When someone accuses me of being an a-hole, I seldom deny it because I know I can be one. I don't take shit, I have been told. This is true. With the life I have had, taking shit from people is the last thing on my "To Do List". I can be sarcastic, cynical, and I also roll my eyes, because I am impatient with people. Patience is not a natural virtue for me, at all.
Now, let me tell you a secret.
When I am being an a-hole, one or more of a few things are going on within me:
- I am afraid
- I am insecure
- I am tired
- I am annoyed.
- I am hungry
- I am hormonal
So, instead of crying, like a normal human beings, I lash out when I am put in a position that makes me uncomfortable. I should work on that, as soon as possible. Actually, it is why I am currently on a meditating marathon.
My recurring dreams lately have had me feeling points 1 to 4. Yes, something as little as a dream can get me feeling beside myself. The other week, I dreamt of cheating on my boyfriend, and I was so pissed off at myself and at him for it that I was paranoid for some time. I hated that dream because I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend, and I don't plan to. What the dream did do was make me afraid that if I can dream it, I can do it. So, I felt insecure, questioning myself, wondering if I am capable of it, and with more obsessing about the dream, I got less sleep, and I got tired. Then, I became irritable. I mean... I was in a state, and all of this was happening while I am going all over Johannesburg, applying for Visas for my holiday next month, and opening companies for new businesses. I was on edge. I don't care that it is a dream. It is still me. And, yes, I judged myself harshly for it.
When I told my boyfriend about the dream, he laughed it off and just said, "Well, that dream tells me that you need more loving from me..." and he said that with calm, and grace. I had to ask myself whether I was overreacting with the anxiety caused by the dream. A few days passed, then I also started forgetting about the dream. I started to relax. I got my documents, and everything was going ahead swimmingly.
Then, a week later I dream of a guy I used to like? Then another one... What the hell?
Now, that just pushed me off the edge, because here I was thinking, "OH MY GOD, the dreams are coming true! My adulterous, sneaky, life is about to befall me. I am gonna cheat on my boyfriend with a guy I used to like, and wreck a very good relationship. I really don't want to but my dreams might make me. Curse, my loins! Curse the fire of passion that will jeopardize a relationship I treasure more than most."
Of course. This is ridiculous from a rational mind, but I am NOT always rational, am I? I dreamt of two guys I used to like, and I felt like a tramp for it. I felt so bad. I felt like I cheated on my boyfriend from dreaming of these two. And, the dreams were innocent! But, with my rep sheet of adultery, even an innocent conversation in the dream world was something I was suspicious of.
So, as per ritual, after I dream of a person, I tell them about it because my dreams are useful. So, I tell the guys about my dreams, which were INNOCENT, but like I did with my boyfriend, I was annoyed at the guys for dreaming of them because they are the cause of my downfall. The bastards! How dare they tempt me.
I know... I am not making sense... Maybe I am. At this point, I don't care.
But, like the a-hole I can be, I told them of the dreams, and explicitly expressed that it means nothing! I bet the guys were like, "Of course it means nothing" because they didn't know that I dreamt of cheating on my boyfriend a week earlier. After the dreams, I sat with myself, evaluating myself, wondering what skanky darkness lingered below my surface. I have never cheated in my entire life. I pride myself on that. It is just something I like to pop my collar about. I have never even cheated in my dreams. So, all of this was unnerving. Also, it opened another point, i.e. What if I DO want to cheat? Will I stop because I don't cheat, or will I stop because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend? None of the reasons are good enough, by the way, because to me, the only reason not to cheat is lack of desire to cheat. Otherwise, what's the point. So, in the dream, I wanted to cheat, and once I want something, nothing can stop me from going for it, other than changing my mind and not wanting it anymore.
Okay, so here is the bottom line: I am acting like a douche towards you because MY MIND conjured up images of you. Of course, I can speculate and say that it's not my fault, but that's not all true. I allowed the dreams to happen, THAT'S the bottom line.
I am such a nutter. I really am!
The daily quality of my life has been reduced because of what my mind does when I am asleep, and to top it all off, I am annoyed at innocent, unaware souls for something they didn't do. I'm pissed off at the real people for doing something in my dreams. Yes, that's the insane bottom line.
So, now I am sitting here feeling bad for flying off the handle about something that didn't happen. And, it's not just my boyfriend and these two guys I am dreaming of. No! There are others that are non-threatening that I am dreaming of. It's just that, with the others, I have not been pissed off about it because they were female.
I remember once I dreamt of having a lesbian fling with Alicia Keys. For a good week, I doubted my sexuality. *sigh*
Anyway, this shit doesn't fly. I can't be angry at people because I dreamt of them. I mean... I should not. I can, since I have done it already, but goodness... It is so immature. I become so mean. I disgust myself. It is not on! The hypnosis is probably the trigger for these dreams. (I started hypnotherapy). So, with that, I am going to meditate, pray, find a way to forgive myself and try to put this silliness behind me. I am acting as if I don't have important things to do.
Is life so great that I have to create dumb drama like this? I am sure people have proper problems, and I am acting like a spoilt, little brat for making something so trivial actually occupy my mind, and influence how I treat people.
What on Earth?
Well, I never claimed that I was fully sane, so I didn't mislead anyone.