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Monday, February 9, 2015

A Slump.

Dearest Reader,

I am now engaged, soon to be married and I no longer live in South Africa. I am now living in Switzerland with my fiancé. On paper, life is good, better than it's ever been. The question that gnaws at me constantly though, is why I feel like I am dying inside?

I have not picked up my guitar in almost 5 months. In these 5 months, I have kicked my addiction to benzos, but at the same time, I have been sleeping at night like normal people. Could this novel sense of normalcy be killing my soul? Is my brain adjusting to having no narcotics, thus taking the spark out of my life? Being up in the early morning today, like old times, has made me feel alive again. I have not been up at this time by choice, for a very long time. I had missed this. I wonder if I have lost this. If it wasn't for the Grammy's, I'd be sleeping...

So, so, much has changed. I have gained weight, which is the side effect, although temporary, of quitting drugs because I am eating more, with a slightly slower metabolism then before. I can't say that I hate my life, not yet, anyway, but I am unlike myself as I know myself to be. I have not suffered any panic attacks which was the reason I went on drugs to begin with. This is a huge victory for my mental health, but the sun is not shining yet currently, literally and figuratively because Switzerland has miserable weather conditions during this time of year. I am not exactly depressed either, but I find myself uninspired. So, how am I going to fix myself?

As I watched the celebrities fill the red carpet at the Grammy's earlier, it came to a point where I had to admit to myself that my big dreams of making music, for me and for others, could just be a pipe dream. It came to pass that the reality of the situation right now is that I am living in a foreign country where I have no grasp of the local language to even hustle to be in the entertainment industry because I can not communicate with anyone effectively except with my fiancé and his family. I know no one here who could collaborate with me to do what I believe I was designed to do, which is make music. I am forlorn.

Therefore, as I sit here, I find myself useless, purposeless and lost. I have no identity, it feels, and the only thing I can be sure about is that at some point of the day, I have to eat, shit and sleep. That's my life right now and it is quite frightening. The reality is that there is a higher probability of me being a housewife than the probability of being a musician. The way this looks, it means I am going to kill myself because being a housewife can not fill my soul. Being a housewife would be fine if being a musician was not part of my physical and moral fibre, but music is all I know and all I ever want to know.

Yes, although I have been found by the most beautiful of loves of my life, I am now lost from the greatest love of all, myself. The fact that I can not remedy the situation currently, is slowly eating me inside. This has rendered me into a zombie of sorts. I think I have shut myself off from feeling the pain and fear of this new reality that I have stopped feeling anything at all. I have never felt so bland in my life. Even the thought of myself renders me into a coma, from pure boredom from the thoughts that run through my head these days.

I have not laughed from the belly since going to rehab. I have not played the guitar since before going to rehab. I have not had the curiosity or ambition that made me who I am, or that made me who I think I am, or who I choose to be. Needless to say, this is a highly confusing time for me, but due to some calmness I feel deeply within, I am not panicked by any of this. I am just observing it with detachment, hoping it goes away.

But, will it go away? Will I ever go back to my "normal" self?

Apparently, this is normal amongst people who quit drugs. They feel lost and unable to maneuver themselves once sober, and this period of being lost is one of the reasons that many relapse because it is by far the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever felt, apart from physical pain caused by drug withdrawal.

Anyway, I digress. The point was that, Imhave lost the core of who I am. I am trying to find it. Strangely, I only feel like myself when I listen to my song "Always", but when the song ends, I revert back to this grey area of existence that I have been treading these last few months.

What is going to happen to me? Has my destiny changed? Was music a pipe dream and not a reality? Am I gonna feel like a zombie for the rest of my life? 

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