk once again. 

In my old life, I lacked resources for making my dreams come true. In this new life, I have the resources, but I seem to lack discipline to get anything done because I get immersed into virtual realities online and although I never did get worked up and frazzled by much online, the fact that the internet became such intoxicating entertainment, where I was always watching drama as if stuck onto a tv screen, wasted my time. Life is infinite, but my recollection of life is finite, therefore, intrinsically, I have to treat it as if I am running out of time, even though I am not.

At age 45, for example, I want to be concentrating on my future kids, if I ever have kids, not trying to make sense of who I am and why I am here, therefore, I need to find myself with urgency. I was watching a movie, and there was a line which struck a chord. It said, "There are two great moments in our lives, when we are born and when we find out why we are born." and unfortunately, I have not yet found my purpose, although I have an idea what it is. Although knowing one's purpose is great, it is executing one's purpose that matters most, that gives us peace and satisfaction. I have not yet found that satisfaction, and due to this, I have to align myself with my desire, otherwise I will never get it. That is why I am removing all distrations from my life that aren't part of my priorities.

Most importantly, I have to relearn how to hold a thought for more than 140 characters in writing. It's not really about self-discovery as much as it is about remebrance of true self. For my sanity and self-improvement, I really hope I never return to twitter under the circumstances I was in. I can never invest my energy this way. It seems foolish now, but it was once useful and quite enjoyable. If I ever return, someone will be tweeting for me. I invest more emotions on people than they invest in me. Although this is natural for me, there comes a point when I feel like I am left empty with no one to replenish me. I believe in mutual exchanges and Twitter was not a mutually driven arena.

I will always be here though. Having a blog, since 2007, was the best thing I ever did for myself. Itßs not surprising that I have not written anything of substance in ere for a while. That is about to change.

So, see you later.

Cheers!
Inana 

2 comments:

Vuyo said...

Hi Inana

I found your blog because I was one of your followers on twitter. I'm not very much active there but when I logged in this week and I couldn't find your handle I thought you perhaps changed your handle and here you are. I hope you will find and be blessed with what you are longing for.

Love,light and kindness.

Regards
Vuyo

sherlina halim said...
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